A/N: Hey everyone! Thanks for the great reviews! Okay, so I decided Wednesdays are going to be my target date, just so you know! I usually get a lighter work day...gives me some time to finish and proof the chapter :)
As always, I don't own OTH, the characters, or anything quoted "'like this'". I can only claim the journey they travel and the mistakes found upon it! So enjoy, lol!
Chapter title comes from a lyric in "Broken" by Lifehouse.
Ch8: I Am Damaged At Best, Like You've Already Figured Out
Their staring contest lasts a few more excruciating minutes, before Lucas snaps out of the daze he seems to be in. He breaks the silence, "Thank god. Peyton, I'm sor—"
She interrupts, wanting to just tell him what happened and not rehash their earlier argument. "Dan was at the cemetery, and he was yelling at someone I couldn't see."
He pauses, furrowing his brow. Standing, he shoves his hands into his pockets. "This morning, I—"
"Did you hear me? Dan—"
"Will you stop?" Lucas asks, clearly aggravated.
Peyton blinks, then scowls at him. What is his problem, anyway? She doesn't want to talk about their argument, doesn't he understand that? She just wants to have a nice conversation about the weirdness that happened a few moments before, while she was trying to talk to her mom.
He frowns too, taking a step towards her. "Just let me apologize, okay?"
"Look, whatever...I don't really care."
"Well I do." He stresses earnestly, removing his hands and raising them to her. Only to stop right before they'd touch her...if she was really there. They both just kind of stare at the space between his hand and her arm, until he finally drops them and she takes a step back.
She looks at his face in time to see his expression fall, along with his shoulders. "I'm an ass. I do care about you, and what's happening. I just took everything else out on you, and I'm sorry for that."
She sighs, meeting his eyes. The look in them makes her feel better. Because she can tell he means it.
But her continued silence seems to make him a little nervous. "I—I did it because, I think, I was overwhelmed with it all. And I trust you, you know? To understand that. That I lashed out because I felt like I could with you. I just hope you forgive me."
Her head starts to nod, almost of it's own accord, while her mind turns a little mushy. What he just told her is a big deal. And she can't help feeling pleased and giddy by it, even as she tells herself it's rooted in friendship and nothing more. It's still an amazing feeling.
"Okay, you're starting to make me nervous." Lucas tells her, attempting to smile and shifting his feet a little.
She smiles, "Sorry. I was just...processing."
When he gives her a confused look, she shrugs, moving to gingerly test the bleacher. It's solid. He takes the seat next to her, turning so he's facing her. "Are you almost done?"
She chuckles at his wry tone, nodding. "I get it, Luke, I do. I mean, I was hurt, but...but I know it's hard. When my mom died...I lashed out from the bitterness, too."
He nods as well. "Yeah. So...is that just understanding, or is it forgiveness..."
As he trails off, she rolls her eyes. "It's both. Okay?"
"Okay." He smiles at her, "Thank you."
She smiles back. When they lapse into silence again, it doesn't feel so weighted. The space between them no longer feels as vast, so she lets herself revel in it.
Lucas squints at her, breaking into her moment. "Hey, what'd you say about the cemetery?"
"Oh." She makes a face, gesturing weakly with one hand. "It was really weird. I was talking to my mom—"
"When? Because I looked there, and I couldn't find you."
She's a little startled. "You looked for me?"
"Of course I did." He's slightly impatient. "I looked for you all day."
"Yeeaahh... I'll explain that later, just listen to this first."
She waits for a confirmation in the form of a head tilt from him before continuing, "I was talking to my mom, when I look up to see Dan. And he's wandering around, looking really...mad. Or frantic. Anyway, he starts yelling stuff, acting like someone else is there."
Lucas' lips part a little, as he regards her seriously. "Who?"
"I'm not sure." Peyton shrugs, biting her lip. Reluctant to bring this part up. "I thought...well, towards the end, he kind of kept aiming his words at Keith's grave."
She watches his eyes widen, the color appearing black in the glow from the lights rimming the Rivercourt. "What'd he say?"
"Something about Keith starting something and Dan finishing it. I didn't understand."
Lucas looks confused too, taking a moment to stare intently into the night. She remains quiet, giving him the time to churn the information in his mind. And trying to make sense of it herself. Especially the part where Dan focused his conversation at a whiny ghost only he could see. Mostly, she's curious to know if it was an actual ghost, or another person who was stuck between living and not. Or neither.
"I'm not sure I get it, either." Lucas says slowly, bending forward to lean his chin on clasped hands. "Started what? Finished what?"
Peyton shrugs. "I want to know who he was talking to. Do you think there are other people going through this?" She gestures to herself.
"I dunno. Maybe." He straightens, looking at her. "You didn't see anyone?"
"Nope."
"Well, maybe Dan just went a little crazy. It's entirely possible."
She gives a little scoff and rolls her eyes. "Or there really are such things as ghosts, and all these years I've been kind of mocking that idea."
"Peyton Sawyer, badass." He teases with a small chuckle. "Who knows. When I was a kid, I always thought there was more out there beyond the world."
"Well, yeah, it's called space." At the exasperated look he sends her, she can't help the wide grin that stretches across her face.
He shakes his head, but she can see the small smile he's trying to suppress. She feels better for having lightened the moment, no matter how lame.
Lucas sighs deeply, turning serious, "I talked to Mouth today."
"And?" She prompts when he fails to elaborate.
"And he cried about Jimmy. Mentioned the funeral. Brought up this promise we all made as kids to be there for each other." He frowns, narrowing his eyes. "I just...I couldn't believe he'd bring that up. Not after this."
She tilts her head, studying this boy beside her. This boy who sees so much deeper than most people; able to reach a hurting heart in others, while never looking that far into his own. Even with so sparse an explanation, Peyton understands it's more than the black and white Luke believes it is. It's a hundred shades of grey.
"A promise to be there? All of you?"
He just furrows his eyebrows in her direction, obviously not sure what she means.
Peyton sighs, nervously twisting her hands together in her lap. "So what about Mouth?"
"What?" He turns even more, straddling the bench to look at her directly. "What about him?"
"Isn't Mouth your friend? Doesn't he need someone to have his back?"
He looks startled. She can practically see his mind working, watching the different emotions flash in his expressions. His eyes flicker towards her, before he ducks his head, contemplating the bench in front of him. "I can't do what he's asking. Go to that funeral and...mourn the guy who killed Keith."
"He was just a scared kid, Luke. It's okay to hate what he did, and you're allowed to be mad at him. But don't punish Jimmy's people for what he did."
His head shoots up, expression incredulous. She rushes on, "I mean, what about his mom? I bet no one is going to attend his service because of this, but she shouldn't have to stand there alone. She deserves to grieve, and she deserves to have support in that grief. Like Karen did the other day. Or my dad, when he lost my mom."
Lucas shakes his head jerkily, opening and closing his mouth, trying to find words. She waits, knowing he needs to work it out for himself. Yes, Jimmy's people need to grieve...and that includes all his childhood friends who are going to have to reconcile the boy they thought they knew with the one who did something they'd never imagined him capable of.
"I...just don't know." He finally manages to mutter, looking at her with hollow eyes.
She smiles gently, "That's okay. Just don't close yourself off to the people who're still here."
"I didn't close myself off to you." His tone is defensive, yet strangely pleading.
She can't really describe it, but it makes her heart jump in her chest. A reaction that tears through her, knowing and hating that it's not allowed to happen. She's not supposed to be this affected by Lucas, not when he belongs with her best friend. It literally hurts to know that, and to feel the way she does about him.
So she tries to play it off. "I'm not all the way here, though." She gives him what she hopes is a teasing grin, praying he didn't hear the bitter undertone to the statement.
Apparently the universe isn't listening. His expression morphing into a fierce scowl as he flattens his palms on the bench and leans his weight forward, putting his face mere inches from hers. She instinctively draws back, wary.
"Peyton," he enunciates slowly, close enough that she can see his eyes flashing with temper. "Why do you insist on joking about that? I don't like it. Especially when I can tell it scares you."
She hates that she loves he can see that. She also hates that he can see that. "Because."
He just narrows his eyes at her, making her fidget. Finally, after a moment of uncomfortable silence, she huffs, "Because if I don't joke about it, I'll want to cry about it! And I can't do that! Not figuratively and not literally."
Lucas sighs, retreating from her personal space a little. "But you can't pretend it away, either, Peyton. You have to deal with it. Maybe that's how you're supposed to reconnect and wake up. You can't close yourself off from really being here, just because you don't want to face it."
She hates his ability to turn her own words on her. And that he never wants to deal with his own things, either. It's those shades of grey again. "Really? Like you deal with things? Have you talked to your mom today?"
"That's not the same."
"Isn't it?" She challenges, shifting to straddle the bench as well and crossing her arms over her chest.
He clenches his jaw and runs his hand over his head. "Fine." He growls. "I haven't talked to her yet. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"Not really, no." She bites back. His attitude pissing her off a little. "I want to hear that you talked to her, and dealt with whatever made you act like that this morning!" There's a pause, before she mumbles waspishly, "If it was this morning."
"It was." He latches onto her last sentence quickly. "And you said you'd explain that."
She frowns, "Don't change the subject, Luke."
"Answer the question, Peyton." He mimics her tone, making a face that causes her frown to deepen and her gaze to narrow into a glare. He merely glares back, raising his eyebrow in a challenge.
She sighs out a soundless curse and shrugs carelessly. "I blanked out, is all. I was mad at you, sitting there talking to my other self, and my dad comes in. With your mom. They both kind of got emotional and I freaked out. The next time I open my eyes, I'm alone again. That happened…I don't know, maybe an hour ago?"
"You blanked out for the entire day? No wonder I couldn't find you. I thought…" She winces when he trails off. He nods slightly at her reaction, "Exactly. I spent this afternoon looking for you and freaking out, myself. How'd it happen?"
"I still don't know. This one didn't really come when I was bored, like before. I was pretty much an emotional mess, you know? And it was the whole day, instead of a few minutes. I don't think it was anything I did that caused it."
They both take pause at those words. Peyton's not sure what he's thinking, but she figures the how and why of her blanking out are the least of their worries. And, damn it, she didn't mean to let him distract her from talking about his issues.
"Your mom told my dad that she told you it was your fault about Keith." She blurts out, studying his face for a reaction.
His eyes widen, his mouth moving without forming words, and his hands gesture absently in the space between them before settling once again on the bench. "She did. She said if I hadn't gone into that school—"
"He would have gone in, anyway."
"I know." He nods firmly at her disbelieving look. "I do know. Haley said that's the person he is—was. You told me that too, remember?"
Biting her lip, she cautiously probes, "So why do you sound like you agree with her?"
"It's my fault he died." Lucas turns beseeching eyes onto her.
It's like she's walking a minefield here, not sure where to go or what step might set off something dangerous. She's floundering, confused how he can know Keith would have done something regardless of Lucas' involvement, yet still place the blame for the man's actions on himself.
Maybe something in her expression gives her thoughts away, because he clarifies, "I don't agree with her about me going back into school being the reason. But...Jim and I grew up together, you know? Then last year...he drifted away... I never noticed. Until the time capsule, but by then it was too late to fix it."
"Luke..." She breathes out, understanding dawning. Leaning forward, "You can't blame yourself for another person's actions. You're not responsible for what someone chooses to do."
He tilts his head back for a moment, sighing into the night. Bringing his eyes back to hers, he murmurs, "Maybe I could have stopped all of it. If I'd just noticed."
"Or maybe not." Peyton counters, "Or maybe that's not the point. People can't go back in time and fix every mistake, they can't undo what they've lived. You shouldn't feel guilty about a moment, or a series of moments, you didn't pay attention to. Life's full of those, and you don't know which one was the spark that lit the fuse. So how do you think you could've known the one to notice?"
She meets his eyes fully, the floodlights offering just enough illumination to see the intensity of his gaze as he stares at her in a contemplative silence. Finally, a tiny pull at the corner of his mouth and an almost unnoticeable nod gives her an answer before he even speaks. "I couldn't have." He offers her a hesitant smile, "You learn that the hard way?"
"It didn't really sink in until last year." She confides wryly. "My mom ran the light on her way to pick me up. One wrong moment. I always thought—I don't know, that maybe if I'd gone to play with a friend that day, or if I hadn't made a big deal about wanting to get home right away to see my dad, or if she hadn't been delayed trying to find me a new sketchpad 'cause I dropped mine in Brooke's pool. If I hadn't dropped my sketchpad in the first place. Or decided to bring it to Brooke's house. Or went to her house that day..."
"Yeah. I get it." He sighs, slumping his posture a little. His eyes drop to his clasped hands in front of him. Following his gaze, she reaches to hover her hand right above his. She can't touch him in comfort, but she wants him to know that she's there. She hopes it helps, at least a little.
He studies their hands for a moment, raising his head again. "Thanks."
"For what?"
"Being my friend."
She smiles and nods her head softly. "Yeah. Just...talk to your mom, okay? Deal with something you can change."
Lucas purses his lips, raising his eyebrow at her. "You, too. work on pulling yourself together. And whatever you do, stay far away from any white lights."
"Yeah, you say that now." She makes a face at him, chuckling at him when he tilts his head in confusion. "Then next thing I know, it's a "'run to the light, Carole-Ann!'" type of thing."
He stares at her incredulously. "You have got to get better taste in movies. Poltergeist? Jeez."
"Says the guy who recognized the quote!" She shoots back teasingly. "Besides, this whole thing is practically straight out of some movie anyway. Think about it, from what I saw happen tonight, there could be dozens of people going through what I am."
"You mean because Dan was acting crazy?"
She shrugs sheepishly, "Well, yeah. Dude, what else would have him going around yelling at air?"
"Ever thought it might be because he lost his mind?" Lucas snarks dryly.
"Maybe." she concedes. "Or he could be doing exactly what you're doing, if someone were to see you right now."
He pokes his tongue out her briefly before squinting thoughtfully. "You said...it seemed like he might have been talking to Keith?"
"That was just the impression I got. I mean, he never said a name or anything. Just...the last points were directed towards Keith's headstone, so I figured..."
He nods, absently rubbing under one eye. "Do you really think that's possible? That Keith's here like that?"
"I dunno. I never thought it'd be possible for me to be here like this."
"I'm not sure I really believe in the whole ghost thing." At her expression, he grins. "You're not a ghost, just in a coma. Two totally different scenarios, girlie." He falls silent, seeming to consider something. "Maybe Dan just needed to talk to him and decided to do it at the cemetery. The same way you talk to your mom."
She sighs. "Okay. Maybe. But what did he mean?"
"Maybe nothing." Lucas shrugs.
"But...I always mean something, when I talk to my mom." She tells him, a little worried about his cavalier manner.
He's quiet for a moment, before running his hand over his face with a barely discernible groan. "I—I'm confused about what he thinks Keith started. And how he finished it. It's driving me crazy, 'cause all I can think, is about this...one-up war they've been having."
"What are you talking about?"
"Remember the dealership fire?"
She scowls. "Yeah. And I remember the choking-thing afterwards, too."
He waves her words away, continuing, "Well, Dan was convinced Keith was behind it. He even tried to get him arrested for it." Lucas turns to gaze unseeing into the darkness. "He blamed Keith, and kept saying that he'd get even."
"By doing what?"
"Making his life miserable." Lucas retorts, bringing his eyes back to hers. "God, Peyton. That man tried all sorts of things to bring Keith down, but he wouldn't let him, you know?"
Peyton nods, taking a moment to think about where Luke might be going with this. "Okay. So that's the start...what was the finish...? And how did Dan do it?"
"That's what I don't understand." He huffs out a sigh, pulling his leg over the bleacher so he can stand. He starts pacing slowly in front of her. "It's obvious what the finish is." It's a bitter choke that has Peyton wishing she could touch him or bring any kind of comfort whatsoever. "But Jimmy..."
"So maybe Dan's playing the self-blame game, too." She suggests quickly, not wanting him to dwell on his last thought again.
"For what?" He halts right in front of her, bringing his arms to cross his chest. "Being a major ass to Keith his whole life?"
"Oh!" Peyton's hand fly up as a thought pops into mind. She shifts so she's no longer straddling the bench and looks up at Lucas. "Or being the Mayor, and not stopping Keith from going in that day. The day that ultimately finished everything between them."
"He should have. That's his job." Lucas states bitterly. "Not only that, but his brother. I tried stopping mine from going in there."
Peyton stands, moving a little closer to the hurting boy. "Yeah. But they didn't have the relationship you and Nate do. Maybe that's a reason he could be blaming himself, you know? For not being a better brother to Keith when he had the chance."
Lucas stares at her pensively. "Is it wrong that I don't care if he blames himself? Even if he technically didn't cause Keith's death?"
"It's not wrong to feel how you feel. As long as you don't let it drag you down, okay?"
When he nods, she smiles. Stepping out of his personal space, she leans her head back, looking at the stars shining in the inky darkness. She ruefully admonishes herself, having forgotten that while she doesn't need sleep, he does.
"It's getting late, Luke. You should probably head home. Sleep off this day, 'cause it sounds like it sucked."
He scoffs out a laugh. "Yeah, it did. A lot."
She laughs. "So, I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Definitely." He goes to turn away, but hesitates. "Will you come with me? Stay?"
Peyton raises her eyebrows, regarding him questioningly.
He sends her a sheepish smile. "It's just...I'll feel better having you where I can see you, so I don't worry."
Her heart stutters in her chest, but she tamps down the rush of emotion. They're just friends. And she really needs to do a better job at remembering that. "Okay. But just until you fall asleep." She grins facetiously. "You're not as interesting to watch while you're unconscious as I apparently am."
"Haha." He deadpans, starting in the direction of his house. "You're hilarious."
"Oh, I know!" She makes a face and widens her eyes exaggeratedly, laughing when he rolls his.
They stroll along the quiet streets, neither really talking. Peyton's trying not to focus on the boy next to her, trying not to gauge how scrambled his emotions must be. She's obviously failing. But she's still a little worried; he has so much on his mind, and he's stubborn enough to try to do everything on his own. She just doesn't want it all to break his already fragile hold on peace. He needs it.
"Peyton?" He interrupts the silence when they get to the sidewalk in front of his house. "I'll think about it."
She's slightly baffled. "Think about what?"
"The funeral. For Mouth...and Mrs. Edwards."
She merely smiles to herself, following him into his room. That might just be a step towards the healing he so desperately needs.
A/N: As I'm sure you've noticed, this update was almost ENTIRELY dialogue! Please let me know what you think! If it read/sounded like an actual conversation...or not. I didn't want it to sound TOO formal or speech-like, but I also hope it wasn't too casual, either. Also, in a normal conversation, the topics jump around...were the shifts easy to follow? Make sense? Tried too hard? lol. Anything you can point out, please do so! I appreciate it! :)
