Annoying Snape
The List:
Dear Hermione,
If you follow this list to the dime you will win. Believe us when we tell you that you will succeed. No one can resist when a girl does some of these things. Now the first half is ways to annoy him and the second half is ways to seduce him/annoy him.
Love,
Gred and Forge.
The List:
1. Bat your eye lashes at him for hours.
2. Stare at him as if in awe.
3. Knit him things.
4. Have Dobby send him cheese platters spelling out, "Snape Rocks my Socks!" to his room every night until he speaks to you about it.
5. Keep a Good-Behavior Chart. Award him gold stars whenever he is fair, and big red X's whenever he is unfair. Hand them into him weekly. Then discuss what he could do to get more gold stars.
6. Suggest he take up yoga to relieve all that pent up anger.
7. Suggest a meeting with his right hand.
8. Tell him to stop repressing his anger. Buy him a stress ball and draw Harry's glasses on them. Tell him to give a good squeeze instead of a detention.
9. Write a potions theme song. Begin to sing it every time you enter the room. Make sure you get people to sing along with you.
10. Give him a teddy bear. Cry when he throws it away.
11. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.
12. Cuddle him.
13. In detention, bring a book and tell him that he must simply read it. Make sure it's something crazy. I.e., Cinderella, The Ugly Duckling, etc.
14. Try and psychoanalyze him during a detention. Tell him that he is mildly depressed.
15. Tell him you see so many similarities between himself and Harry that it's almost as if they were related. Did he and Lily ever…you know? When he gets angry or flustered ask him if he's a virgin. Smile and say that it's ok and waiting thirty-seven years is a sure fire way to woo a woman.
16. Give him a plant. Cry when he neglects it and it dies.
17. Call him Sevvie-poo.
18. If angered, and he happens to come up to only you, (make sure you whisper so only HE can hear! Very important!) tell him that if he still feels tense after class you can help him unwind…raise eyebrows suggestively.
19. After every instruction give him a small salute.
20. When walking by him, mutter, "My, my. Aren't we looking menacing today!" Then cluck your tongue or wave a finger disapprovingly.
21. After a meal walk up to him and tell him that he has something on his cheek. Lick your finger and wipe it off. Then, pinch his cheek and walk away matter-of-factly.
22. Smile during class.
23. Encourage him to think happy thoughts.
24. Make him write a journal. Get really angry when he doesn't comply.
25. Tell him that the whole, "Hey look I'm a scary teacher who used to kill people but turned good but still scare the shit out of students" bit is getting pretty old. Suggest he take up a hobby. Suggest really un-Snape like things. Such as, knitting, ceramics, Quidditch, gardening.
Annoying Snape:
Using The List
I glanced at the list and gave a wild giggle. Although I didn't really look at the seduction list, I was saving that as plan P, I really like the annoying part. Hehe. I am ready to put my plan into action. From now on I will document my success by detentions and class periods. Only then will I know if I win…
Detention 1:
I walked into the detention firm and ready. Snape was still reading when I stalked in. He looked up, rolled his eyes, and went back to reading. Smug bastard.
"Snape?" I asked cautiously. No way in a fiery hell was I going to get yelled at unless needed.
"Yes Miss Granger? What on earth could I possibly help you with now?" Snape asked sarcastically.
"I bought you something," I said reaching into my cloak.
"Oh tissues? Have you been talking to Harry and hearing all the horrible things to happen during my childhood, only to throw them back into my face now?" Snape bellowed. I stood still.
"N-no. It's a fichus," I said my bottom lip quivering. I have never been yelled at that like that.
"Well I don't want it," Snape snapped almost immediately.
"Alright," I said feeling myself begin to cry. Snape looked up at me horrified.
"Oh for the love of Merlin give me the fucking plant," Snape said looking upset. He grabbed it from me and slammed it down on his desk so hard some of the soil spilled out of it. I gasped looking upset and told him to apologize.
"You have lost your mind if you think I am going to apologize to a plant-," Snape started in a furious whisper.
" At least introduce yourself you rude biddy! His name is Hoover and he lives in a fairly warm climate of seventy-two degrees. If it gets too hot he will die and I will be vewy, vewy sad! Hoover, this is Severus Snape. Grumpiest man alive. You two will get along like kindling into a fire. Or peanut butter and jelly. Or moose and squirrel," I explained almost giggling as Snape looked angry again.
"Sit down, shut up, don't speak," Snape said pointing to a seat in the far corner. I only nodded and went into my seat. "Arrange my cupboards," Snape said without looking up.
"Have you ever thought of yoga?" I called from the closet.
"Miss Granger I meant NO speaking. Shut up," Snape roared. I kept quiet. I was going to have to wait until he calmed down and then bring it up again.
Three minutes later I walked out of the cupboard. Nothing was out of place really. Another example of what an anal retentive bastard Snape is. Well not all the time. Sometimes he loosens up and let's me give him a blow job. But I really don't see that happening anymore.
"DONE," I sang in a loud off key voice. He looked up annoyed and aggravated.
"Fine sit down then," he said angrily.
I saluted him and got a very sour look. Ok that's it for tonight. I don't want to use everything on him. This isn't a one hour program. This took like weeks to plan and I already broke over a hundred rules. Plus I'm sleepy. I want some sleep.
I felt a sharp poke in my head. I growled and saw a quill poking me in the head. There wasn't anyone in the room. I was guessing it was later.
HOLY MACARONI BATMAN! It's two-thirty in the morning! I need to get into my dorm. What as ass. He didn't even wake me up. For all he knows I died.
I scrambled into bed and fell fast asleep. Little did I know I would wake up with a shocking discovery.
Annoying Snape
He gets his revenge…AGAIN! (folds arms angrily and pouts)
When I woke up, my entire dorm was empty, I hand gotten dressed, and I missed breakfast. I was going to be late to class! I am not late. I'll probably be early with everything. My period has already started coming earlier.
Speaking of periods, last week me and Ginny were walking down the hall and Malfoy threw tampons at me. I just smiled and picked them up.
Ginny said, "Why do you do that? Just tell them off! Make them stop or something. You are the most clever witch at Hogwarts! Surely there's something you can do!"
I merely smiled at her. "I told Malfoy I moved my period, this way I don't even have to buy tampons or use the school ones. Wicked cheap. For an entire week I get them thrown at me. There the nice ones too! I am honestly getting the better deal…," I said patting her arm.
So I'm running through the halls ducking as Malfoy aims one for my head. He looks at me and bursts into laughter. That man is so fucking weird. Not even like Dumbledore weird. The other not so nice weird. Creepy weird.
I just rolled my eyes and ducked into Potions. I slid into my seat just as the bell rang.
"Whew," I said smiling at Ron and Harry who were staring at my forehead. They were biting back laughs.
"Wha-?" Ron began but was laughing too hard to speak.
"What? Malfoy did the same thing! What's wrong?" I demanded worriedly.
Harry just pointed at my head and giggled again. Just as I was about to yell again Snape entered. He took a look at my face and almost snorted. I swear. The entire class took an actual step, or lean, back.
"Miss Granger I would suggest you go to a restroom and wipe off your face," Snape said. He didn't sound angry, however very pleased. I hesitated then hopped up and quickly ran from the room. My hand was firmly clamped over my forehead as I rushed to the nearest bathroom.
Once inside I ran to a mirror and stood frozen. There dancing, DANCING, on my forehead was a large house elf. A drawing of a house-elf. It was green and dancing all over my forehead. I saw a tiny scrawl and leaned in. 'That's what you get,' was written in an all too familiar scrawl. I stood rooted to the spot before letting out a loud piercing scream. I yelled all my frustration away and stamped on the ground.
I can not believe Snape put this on my face! He knew I wouldn't realize it before class. That's why he didn't wake me up!
The house-elf did what looked like the Macarena as I furiously tried to scrub it off. This is not happening. It's not coming off. Suddenly another little message was being written on my head.
'Haha!' it read. I stared at it for a moment before screaming again. This time even louder and more violent. I tried my wand and managed to make it fade away. Then I scrubbed for about thirty minutes, until I got down to my eighth layer of skin, and managed to get the drawing to be gone.
I was furious! He humiliated me! I never did anything this bad!
Well the stakes have just gone up considerably higher. So high in fact you need a ladder just to catch a glimpse at the top. That high. I am so not holding back anymore.
I slipped back into class and sat next to Harry and Ron. They were still giggling so I accidentally/on purpose knocked their heads together. Very common mishap. They let outs yelps of pain and stooped laughing immediately. Snape just gave me one very pointed smirk and turned his back on me. Everyone was still muttering and whispering about it by the time the bell rang.
