A Better Woman
I have always felt, with every relationship I have ever cared to embark on, that there has been an imbalance of investment and commitment. I've always felt like I've been the one who supports the relationship, the one who tries to keep it afloat, tries so hard to make it work, but of course, that has made me come across as an overly attached, bordering on needy, girlfriend. I couldn't help the fact that I wanted my relationships to succeed and that I fell in love so easily, but it was my "over commitment" that would often lead to the breakdown of the relationship. For years, the reputation I had inadvertently acquired was one I was ashamed of – the desperate and constantly broken hearted Callie Torres, whose personal life was always the subject of staff room gossip.
But, I thought to myself, that's going to change now. Long gone was the shame of the reputation I had held in Seattle – there were no feelings of embarrassment when I internally confessed to myself that I was falling head over heels in love with Arizona. I didn't care that we had only been together for a few weeks. I didn't care that we had not yet been on our first date. I didn't care that our first kiss had only happened a few seconds ago. What's the point in the denying how you feel to yourself? I was falling in love with her. I was falling in love with the awesome, beautiful, sunny, Arizona Robbins.
I know, I said to myself in response to the teeny tiny niggling thought in the back of my head, I know, I know, Arizona isn't the type of person that I'd normally go for, but there was this indescribable element about her, the je ne sais quoi, that made my heart strings pull tight, I'd be a fool to ignore it.
I felt the tugging deep in my chest every time I looked at here and every time I thought of her, and I knew, that with time, the pulling would grow stronger and eventually, it would never leave me.
As we stood blissfully in each other's arms, as I inhaled her sweet scent, as I took in her ethereal beauty, I knew that what we had was something that people search their whole lives for. How I found it instantly one fateful day in the hospital cafeteria was beyond me.
Arizona clasped her hand around one of mine, pulling me in for another sweet kiss. She ran her fingers through my hair and I instinctively copied her. If the rest of my life consisted of the last few minutes on repeat, I could die happy.
With our lips locked together and our hands tangled in each other's hair, we ignored the doorbell the first time. And the second time. I had hoped that one of the others would have answer the door, but when it rang again, we were forced to part.
"That'll be my parents." She whispered, as she left the room. I heard the familiar voices of Mr. and Mrs. Robbins as they entered the household, and I suddenly felt a pang of anxiety and nervousness. My breathing became shallow huffs and my palms became a little moist. Mr. Robbins bobbed his head around the living room door and having seen me, his face lit up.
"Doctor. Torres!" He swung the door open and lunged to grab my hand, shaking it vigorously.
"Dad, it's Calliope."
"Well, it's good to see you again Calliope." Mr. Robbins let go of my hand and my eyes passed from him to his wife, who was standing in the doorway beside her daughter. I managed to strangle out a couple of words to greet her, but I could feel my throat quickly closing up.
"Teddy and Mark are in the kitchen, why don't you say hello?" Arizona said sweetly whilst shooting me a concerned glance as her parents headed into the kitchen. Slumping back onto the couch, I slapped a palm on my forehead and sighed.
"What was all that about?" Arizona asked as shestood before me, her expression had changed to one of confusion with a hint of chagrin. I sat upright and sighed again.
"Oh nothing," I shrugged, "It's just that my girlfriend's parents are in the next room, that's all. And you know, I think I would rather be eaten by bears right now, but it's nothing to worry about." Arizona immediately dropped her look of displeasure and replaced it with a small, somewhat reassuring smile, whilst wrinkling her nose at my snarky response.
"Calliope, you've met them already!" She knelt down to me and began to entwine her fingers around mine, "And I've already told you before, you're not meeting my parents as my girlfriend today."
Getting up off the couch, my fingers still curled around hers, I grunted with dissatisfaction,"I might as well be."
"Listen, they've already formed their opinion of you and they like you. So, just relax, ok?"
"Opinions can change!" I pulled my hands away from hers and placed them on my hips, "I never... Come off well in situations like these. Parents always think I'm so goofy and-and stupid andI'm always, so-so-so – why are you smiling?"
Arizona let out a little girlish giggle and gave me a quick peck on the cheek, "You know, you're so adorable when you're in a panic." I tilted my head to the side, folded my arms and pouted at her. She laughed again and planted another kiss on my other cheek. I had to surrender to the smile I could feel forming on my face.
God, how did she do it? I've been trying to figure out for years how to calm myself down when I got nervous or worked up, but Arizona comes along and does it almost instantly.
The strange thing was, it didn't even seem like she was trying all that hard to calm my nerves – she hadn't acted any differently from her usual disposition. It seemed like the effect she had on me was just a by-product of her personality and I loved about her – she didn't need to go out of her way to make me feel better. It felt like within Arizona, there was a genetic code unique to her that had the sole purpose of comforting me. Arizona being Arizona was enough to calm any storm within me.
She leaned in once more and her mouth found mine. Hearing footsteps in the hallway, our kiss was abruptly cut short. Arizona smiled faintly, linking her arm around mine and leading me off into the kitchen to join the others.
With our bellies full to bursting thanks to Mark's delicious cooking, we retired into the living room, where the fire was burning and the smell of hot cocoa filled the air.
"I'm going to get a drink, would anybody like one?"
"Yes," I said immediately, recognising the glare Arizona had given me that signalled that she wanted to talk, "I'll come with you."
She made sure to shut the door firmly behind us as we entered the kitchen. This conversation we were about to have was obviously private.
"What's up?" Arizona blinked quickly and hesitated.
"Don't be mad."
"Don't give me a reason to be mad then." I grinned, leaning in to steal a kiss.
"You know how we agreed not to get each other gifts?"
"Arizona!" I protested. We had both come to the conclusion that our relationship was too newly established for the exchanging of Christmas presents. It was way too soon for the pressure of buying gifts for each other... Or so I had thought.
"Shh! They might hear us!" She knelt down and started to rummage around in one of the kitchen cabinets where she had hidden her present. Having found it, she leapt back up with a big beam on her face, "I saw this and I thought of -"
"Hi girls, any eggnog?"
"Dad, uh, yeah." Arizona quickly held the gift behind her back, pointed at the fridge and gave me a look as if to say "we'll do this later" before leaving the kitchen.
"Eggnog, Calliope?" Mr. Robbins asked, handing me a glass before I could even respond. A smile crept up onto my face. This was something Arizona was in the habit of doing – asking questions without really waiting for an answer. I never realised how similar she was to her father before that evening; they both had the same beautiful sea blue eyes and although Mr. Robbins was greying, I could tell that he use to have the same sunshine shade of blonde as his daughter. It was also very obvious that Arizona had inherited those adorable dimples from her father.
"Please, it's Callie." I said, accepting the glass of eggnog. He nodded and leaned in closer to me.
"So Callie, you know Arizona quite well don't you?"
"A-Yessss?" I hesitantly answered, not knowing where this conversation was going.
"So, you'll be able to tell me, won't you? I'd ask Teddy but..." He lowered his voice into a soft husky whisper, which I thought was completely unnecessary since everyone else was in the living room, "Are Mark and Arizona..." He waved his hand up in the air, "You know?"
I stifled a laugh when I saw his deadly serious face, "What? Uh..." I hesitated again even though I knew the answer, "N-no?"
"Oh... Oh right. My wife and I were just doing a little speculating just now. Seems like I owe her five pounds." I raised my eyebrow at him, "Oh no, don't get the wrong impression! It's just that, well, she's never brought anyone home to us, we were just... Like I said, speculating." He smiled briefly and muttered something inaudible under his breath, before excusing himself from the kitchen. I stood there along for a few minutes after he had left, thinking over what I had just heard.
Although I had never really given it much thought before, I had always considered Arizona as being comfortable and open about her sexuality. Sure, she wouldn't parade around screaming "I'm a lesbian" at the top of her voice, but I just always assumed that she was... Out. I mean, it was an unspoken fact at work that she and I were together. For someone so confident and open, it seemed strange for me to find out that she was still in the closet.
Is that why she had been so quick to say that she wasn't going to introduce me as her girlfriend because her parents didn't know she was lesbian?
A hundred questions began racing around in my head. What should I do? Should I bring it up and ask her about it? Drop it casually into conversation? Hint that I know?
None of them seemed to be a very good idea. I was sure that she had her own reasons for not telling her mother and father – I would just have to respect her decision. I remembered how long I anguished over the decision to tell my parents about my bisexuality, knowing that it would all end in tears. But I survived the rows and the screaming and the disappointment, so I was sure that she would too. I shook all the ideas of confronting Arizona out of my head and decided that the best course of action would be just to keep my mouth shut.
Callie Torres, you are not to say a word, I told myself, hoping that my curiosity wouldn't get the better of me.
Arizona's parents left a little while after, claiming that it was "getting late" and that they would "just let the young ones have fun". Of course, everyone else thought no more of it, but I couldn't help but think that their early departure was somehow linked to the conversation I had had with Mr. Robbins over the eggnog.
Arizona's long blonde curls were splayed out over my tights as she rested her head on my legs.
"Hey," She whispered, looking up at me as I twirled a lock of her hair around my fingers, "I promised Mark we'd do the dishes."
I waved my hand up in the air, "Later. I just want to do this a little longer."
"Do what?"
"You know, be here, play with your hair, look at you..."
She giggled and got up off the couch.
"Hey, what are you doing? Where are you going?"
"Come on." She pulled at my wrists, "Up!"
"W-why?"
"Because, if we don't do the dishes now, we'll never do them. I'll just end up staring at you all night long."
"Well, I wouldn't mind that." I winked, but she continued to tug me off my seat, "Oh come on, just a few more minutes?" Arizona ignored my pleas. I reluctantly got up and followed her into the kitchen.
"I'll wash, you dry." She said, tossing me a tea towel and turning on the taps with a big grin on her face, "You should have seen them interrogate Mark earlier. His. Face. Was. Priceless!"
"Who – What?"
"My parents thought it would be fun to shoot a load of questions at Mark – made him really uncomfortable."
"When was this?"
"When you were trying to call your parents. Did you get through to them in the end?"
"No." I lied. Truth was, I had got through to them. The call lasted about five seconds, which was just long enough for my father and I to exchange of Christmas greetings and nothing more, which I guess, was an improvement on the year before. "What did they ask?" I said, trying to shake away the disappointment.
"It started off with questions about his childhood, his family, his hobbies... But then it moved on to relationships. Did you know he's slept with over fifty different women? Well he said around twenty, so I'm thinking it's more like fifty. My mother was horrified, and my dad, it was like they -"
"Arizona." She turned to face me with a little smile, "I had this weird talk with your dad." A look of puzzlement mixed with fear spread across her face.
"What... What was it about?"
"Well, he bet your mother five pounds that you and Mark were..." I watched her wince as I told her what her father had said, "That's probably why they were asking Mark all those questions, because they thought you were... Together." She turned away from me and continued scrubbing the plate in her hands. Fuckity fuck, I should not have mentioned that at all. I should have just let her live happily in her little bubble, but instead I had foolishly taken it upon myself to burst it. Stupid Calliope. STUPID BAD CALLIOPE.
There was a moment of silence that felt like a lifetime as I waited anxiously for Arizona to respond.
"So... He owes my mother five pounds." She said, finally, adding with an unconvincing smile, "Because I'm definitely not with Mark Sloan – did you tell him that?" I nodded. Although she sounded calm and collected, the way she thrusted the plate forcefully into my hand told me that she was not a happy bunny. Sensing that I shouldn't push the situation any further, I decided to back off and change the subject.
"Mark's really outdone himse-"
"I know what you're thinking! Don't bother!" She said in a defensive tone, as she dropped her sponge into the water, causing water droplets to fly out of the sink. I was taken aback by the sudden outburst and could only mumble a "what?" as a response. I really really should not have mentioned it.
"You're judging me! 'Oh poor Arizona, still in the closet, too afraid to tell her parents.'"
"I don't think that at -"
"Well no! You don't get to think that. You don't know a thing about -"
"Arizona! That's not what I think! And I'm certainly not judging you." I put the plate down as gently as I could and placed my hand on her arm, "I'm not judging you, I promise." This did not seem to reassure her at all. She shrugged my hand away from her and refused to meet my eye.
"If you think for one second that I'm going to come out for you... Well, you've got another thing coming."
"I didn't think that eith-" She turned her head sharply to look at me, her curls flicking me in the face.
"Because when I do come out, it's not going to be for you, it's not going to be for anyone except for me, ok? I chose when, and now is not when."
I could see a layer of moisture building up in her eyes and she was shaking a little. I couldn't tell if it was from anger or fear, but I placed both of my arms around her to lock her into a hug. I felt her resist me for a split second, before she succumbed to my embrace.
I didn't know how I felt about Arizona being in the closet. Sure, it was a surprise, but I could hardly judge her for it because I had done exactly the same thing too. It had taken me a long time to muster up the courage to tell my parents, and even then it had been Erica who had persuaded me to.
Although I could hear her muffled sniffles, I couldn't help but admire Arizona's strength – she was right, nobody should come out for anyone other than for themselves. I just wished I had know that before.
"Arizona?"
"Yes?" She lifted her head off my shoulder and looked at me as if she was searching for something.
"Arizona, I'm never going to use it against you, I'm never going to push you or force you to do anything, but if you do decide to tell them, I'm going to be here for you, ok? You're still the same Arizona to me, whether your parents know about it or not. You're still my Arizona."
Arizona made a little squeal and nestled her head into the crook of her neck. She kissed my neck and let out a contented sigh.
"I love that. "My Arizona." I love that."
As I held her in my arms, I beat the urge to say those three little words – it was far too soon, I didn't want to risk it, and instead, I silently chastised myself for causing the anguish I could have spared her.
