Chapter Eight: Still My Baby Boy
Two days later, and a week after her arrival in District Twelve, Johanna seems to be settled and on her way to making a full recovery from the injuries she got when Gale pushed her off the balcony. I still haven't talked to her about that, and maybe it's up to her to bring it up to me, but she's started showing more of an interest in the word around her. Maybe Posy's bubbles from Octavia were some sort of magic.
"It's Katniss still nuts or is she avoiding me by choice?" she asks as she sits at the kitchen table, one arm still in a sling, and helps Posy shell peas for soup while I chop vegetables.
"Her and Peeta are only nuts some days," Posy offers before I can say a word. "Some days Katniss just sits and stares at the wall. Some days Peeta stays locked in his house with only Haymitch. But then some days Katniss helps me plant my garden and some days I make cookies with Peeta."
"She pretty much covered how they are," I tell Johanna. "I think right now they're just giving you space to adjust and recover. At least that's how Haymitch said it. Would you like to see them?"
She chews on a pea pod for a long minute and nods. "Yes. I would. If they're not avoiding me by choice."
Rory drops a bag of winter berries on the table and puts his gloves back on, having just come home from a day in the woods. "I just left Katniss at her house. I'll go tell her and Peeta to come over for supper."
Johanna watches him leave again and shakes her head. "You Hawthornes really don't give a person the chance to change their mind or second guess anything, do you?"
"Life's too short for that," I say. I put the lid on the pot of chicken and leave it to simmer. "If we spend all our time making the same decision over and over, how will we ever live for the moment?"
"You sound like my grandfather," she says, still chewing on the pod. "Whenever I wasn't sure about something he always said the same thing - Go with your gut, girl. Be stupid not to listen to what your body says first. Don't be stupid."
I can't help but appreciate his blunt logic. "We all forget that advice sometimes, Johanna. It sounds like Gale forgot it completely over the last year and no one could blame you for forgetting it a little after what you've been through. All you need is a family that cares about you to remind you of that lesson."
"And loves you," Posy pipes up, leaning her head against Johanna's arm. "Don't forget you need a family that loves you, Mommy."
"That's right, sweetie, you need a family that cares about you and loves you."
Johanna smiles sadly and bumps against Posy. "You're lucky to have that, Posy."
My daughter makes me swell with pride when she twists on her chair and fixes Johanna with a curious, intense look. I know what she's going to say long before she figures it out and I love her for it.
"But Johanna," she begins slowly with the deep seriousness of someone far older than her six years, "but Johanna, I know I'm lucky but you're lucky too. You have us now. And we love you."
I'm proud of Posy but I don't know how Johanna will react to this. I know she's not used to having people care about her, much less love her. I'm not worried so much about Posy, she's strong and she'll recover if she gets pushed away. I'm worried about Johanna.
"Why?" When Posy just looks at her, she elaborates on her question. "Why do I have you now? Why do you love me?"
My daughter doesn't flinch at the question many adults would have wavered under. Maybe it's her child's mind that makes her brave enough to simply square her shoulders and give Johanna her answer.
"I don't know about Mommy and Rory and Vick and Gale but I know why you have me and why I love you." She stands up on her chair and sits on the edge of the table so she can look her in the eye. "When you were in the arena with Katniss, you said there was nobody left you loved. That made me sad. Then when you came to District Thirteen, you didn't really have anybody. That made me sad. I have extra love to give so I'm giving it to you. You need it."
There are tears streaming down Johanna's face. She's so focused on my daughter - the daughter I will never be as proud of as I am in this moment - that she didn't see Peeta and Katniss come into the room with Rory as Posy gave her answer.
"She's right, Johanna," Peeta says in a voice that breaks once as he stands across the table from her. "And when Mrs. Hawthorne talks about family, she doesn't just mean her children. I don't have any family left, none that I'm connected to by blood, and the family I had wasn't the best. The Hawthornes don't owe me anything but I wouldn't be here, like I am, today if it weren't for them caring about me and loving me too."
She blinks away her tears and stares at him. "So it's just what they do?"
"It's just what they do," he repeats, smiling shyly in my direction. "It's best just to let them. You won't be sorry. But you've got to think of me as family too, okay? Remember the promise you, me, and Annie made to each other in the cells?"
"To pick each other up when we fall, even after we got out of the cells."
He smiles and nods. "Exactly. You literally fell, but the promise stands. It's why Annie came here and it's why I'm going to be whatever you need me to be."
Johanna shakes her head, finally seeming to go back to her argumentative nature. "Annie didn't come here just for me."
It doesn't bother Peeta. "Maybe not," he says as if it really doesn't matter - and I hope he does believe that it doesn't matter. "Maybe she came because she figuratively fell when she went home to District Four. You have to get better so you can help her back. You promised."
She scowls but seems to accept it. Wrapping her free arm around Posy, she rolls her eyes at him. "I'll help her and let her help me. But Posy made a much more heartfelt argument. It was better than yours."
No one laughs until Peeta does, and then we all laugh at his answer - that not everyone can be a cute six year old girl.
I know Posy has no idea why she's laughing with us, but she does and it makes us all laugh hard enough that Haymitch, when he arrives moments later with Annie and the baby, gives us all a look that suggests he's worried for our sanity. He doesn't say anything, though, and just drops two loaves of Peeta's bread on the table and announces he's staying for supper.
Later, after everyone's eaten and is sitting around the fire talking quietly, I find my mind wandering from listening to anyone else. Posy's asleep on my lap and her deep breathing is lulling me into another world. It's mostly concerned with Gale. As happy and hopeful as the house feels right now, I can't deny that something is missing. It's a part of me I know I will never feel whole without.
The sooner he gets to come home, no matter how hard it is for him, the better it will be for all of us. Even him. I hope he won't hate it too much. I hope he'll be able to realize what I think Johanna is starting to realize - that it's okay to be imperfect and there's nothing wrong with asking for help from the people who care for you and love you.
Gale's stubborn, though, and he's his own man.
But he's still my baby boy and I just want to hold him in my arms again.
