HERCULE POIROT'S CHRISTMAS

This is a story by tikitikirevenge. Not hoogiman.

Disclaimer: Like what I said in the previous chapters: I own the colon and the inverse semi-colon (as if anyone uses that), but none of the characters in this story save for those who I have created (maybe one?). I do not represent Nintendo, its employees, its contractors, their employees, their contractors, their employees, or Ford. Any similarity between the names of fictitious companies in this story and real organizations is purely coincidental. I resent any accusations that I am weird. I am simply abnormal.

CHAPTER EIGHT: THE CHAPTER AFTER THE CHAPTER AFTER THE CHAPTER FOLLOWING THE CHAPTER WHICH COMES AFTER THE CHAPTER AFTER THE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTERS AFTER THE CHAPTER BEFORE THE CHAPTER BEFORE THE CHAPTER BEFORE THE CHAPTER PRECEDING THE CHAPTER THAT COMES BEFORE THE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTERS BEFORE THE FINAL CHAPTER

The planet orbited the sun several times before Princess Peach of Mushroom Kingdom realised that she had reached a wall.
"That explains why I can't move forward," she said.
Peach carefully raised her arms and pressed them against the wall, performing a delicate manoeuvre known as "turning around".
"Now," said Peach. "I shall be able to walk onto this freeway." And with an air of immense satisfaction, she began towards the bustling centre of the island. (No, not the ice cream parlour, the freeway. Like I was just talking about, remember?)
"Not so fast," said Bowser, jumping in front of her. "I have a score to settle with you."
"Oh dearie me," said Peach cheerfully.
"That's bad for you."
"Oh," said Peach. "I suppose I should scream?"
"You can scream all you want," said Bowser. "Nobody wi-"
Peach started to scream in a really high pitch and at an amazing volume.
"Aargh!" said Bowser. "How did you know that bad singing is my weakness?"
"I thought it was tennis," said Peach, confused.
"I told you my weakness was tennis? Well, it's not, it is bad singing," said Bowser.
"I shall have to tell the Mario brothers about this," said Peach.
"Oh!" said Bowser, shocked. "In that case, my weakness is tennis."
In the middle of this violent argument, Yoshi swooped down (we'll pretend he temporarily become a flying dinosaur) and kidnapped Bowser. "Help!" screamed Bowser. "I'm being taken away by a bad role reversal!"
"Serves you right," said Peach. "Now I'll have to save you, Bowser."
Peach 64 – Level 1
Walk to the hotel.
"I can't do that," said Peach to nobody in particular. "I don't know the way to the hotel."
It's right in front of you.
"Oh," said Peach, adding as an afterthought, "I can't walk."
Peach considered this for a moment. "I think I'll just get my friendly stunt double to help me. Oh, Zelda!"
Across the freeway, Zelda the kind, friendly princess who also pretended to be a princess heard Peach's cry, and removed her trusty sabre from Link's stomach. "Wait for me," she said, "or else."
"Yes'm," said Link, trembling.
In slow motion, Zelda somersaulted over the freeway, pausing in midair to throw a used can of Cokepsi™ into a pedestrian's head. She then landed on Peach's side of the freeway. (Peach had gotten that district for her 10th birthday.)
"Let's go!" said Peach. Zelda and Peach swapped places, and Zelda walked towards the hotel. Zelda and Peach then swapped places again.
"There!" said Zelda. "Now if anybody was watching, they would think that you had walked into the hotel of your own accord. Of course, they may have noticed my ears, or my jewellery, or that I'm wearing a blue enchanted sheik costume, or the five minutes I spent dragging you into the limousine which carried you the last six metres into the hotel. But all in all, it's good."
"GREAT WORK!" shouted Peach and Zelda together, slapping each other on the cheek playfully.
"Help!" shouted Ness, running into the room. "Captain Falcon and Blood Falcon are ramming race cars into my toy box!"
"You keep a toy box?" said Link. "Hahahahaha! Ness acts like a chi-ild! Ness act's like a kid-dy! Ness has gone all wi-ild! Ness has gone all gid-dy!" He danced around in circles, jeering.
"I am a child," pointed out Ness. "Anyway, I was saying that this was a perfect job for-"
"Us?" squealed Peach, gripping Zelda tightly.
"Actually, I was going to ask that bounty hunter hunter over there, but you two will do."
Peach and Zelda ran off towards Ness, and they headed out.
"I am NOT a bounty hunter hunter!" shouted Samus after them. "First, I don't go out of my way to find Falcon. Second, Falcon is not a bounty hunter. He uses special effects. SPECIAL EFFECTS, I TELL YOU!"
"It's okay," said Ridley the dragon, patting her on the shoulder. "They're not worth it."
"Thanks," sobbed Samus. "You're so caring, Ridley."
Ridley and Samus started to hug and kiss and cuddle and do awfully sweet things.
"Egad!" gasped several space pirates and floating Metroids. "That is the most ridiculous plot line we've ever seen! You two are mortal enemies!"
"Oh yeah?" said Samus. "What about the story where we all threw a party on Tallon IV? Do you want to repeat that particular episode?"
"You go kiss," stammered the head space pirate. They ran off.
"Mamma mia," said Mario. "Samus appears to have made up with her enemy."
"That's why we are-a all friends-a, Mario," said Luigi.
"Pardon?"
"Pizza, you pastry ignorant-a fool!" exclaimed Luigi.
Mario beamed. "Pizza it is!" They danced together out of the bar.
As they danced away, Donkey Kong discreetly followed them, at least as discretely as a ten ton ape with his foot tied to several large percussion instruments and a minor country can be.
"I bet that Mario was the evil dude who stole my giant banana," said Donkey Kong. "I have to get that banana back. Without it, nobody cares about what I have to say. People only listen to me because they know that the banana understands."
"Actually, I'm the evil dude who sto-" began Ganondorf.
"Shut up," said Donkey Kong, flicking Ganondorf aside.
"No!" shouted Ganondorf as DK walked away. "You can have it! I don't need it anyway! I already have enough bananas to last me an eternity!" Ganondorf remembered that he was immortal. "Okay…" he corrected. "Half an eternity."
"Eternity is an infinite measure of time," pointed out Ness. "And infinity multiplied by any positive number is still infinity."
"I put girl toys in your toy box," said Ganondorf, ignoring Ness.
"Gasp!" gasped Ness, gasping. "Not girl toys!" The child genius ran around in circles, crying like a little kid. "You're so mean!" said Ness.
"It's a side effect of being evil."
"Wait…" said Ness. "So all evil people are mean?"
"Deep inside, yes."
"And are they all cruel?"
"Yes."
"And nasty?"
"Yes."
"And powerful?"
"Yes."
"And deeply hateful of life?"
"Yes."
"And do they cry at night holding on to pig skeletons?"
"Yes."
"HA!" said Ness. "TAKE THAT! I've got you saying that on tape!" He smiled. "You thought you won, but you were wrong!" Ness ran off towards the nearest Auto-Compromising-Audio-Publishing station.
Ganondorf watched in shock as Ness fled. "This is horrible! If word gets out, us evil villains will be the laughing stock of all living and dead creatures! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wait… that's bad!"
Ganondorf performed a Spell of Ancient Dark Mystic Dragonlord Reminder Pullback Remembrance Forgiveness Deathly Somethingness. "PREPARE MY BATH-O-SUB!" he commanded.
A foot-long Subhealthy bun materialized in front of Ganondorf. Well, not so much a foot long as a leg-long. Or, if you want to be precise, a bun in the shape of a hapless villager.
As he munched on his evil plan perfecting pastries, Ganondorf came across an ingenious method to stop Ness from reaching the… whatever it was I wrote just then. "It's brilliant!" he said to himself. "It's absolute genius-killing genius!
"I KILL NESS!" he screamed ungrammatically (I love that words (that was a deliberating error (that wasnt (this is just ugly)))).
Lots of evil flying… animal… er… hamsters – evil flying hamsters went flying across the town until they were right behind Ness, who was riding his trike at breakneck pace.
Ness turned around. "Oh no!" he shouted. "I'm being chased by flying hamsters!" He pressed a button on his trike, sending missiles the size of a house flying out of the trike and into the hamsters.
Most of the hamsters imploded, but a few remained.
"I'm out of incomprehensibly large missiles," realised Ness. He pressed another button and the trike turned into a… er… submarine. It also zapped itself… no, teleported… into the sewage system. The hamsters followed suit.
"I'll have to throw some beach balls at them!" shouted Ness to himself. He stuck his head out of the window and, still underwater, threw beach balls dead on at the hamsters. The ones who got hit stopped chasing him and started running on the beach balls.
The last two hamsters pulled out their beam swords and hacked through the ship.
As Ness sank to the depths of the sewer, he took a deep breath and dived into the sea. WTF?
He surfaced at the point where the sea met the top of the alpine tropical subterranean mountain.
"Yoshi?" said Yoshi, who coincidentally, happened to be sitting right where Ness landed.
"Let's go!" shouted Ness. He threw his boomerang cap at one hamster and watched it explode. Partially on fire, the cap landed back on Ness' head. "Good work, cap!"
The final hamster jumped onto Ness' neck before he could react.
It raised its STEEL-LINED CLAWS and aimed…
…and handed Ness a note.
Ness unfolded it and read. "I am going to kill you, signed Ganondorf."
The hamster passed him a Pepscike coupon and scurried off.
"Ooh," said Ness. "Pepscike. It refreshes quickly and-"
Yoshi ran under a low bridge. He made it through, but Ness completely collided with the sharp steel spikes.
Yoshi leaped across a cliff and landed between Marth and Roy. He pulled out his shotgun and killed them.
"Why did you kill me?" said Roy.
"Yoshi." "I'm a dinosaur."
"I knew it!" said Marth. "That's why you're green and reptilian with traces of avian skeletal features. And it explains the 'I'm a dinosaur' bumper sticker on your rear end."
Falco and Fox kidnapped Yoshi, and dragged him to the airport.
Everyone was there, including Marth and Roy, who had come back to life because of the force of universal suffrage (the LGEO brick and I agreed).
"Well," said Master Hand. "You're all going home."
"Now I can rescue my dog!" said Peach.
"I thought that was your plot line, Zelda," communicated Mewtwo.
"We struck a deal," said Bowser.
"You're not-a Zelda," said Link.
"That's my accent, baby!" said Mario.
"Let's all go home," said Samus.
"Okay," said Captain Falcon.
They all went home.
The end.
Come to think of it, that sentence isn't very obvious, is it?
I'll try again:
THE END

Author's note: I'd like to thank Dormant Psycho for his/her suggestions about paragraphing. As you can see, I have decided that I needed to make the breaks between paragraphs far more obvious, because Dormant Psycho believed that a large block of text with no white space hurt the eyes. And for the record, the idea for an action hero flying pig was my idea. If Dormant Psycho uses that idea, he or she stole the idea from me. Not vice versa. Not, of course, that there's any reason to believe that I'd steal Dormant Psycho's innovative idea for- I'll just stop here before I defame anybody, like that stupid hoogiman.
Thank you all for submitting your hundreds of nice reviews! It was very generous of you to show how much appreciation you all felt for my story. I'm glad that you all gave so much positive feedback and input, because it meant that I didn't have to write the story with no support.

Please feel guilty?

"What'cha reading?" asked Mario, to Peach.
"It's my new spork," said Peach. "You can eat jam with it!"
"Amazing," said Mario.
"Yes," said Peach.
"Yes," said Mario.
"Yes," said Peach.
"Yes," said Mario.
"Yes," said Peach.
"Yes," said Mario.
"Yes," said Peach.
"Yes," said Mario.
Please leave now.

Oh, and please review!

And read my other stories.

Because you feel very guilty.

IKNOWWHEREYOULIVE!