Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, but now I have Sakura's soul! The bargaining was quite creepy and had to a lot do with Sasuke, but I'm sure I got a good deal.

Also, I know the silliness has been a bit overwhelming, but after this chapter things are going to be getting a bit more serious.


Chapter 8: Sick Bubblegum (by Rob Zombie)

Ah, Fire Country. The Land of Dreams.

Team 7 had just successfully completed their first C-rank mission, which had actually turned into both a C-rank and an A-rank, and so they'd gotten paid for both.

And now Naruto was home, back in the relative safety of Konoha and hyrdrocodone.

After entering through the gates, Team 7 was greeted with two very strange scenes. First was their loony teammate. Naruto had immediately flung himself to the ground in front of the check-in station. Two genin and three jonin got to watch Naruto kiss the ground and caress the dirt lovingly, all the while mumbling about crazy drunks, monster-bugs, and sledgehammers.

This was all amusing for Team 7, especially the reference to the "Sakura Sledgehammer Incident."

You see, the day the team was to leave the mining company and return to Konoha was the day Kakashi, Sasuke, and Naruto learned something very disturbing about their female team member.

Naruto had gotten his pickaxe and was very thankful, but he'd also had his greedy blue eyes set on another treasure: a sledgehammer. If he could have that, he may just be almost invincible. Or, so he thought.

"I would have nothing to fear!" Naruto exclaimed, after a miner told him he could have the hammer, if he could pick it up.

"Yes, fear not! I have this big meaty weapon of… meatiness," Naruto said as he went to lift the sledgehammer.

But, he couldn't. The hammer stayed on the ground, handle sticking straight up as Naruto yanked as hard as he could. To no avail, though, and Naruto found himself on his butt after the sledgehammer refused to be lifted.

Then, Sasuke decided to show Naruto up and lift the sledgehammer himself, just for the hell of it.

Sasuke had picked the tool up, only to drop it with a loud 'clunk' and a cloud of dirt. Sasuke tried to hide his panting, but Naruto was staring at him in awe. Meaty weapon, indeed.

"Oh, come on, Naruto. You can't tell me you can't lift that," Sakura said as she sauntered over to the boys, an out-of-place look of smugness on her face.

Sasuke wasn't pleased.

"What, and you can?" Sasuke snapped, causing Sakura to blush and stammer out some sort of response.

"Wait, can you?" Naruto said.

Sakura simply walked over and picked up the big, meaty, heavy sledgehammer like it weighed nothing.

Naruto and Sasuke looked on in shock, and a bit of horror, as Sakura proudly held the sledgehammer like a regular-sized hammer. Naruto vowed to never, ever, make Sakura mad again.

And so Naruto was left sledgehammer-less. But he did daydream the whole way back to Konoha. He figured his team was already pretty damned awesome. Naruto was the smart one who had access to limitless, demonic chakra. Sasuke was the valiant avenger, and Sakura was the warrior goddess. Oh, Kakashi-sensei was there too, but he proved to be nothing more than a filthy, lying, lazy pervert.

Despite their awful teacher, Naruto reckoned this team was going to go far, especially if he was the one to guide them.

Now, back in Konoha, the second odd scene the ninja at the gates were privy to was the amusing old drunkard who was being detained by a couple of chunin. This old man was yelling something about bridges, and shouting obscenities to any passing ninja he saw. Something about how Konoha had betrayed the country of Wave, and how the bridge was doomed, how he was doomed and how the "evil, money-grubbing midget was going to own everyone eventually." Team 7 looked on in bewilderment as the man, who was obviously shit-faced, was lead away.

All in all, Konoha was a crazy place, but it was a lot less crazy than rest of the world, so Naruto figured he it had it pretty good. Better than what could have been, especially he if had as many stalkers as Sasuke did.

Not that Naruto didn't have stalkers.

He had two, in fact. And one was a cute girl! Hinata was her name, and she was a Hyuuga, which probably explained how she always managed to find Naruto. She was pretty, no doubt about it, but she was stalking Naruto, as in hunting him down and getting her voyeurism kicks. It was creepy, especially with that weird-glossy-eyes thing going on.

But Hinata was hot, so Naruto let it go pretty easily.

Mizuki-sensei stalking him, on the other hand, was just not right.

Naruto took his problem of being followed continuously to the Hokage. Naruto may be overly paranoid, but one: he was a ninja, he was supposed to be paranoid, and two: it's not paranoia when people really are out to get you.

The Old Man listened to Naruto's complaints with a smile, before sending an ANBU to check Mizuki out. Turned out to be a good thing too, as Mizuki had some kind of sinister plan to kidnap Naruto and steal the Forbidden Scroll or something. He was even working for the S-class missing-nin, Orochimaru!

Well, not anymore, he wasn't. The Hokage took care of that shit real quick.

And when the ANBU brought Mizuki in and the man went on an enraged spiel about Naruto in front of the Hokage, Iruka, the entire council and Naruto himself, the blond simply stated bitterly:

"Aw, my heart bleeds."

Naruto got a few laughs from the council for that, and he decided some of them might be salvageable for when he ruled the world- er, for when he ruled Konoha.

Yeah, Konoha. You know, as Hokage?

)(

One day soon after, when Team 7 was training and Hinata was watching from the bushes as Naruto beat the crap out of himself with clones, Kakashi-sensei finally decided to teach the tree climbing exercise to his genin. But, since Naruto had already learned it and the water walking exercise, he just got to spar as Sakura easily conquered both tree-climbing and water-walking, and Sasuke struggled with the first one.

Naruto heard a rustle in the bushes next to him, and heard a squeak when he looked over. He called it quits on his training for the moment and went to investigate. There Naruto found Hinata on the ground, holding a vase of ointment.

They stared at each other for a minute or two, Hinata blushing like mad as Naruto just looked on, uninterested.

Then Naruto held out a hand to help Hinata up, which made her blush even worse and stutter out a "thank you."

Like Naruto had thought before, Hinata was cute, but boy, was she shy. And creepy. And, oh no, did he just lead her on by being nice to her?

"H-h-here…" Hinata said while holding out the ointment. "I b-b-brought this for you."

Naruto stared at the vase she was holding out. Hinata was waiting patiently, head bowed in submission and offering the gift as if Naruto was a god or something. The gesture was sweet and useful too, but Hinata's manner almost suggested it was a virgin sacrifice.

It was extremely… well Naruto couldn't think exactly how to describe this moment, for "weird" and "creepy" just wouldn't cover it. He went with a simple: "oh God, what the hell?"

"Um, thanks Hinata," Naruto said, taking the ointment.

"But, you don't have to hide, or like, stalk me. You can just talk to me, you know?"

Hinata blushed even more, making her whole face turn completely red, and bowed deeper, so she was practically bending over. Naruto got a bit worried for her.

And now his damn team had noticed what was going on. Sakura was giggling while standing on top of the pond she was practicing on. Naruto glared at her and she smirked back. Really, that girl was picking up too many bad traits from the Uchiha.

And speaking of Sasuke, he looked very annoyed at Naruto's conversation with Hinata. For the life of him, Naruto couldn't figure out why, other than maybe Sasuke felt like his already slow progress on the tree climbing was being hindered in some way.

Kakashi-sensei looked to be napping, the lazy bum.

Naruto figured now was as good as any to test out a theory he'd been working on when it came to Hinata. So, he uncapped the ointment vase, and put a confused look on his face.

"Hey, Hinata, would you mind doing me a favor?" Naruto asked. The girl's head shot up and she nodded vigorously.

"S-s-sure, Naruto. W-w-whatever you n-n-need."

"Cool! Help me put on some of this healing ointment, will ya? I can't reach the spots on my back."

When Naruto quickly took his shirt off, the blush that was recently making Hinata's face look like a tomato just disappeared, turning her ghostly white. Then, she fainted.

"Oh God, what the hell?" Naruto shouted.

Kakashi-sensei looked over then, found nothing of interest and went right back to pretending to sleep. Sakura found the scene to be hilarious, apparently, and started laughing, which broke her concentration and she fell through the water's surface. Sasuke rolled his eyes and went back to failing miserably at climbing a tree.

How rude of them! Couldn't they see that Naruto needed assistance? What if Hinata had hurt herself or something?

Sakura resurfaced, still snickering at Naruto's misfortune.

"Oh ha ha ha, Sakura! I hope you drown, you sucker."

)(

After Naruto left Hinata laying on the ground and just went back to training, Kakashi-sensei finally woke the hell up and graced the genin with his presence once more.

"Alright kiddies, over here."

The three kiddies trudged over to Kakashi, who handed them each a slip of paper.

"These are entrance forms for the chunin exams next week. Enter if you want, I really don't care."

What? Chunin exams? In less than a week? Naruto couldn't handle that! Not at all! Why? Why did his sensei have to have such disgusting behavior?

Naruto spent the day thinking it over. If he actually signed up for the exams, then he may just get himself killed. Worse, his teammates may not survive it. They hadn't been genin for that long, they'd only done one C-rank mission, for shit's sake. Well, they also technically finished an A-rank, but that wasn't the point. The point was that people had a real bad habit of dying in the chunin exam.

No, Naruto couldn't chance it yet. He needed to make sure he was ready… but how would that affect his team if they entered and he didn't? What would he do if they passed without him? Died without him? Naruto went straight to the Old Man.

And when the Old Man had told him that if he didn't enter the exams, then his team couldn't either, well, Naruto had to consider this very distressing news. It was better than his teammates progressing without him, or meeting some horrific end, but…

Oh dear. Sasuke was going to be mad.

)(

Did Naruto say Sasuke was going to be mad? How silly of him. Sasuke was absolutely livid. As in, let-me-bludgeon-Naruto-to-death-and-then-burn-his-body kind of livid. It was not pretty, and Naruto had to be saved from his savior by the warrior goddess Sakura.

Sakura actually stood up to Sasuke then, and agreed with Naruto that they weren't ready for the chunin exams yet. This turned Sasuke on them both, and Naruto and Sakura felt mutually guilty. Also, Sakura siding with him against Sasuke? That had shocked the shit out of Naruto.

But Kakashi-sensei had went to the Hokage with a plan to help get Sasuke back to normal and trusting his team again. They would do yet another mission that took them out of the village and away from the chunin exams. Sarutobi had just the mission, one that was actually a B-rank, but the old leader had confidence in Naruto and Kakashi, and decided they would be heading out with Tazuna the (crazy-drunk) bridge builder and save the Wave Country.

)(

Team 7 headed out of the village, in much lower spirits than they had when coming back just three weeks ago from the Borderlands. Sasuke was only speaking to Kakashi-sensei, and only out of necessity, and giving Naruto and Sakura the cold shoulder. Tazuna tried spicing things up with a few insults, but instead he just got either glared at, threatened, or actually hit. Man, that little girl sure can put someone down when she wanted.

As the five were trudging down the road, they were ambushed out of nowhere. So totally unforeseen was this attacked that Naruto just had to comment, just as Kakashi-sensei died a horrific death by chain.

"Oh, what are the chances? Hey wait a minute!" he yelled as Kakashi was sliced up. "That was my kill! That's not fair! I've earned that!"

No one was listening, of course, as the two enemy ninjas came at them, heading straight for Sasuke.

Naruto just stood there, letting his savior handle it. What he saw was pretty neat. Sasuke took them both on, then broke the chain that was attaching the ninjas together. The enemies then fell back to attack again. This time one went for Sakura, the other flew straight at Naruto.

"Ah!" Naruto yelled, fully expecting Sasuke to take the ninja out at any moment, but the Uchiha never came to his rescue. Naruto took a light cut from the claws on the ninja's hand, which started tingling and burning immediately.

This was unfortunate.

Just in time, good old Kakashi-sensei showed up, possibly as a zombie, and saved the day by knocking the shit out of the two enemies. Hmm, perhaps Naruto was wrong about Kakashi…

"Wow, Naruto, I didn't think you would actually freeze up. And you're injured. Good job, Sasuke. You too, Sakura!" Kakashi said.

Naruto had been wrong about people before. Kakashi-sensei he was right about though. The guy truly was an ass.

It turns out that Naruto's savior, well, ex-savior, Sasuke had went to help Sakura out instead, who was protecting that retard Tazuna. Naruto wasn't happy, and by the looks of it, neither was Sakura, for some unfathomable reason. Hadn't her greatest joy in life just given her attention? Naruto was so confused by this.

Confused and annoyed, which never resulted in good things for those around him.

Since Gato, or the money-grubbing midget, as Tazuna liked to call him, had something against bridges, Team 7 would have to expect more hired ninjas later, as this was a B-rank mission.

They made it all the way to Wave Country before another attack, which in Naruto's opinion, was pretty damn good. What wasn't good was the missing-nin, Zabuza Momochi, that attacked them next. He was a former member of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist. You know how Naruto could tell? There was mist, and the dude had a sword. A big sword, that Sakura may not even be able to hold. Ah, good times.

As the battle between Kakashi-sensei and Mr. Misty-Sword began, Naruto watched in awe. Then his awe turned into disgust and annoyance when Kakashi got trapped in a damn water prison. Naruto had the sinking suspicion that the lazy bum got himself caught on purpose, just to get his genin to do all the dirty work.

Sasuke turned to Naruto.

"You got a plan, moron?"

Well, at least Sasuke was actually speaking to him again, although it looked rather painful to be doing so, in Naruto's opinion.

A sudden, hard "no" was heard behind them. The boys turned around to see Sakura, glaring at them.

"I want to help fight, Sasuke. Naruto can stay here and guard Tazuna," she said.

Naruto was just about to agree with Sakura. If she needed to let off some steam by pounding on some ninja guy, and she looked like she really, really needed to, who was Naruto stop her? Besides, it was safer back there. But, of course, Sasuke had to open his big, fat, prick mouth and nearly get them all killed.

"No, Sakura, it's too dangerous. You'll just get yourself hurt, or get in my way."

Once again, Naruto wanted to say something when he was interrupted. He was just about to berate Sasuke for being so rude to their teammate, when a sudden, blood-curdling scream of pure, unadulterated rage sprung from Sakura's mouth.

It was the fury of a woman scorned, and the scariest thing Naruto had ever heard. Then:

"Naruto!" Sakura yelled, to which Naruto whimpered "yes?"

"Get over here and stay with the drunk!"

"Ok," Naruto had barely squeaked out by the time Sakura had moved past him toward the two jonin.

Sasuke just stood there, frozen.

Then Sakura lifted her fist, as if to punch the ground. Then… Sakura punched the ground.

"Dear Lord!" Naruto yelled. The ground crumbled beneath Sakura's all-mighty angry-god-fist and the entire forest seemed to shutter under her power.

"Damn!" Mr. Misty-Sword Zabuza shouted as he was jostled around like a toy, even though he stood upon the water. The water broke and flowed into the new crevice in the ground, courtesy of Sakura Haruno. This left the pond in which Zabuza and Kakashi were empty, and no water was left for Kakashi's prison. Their jonin was free, all thanks to Sakura.

"What the fuck are you teaching Konoha kids these days?" Zabuza yelled in Kakashi's general direction.

"I… don't remember teaching her that." Was all Kakashi could say.

'Maybe Naruto was right,' the two sharingan users of Team 7 thought. Warrior goddess, indeed.


Poor Hinata. Also, I hope making Sakura progress faster than canon is ok, as there is a reason for her learning to wield her chakra like in Shippuden sooner. A lazy reason, though, that gets explained next chapter.