Chapter 8
It's been a month since Ricky's confession and I am still dating Caleb. My head and my heart are in two totally different places. I've loved Ricky for as long as I could remember, but Caleb is such a great guy that he deserves a real chance. So, I distanced myself from the father of my child and tried giving my new relationship extra attention. I wanted it to be Caleb, but deep down I know it was, is, and will always be Ricky. I guess I'm just too afraid to say that out loud or do anything about it. Not to mention, I go back to New York in just a few short weeks.
"What are you gonna do Amy?" I am startled out of my worried thoughts by my step-sister's voice.
"I have no idea."
"Speaking as someone who was once in love with Ricky, he's a guy that is worthy of good things. Yes, he's treated girls like shit in the past, but when he loves someone, he really loves someone with all that he is," Adrian piped up. "And I know that you dig Caleb, and I know you're battling head and heart, but you really should listen to your heart."
"And we all know where your heart lies in all of this. You shouldn't be ashamed of loving him, I mean you have history, you have John, and that speaks for itself," it was Ashley speaking this time.
"So what you're saying is I should break up with Caleb, completely hurt the guy because of a what if? There is so much more to this situation then love, it's fear and heartbreak and the back and forth is something I don't want to put my son through! He matters most in all of this and yeah I want us all to come out happy, but what if all of that affects John in a negative way? He's the priority here, not me or Ricky for that matter. I just don't want anyone to get hurt, including myself. It was hard to say goodbye to Ricky the first time, I don't know if I can do it again," I sigh sadly.
"You'll never know until you put all that fear into actually loving him. You think too much about everyone else's feelings in this, when you should be more concerned about yours and what this all means for you. You can have everything you've always dreamed up, but you're too much of a chicken to do anything about it," Grace tries to reason. "I know it's hard, and I know everything is crazy for you right now, but just take some time to think about what you want and not everybody else." They left me with a lot to think about. This is why I'm so lucky to have them and no matter what we've been through in the past, where we are now is a true godsend.
"Thanks guys, you gave me a lot to think about." We went back to the happier events of our impromptu slumber party and enjoyed one of the last few nights we may have together for awhile.
RARARARARARARARARA
Time is really running out and I am no closer to deciding what to do with this whole Ricky thing, but I did decide on one thing.
"So that's it? It's over?"
"I'm so sorry! I really really like you, but everything is just crazy. I'm leaving soon and as much as I tried to make this work, my heart wasn't as in it as I wanted it to be," I tried to explain.
"There's no changing your mind is there?"
"No. As much as we make sense, it just doesn't feel right. I need to follow my gut and make a clean break. I can't keep putting everyone else's feelings over my own unless it's my son. I have to do what's best for me and right now what's best for me is to focus on John, school, my job and what I want out of life. You're an amazing guy and in a perfect world I would choose you, but for now, I'm choosing me and that has to be enough. You're gonna make someone very happy, this I don't doubt, and as much as I want to be that person, I'm not."
"Well, even still this has been one of the greatest summers of my life," he smiles sadly at me.
"For me too," with one last kiss and one last glance, we say our goodbyes. "When everything settles, I would really like us to be friends. You're a great guy and I know you live in New York so don't hesitate to keep in touch okay?"
"I'd like that. Goodbye Amy."
"Bye Caleb." Watching him walk away wasn't as hard as I imagined, but it still made me feel some type of way. In all the right ways, he was the perfect boyfriend, but in the end, he just wasn't perfect for me.
RARARARARARARARARA
I sent John off to my dad and Kathleen for my last weekend at home with everyone I love. I wanted a weekend to really talk and hash things out with Ricky and hang out with my girls for our final girls night for now. It is now the night before I have to leave and I am standing here nervous as hell to knock on Ricky's apartment door. I haven't really been here since we lived together, since I chose New York, since the break up and I'm anxious. Just when I got the courage to knock, the door comes flying open with Ricky coming out with a bag of trash.
"Amy?! Wha-What are you doing here?"
"I just wanted to talk. I fly back tomorrow and I wanted to touch base with you about John and stuff. Is this a bad time?" I bite my lip nervously.
"No. Uhm, just let me take this to the trash chute and I'll be all yours. Make yourself at home," he says sheepishly before walking away. I walk through the door tentatively looking around at a place so familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time. Everything looks the same, with the minor exception of a few items differently placed. I sit stiffly on the couch waiting for Ricky to come back, which didn't take long at all.
"So are you hungry? Thirsty?"
"No, I'm fine thanks."
"Okay, so I guess we should... get right to it."
"Yeah, well I know we said his 5th birthday, but he can always come within a month or so. I mean, his room is all ready and there's a daycare right down the street. You just say the word and he can come early," I start things off.
"We agreed on just before his 5th birthday, so let's stick with that for now. I know you miss him Amy and he misses you, but he's okay for now. He has me, your parents, Ashley from time to time, his friends from daycare. Focus on you just a little while longer before we include John in the mix okay?"
"I know and you're right, I just miss him so much. I love him and I want to be with him all of the time. My free time, when I'm just sitting home all alone, I just wanna be close to my baby. You know, something to look forward to, but yeah with classes starting up again and working, I can use some time to adjust to the new year."
"Good. So you'll be back for Thanksgiving and we'll come see you for Christmas and all will be right with the world."
"Yeah, yeah that works for me. Well, I better go before it gets too late," I say starting to get up.
"Yeah, I bet you wanna say your goodbyes to Caleb and the girls and your family," he smiles sheepishly at me. I never told him about the break up because I didn't wanna send the wrong message. As much as I love Ricky, I still don't know what to do. I don't want to be an us, just to fall apart again. I don't know if my heart can take saying goodbye again.
"Well mine and Caleb's goodbye was a few weeks ago actually," I reply almost in a whisper.
"What do you mean by that?"
"I broke up with him. Yeah, he lives in New York and everything, but he's just not the guy for me no matter how great he is," I avoid eye contact.
"Sorry it didn't work out for you Amy," he speaks in shock.
"Even if I wanted it to, it wouldn't have. I mean he's the perfect guy, he's smart, handsome, kind, hard working, loving, but he's just not perfect for me, you know."
"Yeah well, uhm, you should probably g-"
"Why didn't you fight for me?" I ask out of the blue.
"Excuse me?"
"You didn't fight for me. You didn't come after me like I hoped for so long that you would. Why?"
"Well, I, uhm, I didn't know you wanted me to. I thought you wanted me to let you go, but as we can see, I never really did."
"For months, I waited for you to come find me. Before I left all you did was fight me, and I used to think that if you really loved me like I believed you did that I would find you somewhere on that plane, in New York, in my life, fighting. It took me a long time to realize that you weren't coming. It took a lot of tears, tissues, ice cream, and sad movies, to realize that you really let me go. You wanna know what happened with Ben, since I'm sure it will come up sooner or later. Besides my friends from the program I was in, Ben was the only familiar face that I had. Nothing happened and I mean nothing. Within the first few months, we hung out because we were all we had there. We kissed twice, once on the cheek and once on the lips further indicating that it was you I wanted, not him. He's been with the same girl for almost a year. I was alone and I still am. Yeah Adrian's there now with Omar, but what kind of friend would I be if I kept them both from the people they loved and really liked. I was there, alone, still fighting and hoping that you would to. You didn't want what I wanted! You didn't want the marriage, white picket fence, happily ever after, you didn't want that, or so I thought. I come home and you were on the verge of making that life with someone else. It may have ended with her being a lying cheating bitch, but if it wasn't her, it would've been someone else. Someone else would've gotten my knight in shinning armor. Oh but wait, then when I find a guy who's perfect for me in every way, you spring on me that you're in love with me? Do you wanna know how that made me feel? Do you? I was fucking HAPPY! Okay? I spent this summer pinning for you and I felt terrible about it because you had Emily and I eventually had Caleb. I was trying to be happy and move on, I really was and when you told me that you were still in love with me, everything got so complicated. But you loved me back and that feeling will always be one of my favorites. I am terrified of you and us because I don't think my heart can take that kind of heartbreak again if we don't make it! I love you Ricky! I love you and I never stopped, but I'm leaving. I'm going back to a new life without you and I don't know wha-" Suddenly a searing kiss is planted on my lips, rough and passionate. Soon we were lying on the couch, so wrapped up in each other.
"One night," he breathed while kissing down the span of my neck. "Just one night, let me have this one night please Amy? Please?" I didn't want a night, I wanted a lifetime, but if this night is all I can get, I'll take it no questions asked.
"One night," I agreed. He crashes his lips back into mine before clothes were flung all over the apartment. Hands groping, legs intertwined, lips touching every ounce of exposed flesh, words spoken into naked skin. Things were slow, gentle, passionate, and filled with longing. We held onto the promise of love and the feeling of safety, we held on for this one night, for tomorrow, everything fades away.
