The tall blonde man was on a mission. When he returned from the prison, it had grown dark out. He took a long, hot shower to his thoughts. The scalding water rolled off his hair and body, cleansing him. He let out a long sigh as a rarely felt feeling gave him the will to sleep for the night. That feeling was hope. Although it was only a small sliver of it, it was there in his heart nonetheless.

"I'm not going to be like you," he repeated although he couldn't hear himself over the sound of water spraying from the shower head. He stood under the stream until the water turned cold.

He went to bed early and slept through the night. When he woke up, he dressed himself quickly and sent Tom a text, informing his employer he'd be at work that day.

He met at the usual place. Tom stood there waiting, Vorona beside him. Anxiety suddenly crept up on the blonde as he remembered his first objective.

Tom grinned happily. "Glad you could come back to work, Shizuo. Feeling better?"

Shizuo nodded, but his eyes remained of the girl. She looked back at him uncomfortably.

"Hey," she said curtly.

"Hey," he grunted back.

They worked together for the rest of the day, avoiding conversation as much as possible. Shizuo found himself searching for the fur-trimmed coat in the crowd, but it never appeared. As the day came to a close, that sliver of hope was becoming smaller. Where had Izaya been all this time? Shizuo was starting to give up.

Tom sensed something between the two workers and made a point to pay them and leave early. Vorona started to walk away as well.

"Get back here."

She stopped and cursed under he breath. "Shizuo, if you're going to apologize for before, don't bother. I should have seen it coming."

"I'm apologizing anyway," he stated simply. "I shouldn't have ever said yes to you before. You and me can never have something, and that's not your fault. So I'm sorry."

Her eyes softened slightly and she looked around to make sure no one had been listening. "I don't know what's holding you back, Shizuo... But once you know what you need to do to be happier with yourself, don't give up on doing that... I'll see you at work on Monday."

She punched his shoulder playfully and smiled weakly. She turned in left. He walked in the opposite direction with his hands stuffed in his pockets, remembering what she had told him.

Thanks to her words, he kept on looking into the night.

At about 12 at night, when his eyes were sagging and his back was hunched from his efforts, he heard a familiar neigh and turned to see Celty on the road beside him.

"Yo," he greeted, turning to face her completely. She typed away on her cell phone.

What are you doing all the way in Shinjuku at this time?

Shizuo scanned the text quickly. "I'm looking for the fle- Izaya. Do you have the time to take me to his apartment?"

The empty helmet stared back at him for a moment, and he sensed his friend's confusion. She started typing once again and held it out in front of his face.

Are you going to try and kill him?

Shizuo shook his head quickly. "I really need to talk to him. Will you take me to him?"

The dullahan seemed to think for a moment and nodded slowly. The blonde felt the anxiety from before return as he mounted the back seat of her horse.

He remembered the only other time when he'd come to Izaya's apartment to pin the Slasher events on him. He remembered how close they had been to one another. He remembered the floral smell of Izaya's cologne and the lifeless look in his crimson eyes. He remembered the way Izaya turned his face away from him when they got close and how he passed it off as a usual part of his act.

Then he recognized the building in the distance and started to feel the whole search was a waste. He began to feel like he couldn't face the man. Facing his tormentor had been easier than he'd thought. Facing his victim was more terrifying than he ever could have imagined.

The motor bike came to a stop and Shizuo dismounted, his legs wobbling a little. His heart was beating quickly. His eyes were glazed over. He started to head towards the entrance and felt Celty tap him.

He looked back. Even though she had no face, he knew how she was concerned by his behavior. He knew she was expectant.

"Celty, I-" he started. His throat caught. He tried clearing it again.

She put a hand on his shoulder to coax the words out of him.

"Celty, Izaya doesn't hate me for no reason... I... I did something terrible."

Admitting it out loud made him feel even worse. The dullahan's grip tightened slightly on his shoulder. He wondered if somehow she understood, even though he hadn't told her.

"I... I don't want to be the monster of Ikebukuro," he said lowly. "That's why I have to fix it. But he can't ever forgive me, I know it."

She stood still, her hand rested on his shoulder for what seemed like ages. Slowly, she drew her hand away to type. Her fingers pressed each key slower that usual, showing she was thinking deeply about what she should say.

Even if he can never forgive you, you have to forgive yourself. I can see how this is affecting you, Shizuo. You know whatever you did was wrong and that is the first step to redeeming yourself.

He felt relief when she didn't push the subject, but the fear didn't subside. He nodded jerkily. "You're right." He backed up, urging himself even though it was his feet's turn to scream at him to stop. "Thanks... Don't wait up, I'll get home a different way."

His room number's 1498.

The black biker watched him enter the building and he sensed her wishing him luck before a loud neigh echoed through the city. She was gone.

The elevator brought him up to the highest floor, making the wait even more agonizing. He watched the numbers pass by and he felt the elevator ease to a stop. The door slid open, revealing a hallway.

He walked past each door, reading the numbers as they led him closer to the man he was looking for.

1496.

1497.

1498.

He was right in front of the door that lead to Izaya. He felt like he was about to throw up.

Why would he even let me in?

Shizuo's hope was draining fast. He raised his hand to the door and knocked so lightly with his shaky hand that even he couldn't hear it.

Even if you know he can never forgive you, you have to let him know you're sorry.

He knocked louder.

There were footsteps growing closer on the other side of the door. The knob on the door was turning.

He wanted to be forgiven so badly. More than he had expected. He felt like it wasn't just for him to feel better about himself anymore. It was so he could see Izaya smile for him once again. Like when they'd first met. So Izaya could be happy. Suddenly, he didn't give two shits about his own happiness. He wanted Izaya to be happy.

Then he started to crave an emotion he'd never craved before. He was craving to just be loved. His father didn't love him. His mother didn't care too much for him. All the years of only being loved by his brother and Vorona finally caught up to him then. He wanted to feel something other than hatred or apathy towards another person.

What am I thinking? He probably won't even forgive me, so how could he ever love me?

"What are you doing here, Shizu-chan?" Izaya's voice caught Shizuo off guard. There stood the man seeming too mortified to pull off a smirk at the moment. Shizuo swore he heard the flea's voice quiver. "What do you want?" He was demanding.