Balthazar took in a breath and kissed Sam with everything he could before settling back on his knees before Sam. The position meant more to Balthazar than he figured Sam understood. Prostrate in front of the one being that meant more than heaven and home, which just happened to be one in the same to him once.
"Why do I have a feeling I'm not going to like what you have to say?" Sam asked.
"Because you won't but it's not right to keep it from you," Balthazar kept his eyes on Sam not daring to blink, "I rebelled from heaven long before you were even a dream of a dream in the human race. I indulged fantastically in anything I could get my hands on, living as immorally as I could. When the decision that you and Dean would be vessels for Lucifer and Michael was decided I wanted in on the action. I kept an eye on the two of you but had to keep my distance because if Cas got scent of me he probably would have gutted me a thousand times over for choosing the desires of the flesh and eye over heaven. But then he came to me for help and I agreed. When he lost the ability to protect you he wanted me to step in and keep you safe. Really it was more for Dean than you. He didn't want Dean to worry or hut if anything happened to you. I wasn't happy about the idea but I'd been following you for so long it really wasn't a chore to continue.
"When things started to go bad with Cas I stepped in and made myself and integral part of yours and Dean's lives. Cas was busy dealing with the rebellion in heaven and was so power hungry he couldn't see beyond himself, see what he was doing to you and Dean. I don't know when it started but things were changing. And when you prayed for my help I couldn't say no.
"Because I rebelled I lost most of my angel loyalties giving me the joys of humanities I wouldn't have had as an angel. I could love freely and I loved you. Things got sticky after Cas teamed up with the demon. He knew I was trying to stop him and he killed me. I can't blame him. He was lost, you and Dean, he felt you'd turned on him. The people he'd chose as his family turning their backs on him when he needed it the most. So he did what he thought would fix things by getting rid of the traitor in the mix, me.
"I was granted a second chance though. Someone pulled me out of oblivion and I was restored to my angelic self. Cas was back in the picture and still only able to aide Dean so I was assigned you protect you. But I couldn't love you. I did my best Sam, I tried and fought with everything to feel what you needed, to be who you needed, but I couldn't will myself to feel anything. Warriors are granted the ability to feel only loyalty and anger. And my anger got in the way. I was angry I couldn't feel what had captivated me so strongly before I'd died. Rebelling again would have sent me back to oblivion, and for a while I thought maybe that would be best. That way you could move on and not have a constant reminder that even though I was right in front of you, I was no longer completely yours.
"Heaven stepped in because I couldn't do my assignment with all the anger. They placed me in the front lines but in order to make sure you could still do yours I had to be erased completely. Please believe me when I say that I didn't want to erase us. Call me selfish if you want but it was unbearable knowing that you wouldn't remember me, remember how I felt for you even if I couldn't still feel the same. But I did what I thought would be best for you. With my new assignment I wasn't supposed to ever return to earth and I figured I'd be killed in battle. So I erased myself from your memory.
"Maybe I didn't do it right or you really can't erase love, but something lingered in you. You fell off the deep end, drinking yourself nearly to death every night. I broke the rules and protected you making sure you got to safety but the right hands looked away and allowed it to happen. It wore me so hard knowing that you were so lost in something you couldn't remember. It made me lethal. Anything that got in my way was destroyed. But it wasn't enough so they took away my right to go to earth to keep me in line. I've never been good at following the rules and I refused to fight knowing that you could kill yourself.
"Cas called me to earth and confronted me about my interferences and that was the last straw the right hands could take. My creator came and I was sent into boot camp of sorts. I was ripped down to a shell and rebuilt a thousand times over but they couldn't break me the way they thought they could. It took years until I gave up. Fighting them had become ingrained in me and they realized I could never be the warrior they wanted. I had done my job but they knew they were losing. So they sent me back here to watch over you. I kept in the shadows until the other night just watching and making sure you woke up the next morning.
"I didn't understand why I was so drawn to you. It is rare that an angel is allowed feelings. Guardians are allowed to love because it helps them to protect their charge. It is not unusual for guardians and charges to couple up so it was no surprise to anyone when Cas and Dean fell in love. It is damn near unheard of for an archangel or a right hand or cherubs falling in love though. For an angel to feel love happens so rarely I hadn't heard of it in my entire existence. The first born came to me and explained the situation to me and even though our paths were never supposed to cross he allowed me to continue protecting you.
"I could have just given you back the memories of what we had before but I didn't want you to remember how affected you were after learning I couldn't feel love for you. I wanted to start over and earn your love the way I did before. Maybe something lingered and I haven't exactly started from square one, I don't know. All I do know is that you've captivated me from day one. Snuck into my thoughts, making me hate the choices I've made in the past. And I would have walked through hell a thousand times over if it meant I got to be with you. It took me thousands of years to realize why I was created and even if you wish me away I'll always watch over you.
"And that's where we are today. If you wish it I will leave but you have to mean it Sam, every fiber of your being needs to want me to never return before I consider it. Even then I'll still be protecting you, just out of sight. Angels don't fall in love on a whim and I will not squander this gift. I'll follow you to the ends of the earth if you ask it not because it was demanded of me as a guardian but because I chose to protect you," Balthazar explained.
"So you essentially stalked me, on more than a few occasions?" Sam asked.
Balthazar couldn't help but laugh at Sam's proclamation.
"Out of everything I just told you, that's what you hold onto?" Balthazar said, "Right well ok we can run with that for a while."
Sam smiled and shook his head. While Balthazar thought the story would anger him, probably for the mind eras part, it made his heart swell. He knew that angels couldn't love but knowing that his and Balthazar's case was special, virtually unheard of, made him happy.
"Ok, ok I'll be serious for a second," Sam smiled.
He slid off the bed and into Balthazar's lap before cupping the angel's face in his hands. When he had Balthazar's fully attention he smiled and gave him a playful kiss. Sam pulled away and put his serious face on causing them both to laugh.
"I'm not angry. Well maybe a little bit. That time, just after you left, was the worst time for me. My heart ached for something that wasn't there, something I was sure never was there. I couldn't make it stop, and don't think I'm blaming you for anything because I know you didn't want to, but I was broken. Dean and Cas kept away from me unless we were hunting and Dean always gave me these looks that told me he knew something. It was devastating because Bobby looked at me the same way. I felt betrayed that they knew something but wouldn't let me in on the secret. But now I know why, because no matter how many times you erase yourself form my life I will always love you. No memory loss if going to take that from me," Sam said.
Balthazar smiled and let out the breath he hadn't completely realized he was holding in. Sam wasn't angry with him and everything was fine.
"Do you want the memories back?" Balthazar asked.
He hoped Sam would say no. That what they had now was enough but felt it right to ask anyways. Even though he could always keep the sadness from Sam, if the hunter asked everything would be restored. When Sam shook his head no Balthazar relaxed.
"Now you're going to kiss me and tell me you love me so we can get back to saving the world," Sam demanded.
"In which order?" Balthazar asked with a playful smile on his lips.
Sam rolled his eyes before bringing their lips together. The kiss was neither demanding nor hurried. A kiss to let them both know nothing would change, that it didn't matter how they got there because they got where they needed to be. When Sam pulled away he gave Balthazar a look that made the angel laugh again. Sam decided that he loved the sound and would pull it from Balthazar as often as possible.
"I love you," Balthazar smiled.
"If you ever forget that I'm going to personally end your life, for good," Sam threatened emptily.
"I don't doubt it, love."
