Chapter 8
"Let me kiss away your troubles," Conrad whispered once more and made to kiss Yuuri on the lips, but to Yuuri his words were like a bucket of cold water over the head. He drew back sharply and disentangled his hands from around Conrad's neck (when did he put them there?) to put a little distance between them. The rush of water over the skin that was previously pressed against Conrad's felt unnaturally cold, and Yuuri's skin rose with goose bumps.
Conrad regarded him, not particularly hurt by the sudden withdrawal. His eyes were shrewd and sharp as Yuuri met them for a second and then looked away.
Privately Yuuri wondered, between the sudden pressure in his chest and the horror of his actions in light of his recent decisions, what he had done to deserve such torture. It was torture to think of Conrad as a torture, or to think about Conrad's kiss in terms of horror in the first place, but still, he must've done something very awful for Shinou to punish him so severely.
Conrad always told him that every Mazoku, including the Maou, was subjected to Shinou's judgment. He only wished he knew what his punishment was about.
"Yuuri…" Conrad's voice was suddenly pained, distracting Yuuri. He gazed with wonder at Conrad's eyes, eyes that were suddenly sad beyond words. "It's about Julia again, isn't it?" he said quietly, more stating a fact then asking a question.
"Conrad…" Yuuri started, but with no idea what to say next. He had the insane urge to laugh out loud, but he feared it would sound hysterical. But Conrad was right, it was about Julia. "It probably always has been." Yuuri voiced the last of his thoughts aloud, reasoning that there was no more point in beating around the bush. "You love her, don't you? And I have Julia's soul, so you love me," he explained it like a mathematical equation, but he was unable to stop the slight hitch in his voice, something Conrad was bound to notice as well.
Conrad sighed. "I loved Julia, I won't deny it," he started, and the tightness in Yuuri's chest became nearly unbearable. He knew it all along, so why did it hurt so much to hear Conrad say it aloud?
"But Yuuri, I knew I could never have Julia. She was Adelbert's bride and I was happy with being her friend. I never asked for more than her friendship and she gave that happily away.
"When she died, I was as angry as Adelbert was, but unlike Adelbert, I knew that it was her own choice. I allowed myself the satisfaction of chasing people like Geigen Huber and Stoffel because they created the circumstances that led to her death, but I knew it was inevitable. She chose to forfeit her life to allow her soul to become yours."
Yuuri really did laugh, but it was bitter and echoed harshly back from the tiled walls of the baths. Like Yuuri wasn't feeling bad enough, Conrad had to go over the excruciating details of Julia's death. Conrad merely talked on, though the look he gave Yuuri was filled with sorrow.
"When I took Julia's soul to Earth and gave it to you, I had no idea what was going to happen. I returned to Shin Makoku and waited for you to come to me, but all this time the one I really was waiting for was Julia. In my mind's eye I could see her… or rather, a male version of her, coming back to Shin Makoku and illuminating all of our lives.
"But then you came, and from the moment I looked at you I knew that you're not Julia. I tried to resent that, but you were so sweet that I couldn't bring myself to do so. I tried to maintain my distance from you, to be strictly professional in my relationship with you, but it was of no use," Conrad laughed softly while Yuuri's nails dug into his palms in an effort to hold back his emotions and not flinch or cry or explode in anger at the unfairness of it all.
"I couldn't help my smiles whenever you would look at me. I found myself responding to your enthusiasm with that of my own, and I found myself not hesitating at all in reaching out for you, because to me you shone like a light in the dark. You endeared yourself on me without my will with your clumsiness and your pig-headed faith that peace is an ultimate goal and even with your occasional foolishness in your interactions with people," Conrad chuckled at some memory he was remembering. He assumed Yuuri had already heard it because he wasn't rushing his story, and Yuuri wanted to scream.
"At some point I could no longer pretend that I thought so fondly of you because you had Julia's soul in you, because soon enough Julia's image was not the same. The image I usually held dear suddenly had black eyes and black hair and was most of the time running away from my enraged little brother.
"Yuuri, I couldn't deny my feelings for you. After I returned to Shin Makoku from Big Shimaron I was flooded with happiness just by thinking that you were there with me. You, Yuuri, not Julia. By the time we had our final battle against Soushu Julia had no more room in my mind. My every thought was somehow connected to Shibuya Yuuri, the Maou, and it was you that I wanted to save, and you that I lost my heart to, and you I wanted to have by my side forever. Not Julia."
Conrad took a deep breath and looked at Yuuri, eyes earnest and confident. "I never felt as I do for you even though I've already lived for so long. In comparison, what I felt for Julia was like a boy's crush. And unlike Julia, I wasn't willing to accept that you couldn't be mine. What I feel for you is so deep it shook my beliefs and the foundations of my life. So deep, Yuuri, that if you wanted me as well I eventually would've fought over you with Wolfram, at the price of losing my younger brother forever," Conrad's voice was so honest and so straightforward that Yuuri took a step back.
He knew how much Conrad loved Wolfram. For Conrad to risk upturning their lives, and not only the three of them but also everyone's life, was no small thing. And when Conrad told him he would've fought for him he seemed so painfully true to his words that Yuuri had no choice but to believe him.
They stared at each other in serious silence for a minute or two, Yuuri contemplating if he could've possibly misinterpret Conrad's tone of voice and Conrad watching his debate with rapt attention. Then, suddenly, Conrad laughed. "Well, lucky for all of us, you made that decision for me and asked for my hand in marriage, saving me the trouble of fighting Wolfram," he winked, and Yuuri nearly toppled over into the water.
"WHAT!?" Yuuri exclaimed, eyes going round as saucers. What!? He proposed!? When!? How!?
Conrad looked startled for a moment and Yuuri quickly remembered that he was in the future and he was supposed to be the future Yuuri, who already did all that and knew what Conrad was talking about. "I mean… hehehe… of course it… saved you the trouble…" think fast, think fast! "That was why I did it! Yes, that was it! Hehehe…" Yuuri gave an awkward laugh and scratched the back of his head, hoping desperately that Conrad believed him.
"Do you understand now, Yuuri? It's you that I love, not Julia. I forgot my feelings for her when you came and filled my heart so that there was no more room in it for anything else. And I eventually did let go of Julia. Even if it was against my will to forget about her and fall in love with you, I don't regret it," Conrad said softly, eyes happy once more. His hand caressed Yuuri's cheek, leaving a wet trail on it.
"But…" Yuuri started remembering himself sitting in his room and thinking over it. "But when you were in Big Shimaron and Adelbert was about to…" Conrad didn't let him finish.
"It was the only was I could think of to make him stop," Conrad said in a voice so firm and so final that Yuuri never thought to argue with him.
"So when you were protecting me, all those times, you weren't protecting…" Yuuri was once again cut-off mid-sentence.
"I was protecting Yuuri. I can hardly afford my liege and the boy who holds my heart to die. My heart would've died with you and I would prefer to die myself than to allow this to happen," once again the finality in Conrad's voice was so complete Yuuri could not question any further.
"But I'm a boy!" Yuuri exclaimed, face reddening. The mechanism of male sex was still a bit unclear in his mind, though he did have a general idea of what to do.
Conrad laughed. "As Günter tried to tell you time and again, in Shin Makoku it's not a rare thing for two males to be in a relationship," Conrad told him, but his face somber when Yuuri spoke next.
"But Julia was perfect. I'm just… me. I'm just mediocre and simple. And Julia was…" a hand on Yuuri's mouth made him jump and raise torn eyes to meet Conrad's.
"I never wanted perfect. Yuuri, love is not about perfection, it's about the imperfections in us all. And I love each of your imperfections more than I would've loved you if you were perfect," Conrad said sternly, and only when Yuuri nodded did he drop his hand and step back.
Yuuri couldn't help himself. He looked at Conrad, watching the play of moisture over his sculptured chest, his handsome features and his warm brown eyes, now more serious and hopeful then everything else. Conrad's face, etched in his memory and at the same time firmly in front of him, was always the same. It was only the look in his eyes that changed, from gentle protectiveness and polite attentiveness, to fierce protectiveness and warm honesty he rarely showed anyone else. And that something, that flicker Yuuri saw in the times Conrad's eyes were unguarded, when they were looking at each other on Bandarbia, or right before Yuuri disappeared back to Earth after defeating Soushu. That flicker was of longing and love that enveloped Yuuri like a hug and flooded him with happiness.
Could he rely on his memory? Could he really trust this and have the faith to reach out for Conrad?
"I love you, Yuuri. Now you must decide if you can believe in it," Conrad said quietly, and Yuuri raised frightened eyes at him.
"Even if I believe in it," he said in a choked voice, "I have Julia's soul. Is what I feel really belongs to me? Is it me who feels those feelings for you or is it Julia?" Yuuri asked angrily, wanting to forget everything and simply believe in Conrad and have no more doubts. But he already thought about it too much to dismiss it as simply as he wanted to.
Conrad looked startled. "Yuuri…" he began, and then stopped and began again. "What do you think?" he asked Yuuri back, and Yuuri closed his eyes. He had no answer for this, because he was so confused. Everything Conrad was saying was so new, and it was all so sudden, that he had no idea if he could trust in himself.
"I want to believe that it's me who feels those feelings," Yuuri said eventually, truthfully. Conrad stepped forward until he was standing right in front of Yuuri and Yuuri could feel the heat his body was emitting.
"Yuuri, your soul is your own. It's not Julia's, it's yours. The one who believes and feels and acts and creates is you, not Julia. All you inherited from her is the base and foundations from which her soul was made. You may have the same ideals and the same aspirations but it's you that decides who you are, not Julia. Julia is dead, and with her everything that made her who she was. Her soul was not incarnated. Right now all that there is here inside," and Conrad touched Yuuri's chest gently with his fingertips, "is Yuuri."
Yuuri looked up at Conrad, unable to not believe him. Conrad was so real and honest, and so very much there and Yuuri wanted to believe in him… and in himself. He wanted to believe that he was Yuuri, and that it was this Yuuri that Conrad loved.
Suddenly he knew why he was being punished. Hadn't he said that he was not going to doubt anyone again? Hadn't he said to Murata and Yozak in Small Shimaron that from now on he would believe in everyone? And it was his own words that he didn't listen to.
Yuuri threw himself into Conrad's arms and felt them wrap tightly around him, holding him hard against his chest. He didn't care that they were both naked or that the breath was squeezed out of his lungs, he never wanted to let go.
He felt so light headed with relief that he laughed out loud, and felt a thrill running through him when Conrad echoed the sound, his laughter as powerful as Yuuri's.
But then Conrad pushed him gently away, smiling in knowing sort of way, thought he was happier then Yuuri had ever seen him. "Go back now, and be certain of my love for you, who is Yuuri Shibuya," Yuuri gaped at him, shocked into speechlessness. "After all," Conrad winked at him, "you still have to ask for my hand in marriage in a most outrageous fashion." And before Yuuri had a chance to ask Conrad what was he saying and how he knew, he opened his eyes to find that he was in his office once more, his eyes gazing at the stones of the ceiling and hands tangling in the carpet's long braids.
Conrad turned back and smiled. "I had no idea you trusted me so little," he told his Yuuri, who emerged from the steams and shadows of one of the corners.
"Well, you were not by my side to reassure me, what did you expect?" Yuuri in the future asked his Conrad, bending down to caress Conrad's cheek tenderly. "Thank you for doing this," he told Conrad and kissed him on the mouth.
Conrad laughed. "The gain was entirely mine, don't you agree?"
Yuuri tried to sit up too quickly, he supposed, because as soon as he was in a sitting position his head started spinning.
"Easy, Shibuya!" hands came to rest on his back to stabilize him against the fall, and Murata's concerned face swam into focus. He looked paler, but he had a certain look in his eyes that implied that he knew more then he let on.
"Murata," Yuuri said back, once he could sit on his own again. Murata was kneeling by his side on the carpet and even thought Yuuri could support himself by then he had made no move to get back up. "Did you put the Demon Mirror in my office?" he asked, suspiciously.
Murata smiled in a Murata Ken sort of way, a way that said he was innocent and ignorant of everything important. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Shibuya! Have you been to the past again?" he asked cheerfully, but Yuuri already knew that smile. It was the smile Murata smiled at him in Caloria, before Yuuri knew he was the Great Sage in his time.
Yuuri figured there was no point in arguing with him. They both knew that Murata was the one who could put the Demon Mirror there, even if he denied it. "I was in the future," Yuuri answered instead, looking into Murata's eyes. "Which reminds me, why are you here at such an hour of the night?" Yuuri asked, looking at the moon high in the sky outside his window.
"Ah, I came to call you because I thought that with all the commotion people would simply assumed you've heard. Sir Weller has regained consciousness," Murata told him, smiling gently as Yuuri simply stared at him.
"Conrad is… awake?" he asked slowly, looking so intently into Murata's eyes that it must've been uncomfortable for his friend, but he didn't care. Yuuri already knew Conrad would wake up, but hearing it was good nonetheless.
"Yes," Murata nodded and offered Yuuri his hand. "You're not as excited as I thought you'd be," he added as he directed Yuuri toward the door.
"That's because I saw him alive and well in the future," Yuuri said, smiling back at his friend and hastening his strides.
Murata stopped in the middle of the hall, outside Conrad's door. "What you're saying isn't possible, Shibuya. No one can see the future, since it hasn't happened yet," Murata said, his glasses glinting and behind them his eyes serious.
A/N:
I know that some of you are confused since the whole Julia issue was never really solved. On the one hand Yuuri was repeating things Julia told verious people in her life, and was showing desires and wishes that were associated with her first. He also had a feeling that he knew Conrad when he first saw him. On the other hand, he is Yuuri, and Souhu himself said that there were differences (and he would know since he created both Julia and Yuuri). For this fic, Julia and Yuuri are seperate entities. For all matters and purposes Julia is dead. Think of it like recieving a boxfull of sand. You can build the Taj Mahal from that sand, and then ruin it and build the Buckingham Palace. The sand is the same one you used for the other castle, and both shapes are palaces, but they are not the same despite the similarities.
