My strength was slowly returning – the sensation of dragging my reluctant limbs along every time I so much as moved food to my lips was no longer there. Now, all that remained of my ordeal was the jagged scar running along under my ribcage, and a slight soreness. I did not remember ever healing this fast before, although, I could not give a good guess at just how many days it had been since Ren and I had crashed landed here. Time passed so strangely on this planet, one could not be sure of the time. The rising and setting of the sun did not appear to be consistent – it had no real pattern. There were long spans of time where it would be either complete darkness or complete light; sometimes, a day would begin, only to have momentary lapses of night, each span only lasting about an hour. As this unknowable amount of time elapsed, I began to wonder if this unusual pattern was having a particularly disorienting effect on Ren and I.
I began to notice the tenor of my dreams start to change; most of my dreams were new, so unlike any I had ever had. Unlike my typical dreams, which would take place against almost completely black landscape, these were bright and alive. They lacked shape, only blurred outlines, but they were colorful – so unlike the landscape of Jakku, or even this strange planet I was trapped on. Greens, reds, and yellows would scatter in a mirage, dancing with murmured voices and happy energy. This energy was unlike the buzzing flow of the aura that warmed my chest; instead, it was a peaceful hum. My dreams of the mysterious boy, who was unfortunately not so mysterious any longer, crackled with a different vigor – they were not as tender and carefree. These were blissful.
I had never been lucky enough to have such nonsensical and untroubled dreams, and now more than ever I was glad to have them. It was something to look forward to amidst Ren's mounting severity.
As the days past, Ren was becoming continually…different. The longer we stayed here, the angrier and more uncontained he had become – somehow, could sense an imbalance within him. The calm arrogance he had shown when we first met was slowly fading, and he seemed so much less collected. Each day, when I awoke at dawn, I would find the cave empty, not seeing Ren again until he checked in on me around midday and brought a new heap of food along with him. It was not until late evening that I would see him again; each time he would arrive soaking wet with sweat, and barely containing his frustration. For the longest time, I had figured he was frequenting the crash site each day, steadily rebuilding his ship as quickly as he could manage. However, this idea was brutally shut down.
Around the fire, after another silent dinner, I asked about his routine disappearances – asking if he was getting anywhere with the repairs. Immediately, the tension between us - a constant companion - sharply increased as he fixed a heavy glare at the fire. Somehow, my mention of him restoring the ship had struck a nerve. I had just been prepared to take another bite of strange fruit when I paused to watch him. He didn't say anything for the longest time, just continuing to glower at the flames.
"I have been somewhat successful. There are some components still needed," he replied shortly.
"Can't you just take them from my ship?" I asked, sensing there was something he was hiding.
Ren huffed a steadying breath, "I do not posses-…I am not able to acquire the parts from the wreckage of your ship."
I worked over those words for a few moments, not fully understanding what he was saying. If he was unable to find the parts, then how could he still entertain ever getting the right ones? His ship could not be repaired then – if my ship didn't have what he needed… But, then it finally hit me.
"Are you saying you can't get to the parts?"
Ren's gaze was as elusive as ever, his expression clearly saying his ego was being wrinkled.
"You need a scavenger," I said, awed. Despite who I was talking to, I could not help but let my lips curl – Kylo Ren, in his own arrogant way, was actually asking me for assistance.
"Regrettably, yes. I require someone small enough to fit where I cannot."
He is too large to fit in between the wreckage?
I almost snorted, but my amusement left as quickly as it had come; the context of our situation crashed down on me – as if I could possibly forget for long. "And why, in this galaxy, would I help you?"
Kylo turned, eyebrows raised as if the answer was obvious, "You're saying you would want to spend the rest of our lives stuck on this planet, living out your days in this cave – with me?"
I huffed, "No. Of course not. But the minute we get your ship up and running, you're taking me straight back to the First Order. We will be in the same position that we were in before." I paused, hesitant to let him know the rest of my thoughts on the matter, but gave in, "Besides…I've spent my entire life surviving in a junky relic in the middle of the Jakku dessert. I can handle this place."
He cocked his head to the side with a dark brow quirked, not quite believing my words, "Maybe you can handle this place, but are you certain you could live with me? I can feel the hatred radiating off you even now."
"What makes you so sure I couldn't kill you? Then most of my problems would be solved. No probing my mind. No betraying the Resistance. None of it," I spit out, a heavy glare leveled at him.
But, Ren did not become enraged, or even appeared wounded. He smirked, an infuriating smile glinting in his eyes that set my teeth on edge. It was obvious he wasn't taking me seriously – he thought I was all talk, no action.
I took a steadying breath and continued with carefully chosen words, "There is something inside of me…something that has always been there. But, now it's awake, and I don't know what it is. You saw it – back at your base. Our shared dreams, the strange energy…" Just then Ren's jaw tightened and he looked away; but, I didn't let it go, "I know this is not a conversation you want to have – that makes two of us - but, we have had shared dreams, and I know it has something to do with this …energy – aura – whatever it is." My voice dropped into a whisper despite myself, "Is this the Force?"
Ren was silent for some time, holding my gaze and considering me. Finally, he spoke, "Yes, it is the Force. I feel it too - stronger now." He shook his head, "I don't know why it has been connecting our dreams…but, it is clear you are strong with the Force - untrained and naïve – but…powerful."
I tensed, frightened by what this could mean about myself – and because what Ren had said felt like a compliment.
Ren interrupted my thoughts, and added, "You need a teacher. Someone to show you how to wield the Force."
The tension in the cave grew thick enough where I could almost hear it ringing in my ears.
A teacher. He meant himself, of course. He was, in an indirect way, offering his instruction. I felt my neck become hot with anger and poison leak into my words, "You? What would you teach be besides darkness and evil? You know nothing of light. If anyone is going to help me, it isn't going to be you."
Unfazed, Ren pressed on, "Perhaps not…but the Darkness is powerful. Strong in ways the Jedi – the Light - could never be. I feel it in you – a darkness. You'll see soon enough, if shown the proper way to harness your power, which path is your destiny. Just as I saw which path was mine."
What darkness there was inside of me, I did not know. But, I could never fathom turning towards the insidious path of the Dark Side. Tales of the Jedi I had grown up hearing from passersbys were often accompanied by similar lore of the Sith. Corrupted and vile, the Sith harnessed the Force in unimaginable ways. Ways that bent and violated nature; the toll it took on their bodies and souls was almost too horrid to recount. I might have had a challenging life, but I was well grounded in the difference between right and wrong. The ways of the Sith felt intuitively wrong – not tempting enough to fall prey to, even with the appeal of unlimited power.
Thinking of the Sith, I was reminded again that Ren did not quite fit the picture I had constructed in my mind of a Sith lord. The soft tenor of our dreams, the vulnerable fear I had read in his mind during the interrogation, and, most of all, his insecure convictions. He might have fully accepted the Dark side in his mind, but his heart felt differently. Whatever was awake in me could now sense, inexplicably, the doubt emanating from him. He was not fully gone.
"Have you chosen your path?" I whispered. Ren's head whipped around, defensive; but, the aura – the Force - was acting up again, making me sure of my words, "You've done such abhorrent things, and yet you're not convinced. You say you feel darkness in me – I feel something in you too. There is conflict in you."
Ren and I held each other's gaze, challenging one another to either give in or refute. We kept our stares calm, only my slightly heavy breathing, and the small muscle movements around Ren's eyes and lips giving our shared frustrations away.
Ren was the one to break our stalemate, his voice strained, "Your wound seems to have improved enough. Tomorrow, at dawn, you will help retrieve the necessary parts for my ship, and then, we will begin with your first lesson."
Before I could so much as raise my chin in acknowledgment, Ren hefted himself off his low perch around the fire. His hulking form cast a huge shadow against the cave wall, an intimidating shape flickering with every spasm of a flame, as he moved to his side and laid down. His back to me, he made sure I could see his face. I knew he was tumbling my words, and our strange circumstance, over in his head. He did not want to appear weaker than I already exposed him to be, so he closed himself off like this. It was almost satisfying to have had such an impact on him.
This reaction, this shattering of his façade, spoke volumes more than even our bond could tell me. He knew I was right – he was afraid.
A/N: So...it has been a long time. Depression and bad meds never cease to do some damage. But, enough of all that - I was so inspired by The Last Jedi that the spark has been reignited once more. So, as a little Christmas present, I decided to upload this short little thing. Going back to reread this story (the prior chapters), I really do not like it, but am so interested in continuing, there is no way I am going back to rewrite - just going to have to settle for soldiering forward with better writing and character development this time. I will be writing as much as I can while I've got the bug and so I look forward to seeing this thing grow. I am excited for my Rey and Ben. Please review guys, you have always been so kind, and I hope you don't mind coming back and continuing where we left off. Merry Christmas and happy holidays. xx
