HERCULE POIROT'S CHRISTMAS
This is a story by tikitikirevenge. Not hoogiman.
Disclaimer: Like what I said in the previous chapters: I own the colon and the inverse semi-colon (as if anyone uses that), but none of the characters in this story save for those who I have created (maybe one?). I do not represent Nintendo, its employees, its contractors, their employees, their contractors, their employees, or Ford. Any similarity between the names of fictitious companies in this story and real organizations is purely coincidental. I resent any accusations that I am weird. I am simply abnormal.
CHAPTER EIGHT: THE CHAPTER AFTER THE CHAPTER
AFTER THE CHAPTER FOLLOWING THE CHAPTER WHICH COMES AFTER THE CHAPTER
AFTER THE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTERS AFTER THE CHAPTER BEFORE THE CHAPTER
BEFORE THE CHAPTER BEFORE THE CHAPTER PRECEDING THE CHAPTER THAT
COMES BEFORE THE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTERS BEFORE THE FINAL CHAPTER
The
planet orbited the sun several times before Princess Peach of
Mushroom Kingdom realised that she had reached a wall.
"That
explains why I can't move forward," she said.
Peach carefully
raised her arms and pressed them against the wall, performing a
delicate manoeuvre known as "turning around".
"Now," said
Peach. "I shall be able to walk onto this freeway." And with an
air of immense satisfaction, she began towards the bustling centre of
the island. (No, not the ice cream parlour, the freeway. Like I was
just talking about, remember?)
"Not so fast," said Bowser,
jumping in front of her. "I have a score to settle with you."
"Oh
dearie me," said Peach cheerfully.
"That's bad for
you."
"Oh," said Peach. "I suppose I should scream?"
"You
can scream all you want," said Bowser. "Nobody wi-"
Peach
started to scream in a really high pitch and at an amazing
volume.
"Aargh!" said Bowser. "How did you know that bad
singing is my weakness?"
"I thought it was tennis," said
Peach, confused.
"I told you my weakness was tennis? Well, it's
not, it is bad singing," said Bowser.
"I shall have to tell
the Mario brothers about this," said Peach.
"Oh!" said
Bowser, shocked. "In that case, my weakness is tennis."
In the
middle of this violent argument, Yoshi swooped down (we'll pretend
he temporarily become a flying dinosaur) and kidnapped Bowser.
"Help!" screamed Bowser. "I'm being taken away by a bad role
reversal!"
"Serves you right," said Peach. "Now I'll
have to save you, Bowser."
Peach 64 – Level 1
Walk
to the hotel.
"I can't do that," said Peach to nobody in
particular. "I don't know the way to the hotel."
It's
right in front of you.
"Oh," said Peach, adding as an
afterthought, "I can't walk."
Peach considered this for a
moment. "I think I'll just get my friendly stunt double to help
me. Oh, Zelda!"
Across the freeway, Zelda the kind, friendly
princess who also pretended to be a princess heard Peach's cry, and
removed her trusty sabre from Link's stomach. "Wait for me,"
she said, "or else."
"Yes'm," said Link, trembling.
In
slow motion, Zelda somersaulted over the freeway, pausing in midair
to throw a used can of Cokepsi™ into a pedestrian's head. She
then landed on Peach's side of the freeway. (Peach had gotten that
district for her 10th birthday.)
"Let's go!" said
Peach. Zelda and Peach swapped places, and Zelda walked towards the
hotel. Zelda and Peach then swapped places again.
"There!"
said Zelda. "Now if anybody was watching, they would think that you
had walked into the hotel of your own accord. Of course, they may
have noticed my ears, or my jewellery, or that I'm wearing a blue
enchanted sheik costume, or the five minutes I spent dragging you
into the limousine which carried you the last six metres into the
hotel. But all in all, it's good."
"GREAT WORK!" shouted
Peach and Zelda together, slapping each other on the cheek
playfully.
"Help!" shouted Ness, running into the room.
"Captain Falcon and Blood Falcon are ramming race cars into my toy
box!"
"You keep a toy box?" said Link. "Hahahahaha! Ness
acts like a chi-ild! Ness act's like a kid-dy! Ness has gone all
wi-ild! Ness has gone all gid-dy!" He danced around in circles,
jeering.
"I am a child," pointed out Ness. "Anyway, I
was saying that this was a perfect job for-"
"Us?" squealed
Peach, gripping Zelda tightly.
"Actually, I was going to ask
that bounty hunter hunter over there, but you two will do."
Peach
and Zelda ran off towards Ness, and they headed out.
"I am NOT a
bounty hunter hunter!" shouted Samus after them. "First, I don't
go out of my way to find Falcon. Second, Falcon is not a bounty
hunter. He uses special effects. SPECIAL EFFECTS, I TELL YOU!"
"It's
okay," said Ridley the dragon, patting her on the shoulder.
"They're not worth it."
"Thanks," sobbed Samus. "You're
so caring, Ridley."
Ridley and Samus started to hug and kiss and
cuddle and do awfully sweet things.
"Egad!" gasped several
space pirates and floating Metroids. "That is the most ridiculous
plot line we've ever seen! You two are mortal enemies!"
"Oh
yeah?" said Samus. "What about the story where we all threw a
party on Tallon IV? Do you want to repeat that particular
episode?"
"You go kiss," stammered the head space pirate.
They ran off.
"Mamma mia," said Mario. "Samus appears to
have made up with her enemy."
"That's why we are-a all
friends-a, Mario," said Luigi.
"Pardon?"
"Pizza, you
pastry ignorant-a fool!" exclaimed Luigi.
Mario beamed. "Pizza
it is!" They danced together out of the bar.
As they danced
away, Donkey Kong discreetly followed them, at least as discretely as
a ten ton ape with his foot tied to several large percussion
instruments and a minor country can be.
"I bet that Mario was
the evil dude who stole my giant banana," said Donkey Kong. "I
have to get that banana back. Without it, nobody cares about
what I have to say. People only listen to me because they know that
the banana understands."
"Actually, I'm the evil dude who
sto-" began Ganondorf.
"Shut up," said Donkey Kong, flicking
Ganondorf aside.
"No!" shouted Ganondorf as DK walked away.
"You can have it! I don't need it anyway! I already have enough
bananas to last me an eternity!" Ganondorf remembered that he was
immortal. "Okay…" he corrected. "Half an eternity."
"Eternity
is an infinite measure of time," pointed out Ness. "And infinity
multiplied by any positive number is still infinity."
"I put
girl toys in your toy box," said Ganondorf, ignoring Ness.
"Gasp!"
gasped Ness, gasping. "Not girl toys!" The child genius
ran around in circles, crying like a little kid. "You're so
mean!" said Ness.
"It's a side effect of being
evil."
"Wait…" said Ness. "So all evil people are
mean?"
"Deep inside, yes."
"And are they all
cruel?"
"Yes."
"And nasty?"
"Yes."
"And
powerful?"
"Yes."
"And deeply hateful of
life?"
"Yes."
"And do they cry at night holding on to
pig skeletons?"
"Yes."
"HA!" said Ness. "TAKE THAT!
I've got you saying that on tape!" He smiled. "You thought you
won, but you were wrong!" Ness ran off towards the nearest
Auto-Compromising-Audio-Publishing station.
Ganondorf watched in
shock as Ness fled. "This is horrible! If word gets out, us evil
villains will be the laughing stock of all living and dead creatures!
Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha! Wait… that's bad!"
Ganondorf performed a Spell of
Ancient Dark Mystic Dragonlord Reminder Pullback Remembrance
Forgiveness Deathly Somethingness. "PREPARE MY BATH-O-SUB!" he
commanded.
A foot-long Subhealthy bun materialized in front of
Ganondorf. Well, not so much a foot long as a leg-long. Or, if you
want to be precise, a bun in the shape of a hapless villager.
As
he munched on his evil plan perfecting pastries, Ganondorf came
across an ingenious method to stop Ness from reaching the… whatever
it was I wrote just then. "It's brilliant!" he said to himself.
"It's absolute genius-killing genius!
"I KILL NESS!" he
screamed ungrammatically (I love that words (that was a deliberating
error (that wasnt (this is just ugly)))).
Lots of evil flying…
animal… er… hamsters – evil flying hamsters went flying across
the town until they were right behind Ness, who was riding his trike
at breakneck pace.
Ness turned around. "Oh no!" he shouted.
"I'm being chased by flying hamsters!" He pressed a button on
his trike, sending missiles the size of a house flying out of the
trike and into the hamsters.
Most of the hamsters imploded, but a
few remained.
"I'm out of incomprehensibly large missiles,"
realised Ness. He pressed another button and the trike turned into a…
er… submarine. It also zapped itself… no, teleported… into the
sewage system. The hamsters followed suit.
"I'll have to throw
some beach balls at them!" shouted Ness to himself. He stuck his
head out of the window and, still underwater, threw beach balls dead
on at the hamsters. The ones who got hit stopped chasing him and
started running on the beach balls.
The last two hamsters pulled
out their beam swords and hacked through the ship.
As Ness sank to
the depths of the sewer, he took a deep breath and dived into the
sea. WTF?
He surfaced at the point where the sea met the top of
the alpine tropical subterranean mountain.
"Yoshi?" said
Yoshi, who coincidentally, happened to be sitting right where Ness
landed.
"Let's go!" shouted Ness. He threw his boomerang cap
at one hamster and watched it explode. Partially on fire, the cap
landed back on Ness' head. "Good work, cap!"
The final
hamster jumped onto Ness' neck before he could react.
It raised
its STEEL-LINED CLAWS and aimed…
…and handed Ness a note.
Ness
unfolded it and read. "I am going to kill you, signed
Ganondorf."
The hamster passed him a Pepscike coupon and
scurried off.
"Ooh," said Ness. "Pepscike. It refreshes
quickly and-"
Yoshi ran under a low bridge. He made it through,
but Ness completely collided with the sharp steel spikes.
Yoshi
leaped across a cliff and landed between Marth and Roy. He pulled out
his shotgun and killed them.
"Why did you kill me?" said
Roy.
"Yoshi." "I'm a dinosaur."
"I knew it!"
said Marth. "That's why you're green and reptilian with traces
of avian skeletal features. And it explains the 'I'm a dinosaur'
bumper sticker on your rear end."
Falco and Fox kidnapped Yoshi,
and dragged him to the airport.
Everyone was there, including
Marth and Roy, who had come back to life because of the force of
universal suffrage (the LGEO brick and I agreed).
"Well," said
Master Hand. "You're all going home."
"Now I can rescue my
dog!" said Peach.
"I thought that was your plot line,
Zelda," communicated Mewtwo.
"We struck a deal," said
Bowser.
"You're not-a Zelda," said Link.
"That's my
accent, baby!" said Mario.
"Let's all go home," said
Samus.
"Okay," said Captain Falcon.
They all went home.
The
end.
Come to think of it, that sentence isn't very obvious, is
it?
I'll try again:
THE END
Author's
note: I'd like to thank Dormant Psycho for his/her suggestions
about paragraphing. As you can see, I have decided that I needed to
make the breaks between paragraphs far more obvious, because Dormant
Psycho believed that a large block of text with no white space hurt
the eyes. And for the record, the idea for an action hero flying pig
was my idea. If Dormant Psycho uses that idea, he or she stole
the idea from me. Not vice versa. Not, of course, that there's any
reason to believe that I'd steal Dormant Psycho's innovative idea
for- I'll just stop here before I defame anybody, like that stupid
hoogiman.
Thank you all for submitting your hundreds of nice
reviews! It was very generous of you to show how much appreciation
you all felt for my story. I'm glad that you all gave so much
positive feedback and input, because it meant that I didn't have to
write the story with no support.
Please feel guilty?
"What'cha reading?" asked Mario, to Peach.
"It's
my new spork," said Peach. "You can eat jam with it!"
"Amazing,"
said Mario.
"Yes," said Peach.
"Yes," said
Mario.
"Yes," said Peach.
"Yes," said Mario.
"Yes,"
said Peach.
"Yes," said Mario.
"Yes," said
Peach.
"Yes," said Mario.
Please leave now.
Oh, and please review!
And read my other stories.
Because you feel very guilty.
IKNOWWHEREYOULIVE!
