A/N-Ayyy here have some more pain also Alex Danvers!
Also Holy fuck so I just finished my exams today so I get to post! Yeet Also I saw infinity war and... yIKE
Alex still has the suit. It's folded up in a cardboard box under her bed, amongst the rest of Kara's stuff that she should probably get rid of but can't.
It's stupid, since she never looks at it. Never touches it. And the knowledge that it's there, cold, unused, under her bed, makes her whole room feel chilled.
Some nights, it's a comfort, a part of her little sister that she can actually keep, the chill is calming on her frantic thoughts, a balm. Kara always said she thought too much, too quickly, too furiously. And she'd been right, of course. Other nights, it scares her, like a spirit is haunting her room. The chill settles into her stomach, clutching and squeezing her lungs, and she can't sleep there so she bundles herself up on the couch.
What would Kara think, if she could see her big sister, now?
She pours herself another glass of water.
Alex doesn't drink. Not anymore, she's not allowed herself to, but her fingers itch for a glass. It's really too bad her body has the habit of making and addict out of her, otherwise she'd be all over that stuff. She misses the veil of haziness that came with it, it was soothing, which might have been why she liked it so much. Still, she's been clean for years now and she's not about to break that streak now.
It's better here, though. Mom had offered for her to move in, after the third year, and Alex had scoffed. What did she think? That she'd say yes? What part of Alex seriously looked as though she wanted to go back and live in her empty, fatherless, sisterless house, with her mother, of all things?!
It's not like she hates her mother, she amends guiltily, but she just can't stand any of it. The way Eliza looks: faint and flimsy like she is going to drift away and can't even be bothered to stop it, and why should she? The way Eliza looks at her: sad and mellow and looks at one daughter, but her eyes still shift to Alex's right to search for the other, after fifteen years.
She hates the way it makes her feel. Like she's not enough.
And nothing is enough anymore.
Eliza had always told her, groomed it into her, that she was the Big Sister. It was always "You're older." "You're responsible." "You have to look out for her." "You have to protect her."
Well she'd tried, hadn't she? At least she can say that.
It's hard to look at Eliza, her mother, after that.
(Because she'd had one fucking job.)
She turns the TV on, just for a little background noise. The first channel that comes on is the news. She flicks past it carelessly, aimlessly. God, when did she become so boring? Skips over the teleshopping, this period drama, more news, a late night talk show. In the end, she comes across an old looking cartoon, and settles herself down, tugging her blanket around tighter.
She has an early start tomorrow, she should get some sleep. Oh well. Alex yawns but her pupils stay transfixed on the screen, eyes unblinking and glazed, letting the bright colours, the noises, wash over her.
It sort of dulls her brain into one flat line of white noise. Lulling it, wearing it down. Which is honestly better. Eventually her eyelids grow heavy and it works. Kind of.
And when she finally opens her eyes again, it's light.
Life at the DEO is normal, or at least as normal as a Department of Extranormal Operations can be. Busy and quiet at the same time. She likes her job, it's steady and exciting and you learn new things all the time, and she doesn't really have anything beyond it.
Is that unhealthy?
Kara would probably think so. Too bad Kara's not here at the moment, she thinks almost viciously, so she can eat her shit. Not here, not gotta say.
Winn is here early today, but then he always is. He probably sleeps here, or something, because she swears she's never seen him clock out, not that they can, really, in their line of work. It's almost comical the fact he used to be another underpaid technician in a media company, and now he's working in the headquarters of some obscure branch if the government with supers and aliens.
"Hey," he says as she enters, "I got the prototypes up for the new long-range artillery, wanna see?"
"Sure."
It's weird. Weird how ordinary life without her sister feels. She's so very used to it, sometimes she even forgets there is a gaping hole at her side.
Because life, for the most part, went on without Kara Danvers. It had to.
He leads her over to the trial training rooms, where a table of new weapons are laid out like a platter at a banquet. Alex takes the first one, assessing it slowly, weighing it in her hand. She readies her stance, takes aim.
"Go for it." Winn prompts.
It's some sort of energy blaster, very efficient, with a target lock on, it almost makes Alex feel lazy. She fires it a few times, satisfied.
"It's good." She replies, handing it back over.
"Yeah, so I've got some new shielding stuff too. I know you were requesting stuff like that." He continues, handing her what looks like a thick bracelet. "It's sort of like energy distribution, rebound tech. I don't know the specifics, obviously, just what the lab techs have been telling me."
He demonstrates it to her by pressing a button, and some sort of holographic shield expands from it, glowing vibrantly. Lightly, Alex touches it but pulls away quickly when she feels the static energy pulsing and pushing back.
"Huh." She says, awed.
Winn nods, "I know. So cool, right?"
"Yeah."
And it's not like Alex doesn't still feel the absence. Because she does. She still, occasionally, turns round to exchange a knowing look with her sister, or expects the super to save her to be Supergirl, and has to stop herself from ordering quadruple the amount of potstickers that she actually needs. But it's fine. It only happens like, maybe, twice a week now.
It's fine.
Kara's graduating and even though it's supposed to be a happy moment, Alex can't help but think she looks kind of sad. Her hands are shaking, even as they hold her diploma tightly-but not too tightly.
"Hey!" She says, sideling up to her sister, "What's up?" Why aren't you happy?
Kara turns around to face her, smile too wide and eyes too dull. "Nothing... I'm just..." She shakes her head. "It's nothing."
"If you say so."
Perhaps it's because she's finally finished school, she thinks. An end of an era, a new chapter in her life, people to say goodbye to, classmates and stuff. Kara's always been such a sentimental. Besides, she can still keep in touch.
Alex sees their mom hug her sister tight and Kara doesn't hug back. Not really. She frowns.
What's going on? Kara loves hugs. They're, like, one of her favourite things.
The weird mood continues all the way up to dinner. It's a big dinner, they've invited Clark and Lois as well, and they're friends from school have they're families joining them at the other tables. They live in a pretty small town, after all, so the restaurant options are kinda limited. Throughout it, Alex observes her sister.
Kara is usually a big eater, enhanced Kryptonian metabolism and all, she usually inhales her food before anyone else manages to see it. Honestly, it's scary. But today she doesn't. She still talks animatedly, responds when people ask her questions, comments on how delicious the food is, but her plate stays full and doesn't seem to get any clearer. In fact, Alex doesn't see her lift her fork her mouth once, and she's pretty sure it's not just because of Kara's superspeed.
So what is really up?
"So Kara," says Lois conversationally, across the table, "What are you planning on doing now that you've graduated? College? University? Or are you gonna jump straight in for a job?"
The carefully placed smile on her sister's face falls, and Alex only then realises how tightly she's been holding it.
It's replaced a few seconds later, however.
Sunny, sunny Kara Danvers.
"I'm not really sure yet." Kara shrugs, smiling and not meeting anyone's eyes, "I'll be by myself though, so I guess I'll have to decide soon. A job's more practical though, isn't it?"
It takes a while before the words sink in.
Alex has a routine now. Almost everyday, after work, she goes to this little coffee shop, just down the street from her apartment. She's heard it's not good for agents to get stuck in a predictable schedule, but it's fine. Nothing's happened yet, and she doesn't particularly care. Not really.
The shop is called Ambrosia, and everytime she goes, she gets a chocolate mocha. It's the simple pleasures in life that go a long way, even if everyone thinks she only drinks espresso shots or straight black. She even knows the baristas on schedule, and they remember he name too.
Monday's to Thursday's is Charlie, with his bubbly personality and who is somehow still nice and polite even when Alex is grumpy. Today's Friday, though, which means it's Linda, with her cool, funny attitude and exchanging smirking glances with her because the two awkward teenagers that are always in before her still haven't gotten together yet.
It's raining today, heavily, so Linda ushers her into the seat beside the radiator, even though she usually just takes her coffee to go. Still, she won't exactly complain. She shrugs off her dripping jacket onto the back of the chair and rubs her numb hands together by the radiator, feeling the warm pain thaw through her fingers.
Her phone buzzes on the table, but it's her personal phone, not her work phone, it's not urgent and for some reason she just can't will herself to pick it up. For a while, she just sort of stares at it, despondently.
A moment later, Linda returns with her chocolate mocha, good and warm and perfectly sweet smelling, and a double chocolate muffin on a plate, and plops herself down in the seat opposite.
"What's that?" Alex asks stupidly, staring blankly at the sweet.
"Muffin," replies Linda, pushing the plate towards her pointedly. "Whilst it's still hot, please."
Alex blinks at it for a couple seconds more, before reaching out to take it, "I can't," she says even as she unwraps the paper casing from the sides of the sponge, "You shouldn't have. How much is this?"
Linda rolls her eyes. "It's on the house, just don't tell Charlie." And then she gives her an assessing look up and down, "Besides, you looked like you needed it."
"Thanks, I guess," Alex replies, bringing the muffin up to her lips and taking a bite. It's amazing, of course it is. Delightfully sweet with little melted chocolate chips.
Her phone buzzes again, vibrating on the table and the her chocolate mocha with it.
"You gonna get that?" Linda asks, after a beat.
"Nah." She shakes her head, and instead starts on her coffee, cupping the mug in her hands.
Whatever it is, it can probably wait.
"Long day, huh?" guesses Linda, leaning back in her own seat and pulling out a packet of chips from her apron somewhere.
And, well, she's not wrong, exactly. But it's been no longer than yesterday or any other day before that, she just... She honestly just can't be bothered, really.
"Yeah," she replies anyway.
Her phone buzzes again. Seriously? Don't people know by now not to call her from her personal? Especially if it's not urgent? She sighs, and her thumb finds the lock button, turning it off deftly without bothering to look.
"What if it's an emergency?" Linda says, raising her a conspiratory eyebrow and munching on another chip.
She waves it away dismissively. "It won't be."
They talk for a little while. Alex is tired but this is just... nice. Perhaps she should do it more often, instead of just always trudging home to her empty apartment. It's probably a lot healthier as well, save all the chocolate. Mentally and stuff.
Anyways, apparently Charlie has gotten a new boyfriend, and Linda scoffs at it because it's his third one this month, and honestly it's like a revolving door. The good news, though, is that Damien, their boss, is going to give them a raise and, well, more money is almost always good.
It's quite a bit later when Alex finally stumbles back into her apartment, kicking off her boots amongst the cluttered pile of other haphazardly paired shoes.
She takes a hot shower and dries off quickly, before settling into the couch and turning on the TV, like last night. It's her routine, you see.
With a frown, she remembers her phone, and reluctantly goes to fish it out of her jacket pocket, fingers fumbling as she switches it on. She grabs herself a glass of water before she makes her way back to the couch, waiting for her phone to finish turning on. It always takes forever.
By the time she's sat back down, blanket strewn over her and everything, she looks at the phone, bright glare of the screen making her squint just a little.
Huh.
Two missed calls from Mom, and seven from Clark. Well, okay then.
She calls Mom back first, listening to the dial tone listlessly as it rings on and on. Eliza doesn't pick up, not the first time or the second time. She sighs.
Typical.
She suppresses the quiet irritation building up in her chest and dials Clark's number instead.
He picks it up after two tones.
"Alex? Where the fuck have you been?" his voice comes out rushed and strained and harsh. Alex bristles immediately at it.
"What do you mean, where the fuck have I been? Jesus, I don't answer my phone one time and you all act like I've gone and offed myself. Calm the fuck down." Because honestly, maybe Linda was right. You know what? It has been a long day, and excuse her is she wants a little time to herself where she's not fucking being screamed at. She's a grown woman, damn it.
On the other end of the line, she hears Clark breathing raggedly, forcefully slowing down. "Right," he mumbles, after a moment. "Sorry about that. It's just-"
"What?" She demands impatiently. She's just so tired.
Clark swallows thickly, and then he coughs, clearing his throat. "It's just... can you come to the Midvale Infirmary? Eliza's in the emergency room."
It's later that night, when they're back in their shared room, Kara's hung up her graduation gown, her diploma is placed carefully on her desk, and Alex catches her sister gazing forlornly around the room, that she finally talks.
"What's up?" she asks again, sitting herself next to Kara on her bed. "I thought you'd be glad high school's done with."
"I know. It's nothing, really," Kara insists, turning an annoyed look on her sister, "Stop asking me, okay?"
And Alex would, really, and maybe she even probably should. It's not like she wants to deliberately annoy her sister- well, at least not all the time- but she knows her sister. And she's an abysmal liar. Like, seriously, it's terrible.
"Kara," she says, in her authoritative big-sister voice, "Come on. Just tell me."
It's a warm clear night tonight, cloudless, and the stars are glittering in full force. Alex thinks about all the times she's caught Kara staring out at it when she thinks nobody is looking, or that fateful night on the roof and them flying, and Kara had pointed out constellations and then where Krypton should have been, had been, once.
She hears Kara take a deep, shuddering breath then, resolve melting. She sighs. "I don't want to leave," she says, finally. "I'm sorry."
For a minute, Alex is confused. "What do you mean, you 'don't want to leave? As in, you don't want to leave school? What are you talking about?"
Kara laughs wetly, not facing her, and with a jolt, she realises that she's crying. "Yeah, no. It's not about that."
"Then what?" she frowns, but she wraps her arm around Kara's shoulder and pulls her into her side, and her sister gives into it easily.
She feels her shrug, and then, "I like it here, you know? I just do. I like Eliza, the house, the people that live here. Even you, even if you're annoying." And then it seems to just come running out of her, escaping from her brain to her lips. "I don't want to leave. I like it- I love it here. It's like home. And next month, legally, I'll be considered an adult, and I just... I really like this family and I don't want to leave, and soon... And soon you won't have to take care of me anymore. Because I'll be an adult and I'll have to live by myself, and you won't have to take care of me anymore."
It takes a minute or so before Alex manages to unscramble the jumble of thoughts that have come tumbling out of her sister's mouth. And Kara is still crying, tears dampening her shirt.
How long has her sister been thinking about this?
Alex chokes out a weak laugh then, wiping her eyes roughly with the backs of her hands because, oh, she's crying too. "Don't be stupid, Kara," she says roughly, forcefully, "Don't be an idiot. You'll always be part of our family, Kara. El Mayarah, and all that. You'll always be my sister, okay?"
"All right." Kara relaxes against her, sniffling a little. "Okay."
Kara brings her pillow from her bed and squishes in beside her that night, like when she was twelve and alone and mourning, and they were barely sister's. Alex pulls her arms around her sister tightly, allowing her to snuggle in close, and her mind thinks fiercely, that she has to protect this. Her family.
It kind of a trip to get from National City to Midvale, so it's almost 2AM by the time she arrives, even in her DEO issued car.
She spots Clark easily in the waiting room, with his big awkward frame, trying to appear as small as possible whilst pacing up and down and up. He meets her eyes, gaze intense but tired. They're all so fucking tired.
"Hi," she says, trying to stifle the strange stilted tension between them, "How... How is she?"
"I'm not sure," he replies, drawing in a breath, " I... she's been in there for a couple of hours now. Nobody's really told me anything."
"What happened?"
Clark looks at her, briefly, before shifting his gaze quickly, looking at everything else but her. "Did you... do you know..." and then he stops, turning to face her resolutely, "Alex, your mom has-"
"Cancer, I know," she replies, cutting him off.
"What? but-" Clark stammers, astounded for a second.
"But what? Mom said she didn't want to tell me, right? So how would I know?" She lets out a harsh laugh, and practically snarls, "Clark, she's my mother, I think I'd know if she has fucking lung cancer."
Everything is falling apart. It has been for a long time.
(Fifteen years, right?)
The sit in terse silence then, in the hospital waiting room. It's too bright, too white, and the lumpy seats are this ugly dirty coral colour, which might look nice in any other context but here it just makes her want to throw up. She digs her nails into the smooth plastic-y surface of the chair, scratching scars into it almost erratically.
At around half-past, Eliza is still in the emergency room somehow, and Clark stands up abruptly. She stares at him blankly and he falters for half a second under it before he straightens quickly again.
"I gotta..." he trails off, looking anxiously at the door. "There's someone..."
Right. He's still Superman, after all. He has to go save the people.
"You gotta suit up," she finishes for him. "Okay. Good luck then, I guess."
"Thanks," he replies, before rushing away. Quickly, but not too quickly.
And something in her heart clenches.
(It's a little strange. Can you still be a big sister, if you don't even have a sister?)
Alex still has the suit. It's folded up in a cardboard box under her bed.
It shouldn't be under her bed. It should be under Kara's.
Only Kara doesn't have a bed anymore.
A/N- Next up... we're back to the mcu (finally ikr) so yay (and also more pain obvs )
Also yea I've been kinda into the cyclic structure thing recently idk
