Love Endures All Things: Chapter 8 Decisions
A/N: Thank you for the reviews! This one got We get some good progression in this chapter but next chapter things really start to happen!
Quote: "There's no wrong time to make the right decision." Dalton McGuinty
- Huddy -
"Okay, mommy!" He heard from the guest room.
A toothy mournful grin passed his lips. She really was adorable and boy could she lie. His thoughts drifted to preparing her for that preschool interview. But he shoved them away. He couldn't let himself think of the partnership he and Rachel could've had. That time was over. Maybe before the infarction, before he was so hardened before he was in his 50's, he wouldn't have been beyond help. After all his therapy, he still couldn't hold on to a real relationship and was left with barely manageable pain.
"They left, you can come out." She said opening the door to the guest room.
He exited with purpose, wincing at the daylight the windows let in. "Good, because I've got to piss."
She rolled her eyes. He used the restroom, got dressed, and they set off to get his car.
In the car, she glanced over at him gently. "Have you spoken with Dr. Nolan about any of this?"
"Yeah, before I called the intern to pick me up last night, I had a good long conversation with the shrink." he sneered.
Her gentleness fell away to gloom. "You stopped going...haven't you...?"
"What difference does it make now?"
"You deserve to be happy, Greg."
What could be said after that? These heart-to-heart talks always made him uncomfortable and he was stuck in a car. It's not that he thought he didn't deserve it, at least he wouldn't admit that to himself, but that he couldn't be happy. It just wasn't in the cards for him.
"How have the appointments gone so far? Who are you seeing?" He requested cautiously, avoiding eye contact.
Her brow furrowed and she answered contemplatively "Dr. Kubisak, has been very positive about everything."
"Dr. Kubisak? He's a joke."
"I want to be treated at my hospital and he's the best we have. But you weren't around for me to ask, were you? " She bit back, impatiently.
"Yeah, but you didn't tell me you were pregnant did you?" He seethed. His eyes boring into her.
Silence followed. She might not have told him but it's not like he had deserved to be there.
"Greg?" He looked at her. "If everything works out with this pregnancy, know...I won't shut you out of our child's life, as long as you're clean."
He nodded solemnly and gazed out the window.
"Have you thought any more about this? I mean actually thought about it."
It was simple to him. "There's nothing to think about."
"There's everything to think about! Do you want to be with me, House?"
"Well, I sure couldn't walk across town to my car." He joked
"I'm serious."
He raised his eyebrows "So am I! I don't even have my cane."
"Fine, have it your way...but we're having this discussion before this baby is born. If it's born." she finished in barely a whisper.
He didn't dare say it out loud but thought, if I have anything to do with it, it will be. Not because he wanted the baby, of course, but for Cuddy. But did he want it? Where was this drive to monitor the fetus coming from? Was it from the basic biological drive to care for one's offspring, his love of Cuddy or was it another reason?
"Have you been getting a babysitter on weekend?"
"No, but it's only for an hour or so." She doesn't get much time with Rachel and hates being away from her but she had to protect her.
"Why'd you take me in last night?"
"I love you...and you needed me." She admitted quietly keeping her eyes on the road.
"Thank you." He mumbled with his eyes cast away.
"House...just promise me one thing."
"What?"
"Please go back to Dr. Nolan and speak about this with him. I don't want you to look back and regret not using all your resources to make this decision." She pleaded.
"Yeah...I can do that."
All she was asking was for him to make a fully informed decision. She really wanted him to choose. She didn't want to trap him in this.
They arrived at the hotel, he got out and she drove off. That drive could have been much worse...there was much less screaming than he expected. He had a couple of phone calls to make when he got back home.
- Huddy -
Wilson answered the phone curiously. "House?"
"You bastard!"
"What did I do now? Not tell you about the new double D nurse in surgery?"
"Cuddy's pregnant and you knew it!"
"What? She is?" Wilson exclaimed, now pacing. He was legitimately surprised.
"Oh quit the act, you knew it. That's why you asked if I had talked to her!" House accused as he paced his apartment.
"Well, I thought maybe...but...wow! I figured you knew. It would be yours...and you're the diagnostician!" Wilson ran his hand through his hair.
"I thought I was. She's nearly through her first trimester and she had to tell me." He paused and sighed "She's seeing Dr. Kubisak. Can you believe that? What's wrong with me? Do you know how many women I tell they are pregnant without a test and they don't even know?"
"You saw what you wanted to see."
"That's what she said. But really that's what she said when she told me."
They shot comments back and forth flawlessly like experienced tennis players.
"What I don't understand is...you know how this kind of thing happens. You didn't protect against it?"
"Well, she's a responsible independent woman...I thought she had it handled..."
"No, you notice everything." He accused, pacing the room again and pointing his finger at the air. "You noticed when I was on anti-depressants. You practically lived with her and you didn't once think to check for birth-control? I don't buy it."
"You think I wanted this?" House asked earnestly verging on angry.
"I think you did. Deep down you wanted to make a baby with her..." Wilson insisted.
"No, damn it!" and he hung up.
Why was he being so emotional? Wilson can't be right. He didn't want to be father...never has. He knew better than to hope for that. When she was going through IVF, he could have given her a child, passed on his genes, and not be held responsible for raising the cretin. He didn't ask then...he didn't offer then.
- Huddy -
He spent the remainder of the weekend getting clean again: hydrating, resting, and eating some real food. The piano helped to relieve much of the built pressure. His bender was long enough and proved not helpful. As always it just delayed the issue instead of solving any part of it. Although it usually did delay the issue just long enough that the initial shock wore off.
He came in Monday to his team working on a new case. Goff served him a cup of coffee. Instead of rejecting the coffee, he took it...almost gratefully. This caught the attention of the team. It was only a small action but enough to raise suspicion but not enough to interrogate House about quite yet.
The team deliberated about the current case. It was nothing too urgent at the moment but some serious symptoms were developing. House seemed different than he was last week. Something had happened and Goff seemed to know about it.
On the way to their respective tasks, Chase spoke up. "Goff, what happened?"
"What do you mean?" She asked innocently as the fellows followed her down the hall.
"Something's different. He was almost civil with you." Taub clarified
Goff shrugged and let out a smile. "I couldn't tell you."
Chase's eyebrows rose, "So something did happen!"
"I didn't say that." She kept walking, looking forward.
Taub hurried his pace, "But you do know something!"
"He hasn't told me anything."
"You know I've heard the nurses talking and they're saying that Cuddy is pregnant." Taub informed them. "Do you know anything about that?"
"Nope" She was a little taken off guard by the news.
It's not something she had thought of. Cuddy broke up with House probably knowing that she was pregnant...possibly because she was pregnant. That explains a lot of his stress lately. But this was just talk or least it might be. This was too serious to just assume it was true. She wouldn't say anything about it until it was confirmed.
- Huddy -
In the clinic, House got the file of a 12-year-old male complaining of muscle cramps. When he stepped into the room he saw a man in a freshly laundered suit. It was several seasons out of fashion and obviously not tailored. He was a man who had worked tirelessly to reach this point in his career. One who pulled himself out of the gutter with his own loafer straps. The son was dressed in practical clothing, not stylish but professional, meant to impress the adults around him. He sported a freshly pressed button-up shirt and khaki slacks with a smart non-athletic sneaker.
"What seems to be the problem?" House inquired.
Of course, the chart indicated the kid's complaint but he knew there was more to be said than what was in the chart.
"Samuel has been having muscle cramps, it's keeping him up at night, affecting his studies."
"Ah, we wouldn't want that, would we? What do you want to be when you grow up?" He asked doing the usual checks.
"He wants to be an orthopedic surgeon." The dad answered proudly with his hand on his son's shoulder.
The boy feigned a smile but his eyes told the whole story. They were dull and distant. The boy's shoulders were slumped, not because of lack of posture discipline but something else.
"I'm sorry but you seem to be in your 30s, I thought the patient was 12." He shot back, turning to look at the kid, as he checked the kid's blood pressure.
"Um...I...I...I do want to be an orthopedic surgeon." the kid assured shyly
"No, you don't. Only med-students who are mediocre and/or greedy choose orthopedic surgery. Kids your age want to be pro athletes, engineers, or play video games professionally. What do you do for fun?"
"What does any of this have to do with his muscle cramps." The father inquired impatiently.
"Can't know until I get an answer."
"Well...I'm on the quiz bowl and debate team." The kid offered tentatively.
"You sound like you really enjoy those." he said sarcastically. "What do you do for fun?"
The kid shrugged "I don't know...I study a lot."
"So no fun? Do you drink much milk, eat store bought white sandwich bread, yogurt, or cereals?"
"No, we're low carb and he's lactose intolerant." The dad informed
"Ah...well, I don't guess anyone has ever taught you the value of fun with that particular diet. He's vitamin-D deficient. He needs to go outside and play in the sun. Give the boy a soccer ball and quit the quiz bowl team. In the meantime time, take some vitamin D supplements."
"If he wants to a Doctor, he has to study. You do want to be a Doctor right?" He looked at his son.
The son was apprehensive and the dad knew he had other things on his mind.
"You didn't get where you wanted in life so you are projecting it onto your son. Pushing him as you push yourself, sacrificing fun for success. Without fun, you can't enjoy your success." And he left the room.
- Huddy -
Late that day, the halls were quiet, and Goff approached him.
"Oh good, you want to talk." House snarled from his desk.
"You don't have to say anything, but I want to say something."
He held up a hand to stop her. "Look, I don't need a lecture."
"When have I lectured you before. Think of this as some encouragement."
This piqued his interest some. Although if she thought that he respected her opinion enough for this speech to be life changing then she was mistaken. His self-deprecating thoughts were well ingrained and it would take much more than a 20 something-year-olds nice words to wash that away.
"You are a terrible person."
"Well I feel very uplifted now, thanks." he lowered his head to get back to his work.
"but so is everybody else. We all do terrible things, that's why we have to forgive each other."
"Yes, it's all the same. My cold misanthropic actions measure up equally to that of Mother Theresa." He quipped sardonically
"No, but being overcome by temptation, choosing the wrong action and then continuing to bury yourself in it, is the same. We all do that. But you'd have Cuddy to help with your deficiencies. I've heard many horror stories about you. I'll not attempt to discern truth from fiction but I could bet from experience that some are true. You aren't the easiest employee so I'm sure she had endured a lot just keeping you employed here. I know she loves you and you seem to love her. Love endures, she can endure any of your failed efforts and you can endure trying."
He rolled his eyes. "People only love themselves."
"That could be argued, but it should be noted that they shouldn't. The world is better if we love one another. It makes things a little more bearable. Sometimes people even do things that aren't purely terrible. Even you, as I've heard."
"Moi?" he asked with his hand on his chest.
"You care about your patients, you surprised Cuddy with her med-school desk, you nearly killed yourself to find out who was dying in that bus wreck, then nearly did it again because Wilson asked you to."
"My patients are just puzzles."
"I don't believe that. I did my research on you, I have heard how thoughtful you can be." she grinned mischievously.
"I'll have to remedy that with some cold-blooded murder." House threatened
Goff scoffed and rolled her eyes. "You have a barrier up the size of the great wall of China but you're not protecting yourself from the Mongols."
"Dang...I thought the metaphorical wall would keep out the hordes."
Goff smiled. "You're keeping out anyone who might love you: Dr. Cuddy, Dr. Wilson, and your fellows. I don't expect to be let in, but there's more behind that callus facade then you want people to believe. And people know it, I've seen enough evidence for it. The testimonies from nurse Brenda, the respect from your fellows, Wilson's dedication, Cuddy's actions last night, and that beautiful little girl the other day in the cafeteria."
The slightest micro-expression of avoidance came from House's face at the mention of Rachel. "She probably just thought I was her grandpa."
"No, it was Cuddy's daughter. She knew you and she loves you. But that's it isn't it, why you've been punishing yourself?"
"Punishing myself? Nah, I just love getting hammered." He added sarcastically.
"She wants you to be a father figure and so you're proving why you think you shouldn't be."
House stared her straight in the eye. "Yes, because everything else isn't evidencing enough."
She rolled her eyes. "Cuddy knows you and has for years. She's strong and she loves you. Show some vulnerability and she could help. You're safe with her. How many stupid or overbearing parents have you seen in the clinic? You are neither and you love the little girl. That's all you need."
"You saying stupid people can't raise children?" He challenged
"No, I'm saying stupid people can raise a kid just fine. You have an advantage, you're not an idiot...at least intellectually."
"Don't quit your day job for motivational speaking."
"Glad you think I'm better at my day job!" She winked, stealing that comment as a compliment. "You feel like you can't do it but as it turns out facts don't care about your feelings. The fact is that you can do it, with a little help."
"You have some spine on you girl." He bit
She smiled confidently, "Thank you." Then turned to leave. When she made it to the door she spun around an added "By the way, you owe me $800." and she left.
She should hate me and still thinks I would make a good father. Truth was that she understood what it felt like to be him, even if just a little. To be confident in one aspect of life, take every failure too hard, and despising herself in every other aspect. Fortunately feeling one way about yourself doesn't mean it's the truth and she knew that. Sometimes it's not so easy to sort that out.
Cuddy had always been there for him. She hired him after being fired, for good reason, from 4 other hospitals. She put her job on the line to save his. She gave up one hundred million dollars to keep him there. Her forgiveness seems to be endless for him. She perjured herself in court. He has said some of the most horrible things to her. It's something he didn't want to see again...her tears caused by his heartless words or actions.
Love endures, after nearly 25 years she still loved him. She compared all her other prospects to him and none of them have measured up. He had Stacy for a few short years but that had fallen apart. He had changed since their relationship and there had never been that passion that he has with Cuddy. In school it was passionate they were young and wild. It changed some but the fiery passion was still there. Did she really love him? Would that be enough?
He did show up for her during her cancer scare. He had relapsed to do it but maybe next time he wouldn't have to. Even showing up high was better than he would have done years before. Could things really get better...could he get better?
- Huddy -
"I was surprised when you called." Dr. Nolan admitted from behind the desk.
"Yeah, well I've been busy lately."
"Tell me what's been going on." He asked leaning back in his chair, interlacing his fingers and resting his ankle on his knee.
"Cuddy broke up with me. The day after our last session."
A deep expression of concern hit Nolan's face. "Really? I'm sorry to hear that. Did she give a reason?"
House sighed and explained the events of the last few weeks, omitting the pregnancy.
"Are you against being a father to Rachel."
"You think someone like me could raise a child?"
"It doesn't matter what I think, what do you think?"
"I'm a drug addict, crippled, bitter, and old enough to be her grandfather. That's what everyone wants in a father."
"What does a child need to grow up happy and healthy?"
"Ooo, I know this! A mommy and daddy that love them."he mocked.
"You joke but it's true. Plenty of kids grow up well adjusted with just a mother. But statistics show there is something to be said for having a loving father in your life."
"I love her mother, but not her."
But was that true? It tore him up when she hugged him in the caf, and he couldn't help but smile when he heard her from the guest room. It was too much to admit that he loved Rachel as much as he does.
"You say that but you avoided my office trying to deny that fact that you do love her. But you're here now, that means you're rethinking it."
"A moment of idiocy."
"What is love?"Dr. Nolan leaned forward.
"A chemical reaction..."
"No, not the feeling."
He leaned back and rubbed his leg. "My intern would say that it's being annoyingly forgiving and sacrificial."
"Well, sound's like she onto something. Children need to be taught how to be an adult, yet still allowed to be a child. They need someone to teach them, someone to comfort them."
"I'm more abrasive than comforting."
"Are you telling me in all your years of practice that you've never comforted a child successfully?"
House shook his head, letting out a breath. "It's not the same."
"It is the same. A child is scared or hurt and you encourage them that things might get better or that they can handle it."
It was a long session, as House knew it would be, a lot had happened since his last visit. Most of it bad...but that was to be expected.
"I didn't have the best example of a father growing up."
They had spoken about his father some in the past. "Does that worry you that it may affect your ability to be a father?"
"No...yes. They don't say 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree' for nothing."
"Why did your father say he did the things he did?"
"To toughen me up, to teach me a lesson..." He drifted off.
Nolan approached this very delicately. "You know not to repeat the things he did. You know it was wrong and you don't want to pass on that pain to anyone else. Statistics say that it is highly unlikely that you would continue that line of abuse."
House just nodded, looking down at the carpet and spinning his cane in his hands.
"What do you want?"
"I want to be happy. I'm happy with her but I don't know if I can do the kid thing."He answered honestly.
"Why not try?"
"She said I'm out of the kid's life until I decide to be her father."House was at the end of his rope.
"We've talked about a lot today. I want you to talk to her about how you're feeling. In the meantime take some of these."Nolan handed him a bottle of pills.
"Ativan? We've talked about this before. I don't have anxiety."
"Your heart is racing and your breathing has increased, you've been self-medicating with alcohol, you have anxiety. I'm gonna give you a prescription. You're going to have some tough conversations in the next few days. Instead of letting the anxiety keep you from having them, take one of these."
"Fine."House took the bottle and stared at it in his hand.
- Huddy -
In the car after the session his mind was flooded of his recent clinic patients: the young kid with the pierced penis, the smoking parents, and the overbearing dad. All of them were idiots but raising kids. He might not be the most comforting man on earth or at all really. He was smart enough to find a way to manage it. If he did decide to be a part of it, he would have Cuddy to tempter him.
Two kids, a man and a woman living in a quiet little neighborhood. Was that him? Is this truly who he wanted to be? He'd been a lonely bachelor for over 3 decades now. Could he let go of that freedom? What will happen when he screws up because he will...everybody does. Will he be off on his butt again? If he was thrown out again...could he handle it?
"I was right. It's better to stay out of the way." He spoke to himself in the empty car. If he wanted to see the fetus after it's born, then he could. Maybe that distance would protect the kid from too much pain. He started the car and drove back to his apartment.
- Huddy -
"Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right." Phil McGraw
