14 May 2011 – 10:15pm
Jack stood with his back to the metal, hands shoved in his pockets. He looked down at the face beside him, cold and still, and sighed. His breath was shaky, but he knew he had to do this.
"I'm not even sure where to begin," he told Ianto. "I'm not really in the habit of talking to the dead. At least, not face to face."
It wasn't as if he were expecting an answer, but the silence of Cold Storage stretched around him like a blanket. Seeing Ianto like that – laying out on a cold slab – slammed everything home inside him.
"You probably already know this, but you're back. Well, not you, of course, but…an alternate you. And this Ianto is seeking asylum here. He lost his Earth, and everything he had, so he came here looking for a place to live.
"He's a good guy, this other you. He's hot, too. Looks great in a suit," he joked, cracking a smile. It faded as he gazed upon the gentle features of his deceased lover. "And he likes me. See, he lost his Jack. Everyone at Torchwood. Everyone he's ever known, actually."
Jack moved slightly closer, placing a hand on Ianto's chest. It was motionless, cold, and he pulled his hand back.
"The thing is, Ianto…the reason I'm here…" he hesitated, swallowing and taking a deep breath. He could do this. "I had to let you know something I never told you while you were alive. I…I love you, Ianto. I should have told you sooner. Hell, I should have at least said it when you told me you loved me. But I…I was a coward, Yan. Plain and simple. I was a coward."
Jack felt tears slide from the corners of his eyes. He knelt by Ianto's side, knees protesting at the contact with the hard ground. He trailed his knuckles over Ianto's cold cheek, leaning over to brush a soft kiss to his mouth.
"I love you. So much that it hurts, Ianto. It's an ache deep down in my heart and soul that I can't escape. And I'm not sure I want to. I did. I won't lie to you. For the longest time I denied it to myself, not wanting to admit how much I loved you. I was protecting you, and me, too. I figured if I didn't tell you, and didn't let myself admit it, this wouldn't hurt so much. 'This' being the eventual outcome."
His tears ran freely now and he didn't bother to wipe them away. They dropped to his shirt and soaked in, forgotten. Too focused was he on pouring out his emotions the way he knew he should have done when he'd had the chance. When his Ianto had been alive.
"But it didn't matter, Ianto. It didn't. Because no matter how much I tried to pretend I didn't love you, I did. And no matter how much I thought pretending would help ease my pain at losing you, it wouldn't. Couldn't. Never could, Ianto. I miss you every day. And I think about you all the time.
"You're always right here," he said, touching his chest above his heart. He then touched his head. "And here. Always. And the thing is, Yan, I don't want you to think that's ever going to change. Wherever, or whenever, you are, Ianto Jones, I'm going to love you. You're going to be a part of me. We're…a fixed point, you and I."
Jack nuzzled his face against Ianto's, ignoring the cold. He stroked Ianto's hair, letting it slip through his fingers.
"We're a universal constant. At least, according to two realities, now. And I'm pretty sure that others would be the same. There's no way there's a reality where I'm idiotic enough not to at least try to get into your…well…never mind that." He smiled again, biting his lip. "But the point is, no matter what, Ianto Jones belongs with Jack Harkness."
Jack took a couple long breaths. He knew he had to do this. He had to make sure his Ianto understood.
"This other Ianto…he doesn't have his Jack anymore. He's…lost. I don't want him to be lost, Ianto. And I don't want him to leave. There's more at stake than just you and me. There's the rest of the team, too. I think they really love having Ianto Jones around again. They miss you, Ianto. They miss you like you wouldn't believe. And Owen thinks I don't know it, but I've seen him come down here to talk to you. He sneaks back up when he thinks no one is watching, but he's always wiping a tear or two away. And Gwen, she talks about you all the time. Ianto said this, Ianto did that.
"Tosh is the worst, though, Ianto. She keeps a journal. Did you know that? She keeps a journal and sometimes she forgets to put it away. And it's always after she's written about missing you, or thinking about something you and she used to talk about. I'm not sure if she gets so upset she forgets to put it away, or if she's leaving it out so that I'll read it. Either way, I do. And it reminds me how close the two of you are. Were."
Jack took a moment to wipe his face, the tears so heavy he was seeing Ianto through a blur. He dried his hand on his trousers before touching Ianto's face again, this time tracing his cheekbone lovingly with his thumb.
"But having this other Ianto here, just for a little over twenty-four hours, I've seen the change in them. Gwen's eyes have that shine again. You remember, right? That shine that made me want to bring her onto the team in the first place? And Owen, he's already showing signs of the old bastard he used to be. I think he's most excited about the prospect of something other than Gwen's coffee, between you and me. And Tosh, Ianto…she shot me a look earlier that said she was going to go home and sob her eyes out. I think if Ianto had been ok with it she'd have smothered him in kisses."
He closed his eyes for a second or two, seeing the other man's face behind his eyelids. First, smiling and hopeful as it had been over dinner the night before, and then crestfallen and rejected, as he'd left him just hours before. His heart clenched and Jack let out a sob.
"Oh Ianto, I wish you could see how much I miss you. How much I've been missing you for so long." Jack's finger moved over the bridge of the man's nose, down along the delicate upward curve and then off. He loved that nose. "But I have a chance now, Yan. I have a chance to right a wrong. To put Jack and Ianto back together, the way it's supposed to be. You and me, Ianto Jones. You and me."
He leaned over to kiss Ianto once more, letting the kiss on icy lips linger for just a moment before pulling back. "I will always love you, my Ianto. And I will never forget the past we had together, or the future we could never have. But I need to set things right for this Ianto. I can't let him be lost anymore than I could let you be lost. This will always be your home, but now it's his, too. And I hope that you understand that. I hope that you never think I loved you any less because I want to try to love him too."
Jack rose on shaky legs, wiping his eyes again and then leaning over the man before him once more. He kissed his forehead, then the tip of his nose, then the corner of his mouth, before gently laying a hand on Ianto's chest.
"I love you, Jones, Ianto Jones. Wherever, whenever."
Jack bit back more tears and slowly pushed the drawer back into its spot in the wall, ignoring the metallic clang as it slid into place and locked. He re-closed the door, latching it and locking it carefully. Letting his head rest against the cold metal above the love of his life, Jack shook with emotion. That had been every bit as hard as he'd thought it would be.
14 May 2011 – 11:00pm
He stood outside the numbered door, hand raised to knock. He'd changed clothes, slipping into a black pair of trousers and pulling on a light green dress shirt. He'd even worn different braces, not that it mattered. But he wanted to look more put together than he felt. Inside, he was a mess.
What if it didn't matter anymore? What if Ianto had decided to try a different reality? Yes, he'd said this was the only one where Ianto Jones was deceased, and the others living, but…after what Jack had said to him, was there anything left to save? Surely he could go to a place where Torchwood never existed at all? Start fresh?
Jack shuddered, trying to imagine losing Ianto all over again. It hadn't even been two days, but the very idea made his heart ache. Even if they couldn't make this thing work between them, the least he could do was make sure Ianto knew he was welcome here. For Ianto and for his team, if not for himself.
He breathed deeply and let his knuckled rap softly on the door. He hoped the man was still awake. If he knew Ianto at all he had to assume he wasn't sleeping yet. Nor would he be watching TV or reading or doing any of the normal things people did before sleep overtook them. No, Ianto would be thinking. Thinking until he made himself ill.
Several moments went by and they seemed like eons to Jack. He thought about knocking again, maybe harder this time. He even thought about calling out, just in case Ianto wasn't sure if he should open the door. But he remembered there was a peep hole Ianto could see through. He then thought about just walking away.
There was the sound of a lock being slid sideways and Jack held his breath, the door finally opening to reveal a Ianto more broken than even Jack had expected. The man's hair was a mess, his eyes were red-rimmed and puffy, and he was snuffling.
"W-What are you doing here, sir?"
"I needed to…" he started, licking his lips. "We…I… Hell. Ianto, please, can we talk?"
"I think you said all you meant to say, sir," Ianto replied, shaking his head.
"No, I didn't, Ianto."
"Look, it's late," Ianto told him, gripping the door tightly. "I check out in the morning and I'll make sure to leave everything you purchased for me with the concierge. Now please, go, and let me rest."
"No."
"I'm sorry?"
"I said no, Ianto. No, I did not say all I meant to say. No, I will not go. And no, you're not going to rest until you've let me in."
Ianto's mouth opened as if to protest, but Jack just stared at him, brows furrowed. Ianto's mouth closed and he sighed, stepping back from the door and drawing it open a little more so that Jack could slip through. He closed it behind him and Jack made his way to the window before turning to face him. He noticed that the bed had not been touched. Rest. Right.
He took in the sight of the man before him. Ianto was wearing one of the t-shirts and pajama bottoms Jack had bought for him. He looked adorable, even though he'd never tell him that. Not right now, anyway.
"Go on, then," Ianto said, waving his hand.
Jack stepped forward. "I shouldn't have said what I did earlier."
"Your reality, your rules," Ianto replied, shrugging. "If you don't want me here, I leave. Simple as that, sir."
"But I do want you here, Ianto."
"This isn't my home, sir. You said so yourself. I can't replace your Ianto, and I shouldn't even be trying to."
"My Ianto," he said, stepping still closer. "He wouldn't turn you away. He'd make you feel welcome. Cup of coffee, new suits, new flat…"
"You've already done the new suits thing, sir, as well as coffee. The flat was next week," Ianto said, shaking his head. "Doesn't matter. I can't be who this world wants me to be. I don't belong."
"You're exactly who you should be."
"You want me to go back to before there was anything between me and Jack," Ianto argued, stepping back when Jack moved closer still. "Just friends. Co-workers, even. I don't…I can't…do that. Jack and I had something…I can't even put it into words."
"You loved him. You still do."
"Fine, yes, I did…do. So I can't be around him…you…and pretend that didn't exist."
"I'm not asking you to, Ianto." Jack was now well within the younger man's personal space, but Ianto hadn't moved again. He took that as a positive sign. "I had a lot to think about after you left tonight."
"And your conclusion, sir?"
"I don't want to lose you again," Jack replied, reaching a hand up and running his thumb over Ianto's cheek, as he had not even an hour before, under much different circumstances. It was the same face. The same cheekbone. "I can't."
"But you didn't lose me, Jack." The walls were dropping. The mask was slipping. "You lost your Ianto. Remember?"
"I do," Jack nodded, slipping his arms around Ianto's waist and drawing him closer. The man didn't pull back. "But if you go, without giving this…me…another chance, then I've lost my Ianto twice."
"So now I'm your Ianto as well?" Ianto whispered, eyes searching Jack's.
"If you don't think your Jack would mind?" he responded, raising an eyebrow.
"I'm sure he'd have liked to have joined in, actually," Ianto said, the hint of a smile tugging at his lips as his hands moved to hold Jack's arms.
"My kind of guy," Jack teased, squeezing Ianto until they were pressed even closer together. "I want you to stay, Ianto."
"What about the others?"
Jack snorted. "Believe me; they want you to stay too."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yes, Jack," Ianto said, moving his hands to cup Jack's face. "Okay."
Ianto pressed a kiss to his lips. It was gentle and unassuming, with none of the searing heat of their previous encounter. Jack's eyes fluttered closed and he held Ianto close, kissing him back with every emotion he had, hoping that at least something of the last hour was conveyed, without words.
When Ianto pulled away Jack questioned him with his eyes, but Ianto just smiled and reached for one of the bags they'd received while shopping. Out of it he drew another set of pajamas, and he tossed them to Jack.
"Ianto?"
"You'll need those if you're staying the night."
Jack grinned, grabbing the man's hand and yanking him closer. He kissed him deeply and then broke away, moving toward the bathroom to change.
"Alright, Ianto," he called from the other room. "I'll stay the night. But you better not try anything. I have my virtues, you know."
There was raucous laughter from the other room and Jack poked his head out, glaring at the other man. Ianto held his hands up, choking back his laughter.
"I promise, Jack," he said, eyes full of mirth. "I'll be a perfect gentleman."
"You'd better."
Jack ducked back into the bathroom to finish changing, and grinned at his reflection in the mirror. It was amazing to hear Ianto laugh again.
TBC…
