Dark Fire
By Moonlitewriter
Moonlitewriter: This song is so damn funny, and so I decided to devote a chappie to it
No Booty Calls by Kelly Likes Shoes
--
Jack was sitting at home at 1 o clock AM, bored as shit, watching how to clean yourself if you're bacon. Well, his home was heaven. Apparently, he was so stupid, he passed the heaven test! But Hannibal is a looooooooooooooooooooooong way down.
All of a sudden Jacks Phone of Heaven rang and he picked up the phone
"Hello?"
Jack said
"Hey it's your ex" Hannibal in a seducing way
said.
"It's one in the morning, what the hell do you
want?" Jack rolled his eyes saying
"Baby I'm horny"
"Oh, so what are you saying, you want to get together?"
"I
want you to come over all dressed up in leather
like you used to
do"
"Back in '02"
"You give me nice dreams,
make me want to scream ooh,
ooh, ooh!'
"Ew
That's
not happening again, that was back then
and now i'm interested
in bigger and better bacon
No
booty calls!
Bean!
No booty calls!
Bean!
That's not
happening!"
"Aw, Jacky, I still got it goin on
I
know you're hot to trot, and I'm warm for your form"
"Wow,
with cliches like that I'm really torn
Your game is played, go
back to your porn"
"You start me up, you make a dead man
come"
"Then you can just drop dead, cause you ain't
gettin
some"
"What happened to the freak who used to
rock my world?"
"Well, the freak's still here, but he's
not your bacon
You broke up with ME"
"I made a
mistake"
"So why don't you just ask me out on a
date?"
"Uh, cuz, uh, tonight's fate"
"Please
No booty calls!"
"Bean!
No booty calls!
That's not
happening!"
"Remember when I hit it in the parking
lot"
"Outside of IHATE?"
"Yeah, that was
hot"
"Thank you, I'm flattered, but it doesn't
matter
I remember that you threw up in the hatecake batter
You've
got a problem, you're drunk all the time
are even you sure that
this phone number's mine?"
"Uhhh…yeah, i…wait,
what?"'
"If that confused you, I'm gonna have to lose
you
go
back to first grade and get yourself a Blue's clue
I
don't even know whatever made me choose you"
"Cuz
we're good together"
"But I can do better"
"But
no one makes you wetter"
"Buddy, you're like cheddar
CHEESY! (white cheddar) "
"You
know I moved out my moms, now I got my own crib"
"That's
funny, that's just where you belong, in a crib"
"You
sayin I'm your baby?"
"I'm sayin you're A baby"
"I'm
not hearin yes or no, I'm hearin maybe"
"Well get your
hearing checked cuz you can't play me"
"If I'm a
player, hate the game, don't hate me"
"That's not how
that phrase goes"
"I know, but you just turn me on, baby,
from my head to
my toes!"
"Jesus Fung, could you at
least be original?
If game was the truth then yours would be
fictional"
"Jacky, I got style and I got class"
"I
got a brand new boot for your ass
No
booty calls!
Bean!"
"Aw come on baby!"
"NO!
No booty calls!
That's not happening! "
"Hey Jacky from the block
I don't just talk the talk
I
walk the walk and I know you like my c–!"
"Hey,
Beanny come lately,
Don't discombobulate me
If you want some
of this you have to properly date me"
"You mean wine and
dine? That's a waste of time
I can spend five dollars and still
get mine"
"Since that's probably all you have, let me
buy you a
hint"
"How's this: go stuff your peehole with a
junior mint"
"Baby all I want to do is make you sweat"
"Let me be
Romeo to your Juliet"
"OK, drink some poison and I'll
stab myself
You'd know that story if you ever took a book off
a
shelf"
"I don't need no book"
"Double
negative, so you do"
"My dick's hard, look"
"That's
pejorative, so rude"
"I don't understand all these big words you use
I don't
need big words cuz I got big shoes"
"Verbally you're a
moron, sexually you're a cling on
I'm more mature now, i need
a mental turn on"
"Baby I got brains, in my root-er-wear
my dick equals mc
squared
BOOM!"
"You need to go back to physics
class
The only brain in your pants is your head up your ass
Check
that, you know, you could be right
cause you do come faster than
the speed of light"
"You must admit I got a load like a
stallion
and I skeet, skeet on with my creamy Italian"
"Ew!
what am I to you, a salad bar?
You like to skeet so much, I need a
bean dick sneeze guard"
"You want some tonight?"
"I
want some never"
"That's not what you said back when we
were together"
"Well that's not happening again, that
was back the
and now i'm interested in smarter, employed beans"
"No booty calls!
Bean!
No booty calls!
That's not
happening!
No booty calls, bean, sorry…"
"Oh, come on,
Jacky, you know I'll treat you right"
"No, don't
interrupt me, no booty calls, OK?"
"Oh, we back on that
again"
"Yeah, we are, because I don't want one"
"Don't
you want to check out my new stereo?"
"I don't think
so"
"I know you'll like it"
"Whatever"
"Come
on, baby, come over"
"No, this phone conversation in
heaven is over.
Bean! "
