AUTHOR'S NOTE: This chapter is not intended to show disrespect towards those real-life persons who resemble this particularly horrible kind of Sue. I'm not disrespecting you. I'm just mocking you. In a nice(ish) way. I recognize that some of readers might lead the sort of life this Sue pretends to be a) cool and b) non-conformist enough to lead, and to you guys I say – I'm sorry. You all probably rock harder than I do. And if I met you in real life, I'd be scared of you. (Also, I really do love Nightmare Before Christmas. In fact, I listened to it as I wrote this.) Peace, man.

This chapter has been waiting a good long while to be posted, but my computer has been infested by spyware/adware that, for a long time, was redirecting my Internet browser to "http/ whenever I tried to use the Intarweb and then, once it realized that I just wasn't trying anymore, stopped letting my Internet connection work at all. And this was despite the fact that I have more anti-spyware programs on this computer than I probably need.

There's a small voice at the back of my mind telling me that if I'd just up and gotten Firefox, none of this would have happened.

So, in conclusion, I don't know when this will be posted. I either have to get my brother to fix it, hire an actual computer technician to fix it, or try and fix it myself (and possibly singe my eyebrows off). Sorry.

Anyway, I have a brand new story up called "Evolution of a Swashbuckler" that I'd like all of you guys to check out – it's a non-parody, so I'd like to hear what you all think of my non-parodying self.

Also, to evenstar of the undyinglands: Sure, go ahead, use Gudrun. Just hook me up with a little credit, 'kay?

Beyond that? All I have to say is: tenebrous is the coolest word ever.

DISCLAIMER: Not mine, never will be. 's far as I know.

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The Happy Medium

By: Peacenik

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There was something written on the wall of Vila Borcka's apartment.

It was in very nice handwriting, quite neat and tidy with little block letters. Vila took a moment to admire the handwriting before reading the actual words. Her own handwriting was messy and scrawly and hard to read, nothing like this precise, tidy sort of lettering.

Then she went on to read the words:

"Life is totally consuming me,

Let the darkness take its share.

Sorrow and blood plod through the sea

Like a slow mistreated mare."

"The hell?" Vila would have said, if she had been able to speak. Gudrun came through the door and stopped short, examining the writing with interest.

"Something like this happened at my school, once, you know," was all she said, before skipping off to do whatever it was Gudrun did when nobody was paying attention. Vila continued to stare at the words. There was a cough in the back of her mind.

Apologies, Miss Borcka, but I did think it best if you knew what you were getting into.

"What am I getting into?" Vila asked faintly.

The voice sounded surprised. This was written by our – your – next assignment, Miss Borcka. Pleasant, isn't it?

"She's…" Vila stared at the words some more, their strangely invasive darkness slowly pervading her mind. "Oh, please, no."

I am sorry, said the voice, not sounding sorry in the least. It should be interesting, however, should it not? Call your assistant, this will be good experience for her.

"For her to do what?" Vila grumbled, but called for Gudrun anyway. The younger Medium came skipping in from the living room.

"Have we got another assignment, then?" she asked brightly. "I thought I heard the voice's voice in here."

Vila stared at her for a moment, trying to figure out exactly how that worked, but forgot about it as she felt herself being dragged into the fandomverse, and the familiar motion sickness set in.

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Leila Adriana Tenebrous applied her black lipstick liberally, eyeing herself in the mirror with some satisfaction as she did so. Her long black hair with red, purple, and green highlights hung to her waist, her soulful but cold dark eyes were outlined in more black eyeliner than was probably healthy, and her smooth skin was as white as paper.

Her outfit, of course, had come entirely from Hot Topic. It was all black, with an abundance of buckles and spikes and leather, and she looked good in it. Leila smirked at herself in the mirror. Her parents had been horrified when she had started listening to Evanescence and Marilyn Manson, not to mention dressing like someone who listened to Evanescence and Marilyn Manson, but Leila had recognized it for what it truly was – an awakening. She wasn't made to be one of those girls who dressed in all pink and listened to Hilary Duff and swooned over Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp.

Well, maybe…Leila looked around furtively before pulling a picture of Orlando Bloom from her back pocket and kissing it. Maybe that last one wasn't so true. But she certainly didn't listen to Hilary Duff, and she was never going to wear pink. Ever. It was her enemy.

If only she knew how many teen girls said that and thought it meant something.

"Leila!" screeched her stupid blonde mother, and Leila shoved her picture of Orlando back into her pocket as her mother came bustling into her room, sniffing with disgust at the posters of vampires and zombies on her walls. "Leila, your stepfather and I are going shopping."

"You're always shopping," Leila drawled, admiring her black fingernails. "There is way more to life than shopping, you know."

"Is there?" Leila's mother turned a blank stare on her. "Well, anyway, that's where we're going. Goodbye." And she left.

Leila waited until she heard the car pull out of the driveway before pulling out her journal and clicking open a ballpoint pen. She waited a moment for the familiar inspiration to strike her.

"I am deep and lost forever,

My pain will not end ever.

Just leave me alone

You blonde-helmeted crone."

Sitting back, she admired her work. Poe himself couldn't do better, she thought. Not that Leila would know, because she'd never actually read any of Edgar Allen Poe's works, but she figured that she wouldn't find anything half as good as that if she happened to have to read some Poe for school someday. Or something.

Flinging her journal aside, she sat down at her computer and pulled up one of her many Pirates of the Caribbean screenshots. It was her favorite one, of Johnny and Orlando standing next to each other (or, to be more exact, Jack Sparrow and Will Turner standing next to each other, but whatever), and she sighed as she gazed at both the gorgeous faces. Then she pulled her journal out again and began scribbling.

"Oh why can't I see you,

You are so far away.

The darkness is beneath you,

I'm going to get you someday."

A bit stalker-ish, Leila decided in a rare moment of clarity, but still goo- what was that?

That happened to be the inevitable snapping of the proverbial ropes and ties, made up of Canon, that held the Pirates of the Caribbean world together, but Leila was unaware of that small fact. All she heard was a thud, and then there was blackness.

She awoke, still clutching her journal, in a different world entirely.

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Vila and Gudrun had landed a few minutes before the Sue, and Gudrun had had to pull Vila out of the way as Leila came hurtling out of the sky and landed on her back. Now the two Mediums were standing over her, heads cocked to one side as they examined their target.

She was an alarming-looking creature – certainly very pretty, as they all were, but dressed in more spikes and buckles and general paraphernalia than was probably necessary. Vila noted her Nightmare Before Christmas sweatshirt with a sinking feeling in her stomach. Of course. This Sue was one of those Sues, those ones she only heard about from the voice sometimes when it was in a good mood to mock other worlds and their Sue problems, particularly those of the Lord of the Rings fandom…

"She looks, you know, dangerous," Gudrun declared, interrupting Vila's thoughts. Vila cleared her throat.

"At least she doesn't look like the sort of person Will would be interested in," she said out loud. "Or Jack, or Norrington."

"Jack, you know, he might," Gudrun said thoughtfully. "He always ends up with the, you know, bizarre ones, doesn't he?"

They're all bizarre, the voice interjected.

"And how would you know about who Jack always ends up with?" Vila said to Gudrun, somewhat heatedly. "You've only done this twice now. This is my eighth chapter. Mission." She paused, confused.

Gudrun started to reply, but then Leila stirred. Both Mediums backed away reflexively as she sat up, shaking her head.

"Where the hell am I?" she screamed with the voice of a headbanger, and leapt to her feet. She was, in fact, on the empty deck of the Black Pearl, which was sailing towards Port Royal and making very good time of it, at that. But, of course, Leila didn't know this.

A few pirates emerged from the foggy, mysterious, rarely-touched-upon-in-Suefic area known as 'belowdecks.' "Who are you, Miss?" one of them asked in surprisingly good English.

Leila stared at him. "Leila Tenebrous," she said. "Where the beeping hell am I? What is this, some kind of re-enactment group?"

"They always say that," Vila whispered to Gudrun, both of them hiding behind the staircase that led to the helm. "They always think it's a re-enactment group."

"Not a whatever-you-said, Miss Tenebrous," the pirate said pleasantly. "You're aboard the Black Pearl, and we should be in Port Royal in maybe a day or two – "

"The beeping what? I'm aboard the beeping what?" Leila screamed, stomping her feet and making the chains on her trousers rattle. "This doesn't make sense! This is fictional! You know, like, like…" She struggled for words. "Like, a story!"

"This isn't a story, Miss Tenebrous," another pirate joined in. All of them were still huddling near the doorway that led belowdecks, none of them wanting to get too close to her and her spikes. Leila glared at them all.

"Get me off this beeping ship," she said.

"No can do, lass," came the distinctively sexy, luscious, alluring, provocative…ahem. Came the voice of Captain Jack Sparrow. The man emerged shortly after the voice, swaying a bit and stopping short when he saw Leila.

It was amazing, the transformation that came over him. His eyes took on a glazed sort of look, he swayed more exaggeratedly, and most of his brain began melting (although that part of the transformation wasn't as visible as the rest of it). Obviously, Jack's puddle of brain slurred, this girl was no one to be trifled with.

"Oh, my God," the girl said. "You're Johnny Depp, aren't you? Oh, my God. And you probably expect me to be all, like, all over you, don't you?" She rolled her eyes and turned away.

"I'm afraid I don't know this 'Johnny Depp' friend of yers," said Jack. "But perhaps ye can tell me about him over rum in me cabin? Savvy?" he added reflexively. "An' I wouldn't mind if ye were all over me, lass," he continued, winking.

"Not everyone thinks you're so hot," Leila snapped, but obviously she wasn't one of the ones who didn't think that. Or something. In any event, she made her way over to the door of the cabin, smirking as the crew scuttled fearfully out of her way.

The Mediums exchanged glances. Vila's teeth were gritted; Gudrun looked fairly nonplussed (for Gudrun, that is).

As Leila disappeared belowdecks with the captain, the crew shook themselves out of their Sue-induced fear and began doing normal pirate things, like sailing the ship and swabbing the deck. Obviously, this Sue wasn't powerful enough to keep them all under her spell indefinitely; but she was still annoying.

"We'd better follow her," Vila said, dragging Gudrun out from under the helm. None of the busy pirates noticed the two half-invisible girls creeping across the deck towards the captain's cabin.

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Inside the cabin, Leila was slouching in typical Angsty Teenager Fashion™ in one of Jack's chairs, while the captain himself slumped on the bed and looked alluring.

"So you're from another world, lass?" he said, taking a gulp of rum.

"No," Leila said, rolling her eyes. "Another time, dude."

Jack nodded, surveying her. "An', if ye don't mind me askin', what's with all the black an'…chains…an' such that ye wear?"

"Well, I'm a Goth," Leila said, looking surprised. "What, would you rather have me wearing…ugh…little pink frilly dresses?"
"I'm certain ye'd look good in whatever ye chose to wear, lass," Jack assured her, grinning lasciviously. Leila rolled her eyes again.

"Look, when are we going to be in Port Royal?" she said, obviously not having listened to the pirate who had answered that question for her about ten minutes ago.

"Ah, within a day 'r two, lass. Ye're that impatient ta be off me ship?" Jack said, leaning forward.

"Yes," Leila snapped. "It's kind of, like, an ugly ship. I thought it would be scarier. It'd be so much cooler if it were scarier." Her eyes gleamed with a strange and alarming light.

For some reason, Jack didn't take offense at this blasphemy, but seemed anxious for the girl's good opinion. "Well, we've only just got it back from Barbossa," he said hastily.

"And anyway, once I'm in Port Royal I can figure out a way home, right?" said Leila. "This is, like, so boring. I haven't got my music or…wait!" She dug suddenly in the pocket of her pants, emerging triumphantly with a Discman. "And, dude! I still have my Evanescence CD!" She immediately put the headphones on over her ears and turned the Discman on, singing out loud. Jack stared at her, completely flummoxed.

"Wake me up inside! Wake me up inside! Call my name and save me from the dark!" Leila sang shrilly. Jack stood and backed away.

"I'll just get back to mannin' the helm, then," he said, as Leila continued to ignore him. And he beat a hasty retreat for the door, the words to her song following him out onto the deck.

"Bid my blood to run before I come undone! Save me from the nothing I've become!" Leila shrieked. Pressed against the cabin window, both Mediums winced.

"At least the last one, you know, had a good voice," Gudrun murmured.

"At least the last one sang decent music," Vila replied quietly. They looked at each other.

"We can't Canonize her until she actually disrupts the Canon," Vila said with some amount of disappointment. "And she hasn't done that yet."

Gudrun said something under her breath that sounded like "Discman, you know" and turned away from the window in something very much resembling disgust. Inside the cabin, Leila continued to sing, if it could really be called singing.

Time passed in this way, with Leila screeching out the lyrics to several Evanescence songs and, when Jack returned to his cabin for a fortifying shot of rum, chattering with obviously fake sullenness about vampires, blood, death, hell, and Satan, in that order. Where real Jack would have left the cabin immediately and called for someone to tie the girl down, however, this Jack sat and listened in wonderment.

'ow did such a beautiful, young lass get so jaded? he wondered in a stupid and contrived manner. 'ow does such a pretty girl know so much about such dark things

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Outside the cabin, the Mediums had managed to find bits of rag with which to plug their ears, which was all right as long as they didn't think too hard about where the rag had probably been (this was a pirate ship, after all), and were dozing easily. Night came and went, and they awoke the next morning with Port Royal in view.

Leila came out of the cabin and stood at the rail. "It's so bright," she complained. "I'd like it better if it were nighttime again. Then those stupid rocks wouldn't be shining like that. It hurts my beeping eyes."

"My apologies, lass, but we got 'ere as fast as we could," Jack said politely, coming to stand beside her.

"Whatever," Leila said with a flip of her hand. "You remember what I said about vampires, though? I'm like one of them. I like the night better. Isn't that weird?" she added with relish.

The Mediums, safely half-visible, exchanged glances of mingled annoyance and horror.

The Pearl put into Port Royal without too much bother, although it did seem a bit strange that none of the ubiquitous Naval officers seemed to notice the large dark pirate ship docking in their midst. Leila stood uselessly by the whole time, occasionally saying things like "I had so better be able to get home from here" and "God, this place better not be as boring as it seemed in the movie" and "I so wish I had my Marilyn Manson CD right now." At this point, it became clear that even Lovestruck!Jack wasn't paying attention to her, having captainy things to do, and she took sulky refuge in her Evanescence again.

"God, that took forever!" Leila said when they were finally able to step onto the dock. "Seriously, I listened to 'My Immortal' like eight times in the time that took."

"I am sorry, Miss Leila," Jack said with an air of smarminess, helping her off the ship. "I suppose ye'd like to go see the Turners now?"

"Duh," Leila said, rolling her eyes. "I'm so hoping they can help me find a way to leave this stupid time period. I'm running out of beeping eyeliner."

"Ye can use some of me kohl, lass," Jack said hopefully, wrapping a companionable arm around Leila's deathly (but attractively) pale shoulders.

The Mediums followed carefully as the pair made their way along the streets of Port Royal, drawing some odd stares. It was no surprise; Leila was a completely anachronistic Faux-Goth, whereas Jack…was Jack.

"There's the governor's mansion, lass," Jack said after a time, motioning at the mansion on the hill. It looked rather more Gothic, and by that I mean the style of architecture, than it did in the movie. Leila brightened considerably.

"Thanks for helping me," she said with unexpected sweetness, turning to Jack and giving him a hug. "Seriously, I'm totally going to miss you. That'd be so cool if you lived in my time period."

"I'm sure it would, lass," Jack said, trying (and failing) not to show how much the hug had affected him. They continued on their way and, from the snatches of conversation the Mediums were able to pick up while staying at a safe distance, it seemed that Leila was now relating the entire plot of an Anne Rice novel to Jack.

"I can just, you know, smell the romance," Gudrun said breezily. Vila eyed her warily, unable to tell if she was being facetious or not, then decided it didn't really matter as it was just Gudrun anyway.

In any event, they soon reached the doors of the mansion. Jack knocked, grinning broadly as several gardeners who had happened to be puttering nearby ran screaming around the corner of the house as they caught sight of Leila. Leila laughed evilly.

The door was opened by a butler, but soon usurped by Elizabeth, who fairly leapt out of the house and into Jack's arms. "Jack, it's so good to see you!" she squealed, hugging him tightly. "We've missed you so much!" Leila rolled her eyes visibly.

"What's she got to be annoyed about?" Vila grumbled. "She's the one who made Elizabeth this way." But Gudrun didn't answer, merely pulled her forward as Elizabeth dragged Jack into the house.

Inside was far more frilly and pretty than anyone remembered it. "I like what you've done with the place," Jack said with obvious sarcasm, not seeming to mind that his syntax had just managed to outlive him by a few centuries. Leila rolled her eyes again.

"Ugh, it's pink," she groaned. "I hate pink. Seriously, you have no idea. Pink and flowers and stuff? It all makes me puke. It's so stupid. That's why I painted my room black. And that's why I wear all black. It's, like, a statement, you know? My lifestyle is a statement. I may be young, but I am, like, so sick of it all," she finished, looking particularly proud of those last few lines.

There was silence for a moment, in which Jack gazed at Leila adoringly. Then, "Who are you?" Elizabeth demanded, a look of disgust on her face.

"Leila Adriana Tenebrous," Leila snapped, and Elizabeth leapt back, looking disgruntled and a bit frightened. "And don't talk to me like that!" she added, suddenly sounding whiny.

"Aye, Mrs. Turner, don't ye talk to her like that!" Jack echoed. Elizabeth stared at them both in contrived fear.

"I'm here because this is so not my time period, and I need to find a way home," Leila said suddenly, launching into exposition without warning. "Like, I'm from the 20th century, right? Or 21st, whatever. Anyway, so yesterday I just woke up on the deck of the Black Pearl, and all of these stupid pirates were around looking like they were going to rape me."

Vila, safely hidden in a dark corner, made a movement rather like she was going to leap for Leila's throat. Gudrun pulled her back just in time.

"But then I woke up and totally kicked all their stupid pirate asses, so they're all afraid of me now. Anyway," Leila continued, flipping her long multi-colored hair in a dangerously Mean Girls-esque manner, "so Jack and I talked for a long time," she looked fondly at Jack, "and I thought it might be best if we, like, came here to find you and Will, because maybe you'd be able to help us think of a way for me to get home, right? And, seriously, where is Will?" she asked suddenly.

"He's upstairs," Elizabeth said faintly. Fortunately, there weren't enough words in the sentence for her speech to be obnoxiousified with italics.

"Oh, good. Anyway, you're going to help me get home. I hate this time period – there's no decent music, and everyone's so happy all the time. I gave up on happiness years ago," she went on moodily. "It's all so pointless. We're all just going to die anyway. That's why I don't bother trying to make myself look pretty and catch a husband the way you do. I've come to realize that none of it, like, means anything." She looked smugly between Jack and Elizabeth, the former of whom was staring at her with masked love and agreement in his eyes and the latter of whom was looking ashamed and horrified.

"Well, Miss Tenebrous, I suppose we'd better have a servant show you upstairs to your room," Elizabeth said after a few minutes. "It's getting dark, you know. Unless you have other lodgings?" she asked hopefully.

"Are you stupid?" Leila snapped. "Like Jack Sparrow can just walk into an inn and book a room? Seriously."

"He was certainly parading through the streets with you easily enough," Vila muttered.

"Aye, Mrs. Turner, I think marriage may have dulled your brain," Jack laughed, as a servant appeared to escort him and Leila up the winding staircase. Elizabeth flushed hotly and went off to do whatever it was Canon characters did when they weren't being manipulated by Sues.

Gudrun and Vila waited for the sound of footsteps to cease before climbing the stairs after Jack and Leila. "She's really, you know, irritating," Gudrun remarked, not seeming to notice the irony in this statement.

"I think she's trying to be subtle," Vila said, looking in the direction Elizabeth had gone. "What with that hug Elizabeth gave Jack, and Will being absent, and Elizabeth blushing when Jack spoke to her? I think she's trying to make Elizabeth into something jealous."

"And she keeps, you know, saying all the wrong things," Gudrun went on. "I don't know why Jack likes her."
"He doesn't," Vila said quietly as they reached the hallway of the second floor. They could hear Leila a few doors down, having the requisite argument with the servants over her choice of dress. "Not really. Or he shouldn't, anyway, as she's a Sue. But you'd better go watch him, anyway," she added over her shoulder as she headed down the hall in front of Gudrun. "I'll keep an eye on Leila."

The door to Leila's room was ajar, and Vila slipped in easily and hid herself in the wardrobe as the maids went squirreling out, weeping softly and holding Leila's grungy, chain-decorated clothes away from them at arms' length. The Sue was standing at the open window, gazing bleakly out over the Caribbean night, a beautiful lacy nightgown (of the sort Will and Elizabeth would never be able to afford) billowing softly around her dark and lovely form, an expression of disgust on her face. "I thought I couldn't ever, like, feel this way," she said to the empty (as far as she knew) room. "I'm not supposed to have, like, feelings! And yet…I think I love him." She sighed melodramatically. "Just when I thought I was, like, totally jaded, I have to fall in love. Plus he's not even from my time period! It isn't fair."

But it was, apparently, inspiring. Leila threw herself onto her bed and pulled her notebook and pencil out of her backpack.

"I wish these words were written in blood,

I wouldn't want to drown myself in mud.

I love you, I love you, why must I love you?

Was it not bad enough I had a crush on you?

Why do you torment me this way?

When will I be able to finally say,

I've beaten this love, I've killed it off,

Because I know you're going to laugh and scoff."

She sat back, staring at her words. "Whoa. Dark," she said after a moment, and then "I mean, that's dark even for me." She grinned like Jack Skellington on acid. "I am getting so good!"

And, reveling in her own brilliance, she rolled over and went immediately to sleep.

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Down the hall, Jack was pacing back and forth, muttering to himself. Gudrun entered silently and hid herself in the shadows.

"Such a beautiful lass," Jack said with self-loathing. "And so intelligent! I swear, she understands more of the world than I ever will. How foolish and…pointless my life was 'fore she came along! I'd give up me ship for her!" He stopped abruptly, a frown on his face. "I'm a bloody pirate! I don't fall in love!"

"Yes, you know, remember that," Gudrun breathed as encouragement, but fortunately (or unfortunately) Jack didn't hear her.

"Ah, well," he said finally to himself, flopping onto the bed. "Best sleep on it, eh mate?" And he dropped immediately off to sleep.

Gudrun watched for a time, until it became apparent that nothing else was going to happen that night, at which point she left again to find Vila.

The hallway was dark and quiet, the only noise being the murmur of the servants finishing their chores downstairs as well as some interesting sounds coming from what Gudrun assumed to be Will and Elizabeth's room. Sounds like snoring. Those kinds of sounds.

"Gudrun!" a voice hissed suddenly, and Gudrun felt rather than saw Vila slip out of the room and come stand before her. "Gudrun, she's fallen in love with him. Though she's trying to pretend to be in denial."

"Yes, and he's fallen in love with her as well, you know," Gudrun said with remorse. "I couldn't stop him."

Vila ran a hand through her hair with irritation. "We weren't supposed to be able to stop them," she said ruefully. "But does making Jack fall in love count as disruptive?" Because what's to say Jack hasn't fallen in love before? her inner Sue added slyly.

"He said he'd, you know, give up his ship for her," Gudrun mentioned with forced casualness. Vila stared at her.

"For her? She's one of the most annoying, poorly-done Sues we've ever – never mind." Vila couldn't keep a small grin from sliding over her face. "I suppose that means she's ruined Canon, doesn't it? Jack would never give up his ship, especially not for a girl."

But he hasn't given up his ship, her inner Sue said quietly. He's only said he would.

"So we can, you know, get rid of her now?" Gudrun said in a whisper that was, fortunately, loud enough to drown out Vila's inner Sue but quiet enough to keep from waking anyone.

"I suppose we could, but – "

Before either of them could say anything else, daybreak was upon them and servants were bustling around the hallways. The Mediums ducked quickly back into Leila's room, throwing themselves onto the wardrobe and having a hurried, silent scuffle as both attempted to make themselves at least somewhat comfortable amid the clothes. Scarcely a second later, a maid came charging into the room behind them.

"Miss Tenebrous, you need to wake and dress!" she trilled, throwing the covers off of the (disgustingly shapely) form on the bed. Leila groaned and put a hand over her eyes.

"God, it's so freakin' bright here! I hate sunlight!" The last three words were screamed. The maid looked at her in horror as she moved towards the wardrobe.

Towards the wardrobe…

"Vila, she's, you know, going to find us," Gudrun breathed, pushing her body as far back into the wardrobe as it would go.

"You need to learn to act more like a lady, Miss Tenebrous," the maid said, wrapping her fingers around the handle. Vila tried to hide, but found that Gudrun had taken up all the space in the back of the wardrobe.

"Good teamwork, Gudrun," she muttered under her breath and, to her surprise, felt a foot connect sharply with her ankle.

"And what would you like to wear this morning, Miss Tenebrous?" the maid asked docilely.

"Nothing pink," Leila said predictably, as the maid threw open the wardrobe.

"Well," the maid said, examining the gowns carefully and finally selecting a dark emerald one that would compliment the streaks in Leila's hair, "this is one of Mrs. Turner's old dresses, and I'm sure it won't take long for us to alter it to your size. You're a good deal more slender than she ever was, you know," she added cattily, shutting the wardrobe and leaving the two Mediums, one of whom was plainly visible, openmouthed with disbelief. "And we'll have to put your hair up, as well, we're having the Commodore for breakfast this morning–"

Despite her amazement, Vila could not help letting out an almost inaudible snort at that last sentence. Obviously, this author had never learned about the importance of proper phrasing.

" – and you'll want to look nice for him, won't you?" the maid continued kindly, holding the dress up to Leila's body and eyeing it critically. "This will look most beautiful, if we can just pull the waist in a bit smaller. I'll doubt you even need a corset," she beamed, hurrying out of the room. Leila watched her go with a sour frown on her face.

"Lass?" a voice said softly from the door, and Jack crept in quietly. "I've got to hurry before that maid comes back, but – oh, Miss Leila, ye look beautiful."

He was not wrong, which was what made it so annoying.

"Thanks," Leila said, looking (and sounding) oddly vulnerable. "You'd better, like, go back to your ship or something, they're having the Commodore for breakfast."

Vila snickered again in spite of herself.

"All right," Jack said tenderly. He took a deep breath. "I'm gonna miss ye, lass. Ye've taught me so much about life, and death, and everythin' in between—"

"Oh, Jack," Leila said, her eyes suddenly brimming with tears. "I'm going to miss you too. Thank you so much for bringing me here, it was, like, the greatest adventure of my life!"

"And love," Jack finished. "Ye've taught me about love." He tok another deep breath. "I love ye, Leila Adriana Tenebrous."

"And I love you, Captain Jack Sparrow," Leila said honestly. Jack grinned and took her in his arms –

"Excuse me."

The odd couple turned to find Vila stepping down from the wardrobe, with all the dignity of one who has been hiding among heavy dresses for the last ten minutes.

"You can't love each other, you know," Gudrun said conversationally, stepping out of the wardrobe after Vila. "It just doesn't, you know, work. You," she pointed at Jack, "aren't supposed to love anyone."

"I love Leila," Jack said with uncharacteristic defensiveness. Behind him, Leila's eyes narrowed.

"You are not getting me without a fight," she said fiercely. Vila pulled the bottle of Canon out of her pocket.

"There's two of us and one of you and you're not even supposed to exist," she said calmly, although her heartbeat had picked up and her hands were shaking slightly. Experienced Medium she may be, but Vila still hated fighting with the Sues. They always had Sooper Speshul Powers ™.

"I don't care," Leila said, as it was doubtful whether or not she actually listened to what Vila had said. "I'm going to win."

She lunged suddenly, pushing Vila backwards. Jack let out a shout and threw himself forward to protect his would-be lover as Vila fought back, though Vila's fighting was mostly defensive as Leila was apparently trying to pull out her hair. The bottle of Canon was sent flying and Gudrun, ducking out of the way of the battle, leapt after it.

"What is going on!" Elizabeth screamed from the doorway. "Who are they?" She pointed an anachronistically-well-manicured nail at the Mediums.

"They're seriously trying to kill me!" Leila shrieked, clawing at Vila's face. Vila ducked and headbutted Leila in the stomach. The Sue let out an "oof" and fell backwards onto the bed.

"You stay away from her!" Jack yelled, pushing himself between the Sue and the Medium. "You stay…away…" His voice trailed off and he suddenly looked very confused.

"What are you doing here, Jack?" Elizabeth said in a quiet, bewildered voice. Vila, still breathing hard, looked around Jack's body to the bed.

Leila had picked herself up and was fingering a red spot on her scalp. Something was oozing down her face that looked like see-through blood, but Vila suddenly realized that it must be the Canon.

And, indeed, Gudrun was standing on the other side of the bed, holding the empty bottle upside down over Leila's head and looking proud of herself.

"I just, you know, thought I ought to help," she said modestly.

"You did," Vila said faintly.

Jack vanished suddenly, and Elizabeth was gone from the door. The Sue on the bed melted slowly into a normal, if rather skinny, teenager in jeans and a black tank top.

"Oh, no, not you again," she muttered, running a hand through her green-tipped hair and looking miserable.

"Yes, me, sorry." Vila was hard-pressed to be sympathetic, particularly when she could feel scratches from the Sue's nails along her arms, and when her hair felt as though it had been pulled out in several places. "We've met before?"

"Dude, yes, you wrecked my friend's story," the girl said as she began to fade. "I'm IheartNorrie3095. Dallas, remember?"

"Ah. Yes. Dallas." Vila surveyed her. "You were a Punk last time I saw you."

"It didn't really suit me," IheartNorrie3095 said, almost gone now.

"I know," Vila answered, feeling the fandomverse clutch her around the waist.

"Goth doesn't suit you either, you know," Gudrun called as the two Mediums were pulled back the way they came.

--------

You need to be more careful next time, Misses Borcka and Quenby. That maid almost saw you, the voice said, sounding harried.

"Not me, I hid," Gudrun said proudly, and Vila found herself having to actively resist the urge to stick out her tongue.

I shouldn't have had to use invisibility, the voice went on, as though Gudrun hadn't spoken. You should know

"We do know," Vila cut in. "It was just a mistake, but look, we won, didn't we?" She suddenly realized that she'd interrupted the voice. "Sorry," she said quietly.

Not at all, Miss Borcka. The voice sounded surprised. I suppose I do have a tendency to be rather a perfectionist. It paused. That does not, however, negate the fact that in the future, perfection – or as close as you humans can come to it – is what is required of my Mediums, now that you have proven yourselves equal to the task. Is that understood?

"Yes," Vila said, then added "Sir."

I am glad to hear it, Miss Borcka, because you have had your run of elementary Sues, and I believe you are about to meet your match.

Vila's heart clenched a little at these words. It was true, the last few Sues had been painfully easy – had the voice been saving the best for last? Was this – and oh, dear, it hurt to think it – was this next mission meant to be the final test, the one that would very probably finish her off?

Gudrun, however, gave a broad smile. "Begging your pardon, but I don't, you know, think we have a match."

There was silence for a moment, and then the voice, amazingly, gave a slight chuckle.

Perhaps you do not, Miss Quenby. Perhaps you do not.