Choices

Running across the sands, Tarrie found herself drawing deeply on the steadfast strength of her bond with Porth. Her mind felt like it had been battered by the sheer weight of Chereth's emotions, and even now that the gold queen had stopped broadcasting to all who could hear, the numb silence created by its absence was even worse. The distance between the Hold and this beach was of no consequence. As always, Porth was simply there in Tarrie's mind: a contrast, a reflection, the perfect complement to all that was best about Tarrie herself. Until today, Tarrie would have said the same was true of all her wingmates, but now... now Tarrie could no longer be fully certain.

The sight before her provided no assurances. Chereth lay slumped morosely across the churned sand, with her wedge-shaped head cradled in Alianne's arms. The gold dragon's strained wings were still awkwardly outstretched, twitching restlessly as she tried in vain to find a position free of discomfort. True, it was a relief that Chereth didn't seem too badly injured, but all Porth could sense from the other queen were nested layers of confusion, pain, and concern for Alianne. Certainly, Chereth had no time for Porth's intrusive appeals, not with her rider in so much distress. Even from half a beach away, Tarrie could see that the other rider was very shaken, understandably so!

Polenth and David were yet another source of worry. Clearly torn between concern for his new mate and his rider, the bronze dragon looked equally forlorn as he paced uneasily to and fro beside Chereth; the graceless draconic gait made all the more ungainly by the bronze dragon's indecision.

Oh Porth, he looks so confused.

He is. I will tell him to return to his rider, who needs him more.

The bronze dragon twisted his neck to cast his slowly whirling gaze on Tarrie for a few moments, and she waited patiently to see how he would act.

Polenth says we must make things right again.

Tarrie nodded, and watched the pale, brawny bronze give Chereth one last wistful glance before he turned to make his way back to Dave. Not a problem solved, perhaps, but at least it meant one less thing to deal with right now. Which just left Alianne, and Chereth. Taking a deep breath, Tarrie took the last few steps that separated her from the pair. She was so uncertain of what to say, how to begin, that it seemed easier by far to concentrate on Chereth's condition first. Tarrie could almost hear Sean's mantra: the dragon always comes first. After over a year fighting Thread in the air, it was now a deeply ingrained habit which was well worth sticking to.

"How is she?'' she asked, seeing no better way to begin.

The other woman abruptly looked up and stared her coldly in the eyes, her dark face carefully held in an expressionless mask. The woman was trying so hard to keep things bottled up, but there was no mistaking the moisture in her eyes or the undercurrents of raw emotion in her voice. Hardly surprising, after what had happened.

"She's hurting, Tarrie, but she knows it won't last. She'll be fine, with a bit of time and numbweed.'' Alianne choked the last sentence out, and closed her eyes.

Porth?

Chereth does hurt, but mostly because her rider hurts, and she doesn't understand why. She is very confused! I do not understand either. Her rider has mated before, has she not?

It's... complicated. But one thing was sure, Alianne herself needed considerably more than just time and numbweed.

It wasn't all that cold, but Tarrie realised that Alianne was shivering in the breeze as she tried to comfort Chereth. She could be going into shock, for all Tarrie knew. Shrugging her way out of her heavy jacket, Tarrie crouched down to sit on the sand beside Alianne.

"Here,'' she said, handing the coat over. "Sorka'll be here soon, and she'll take fine care of Chereth.''

"Thanks.''

Alianne drew back from the unwelcome contact, and pulled the garment over her bare arms. Just watching was enough to twist Tarrie up inside; as much as she wanted to reach out and comfort Alianne, she didn't know if she could, or should. For all that they'd had some warning of what might take place when their dragons mated, Tarrie herself had barely had a chance to assimilate what the possible consequences could be, and even now she still needed more answers.

Alianne would have faced the reality almost totally unprepared.

How traumatised was she by what had happened? And what of Chereth? After all of Wind Blossom's warnings, Tarrie was desperately worried that the closeness between dragon and rider might have been affected in some way. But as Alianne turned her back on Tarrie, to return her attentions to her dragon, maybe there was less to worry about on that score? Though there was almost a sense of desperation in Alianne's manner, in the way she caressed Chereth's eye ridges. What was she thinking? Did she blame the men for what had happened, and could any of them ever work together again?

Tarrie looked behind her, in search of Sorka. Good. She was on her way. "What about you, Alianne? Everything happened so suddenly. Are you alright?'' Tarrie asked.

The silence stretched out awkwardly, until Alianne let out a deep sigh. She hugged her knees in towards her chest, and started speaking with what little control she could muster.

"Am I alright? What do you think, Tarrie? What are you expecting me to do about it? Scream? Cry? Start hitting things like a kid with a tantrum?''

"I don't expect anything, Alianne. Honestly, I simply wouldn't know where to start. We're here for you, for whatever you need.'' Tarrie left the list unspoken, voice thick with caring concern.

Alianne grunted. "I know. For me, for Chereth. Don't worry about deciding which of us matters most, because there's not much distinction any more.'' Bitter words, bitterly said. "Easy there, Chereth,'' she added soothingly, as her dragon jerked her head upwards with a start. Alianne leaned in close to caress the queen's headknobs again, and Chereth nuzzled her gently in reply.

Tarrie suspected that the dragon was well aware of Alianne's need for comfort, even if she didn't really understand her rider's distress. If the bond of trust between dragon and rider had been somewhat strained, at least it still seemed to be intact. But although it could give Alianne the support she needed, the woman still needed to face what had happened somehow, rather than just avoid it completely. Hopefully Sorka would have a better idea of what to do now that she was here.

"I've asked Tenneth and Nora to bring some medical supplies over,'' Sorka said calmly as she looked over the gold dragon. "We'll have Chereth's pains eased in no time. Faranth says the left wing hurts most. Is that right, Alianne?''

Alianne laughed, almost in disbelief. "You'll ease her pain? I am her pain, don't you understand?'' she whimpered.

Tarrie reached out to wrap Alianne in her arms. "It's okay, Alianne. You're upset, hurt, and she doesn't understand it, does she? I don't know if I'll do much better, but Alianne, I really need to try. We're all here for you.''
Had she gone too far, pushed too hard, too soon? Was Alianne ready to talk? Was it even the right thing to do? Tarrie verbally backed off, and let her arms drop to her sides. "But if you're...''

"Don't you dare treat me like a rape victim, Tarrie!''

"Ali, I...''

Confused, Tarrie was momentarily stunned by the woman's outburst, even as Chereth surged to her feet with a bellow, looming protectively over her rider.

Porth!

Sorka was at Tarrie's side within seconds, all the weight of Faranth's authority behind her. There were tears in her eyes as she knelt down beside Alianne.

"Alianne, dear, we won't do anything you don't want. But we can't do nothing, we can't leave you like this. Chereth just needs to know you'll be alright; she cares so much for you.''

"She's the only thing that matters to me...'' Alianne whispered. "I'd do anything for her, she knows that. She wants to be happy, for me to feel as good as her, and I can't. And she can still feel me hurting, and it's not her fault!''

Of course. Suddenly, all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. Alianne had so much emotion bottled up, all of it revolving around the gold dragon: the source of her distress and her only hope of healing, and the one being who needed to be protected from this painful burden if at all possible. It didn't matter that Alianne was close to breaking point, or that Chereth was the prime cause of Alianne's distress. For Alianne to place any blame on her dragon was simply unconscionable. Chereth had only done what came naturally, after all. So whatever Alianne was feeling about what had happened, however much she'd been unwittingly caught up in events, the woman had to find some way of coming to terms with it that didn't war with her bond with Chereth. Tarrie looked up at Sorka, hoping that the other rider had understood.

"I know,'' Sorka said softly. "It's no-one's fault.''

Alianne shot her a challenging glare, and brushed a tear off her cheek with the heel of her palm. "Of course it's no-one's fault. You'd have done the same, both of you.''

"Ali, you didn't have a choice,'' Tarrie said.

"Didn't I? I've never been so close to her before, and I've never felt further away. She was so strong, so alien, so... her.''
Alianne stopped to look lovingly up at her dragon, and burst into tears. "Oh love, I'm so sorry, I came so close to letting you down.''

"Everything'll be okay,'' Tarrie said soothingly. "Look, Tenneth's here, with Nora.''

Alianne lifted her head, and tried to smile. "Chereth's glad. She says I can stop worrying about her now. She says I should talk to you, if I can't talk to her.''

Sorka gravely took hold of her hand. "They know us better than we think, sometimes. I'll be back soon, and we'll have Chereth better in no time. Tarrie'll stay here with you for now.''

Faranth says Sorka says you're doing well, and you should keep helping her, Porth said, her comforting strength a welcome reassurance in Tarrie's mind.

That's good to know. Listen in, and keep them informed, Tarrie suggested, the rapid mental exchange taking barely a moment. She nodded in reply to Sorka's words. "We've been so worried for you, Alianne, especially after everything Wind Blossom and Bay told Sorka.''

"They didn't know the half of it.''

"No?''

Alianne sighed. "I would never have chosen this. Ever. And that's why I had to, to make it my choice, to protect her and everyone else. But I wouldn't change what happened, either. I've never felt more amazing, more alive. And if that were all it was, just the sex, it wouldn't matter, even if it was the be... I mean, it's not like David and I are emotionally involved at all, not in the slightest. It was Chereth's emotions I shared, and that's what made it so... different.''

From the sounds of things, Alianne had a lot of doubts to work out, but had she really enjoyed it? No wonder the woman was feeling so confused!
"So, you're not... hurt, are you?''

Alianne shook her head. "Nothing unusual. Just a bit, no, very shaken up. Of course, Samuel won't like it one bit, and he'll probably still try and cripple David if he gets the chance - hey, I'll try it myself if he comes anywhere near me again - but we could deal with that.'' She paused, and stared off into space. "I'm probably not making much sense, am I, rambling on like this?''

Tarrie smiled encouragingly. "You're doing better than I would, believe me. And don't worry about Dave. Leave that to Sean and Sorka.''

Seeing Nora and Sorka returning, Alianne spoke up to give them instructions. "It's the secondary dorsal muscle that's hurting her most. Can you start there please, and she'll tell Faranth and Tenneth what to see to next.'' She watched as Sorka nodded her agreement and gestured for Nora to place the bucket of numbweed beside the aching dragon. Happy that Sorka had Chereth's care in hand, she turned her attention back to Tarrie.

"Ever since she hatched, Chereth's always come first, however much I've pretended otherwise. Sam was okay at the start, when she was just a hatchling, but we seem to spend so little time together these days, and I keep letting him down. He wants a family, and so do I, but it's not easy doing what we do.'' She covered her eyes with her hands, a let out a smothered sob.

Tarrie reached out to stroke Alianne's dark hair, to let her know she cared. "Alianne, you don't need to tell me all this if you don't want to.''

The other woman took a ragged breath. "That's just it. I do need to tell you, one of you. You're a dragon rider too, and I can't think of anyone else who'd understand, and I have to get this off my chest. I've just been fighting this losing battle for so long, ever since the move north. I can't live two lives anymore, always putting a brave face on things, no matter how much I want to.''

Tarrie was stunned. "Alianne, I had no idea. You've seemed so happy together; I've envied you so much for that.''

"But it can't work anymore! There'll never be a time when I can put his needs first, and if we had a family, what then? Look at Sorka's boy. He's been raised more by Mairi than anyone else. I keep trying to find an answer, some way to make things work, but Sam deserves better. I love him so much. I don't want it to be over, but Chereth can already feel his resentment, and I can't do anything to make things right again. Oh Tarrie, how I've tried!''

"Oh come here,'' Tarrie said, holding Alianne close as the other rider finally allowed her tears to break loose. Yes, this seemed to be the root of things. Once Impression had been made, there was no going back, no denying the dragon that had become the sole focus of your life. In that, none of the riders had a choice. Oh, there were hardships and regrets, and constant danger, but your dragon made everything worthwhile, wondrously so. But never easy, no, never that.

"We'll figure something out, all of us will,'' Tarrie said. She hated herself for sounding so upbeat, so reassuring. Alianne's life would probably never be the same again.


Sorry it took so long to get this chapter posted, but hopefully you'll enjoy it anyway. It may be subject to a bit of tweaking and minor revision over the next few days, as I don't think it's quite spot-on yet. Plus there were all those typos and formatting errors that eminempern kindly pointed out to me! The good news is that I have chapters 9/10/11 almost finished as well.

Anyway, please consider reviewing it if you can spare a moment or two. For every reviewer of this story, I have roughly 75 readers who don't say a word, and I'd love to know what some of them think of this!