A/N Here is the next chapter. I already have chapter 8 written and ready to post, will probably post it later in the week.
Disclaimer: All credit goes to Stephanie Meyer, I don't own twilight or the Characters, I'm just borrowing them!
Chapter 7: Realisation
I woke up Tuesday morning wondering what I would have to deal with at school today. Was I going to get nice Edward or non-talking Edward? I honestly didn't get much sleep last night and I really wasn't in the mood to deal with Edward if he was going to be a pain today. I quickly got up and dressed, I briefly looked out the window to see the weather, to my horror there was a thin layer of snow on the ground. Why did I have to move to the coldest, wettest place in the whole country? I decided to wear my favourite jeans and long sleeved blue shirt and threw on a sweater over the top. I looked at the clock and ran downstairs, I was running late. I grabbed a quick breakfast, toast and juice, and headed out to my truck. The drive to school was uneventful, as it always is.
When I got to school I parked quickly and jumped out. Edward and his siblings were already there. He was standing next to his car watching me. His sister, the pixie one, was standing next to him and she too was watching me. I think I'm starting to get a bit self conscious here. I shrugged it off and made my way to my first class.
The morning went without anything interesting happening. I was too tired to actually pay a lot of attention in class. Luckily I didn't get called upon to answer any questions. I was thankful the teachers seemed to ignore me. The other students talked to me throughout the morning briefly. Eric and Angela were nice and of course there was Mike. The morning did however seem to drag. Every time I looked at the clock it seemed that it had only been a minute since the last time I looked. It was rather annoying.
At lunch I sat at a table with a large group of students, something that I was still getting use to. I was use to either sitting alone or sitting with just one or two other students. Jessica really seemed to love the attention and tried to take most of it for herself, which I really didn't care. She could have all the attention. The Cullen's were there, of course. Edward and the Pixie kept looking at me during lunch. The blonde girl, I think her name is Rosalie, seemed really pissed off and at one point she glared at me and then stormed out of the cafeteria with the big bear one, Emmett I think his name was, following her. At that point I decided to not look at their table for the rest of lunch.
I decided it was time to make a move and head to biology. I got up and threw my rubbish in the bin and made my way to class. I of course got there before Edward, for which I was grateful. I sat down and started my usual doodling on my notebook waiting for class to start. Edward came in not too long after I did.
"Hello Bella" Edward's velvety voice said.
"Hi Edward." I replied.
"How are you today? Liking the snow?" He asked with a laugh.
"Um I'm good. Not really too fussed about the snow though. How are you?"
"I'm doing ok. Can't wait for the day to be over."
At that point Mr. Angel walked in and started class. It was weird this class actually seemed to go faster than the others. It was rather frustrating. As with the other classes today I didn't really pay attention and it wasn't because I was tired. It was because I was well aware that I was sitting next to Edward Cullen and I couldn't get my mind off him. Throughout the class Edward would look at me and a few times I caught him he instantly turned to face the front of the classroom again. Well at least he is talking to me. All too soon the class was over and Edward was out of his seat and out of the classroom before I had a chance to even collect my books.
For the rest of the day I was on auto-pilot going through the motions of class. In Gym it was the usual, I tried to stay away from the ball but that didn't happen, the other team seemed to aim for me. I managed to not hurt anyone but myself this lesson which was good. I was trying to figure out Edward Cullen, analysing his behaviour today. Then I'd get annoyed with myself because I shouldn't be worried about that. I had other things to deal with first. By the time I made it to my truck at the end of the day I had decided to not think about Edward Cullen or more like try not to. I needed to deal with my own stuff before I could even deal with him or try to figure out what his issue with me is.
I made my way home. I went through my usual routine – organising dinner and starting on my homework. I could see that this is what my life would be like for me here. Looking after Charlie and homework, I have no social life, not that I want one really. I am happy by myself. Prefer it even. I am much like Charlie. When Charlie finally got home I started cooking dinner. The rest of the night went quickly and before I knew it I was in bed staring at the ceiling.
I don't know how long I stared at the ceiling before I actually fell asleep but once I did it was a bad decision. I woke up I don't know how long after I fell asleep in a sweat. I just had the most vivid dream ever. I felt like I was back there. My dreams were getting more and more real, well to me they felt real, as if it was happening again. It was somewhat scary. I don't know why I was having them. It took what felt like forever for me to actually fall back asleep.
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The rest of the week went on in the same fashion. The whole school day would drag until I got to Biology and then the one class that I wanted the time to go slow it felt like I was in class for 5 minutes before the bell would ring. Edward Cullen spoke to me every biology lesson. It was the only time he would talk to me. He would not acknowledge me outside of that class but he would stare at me during lunch in the cafeteria, as well as his sister, Alice.
I found out that Edward didn't really like to talk about himself. He would only talk about general things. He didn't really ask me in-depth questions or anything, he never really asked anything personal besides the first day he started talking to me. Every time I tried to direct the conversation to him he would either stop talking to me altogether or deflect the question back to me. I still did not know what to make of the whole situation. I mean at least he was talking to me. Ok so to be honest I don't get Edward Cullen at all. He is just in the too hard basket at the moment and I have other things to worry about, not some boy at my school who is acting weird.
So the rest of the school week was uneventful. Nothing too interesting happened. Mike continued to follow me like a lost puppy. Mike and Eric shot daggers at each other when the other was with me. Jessica was starting to get annoyed with me because Mike was paying attention to me. In Gym I was still clumsy and managed to hit the other students with the ball numerous times. They were actually starting to get annoyed with me because I was making them work harder or I was hitting them with the ball. In my defence they were all accidents.
Once Friday afternoon came I was thankful. I needed to weekend to myself. Between Edwards weird behaviour, Jessica being annoyed at me and Eric and Mike's boyish rivalry it was getting on my nerves. I was just glad for the peace and quiet.
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Saturday passed without much happening. I spent the day reading and doing homework. The weather wasn't the best and I stayed inside and of course there is only so much you can do. Charlie was at the station. I really do not know why he has a house he might as well sleep at the station.
So here it is Sunday morning and I am trying to get the energy to actually get out of bed. I figured I might as well get it over with so I jumped up and went to have a shower. I turned the shower on and got undressed. It takes forever for the water to heat up in this house, probably because it's always so freaking cold. Once the water had heated up I got in. I went through the mundane task of washing my hair. I decided to shave my legs, only to realise that I threw out my old razor. I debated about leaving it or getting out the shower to get another. I figured I could waste some time by actually doing it so I got out to get a new one. I found my bag of toiletries in the bathroom cabinet. I searched around for a new razor, before I found it I stumbled upon a blue box. I froze. Suddenly I found breathing hard. No no no no, I kept chanting in my head.
I don't know how much time passed but I managed to get up turn the shower off and make my way to my room. I found some old sweats and put them on and just sat on my bed staring at the blue box. I am wrong, I have to be wrong. I slowly stood up and made my way to my calendar on the wall. I counted the days. No it's wrong; I lost count on how many times I counted the days. Shit. I turned and slid down the wall and curled up into a ball on the floor.
I was late. I was never late. I was always on time like clockwork. Maybe there is a reason, something simple. Who was I kidding? I was hoping that I would never have to tell anyone what happened. I didn't and I still don't want anyone to know. But how can I keep this from people. I mean they are going to notice. Maybe I'm not. I mean I could just be late. I kept thinking over and over in my head the other reasons I could be late. I came up with one thing. It was the only reason really. What am I going to do? I just wow.
I moved to get my journal out. I needed to write. I felt better when I wrote. I needed to put pen to paper. To vent, to get this out of my system. I reached for the floor board and pulled it back and removed my journal. I started to write whatever came to mind.
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My life is so messed up. I have read stories and heard on the news about women that were raped and they hid it from everyone, and I always thought they were stupid for doing that. But you don't understand until you have lived through it, the thought of telling anyone about what happened, seemed completely incomprehensible. I don't want to be known as the girl that was raped. I definitely don't want anyone's pity or for them to feel sorry for me, I don't want anyone to treat me or look at me differently, but most of all, I don't want Charlie or Renee to know. I mean what happened, happened, and there wasn't anything anyone could do about that now. It had already happened. What good would it do to have people know? I already felt dirty, used and broken. What good would it have done to tell people and for them to know this? It would only make Charlie and Renee upset. I don't want anyone else to suffer because what James did. I feel guilty enough as it is. I was my fault I was stupid to not see it. Why didn't I see it?
There was no way around this now. I mean if I am and I think I am, then everyone was going to find out it is only a matter of time now. I need to find out though. To make sure. I couldn't do anything here in Forks because Charlie would no doubt find out. What am I going to do? Can I do this? What are my parents going to think? Will they hate me? I hate me so they should hate me. I was stupid, I am stupid. I shouldn't have let this happen. This can not be happening. It is bad enough that he raped me but now I could be pregnant. I hate myself but more than anything I hate James.
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I could no longer see what I was writing. My eyes were all blurry and I had tears running down my face. This could not be happening. I stared at the word raped. It is the first time I ever said it in a sense. Every time I thought about what happened I never acknowledge it. I tried to forget and not deal with it. It wasn't the best thing to do; I don't know what the best thing to do is. I just wished it never happened.
The next thing I heard was Charlie calling out. I don't know how long he had been calling out but it must have been a while because he was now knocking on my door.
"Bells, are you in there?" he asked.
I couldn't find my voice to respond. He would know that I had been crying. How long was I up here for. I turned to look at the clock and it read 6pm. Crap I had spend the whole day up here crying.
"Bella are you alright?" He asked concern and worry lacing his voice.
If he only knew how I was he probably would have a heart attack.
"Um yeah I'm fine." I said, crap my voice was hoarse from crying. I hope Charlie didn't notice or if he did he wouldn't say anything.
"You sure Bella? If you want I could order pizza for dinner?"
Ok so he must think something is up.
"Um I'm good really. Pizza would be great." I said.
I hadn't started dinner, it completely slipped my mind. Charlie must have noticed.
"Ok then. I'll be downstairs." He said and with that I heard him walk down the stairs.
I needed to pull myself together if I wanted to be able to face Charlie tonight. I didn't want him to know that something is wrong. I just I don't know anymore. I just sat on my bed staring at the wall thinking about what I am going to do. I honestly don't know. I wanted to scream, to hit something or someone. Why me? I had always thought that. Why did he have to pick me? Was I an easy target? I rolled over on my bed and I screamed into my pillow.
Eventually I calmed down enough to face Charlie when dinner arrived. We ate dinner in front of the TV, Charlie put it on something other than sports. I couldn't tell you what, I wasn't exactly paying attention. I did notice Charlie glancing at me every so often, he looked concerned. I felt bad that he was worried about me but I couldn't tell him I was fine – not to his face anyway – I don't think I could keep a straight face if I had to look at him. As soon as I could I made my way back upstairs. I couldn't stay downstairs with Charlie, if I did he probably would have worked up the courage to ask me what was wrong. I couldn't risk that. So I went upstairs to hide. I just laid on my bed numb. I was emotionally drained. This was the worst nightmare ever and I wished that I would wake up. I wished that it was a dream. I don't know what time but it was sometime in the AM that I managed to fall asleep. It wasn't a deep sleep. I tossed and turned and couldn't get to sleep properly.
