Chapter 8
Lily sat nervously at her desk in the Transfiguration classroom. Professor McGonagall was already checking students were present and ready for the day. And Severus was nowhere to be seen.
She knew in her gut that something was wrong. He hadn't been at breakfast, and he wasn't here now. Either another nightmare had come to him, shaken him, and had him shutting himself away again; or his dorm mates had done something to him. In a twisted way, she hoped it was his dorm mates. Sadly, Severus was rather adept at handling, and recovering from physical pain. More so than a 16 year old should be anyway.
Professor McGonagall was talking, introducing the lesson. Lily wasn't listening. She alternated between jabbing with her quill on the desk, biting her fingernails, and glancing over her shoulder at the door. With a huff and a distracted sigh, she started tapping her fingers on the desk.
"Something wrong, Miss Evans?" Professor McGonagall asked sharply, making Lily jump as she appeared in front of her desk.
"What? Oh, um, no. Sorry Professor" she felt her face turning red as she tried to ignore the giggles the rest of the class were trying to suppress.
"Well perhaps we could leave the drumming for a music class?" she posed, raising an eyebrow as she walked away from Lily's desk.
"Yes. Sorry Professor" she replied quickly, wringing her hands in her lap to stop herself tapping. Just as Professor McGonagall reached the front of the classroom again, the door suddenly burst open. Lily turned sharply in her chair, hoping to see Severus striding in and making his way over to her.
"Good morning, Headmaster" Professor McGonagall greeted politely. Lily's shoulders slumped as she realised it was not who she was hoping to see
"Good morning indeed, Professor McGonagall. My apologies for the disruption, I need to borrow Miss Evans" he explained with a smile. Lily froze, why would he need to see her? Unless...
"Of course, Headmaster. Miss Evans, you are excused" she nodded to her, Lily nodded in return, eyes widening.
"Bring your belongings, Miss Evans, we may be a while" he said calmly, still smiling which unnerved her. Hurriedly, she threw her things into her bag and followed him out of the classroom, ignoring the whispers that followed her.
Lily followed the Headmaster in silence, worried about where they were headed. Worried about what could have happened that required her removal from a class. Was it Severus? Was he in trouble? Had someone hurt him? Had he hurt himself?
"Sir, where are we going?" she asked finally, unable to stand the silence
"The Hospital Wing, Miss Evans"
"The Hospital Wing? Severus?" she asked, worry fast becoming fear. Dumbledore stopped walking and turned to speak to her
"Yes, Miss Evans. Do not overly worry, it is nothing serious" he added, obviously seeing the panic written on her face "He is a little agitated this morning, a minor injury"
"Agitated? How? What injury?" she blurted out, not even waiting for answers as she carried on walking, desperately needing to get to him now.
"Miss Evans, he is fine. Or at least, he will be. He is asking for you. He is refusing to let Madam Pomfrey heal his injury until you're there" he explained as he followed her
"That's not like him, he usually tries to hide it when someone puts him in the Hospital Wing" she frowned, shaking her head.
"Indeed he does. He is obviously in need of some support. And he trusts you, Miss Evans"
"I should think he does!"
"Is there something troubling Mr Snape?" Lily stopped and turned to face the Headmaster again. She desperately wanted to tell him everything. The nightmares. Potter and the Marauders. Slytherin. But it wasn't her decision to make. She couldn't betray Severus' trust like that, even if it would help him
"I think you really need to ask Severus that, Sir" she replied quietly
"Please do talk to him, Miss Evans. Do let him know he can come to me, for any reason. If he needs guidance, my door will always be open for him" he said kindly
"Yes, Sir, I'll talk to him" she nodded.
The rest of the journey was made in silence, quickly arriving at the Hospital Wing and pushing open the heavy double doors. Lily scanned the room, looking along the row of empty beds. The last bed, in the far corner, had the curtain partially drawn, she could see Madam Pomfrey standing at the foot of the bed, hands on hips, looking over the occupant.
Madam Pomfrey looked up as Lily and Dumbledore made their way along the row and motioned for them to come down
"Is she here?" she heard Severus asking
"Yes, Mr Snape, she's here" she shot Lily an exasperated look as she approached his bed "I'll be in my office with the Headmaster" she announced to the pair "talk some sense into him please, Miss Evans" she whispered to Lily on her way passed to join Dumbledore in her office.
Lily stood at the foot of the bed, looking over Severus, who at this moment, looked perfectly calm. No sign of agitation, no sign of injury. Lily was confused as she took a seat in the chair beside his bed. Waiting for him to talk. He said nothing, just stared at her, as she looked at him.
"So what happened?" she asked quietly. Severus shrugged "Sev? Dumbledore said you were hurt. Did someone hurt you? Or did you...?" she couldn't finish the sentence.
"I punched a mirror. A couple of times" he answered, showing her his hand, cuts still there
"Any particular reason?"
"Yes" he sighed, "But I'm not talking about it here" Ah, nightmare then. She nodded her understanding
"Why wouldn't you let Madam Pomfrey heal you?"
"I wasn't thinking straight" he admitted "I wanted to talk to you"
"The Headmaster said you were 'agitated'" she said carefully
"I was. I didn't want to be alone" he said quietly as he looked away. She shifted her chair closer and took his hand, the uninjured one, threading their fingers together
"He wants you to talk to him, Sev." He shook his head
"Not yet"
"Sev..."
"Lily, not yet. Please. Did you say anything to him?" he asked, suddenly sounding alarmed
"No, it's not for me to tell. Only you can decide when it's time to talk" she tried to reassure him. He nodded then, taking a deep breath as he relaxed back against the pillows, closing his eyes.
"Could you at least tell him you're worried about your dorm mates? Tell him you punched the mirror instead of retaliating against them?" at least if he did that it would put off talking about the nightmares, and keep the door open to talk more further down the line.
Severus stayed quiet for a few minutes, either lost in thought or mulling it over, before he met her eyes and nodded.
"I'll talk to him about them. Will you stay with me while I talk to him?" he asked her, still looking worried.
"If you want me to stay, I'll stay" she nodded. "Do you think Madam Pomfrey can take a look at your hand now? For me?" if he wouldn't do it for himself, maybe he would do it for her. He rolled his eyes as the corner of his mouth twitched towards a smile. He was on to her then.
"Fine. For you" he finally answered. Lily smiled and nodded. A small victory. A start at least. She would need to find out about the nightmare later, whatever it was, it couldn't have been good. Whatever he'd seen had had him punching a mirror and refusing treatment until he felt safe again. He was safe now, and she would keep doing whatever she could to keep him that way
...
Severus lay back against the soft pillows of the hospital bed, desperately hoping for sleep. The broken nights he'd had this week were only adding to the anxiety in his chest. Anxiety which was growing again after a new nightmare. However much he denied it, two nights without a hint of a dream had lulled him into a false sense of security. Security which had come crashing down around him at the sight of His Mark. The anger, the frustration and self loathing had bubbled up so high, he'd felt the only thing he could do was smash the mirror. He's barely felt the physical pain with the first punch, glass splintering and embedding into his knuckles with the second punch.
He had planned on hiding all day, focussing on the sharp pain that had taken over his hand. It was easier to focus on that than the pain in his mind. The pain in his chest. The hopeless misery. But his resolve didn't last, and by the time he'd decided he could talk to Lily, she would already be in their first class of the day.
So he went to the Hospital Wing, he'd asked Madam Pomfrey if Lily could be fetched. She had refused. He had panicked, his breathing becoming shallower and more rapid. He tried to tell himself he didn't really need Lily, he could do this alone. He knew he was lying to himself. He needed her.
Eventually Madam Pomfrey had contacted Dumbledore, and he agreed to fetch Lily. She could come, calm him down. Make things ok again.
Now, she was sat beside his bed, holding his hand, the two of them in silence. She knew why he'd smashed the mirror, but not the details of the nightmare. He would share that later, when they were truly alone. Where Madam Pomfrey, and especially Dumbledore, couldn't overhear them. He would talk to the Headmaster eventually. But not today.
Footsteps approaching the bed brought him back to the room, eyes snapping open to glance cautiously at Madam Pomfrey and the Headmaster. Neither of them looked angry, and he didn't know if that was a good thing or not. Lily squeezed his fingers in reassurance.
"Can I take a look at your hand now then, Mr Snape?" Madam Pomfrey asked, stepping to the side of the bed. Severus nodded and held out his bloodied knuckles. She began healing him without a word, removing the glass carefully, summoning a potion to clean his wounds.
"What is happening, Mr Snape?" Dumbledore asked carefully
"Just a few problems with my dorm mates, Sir"
"Would you care to elaborate?" Severus sighed "Would you prefer to talk alone?" he asked as he looked over at Lily
"No," Severus shook his head "Lily already knows everything that's going on" he explained
"I'm pleased you have a friend to confide in"
"It's just difficult, to talk about, Sir. If they found out..."
"This will not go any further than this room, unless you say otherwise, Severus" he assured him. Severus drew in a deep breath as Dumbledore pulled up a chair on the opposite side of the bed to Lily, Madam Pomfrey headed back to her office now his hand was healed.
"Some of my dorm mates had planned to attack Mary MacDonald last week" he began "I told Lily about it, so they could avoid it. They are not happy they were stopped. They are not happy with me"
"You didn't want Miss MacDonald to be hurt?"
"Of course not. Nobody should be hurt" he snapped
"No, they shouldn't, Severus"
"They have made their career intentions clear, Sir" he said, meeting his eyes
"And you do not wish to follow the same path?"
"No" he said, shaking his head firmly
"And they are aware of this?"
"Yes" he nodded "I think this has them more upset with me than they originally were. They want me to 'do as I'm told' or they will hurt me. They'll hurt Lily" he said as he looked away
"And you wish to protect her?"
"I can't protect her by becoming one of them"
"No" Dumbledore agreed, smiling "So, what can we do to help you, Severus?"
"I have no idea, Sir" he admitted
"Well. I think to start with, we watch. If I start questioning them now, it will only draw attention to yourself and Miss Evans. Avoid them whenever you can, and come to myself or Professor Slughorn if they make any direct threats" Severus nodded, distance was needed. Gather the information. Keep watching. Waiting.
"Your injury, Severus?" Severus lifted his hand, turning it over to look at his now clean skin "Self inflicted?" he raised an eyebrow
"Yes, Sir. I was...frustrated"
"Is there something else troubling you?"
"No, Sir" he shook his head as Dumbledore's gaze pierced him
"Are you quite certain, Severus?"
"Yes, Sir"
"In that case, I shall leave you to get some rest. I think you need it" he smiled "My door is open, should you wish to talk. When the time is right." Severus could only nod as the Headmaster rose from the chair and swept out of the Hospital Wing.
As the door closed, Severus let out a groan of frustration
"What's wrong?" Lily asked softly
"I think, he knows" he said as he met her eyes
"How?"
"I don't know. But I guess I'm going to have to talk to him sooner, rather than later" he sighed "You should be getting back to class anyway" he told her, changing the subject.
"Are you sure, I don't mind staying"
"No, go. You can fill me in on what I've missed later"
"Only if you're sure" she said as she stood
"I'm going to try and get some sleep. We'll talk about everything later" he reassured her as best he could
"Ok then. Get some rest. For your sake" she whispered, pushing the hair away from his forehead. All he could do was nod and stare at her, "See you later, Sev" she said as she pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead before she grabbed her bag and quickly left.
He exhaled heavily as the doors closed behind her, she kissed me, was the only thought his brain could process as he closed his eyes. The feel of her kiss still lingering on his forehead as he drifted off to sleep. Maybe today wasn't so bad after all.
