NB: Your author has had a few glasses of Prosecco and a few hours of Hellsing Ultimate. This chapter is a crossover of sorts. Have you ever wondered what the hell Alexandra and Sebastian would do if they met Integra and Alucard? I have, and the result is most definitely a crack!fic.

This chapter is dedicated to BskiT, who challenged me to write something completely off the wall.

Don't worry if you're not familiar with Hellsing. You'll get to see jealous!Sebastian and intimidated!Alexandra. I'd like to think that's worth the read.


Alexandra paced along the beautifully-appointed office of the one and only Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, Knight of the British Round Table and Director of the Hellsing Organization, an institution dedicated to the eradication of supernatural threats to the throne. Typically, Alexandra had no reason to keep up with British nobility. After all, she'd never bothered keeping up with the Russian nobility and it seemed in pretty poor practice to endear oneself to foreigners before fellow countrymen. That being said, Integra Hellsing was notoriously well-informed about the magical underground, and since Alexandra was hunting down the devotees of one of the most powerful magicians in recent history, she thought it couldn't hurt to interrogate all sources of information. As such, she'd dispatched a hand-written request for a meeting with Sir Hellsing when her trail for Rasputin's more powerful magical descendants went cold somewhere west of Romania. No matter, she thought to herself, I'll hunt you in all corners of the world if I have to.

She'd asked Sebastian to Cloak himself thoroughly before they arrived at Hellsing Headquarters, knowing that an organization so steeped in the occult would have no trouble discerning his true nature. The last thing she needed was a British secret agency trying to requisition her demon for combat against rogue otherworldly entities. Sebastian was hers, and hers alone. A dark laugh reverberated in the spacious chamber as soon as she'd formed the thought. Apparently, the injunctions she'd placed against Sebastian's mind-reading had been ineffective. On the contrary, he seemed to be enjoying himself thoroughly at her expense.

When we get home, Sebastian, I'm going to—

"You should know, Your Grace, that he'd probably enjoy whatever you have planned." It was then that she realized that the laughing did not belong to her dutiful bodyguard. Sebastian's voice was almost melodious. In contrast, this one was a deep rumbling tinged with mystery and danger. She nearly started, but kept herself from expressing her alarm outright. "Tie him up, whip him, douse him with holy water if you please, and all of it will only serve his pleasure. His kind crave pain."

He materialized from the darkness then, tall and regal, dressed in a charcoal suit and riding boots. He'd have passed for British aristocracy himself were it not for the floppy fedora and garish overcoat, both blood red in color—she could see these items without difficulty although his face remained in shadow. Here was a man who wished to be noticed. Even his orange-tinted sunglasses seemed to serve only the purpose of ostentation. Well, that and his exceedingly informal manner, Alexandra thought. She was unnerved by his ability to read her thoughts so precisely. By his address, it was obvious that he'd discovered her identity as well. Sebastian typically had to work to invade his master's consciousness, but this man seemed to have picked her mind effortlessly. "And who do I have the pleasure of addressing?" she asked in as haughty a tone as she could manage. He was no human, of that she was certain. And he was powerful, very powerful. She could feel as much even from across the room.

"I am called Alucard." He bowed slightly after removing his ridiculous hat. "And I assure you that I'd be a worthier object of your more violent…fetishes than this Sebastian of yours." Heavy footsteps thudded slowly across the carpeted room as he approached her. When he came into the light, she nearly gasped. He was pale, exceedingly so, and his wild raven hair seemed to be alive as it swirled around his face in the breezeless room. I was right. He's not human. Alucard removed his glasses then, revealing bright red eyes that shone with the intensity of hellfire. They're even brighter than Sebastian's, she thought as she reached up and took his proffered hand. He grinned impishly as he placed a kiss on the back of her palm. She bit back her fear, surprised that she could feel afraid at all after the horrors she'd witnessed.

There was a slight tingle on the nape of her neck, reassuring her that her ever-vigilant bodyguard was prepared for a fight if needed. Careful, master. He's a vampire. She heard Sebastian's velvet whisper in her mind and nodded her acknowledgment. Most would not seek direct attention, but this one clearly revels in it. Irritation underscored his words. If it weren't for their presence in the home of a complete stranger, she'd have laughed hysterically at the implications contained therein.

There's no need to be jealous, Sebastian, she chided, not knowing if he could hear. The contours of a wonderfully wicked game were taking shape in her mind, and she decided then that she'd have a bit of fun. It was high time she re-established her authority anyway. She smirked at her demon, but it was Alucard who received the smile. He grinned back at her, long fangs lending a menace to his leer that Sebastian would no doubt find vulgar. He would most definitely be a willing playmate.

"I'm Alexandra," she said, infusing her voice with a touch of breathiness. She politely inclined her head to him, ignoring the cold shiver that Sebastian's incorporeal fingers were sending along her spine.

"Alexandra. Greek for 'defender of men'. Considering that he is hiding and you're offering your hand to a vampire, I must agree that you are indeed a defender of men...amongst other things." He smiled more widely, and if it weren't for the razor sharp canines just visible above his lips and the mad gleam in his irises, Alexandra would have found herself entranced. As it stood, she didn't need to rely on her magical powers to know that this Alucard was a beautiful menace, a whirlwind of chaos and peril who took the form of seduction personified. She knew his type too well. "And he has every reason to be jealous, my dear," he purred as he slipped closer still, a gloved hand trailing from her palm to encircle her wrist. It inched slowly up her arm, finally coming to rest at her shoulder. Alexandra felt a chill under her skin where his palm rested atop her clothing, but she retained her coquettish manner for the benefit of the demon concealed somewhere behind her.

Unfortunately, said demon was not satisfied with remaining concealed. Sebastian materialized, a smoky mist surrounding his master and instantly transporting her out of the immediate vicinity of the other man. "My master doesn't like to be touched," he said, being uncharacteristically obvious about the fact that he'd just greeted the vampire with an unnecessary show of power. His eyes burned with a rage that was carefully being held in check. He'd love nothing more than to rip Alucard to shreds, she knew, but until she gave an order to do so, he'd play the part of the dutiful bodyguard flawlessly. Admittedly, she rather enjoyed watching his composure crumble in such situations.

"Well, aren't you an obedient little boy," Alucard drawled, the words curling around his tongue in unashamed relish. Sebastian didn't snarl precisely, but he certainly made a noise of threat towards the other man. She could feel the dark energy radiating from him like the delicate beating of hummingbird's wings. It's unlike him to respond so fiercely to a little pressure. Things were getting very interesting indeed.

"How presumptuous. I'd walked the earth for millennia before you were even conceived. In contrast, you're little more than a wretched parasite. I serve my master, yes, but I do not borrow my powers from the humans I devoured." He let out a satisfied hmph before tugging at his gloves impatiently. Alexandra placed a stalling hand on his chest. Having her bodyguard destroy her host's home would be ungrateful at the very least. She had no doubt Sir Hellsing would not easily forgive such a transgression.

"Relax Sebastian. I was simply greeting Mr. Alucard here. There is no need to be rude." She thought briefly about ordering the demon apologize, but then she realized that he'd make her life a living Hell (quite literally) for the tenure of their contract if she should contrive such a humiliation.

Sebastian fully resumed his anthropomorphic form and bowed dutifully, if a bit reluctantly. "Of course, master."

Alucard's roaring chuckle cut through the ensuing quiet. "Borrowed power is still power. But I don't expect you to understand that. You're nothing but a tame pet, after all." He had worked himself into a mass of maniacal spasms of laughter when his self-entertainment was cut short by a sharp, commanding voice coming from the entrance to the office.

"Alucard, what are you doing here?" He stopped cackling immediately. Sir Hellsing finally strode in, her long blonde hair flowing and her azure eyes flashing dangerously behind wire-rimmed glasses. Her androgynous clothing and brusque manner only contributed to the air of authority surrounding her. Of course the master of such a powerful monster would command respect, Alexandra thought, trying in vain to ignore the other monster—the green-eyed sort—which was now creeping along her skin. She is in such perfect control of him.

"You were so unforgivably late, master. I ventured a greeting in your absence. It would be rude to leave a lady alone," he said slickly. "I am a gentleman, as you know. And our guest is so...interesting." He bowed mockingly to Integra. She merely huffed nonchalantly as if she'd been contending with his particular brand of insubordination for so long that she'd become inured to it.

"She's not been alone. Unlike you, I do not stray from my master's side," Sebastian said in a tone just bordering on this edge of condescending. Alexandra rolled her eyes in Integra's direction as if to apologize for her own servant's discourtesy. Alucard merely lengthened his sneer. The resultant exchange of increasingly threatening looks between the two men was completely ignored by the women.

"My apologies for my tardiness, Your Grace," Integra nodded slightly to her guest, "I've been held up in a meeting."

Alexandra offered a crooked smile in response. She was a little unsure of herself in front of such a commanding presence. "Please don't call me 'Your Grace.' It's unnecessary and wholly inaccurate, I fear. Call me Alex." She offered her hand to the other woman. Integra walked forward and shook it confidently. "And don't worry about the delay. I'm sure you have many things to attend," she spoke sadly, like she regretted not having dedicated her own life to something more worthwhile than her single-minded quest for revenge.

Sebastian might have imagined it, distracted as he was by the oafish vampire, but he could have sworn that Alexandra felt inadequate in the presence of Integra Hellsing. He'd rarely felt her confidence falter. This new development alarmed him. He watched the other woman move to her desk, determined to find a weakness if only for his master's sake.

"Oh, please don't fret your pretty little head, Your Grace. My master may seem to you to be quite the capable leader, but I'm afraid there are many things she lacks." This mindreading business is getting bothersome, Alexandra thought tiredly. Alucard sauntered forth again, his lanky frame positively looming over her as he invaded every millimeter of her personal space. She could feel Sebastian tense—it was like a dense, cold fog had settled upon them. Even Integra looked to him in interest. You've given yourself away, Sebastian. Damnit. She felt suddenly exhausted, but she merely held up her hand to stop her demon from doing anything rash. He'd already done enough. Looking up at Alucard, she determined that she alone should deal with the vampire. It would not do to display weakness when she had come asking for help. He ignored her mental warning and continued: "For example, you are not uninitiated in matters of carnal pleasure, if I'm not mistaken."

"Alucard!"

"Vampire!"

Both Integra and Sebastian had screamed in unison. The vampire merely chuckled, supremely entertained by the fact that he'd so easily upset everyone in the room. Alexandra said nothing at first, lips stretched wide in indulgence. When she spoke, she'd removed all uncertainty from her tone. "I am no uninitiated novice in many matters, Alucard." She brought a hand to rest against his chest and leaned in closer, allowing him to feel the supernatural energy transmitted through her touch. His eyes widened momentarily as he registered the transfer of power, but he said nothing and did not remove her hand, not knowing that she too could extract deeply personal information under certain circumstances. "Or should I call you Vlad?" She sighed heavily for effect. "No, no. That won't do. A man of your stature would prefer Count, correct?" The smirk fell from his face briefly before he replaced it. He then snickered in that amused way of his. "Now, if you're quite finished, I have some business with your master." Alexandra stalked off, leaving the vampire staring after her in some strange combination of annoyance and respect. Sebastian was impressed. His master had managed to put the beast in his place without so much as a binding spell. Maybe I've underestimated her.

Integra motioned to the seat in front of her desk, blue eyes sparkling mischievously from behind her spectacles. Grey plumes curled from the end of her cigar as she trained her gaze on the woman now sitting opposite her. "You've done your research."

"Of course. I would never walk into Hellsing Headquarters without first assessing the situation," Alexandra lied smoothly. She shook her head to decline the cigar that was offered her. "My apologies for my undue familiarity towards your servant, Sir Hellsing."

Integra laughed at that. It was a deep, almost sultry chuckle and Alexandra wondered if the woman had indeed never had a lover. She'd certainly have no problem getting one, she thought. And then she mentally cursed herself, knowing that the vampire had doubtless conjured images of the three of them in a range of compromising positions. Alucard laughed again, confirming these suspicions. Alexandra pinched the bridge of her nose. We need to leave. Soon.

"I've assembled the information you requested. I hope it's helpful." Integra slid a folder across her desk to Alexandra, who thanked her before flipping it open to peruse the contents. She was just about to prompt for more details when the various noises issuing from behind them became too disruptive to disregard. Apparently the servants had not been content to allow their masters converse without interruption. Alexandra whirled around to find wisps of inky smoke rolling off her demon, his pupils snake-like slits focused on the vampire in front of him. Not good.

"Sebastian, what the Hell?"

"Stay out of this, master. This irredeemable lout has just shown me his depraved thoughts."

"You don't give orders. So I'll ask you again: What do you think you're doing?"

"You should see the images he's conjured of you and Sir Hellsing. They're abominable. He means to defile you both." Somehow she doubted that Sebastian found any of Alucard's intentions distasteful, per se. They'd only be distasteful to him since they'd not sprung from his own twisted mind. He was, after all, an inordinately possessive creature - and certainly no stranger to depravity. Oh, I see. This is you being a gentleman. This is not an aggressive display of a pathological need for ownership. Alexandra would have been amused if she didn't suspect that Sebastian's penchant for destruction was directly proportional to his covetousness.

"I'd rather not see, if you don't mind. But I have no doubt that you've characterized them correctly." Integra spoke to the two of them from her chair, cigar dangling casually from her lips, long legs crossed atop the desk. "Alucard can be…gauche." Her eyes flashed warningly at her own servant, the curve of her lips suggesting that she was rather enjoying the fact that he was about to be seriously maimed by an equally powerful being.

"I'll not allow you to insult my master." Sebastian had become a formless shadow that filled the room, his glowing eyes alone giving away his position.

"Damnit, Sebastian. Will you just calm down?" I shouldn't have baited him by flirting with the vampire, she thought. He's like a child who has just had his toy taken away.

"Oh, Your Grace, you should never regret any interaction with me." Alucard said smoothly. He seemed to be itching for a fight, although Alexandra suspected that he was the type that was always itching for a fight. Clearly he was trying to exacerbate the situation via every means available. He looked at her again, wide smile now displaying every last one of his sharp, shark-like teeth. Alexandra wondered briefly what those teeth were capable of. His next words were shot through with wicked delight. "The better to eat you with, my dear."

A number of things happened in quick succession immediately after that. Sebastian had come into possession of Integra's silver letter opener by Summoning it from her desk. Alucard had drawn two impossibly large handguns and pointed them between Sebastian's eyes. The letter opener that the demon flung towards the vampire's heart crashed against the force-field that Alexandra conjured and clattered to the floor. At the same time, Integra emptied her handgun into her charge, putting enough bullet holes in him to cause him to slink to the ground. Alexandra and Integra looked at each other curiously, ignoring Sebastian's disappointed huff and Alucard's angry hissing.

"What a useful trick. You're no ordinary human, are you?" Integra inquired, eyebrow arched in surprise.

"I'm an exorcist."

"And you've contracted a demon. How ironic."

"Yes."

"You're fast."

"I'm in the habit of producing force-fields around Sebastian. He's inordinately fond of projectile weapons."

"Indeed." Integra hesitated, the ghost of a smile alighting her lips. "Alucard was right. You are interesting."

Alexandra laughed. "That's rich, coming from a woman who just shot a vampire like it was nothing."

Integra lifted her hand, displaying her firearm. "These are blessed silver bullets. Like you, I stay prepared. Unfortunately they won't cause him any permanent damage, but they're quite useful as a disciplinary mechanism. I can't have him demolishing my workspace."

She was about to point out the six bullet holes that now decorated Sir Hellsing's wall, but opted not to mention it. Her own home had seen plenty of comparable damage, after all. "I see." Alucard stood up then, and while he was physically unharmed, he did seem completely put out. Alexandra rendered her next thoughts as clearly as she could. You were saying something about your master's shortcomings, Alucard? He growled at her in genuine displeasure then, only to come face to face with Sebastian, who'd insinuated himself between the recovered vampire and his master.

"We should leave, Sebastian. We've caused enough trouble here." Alexandra gathered the papers off Integra's desk, feeling a great deal of regret at not having more time to converse with this most intriguing woman. She had no doubt that they had much in common, but it seemed that the path she'd chosen to walk did not afford her any opportunities to forge friendships. Well, she thought, Sebastian doesn't like to share anyway. "Thank you, Sir Hellsing. I'm very grateful for your assistance."

"It's Integra," the other woman said good-naturedly. "And please call the next time you're in London. We could use your expertise."

"Yes do," Alucard repeated his master's invitation, his recent ordeal having been forgotten, his former bravado fully intact. "I would so love to see...more of you…"

Alexandra didn't hesitate. "Sebastian, I order you to take us home now." Sebastian could do nothing but comply.


'G' is for 'gentleman'. And neither Sebastian nor Alucard can claim to be one.

AN: I hope you enjoyed this. I was tempted to delete the whole damn thing because I thought it too absurd, but I thought better of it when I realized that this story contains such ridiculous elements as a tea-drenched demon and an arachnophobic exorcist (She battles demons, for God's sake, and she's terrified of spiders!). A lewd vampire seemed to be the next logical step. I don't know that Alucard is completely in character, but I took his penchant for causing trouble and ran with it.