Summary: Just going to say that I don't own it because frankly I'm tired of writing these things. So onward with the story.
Chapter 8
The ride home was silent as the two men rode back to their apartment, neither saying a word since leaving the room. Perry had left a message for Bob to read when he got in the next morning about him not being able to come into work. He knew he was pushing his luck by not coming into work but he couldn't risk J.D being alone by himself. He still didn't know what happened to make J.D have the panic attack but he didn't want to push him into talking.
They rode in silence as Perry parked the car and they entered into the elevator still not saying anything to each other. Perry sighed as he pulled the keys out of his pocket but was shocked to see who sitting in his living room in the dark when he flicked on the light.
"Gandhi, how the hell-"
"I got the key from Jordan when she came to the hospital earlier today with Elliot." he quickly said as he rose from the couch. "I still don't know why the two of them arrived together but it was pretty strange seeing the two of them together. Not to mention the fact that Elliot had a big ass hickie on her neck when she came in but-"
"Are you going to get to the point sometime soon or should I go to the local bar and come back in about two hours and see if you've wrapped it up then." Perry growled as he threw his keys on the counter beside the door. He already had a rotten day and another round of fighting with J.D's best friend would make it even worse.
"I'm done" Turk smiled as he looked behind Perry to see his best friend wearing a hurt look on his face. He hated the way J.D was avoiding all eye contact with him all because of the way he acted earlier that morning.
"So" Perry smirked as he walked over to his bar and prepared to pour himself a drink. If he was in for another chew out he would need at least some liquor in his system. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to talk about what happened."
"Well Turk if you don't mind-" J.D finally spoke as he placed his jacket on the coat rack and starting to make his way to the bedroom when he felt a firm grip on his shoulder.
"I'm not here to talk to you."
"Huh-"
"I'm not here to talk to you, well at least not yet" Turk replied again as he let go of J.D's shoulder. His eyes shifted to see Perry putting down the glass that he had in his hand and looking at him with a confused face, the same one J.D had plastered all over his face as he turned around to look at him. "I'm here to talk to Dr. Cox…if that's all right with both of you."
"Um yeah, it's all right with me if it's all right with you" J.D frowned as he looked over to Perry. He had no idea why the two men had to talk to each other but he knew that it must have been an argument about him simply based on the face expression Perry gave his friend when they walked through the door. He realized that if they needed to talk to each other then he would let them hash out their differences without him being in the room. J.D left the room and closed the door behind him allowing the two men to talk amongst themselves.
"You wanna talk to me Gandhi?" Perry said as soon as J.D closed the door behind him and picked up his glass
"Yeah I do" Turk smiled as he sat back down on the couch and waited for Perry to join him. "About yesterday"
"Wanna drink first?"
"No thank-you"
Perry shrugged as he poured hot scotch into his glass and chugged it immediately down his throat. The burning feeling that he had become used seemed more intense then usual but it didn't stop him from pouring himself another glass and chugging the next one the same way.
Finally, after one last shot of alcohol, he sat down on the arm of the chair beside Turk and glanced back over in his direction. He had no clue what the young man was going to say to him but he prepared himself mentally for the blowout.
"So you said you wanted to talk, so talk."
"I'm sorry." Turk finally whispered after a couple of moments of silence.
"What?"
"I said that I'm sorry about what happened last night." Turk replied again, this time looking up at the older man.
"I heard you the first time but I mean why are-"
"It was wrong of me to accuse you of not caring about J.D when it's obvious to everyone that you do."
"Wow" Perry blew as he looked Turk and knew that he was being honest. He had been expecting another tongue-lashing from the bald surgeon that the last thing he expected was an apology. "I wasn't expecting that"
"I know how you feel" Turk laughed. "I wasn't expecting to say it but here I am."
"Why are you saying it then?"
"Because someone made me realize that I was wrong and that it was time that I swallowed my pride and showed my friend that I accept all his decisions, even the crazy ones."
"So you think living with me is a crazy decision?" Perry grunted as he began to get up from the couch but was stopped when Turk placed his hand onto his.
"That's not what I meant" Turk sighed when he grabbed Perry's hand to keep him from getting up. He didn't really know what he wanted to say to the man but he knew he to say something to keep him from walking away before he finished saying what he wanted to say.
"Oh then what did you mean?"
"I meant that I am going to accept J.D no matter what he decides to do with his life or who he decides to spend it with. He's my best friend and I just…don't wanna lose him."
He could see the pain in Turk's eyes and knew that all the harsh words that were said the night before were words of fear and not words of hatred. He realized that if he was placed in the same position, he too would feel as though he was losing his best friend.
"You're not going to lose Newbie, Gandhi."
"Really because I think I am, I mean look that he choose to live with." Turk blew. "He didn't want to come back to our place because he would rather live with you."
"It's not why he came to live with me-"
"I know it was because he didn't feel safe in his room anymore but that means he doesn't feel safe around me anymore."
"Gandhi-"
"You're becoming his best friend and soon, you're going to be taking my place."
"Turk" Perry finally said interrupting Turk before he could say anything else. He felt compassion for the surgeon but hated that he was feeling sorry for himself, it wasn't the arrogant man was supposed to act. "I'm not going to take your place."
Turk's eyes widen at the words that were coming out of Perry's mouth, especially the fact that for the first time in almost five years he had used his real name. It made him feel even worse for the way he treated the man less than twenty-four hours before.
"I'm never going to take your place because you mean the world to J.D"
"But I'm not first anymore"
"What?"
"Look when I met J.D he had no one that he could confide in-" Turk sighed as he leaned back in the chair. "I was the first person he considered his true friend, the one he could talk to about anything and it felt good being first but ever since he met you I feel as though we're not as close as we used to be."
"Gandhi I get that you feel like you're on the outside looking in, I really do but just because Clarissa will come to me with her problems first sometimes doesn't mean I'll care about all of it." Perry smiled as he patted Turk on the shoulder. "He'll still come to talk to you about all the stuff that the two of you idiots talk about often."
Turk looked back at Perry and realized that he was right, he wasn't going to lose J.D; he was always going to be there for him no matter what. What he was afraid of was J.D getting hurt by Perry but he realized that Perry wasn't going to hurt him so there was nothing left to be afraid of. He smiled at the man beside him and was about to say something when his pager went off. Looking down at it, he saw that it wasn't anyone but Carla, probably calling to make sure he did what he was supposed to do.
"Who's that?"
"It's Carla"
"So she sent you over here?" Perry laughed as Turk got up to go to the door and be followed behind him to let him out. "I should've known."
"She didn't send me over here Dr. Cox," he frowned as he grabbed the door handle, "She told me to come over and talk to you but she didn't know when I was going to do it."
"It's Carla, she already knows"
"You know she probably does" Turk smiled as he opened the door and walked out of it. Perry
J.D closed the door behind him and willed his body away from the door. He knew that whatever the two of them had to talk about was personal and he didn't want to intrude on their conversation.
Walking over to the bed, he kicked off his shoes and walked over to the bathroom. He looked in mirror and for some reason the words of his mother rang in his head.
"You're fragile Johnathan and it's high time you realize it."
Shaking his head, he pushed all thoughts of his mother out of his aside as he turned on the knob in the bathtub. It was something he had been longing to do since he got of the hospital, soak in a nice hot bubble bath and even though his skin was still healing he knew it would hurt as soon as it hit the hot water it was something that he had been longing to do. Going back to his jacket, he pulled out his medication and poured the white circular pills into his hands. Not bothering to see how many pills he poured out, he simply popped the pills into his mouth and went back to the bathroom.
Slowly, he stripped off all his clothes and slowly placed his body into the hot water. Pain soared through his body as each piece of flesh entered the tub but it seemed to disappear as fast as it had appeared, all thanks to the drugs that J.D had taken beforehand.
Raising the soap to his body, he began to run it all over his skin; tracing each bruise and scar as he did so. As his eyes looked at the skin on his body, he had a suddenly feeling of disgust wash over his body. Every burn mark, cut, bruise represented an impurity that he just couldn't seem to wash off. The more the soap lathered and covered every inch of his body, the feeling seemed to intensify each time. The feeling started to overwhelm him as he dug his nails into skin, trying to claw away the disgusted feeling that he felt.
"It's all your fault ya know."
"What?" was all he whispered as the soap dropped from his hand and his stomach churned when he realized who the voice was.
"It's your fault you're like this" the familiar voice sneered again as J.D turned around to see the faint image of himself looking back at him, a broad smile on his face. He watched as he walked over closer to him, resting at the edge of tub with the smile still wide on his face. "And no amount of scrubbing will change that so you might as well except it."
"No not again" J.D whispered as he tried to back away from himself but only moved as far as the tub would let him. He raised his arm and saw the red marks that outlined all his skin from trying to scrub his skin raw.
"So I'm assuming that you are still in denial about everything that has been going on huh"
"You're not real."
"This again" he smiled at him as he inched himself closer to J.D. "You mean to tell me that you still think that I am nothing more than a figment of your "imagination?"
"That's all you are because you are not real" J.D replied as he grabbed the side of the tub, trying to will himself up but the effects of taking too much medication along with the sedative still in his system started to fully kick in as he suddenly became overwhelmed with a wave of dizziness.
"Oh did the little baby take too much medicine?" he laughed as J.D tried to lift himself up again but to no avail. The medicine was too much for him and it was making him unable to move. "How sad"
"Go away."
"Can't take the truth can you? You still haven't realized that nobody wants you around Johnathan, no one. I am the only friend that you've got because last time I checked, Turk hates you, and Perry pities you."
"Shut-up, Perry loves me more than you will ever know and nothing you can say will change that."
"Oh really" he laughed again as he got up from the rim of the tub and paced back and forth on the tile floor. "How come he doesn't want to have sex with; and please, don't tell me it's because he thinks you're not ready because I know the truth. The only reason he wanted you in the first place was because you were untainted, pure and now, now you're nothing but Walter's sloppy seconds and you do nothing but disgust him every time he looks at you.
"No, that's not true"
"Yes it is and you know it, just like you know you disgust your mom. She hates you so much and it hurts your soul to know that nothing you do will make her love you. She wishes that you were never born."
"Liar" J.D yelled but it came out as a whisper as he watched the figure move closer to him and his attempts to get away had failed him and he couldn't do anything but listen to what he was hearing. "My mom loves me."
"She hates you" he whispered back, lips pressed on J.D's ears. "How could she love a pathetic, weak loser like you? She doesn't care, nobody does and it's time you realize it."
"No-"
"They want nothing more then for you to die; in fact, how about you do us all a favor and kill yourself right now."
"I don't want to do that-"
"You might as well do it now because when you see the truth, you're going to wish that you had died that night in the woods; I'll make sure of that."
"Go away" he finally was able to yell as he used all the strength that he had in his body to push himself up to look at himself in the eye
"After you"
J.D opened his mouth to say something when suddenly he felt himself being pushed down in the water. Water washed over his face as the image of himself pushing him down in the tub was all he could see before the soap covered his eyes. He opened his mouth to scream but all that did was cause water to be flooded down his throat. The soap in the water burned his eyes as he tried to pull himself up but nothing he did worked. He fought as hard as he could but the overdose of the medication was making his body weak and the more he fought the tired he became.
He had closed the door behind Turk and walked back over to the bar. He had opted to make himself another drink when he realized that J.D had been in the bedroom for a long time. Deciding that it was time to check on him, he walked over to the bedroom and noticed that the light was off and the room appeared to be empty. He saw that the bathroom door was closed but the light was on and he figured that J.D was in there. It was then when he had walked over to the door he heard the noise coming from. To him, they seemed as nothing but mumbles as he pressed his ear against the door to get a better idea of what was going on but all he could hear was J.D apparently talking to himself.
"Go away" was the only clear thing he heard before a big splash came out of nowhere and rang throughout the room. Panicking, Perry tried to open the door but realized that it was locked. He began to bang on the door as the slashing continued and his heart leaped into his stomach when the splashing suddenly stopped; leaving nothing but an eerie silence in it's place.
Mustering all the strength he could, he picked up his foot and began to kick the door in. Finally, on his third kick, the door flew open and Perry ran toward the tub; careful not to slip on the wet floor when he saw J.D's lifeless body in the tub. Quickly pulling him out, he found that J.D had no pulse so he laid him on the floor and immediately began administering CPR, trying to do whatever he could to resuscitate him.
Pumping his chest and pressing his mouth to the still warm lips of J.D's, it wasn't long before the young man sprang forward in his arms and coughed up every once of water he had swallowed. Perry moved him to his side to allow the water to come out faster and pulled J.D back into his arms once it was all out.
He focused his eyes and looked around the room to see that his figure had once again disappeared and he was no longer underneath the cold water but was in the comforting arms of Perry. He immediately threw his arms around Perry's neck and balanced himself against him as he carried him out of the bathroom and into their bedroom.
He watched as Perry grabbed the antiseptic from the dresser as well as mover bandages to wrap his wet wrist again. He made no sound as the cold cream made contact with his skin nor did he say anything when Perry wrapped his wrist much to tightly for his pleasure. J.D could feel Perry's hands move up his legs as he placed a pair of sweatpants onto his body, pausing momentarily to rest at his hips.
Perry held his breath as he moved his hands to dress J.D. His eyes gazed at all the cuts and marks on his body and seeing them for the first time made his heart ache knowing that there was nothing he could have done to stop it. Resting his hands at J.D's hips, he gazed over the one especially long cut that made his own scar seemed tiny in comparison and before he realized what he was doing he had moved his hand to trace over the wound; careful not to press to hard on it. Moving from one cut his hand soon found another cut, bruise, or burn that could replace it.
He silently watched as Perry used his hand to trace over the soon to be scars of his body and wished that he could magically make them disappear because he knew that no matter what, those same scars would haunt him for the rest of his life; would haunt Perry for the rest of his life and he didn't want that. He didn't like the feeling that would make Perry regret falling for him.
"Stop that"
J.D was jerked out of his thoughts as he realized that Perry had stopped touching his stomach and moved his hands back to J.D's side. "What-"
"Stop thinking that I regret being with you because I don't." Perry whispered again as he lay down beside J.D and wrapped one arm around his waist. He didn't know how, but he had immediately known what J.D was thinking and he hated when he thought things like that.
"How did-"
"I don't know but I do know that I don't regret telling you how I felt because if it means I get to hold you like this every night then there's nothing to regret."
"But he said-"
"I don't care what Walter said because it doesn't matter what he said, I love you."
"Even after everything that's happened?"
"I love you."
"I love you too, you just don't know how much" J.D whispered as he wiped a fresh tear from his eyes as he moved his body closer to Perry and rested his head on his shoulder. His heart could tell that Perry meant every word that he said but he still couldn't shake the words that his image self told him. Could Perry be in love with him and afraid to touch him at the same time.
"J.D what happened?" was what Perry finally said as he once again pulled J.D's body close to his and surrounded him into a hug once more. It was what he had longed to say but dreaded the answer that he would get in return.
"What are you talking about?"
"In the bathroom, before I heard the splashing I heard you talking to what apparently was yourself and then I heard you fall. You did fall right."
J.D turned up his head to look Perry in the eyes and tried to think of a lie to tell Perry but nothing came to him. He could have told him that he slipped in the tub on the soap that he dropped or fell asleep while bathing but he knew that he needed to face the truth, that he wasn't okay and that maybe it was time for him to ask for some help.
"I don't really know but I think that I need more help than I thought." was all he said as he laid his head back on Perry's shoulder and drifted off to a dark sleep.
Perry listened as J.D's breathing became slower and even before he kissed his forehead and wrapped him even tighter in a hug. He had always knew that J.D was going to need more help to get past everything then he had let on and was happy that he was finally admitting it to him.
"Don't worry, I'll be there for you every step of the way." he whispered in his ear as he too fell into darkness and let the sleep surround him as well.
See I told you that Turk would come to his senses and realize that he didn't want to lose J.D as a friend and good Dr. Cox for being a friend to him for once but don't expect it to happen often. Don't worry J.D and Turk will talk real soon and patch things up like old times. As for Newbie, poor J.D, almost drowning in the tub and his evil counterpart telling him that he's worthless. Good thing Perry was there to pull him out in time and make sure he was okay even if he really wasn't. Will it ever get better for him or is he destined to end up in pain? You just have to wait and see and I will try to have the next chapter up by Next Saturday because that's my day off.
"Ricka"
