IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE MOST RECENT UPDATE, IT'S ACTUALLY THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER. GO BACK *waves hands* GO BACK.
A/N: This isn't the chapter I thought I would be posting next, and I apologise if it makes things slightly confusing. I have written the chapter I said would be next (continuation of the previous one) but I'm not sure if I like it or not so I have one of my best people on the case and I'm waiting on feedback so that I know whether to curl into a ball of disconsolation because 'what the hell happened to my writing?' O_o (for the record, I'm struggling to write even though I have two pages of plots and several WIPs and everything I've published in the last three or four months has felt forced and rubbish and more just so that I felt I was actually writing stuff and so you didn't all forget me). When I do upload the chapter this ought to have been, I'll change the order around so that they make sense.
Anyway, here is a chapter that I am actually quite pleased with but feel free to disagree and now, more than ever, I welcome constructive criticism or even just general comments on characters/writing style etc. because I honestly feel that I've lost something.
Whining over, here is a Kili chapter because it's been pointed out that I neglect him quite a bit. And, because I do actually have an opinion on this, it is the Autumn of 2901, not that it in any way affects the story. Finally, I won't go into detail about my personal theories on dwarf aging etc but Kili is roughly 11/12 and Fili would be sort of 14/15.
Edit: as I said I would, I have now posted the chapter which ought to have been done before this one and have therefore updated the chapter order so that this chapter, whichwaschapter 7, is now as you see it, chapter 8. I hope that makes sense...
Kili's POV
To think the day had begun so well – feasting and the most glorious party to celebrate Thorin's having been leader of our people for six decades! And now this. But he had said it. Fíli finally said it!
Nobody spoke for what seemed like the longest time. Seasons changed – whole kingdoms must have fallen into ruin before anybody spoke again. It seemed as though nobody dared so much as breathe! My heart felt as though it was in my throat – the silence pressed down upon me, deafening me, freezing me where I sat, suffocating me before –
"I beg your pardon?" It was not my uncle who broke the silence. Mama, still in her finery and looking every bit the princess she had been, stepped forward. "Fíli?" she leant across the table top and placed her hand atop my brother's, her expression so unrecognisable from the earlier celebrations that I could not stand to look at her. "What do you mean?"
I glanced at my uncle who had barely moved but to set his drink down; looking at him was no better. It was not I who had incurred his anger and yet every instinct in me that was not telling me to do everything in my power to defend my brother and his decision was telling me to flee the room and not stop until I reached the temporary safety of Mr Balin's house. He sat so rigidly he barely seemed to be breathing! The air around him fairly thrummed with the enormity of his rage. Though his eyes had not left Fíli 's – and any other time, I might have been proud of my brother for holding his gaze so unwaveringly – Thorin gazed at him as though seeing him for the first time. He blinked and I hoped to Mahal that I had imagined the miniscule tightening of his jaw. My uncle has something of a talent for making even the slightest change in expression feel truly monumental. Thorin raised his chin slightly, eyes still on my brother. Unnoticed, I felt myself shrink into my chair a little further.
"I…" finally, Fíli dragged his gaze away from our uncle and instead turned to Mama, grasping one of her hands in his trembling ones, "I don't want it. I don't…Mother, I don't want to be king."
"Well, of course, not for many years Fíli but – "
"Ever."
She laughed then. Tight and disbelieving and with a familiar glance at Uncle as if to say 'do you hear what nonsense your nephews are spouting now? What am I to do with them?' She withdrew her hand, Fíli's face fell a fraction more, and for a moment, I hated her.
"You don't know what you are saying, Fíli."
And so I hated her a moment longer.
"I do."
He did. He had thought of nothing else but this since Mr Balin had mentioned in our lessons – as though it were the most natural thing in the world – that Thorin would soon be asked to recognise Fíli formally as his heir. No amount of wheedling or teasing had been able to draw my big brother from the spiralling dread he had entered into since that announcement. It had been days before he had even dared broach the subject with me and even then it had been blurted out in response to my incessant mocking. He had gone white as a sheet and begged me to speak of it to nobody – 'I just need more time! Just a little longer until I tell them, Brother, please!' – and after that I had known it was only a matter of time before he did so. We had discussed and practiced what he would say, what Mama and Uncle would say, and how they would respond for weeks now. The longest weeks of my whole life!
I thought we had been ready.
I thought they would understand. I told him they would understand.
Mother made an odd whimpering noise behind one hand. "Fíli …" was all she said then, hand stopping just short of stroking my brother's cheek as her eyes searched his and found no hint of what she sought. Suddenly, she withdrew her hand and straightened, turning immediately to our uncle. As one, my brother and I turned back to our uncle. Within moments, Fíli's stare, along with his hands, dropped to his lap and I watched as several fat tears splashed upon his folded hands. As I surreptitiously reached out one hand beneath the table to wipe the splashes away, he seized my hand in his with such desperation I wanted to drag him away to the haven of our room where he would not see Mama's disappointment or Uncle's so calmly concealed fury. Reluctantly – and attempting in vain to ignore the trembling of my brother's jaw – I dragged my gaze back to Thorin. I don't know whether it was the resumed silence in the room or the speed at which he did it but our uncle's suddenly launching himself out of his seat and away from us all still made both myself and my brother cringe away from him as though we might be hit.
"Uncle – " Fíli began in the smallest of voices, one hand still holding on to mine so tightly that it hurt. At the same time, our mother turned too, stepping towards her brother with a surprisingly calm "Thorin?"
"Get him out of my sight."
I felt Fíli's hand go lax in mine, every part of him deflated like a burst skin.
"Uncle," Fíli whispered beside me, "Please."
"Sister…"
Mother dithered for a second but taking in the way my uncle's back positively shook with barely controlled rage, she beckoned Fíli up, bodily lifting him from his chair when he shook his head.
"No," he protested, pulling himself from her grip and gesturing desperately towards Thorin, "Mother – Mama – if he'd only let me explain, I – "
"DÍS!"
At Thorin's bellow, Fíli cast one last distraught look at each of us before fleeing the room as fast as his legs could have carried him. I don't know why I didn't follow him. When he had gone, the room seemed to shrink in upon itself until there was nought left but me, my uncle's rage and mother's devastation; the air filled with such tension that for a moment I thought I would explode from…from…I couldn't even have said what I felt. I was utterly miserable, that much was certain. I almost resented Fíli for ruining the day with such an announcement. Almost. Mostly I was glad he had finally got it over with. At least now that our family knew, they might be able to come to some agreement; preferably one that did not involve Fíli being cast out for good – I'd go with him if it did, just let them try to stop me! Why shouldn't Fíli have had his say? Tonight was as good as any other time! His abdication was never going please Mother and Uncle Thorin so why shouldn't he have spoken up today?
It had taken such bravery! Such courage for my big brother to speak his mind even though he knew they would despise hearing it! Wasn't that what Mr Balin was trying to drill into us both? Sometimes, as leaders, one has to speak the truth whether others will like it or not. Really, Mother and Thorin ought to be proud. I certainly was; I had never been so proud of my big brother in all my life!
So why hadn't I said that to begin with? Why had I not spoken up? I had never had such trouble before! I was incensed at my own cowardice! It seemed every day now that I found myself just about ready to take up arms against my uncle at the slightest disagreement blown out of all proportion; I daresay I would have were it not for the complete certitude of my humiliating defeat. Was I truly so terrible a brother that I would bring Thorin's anger down upon myself (and Fíli, since he never could stay out of it for too long) for even the most ridiculous things but would not dare to even voice my support when my own, most beloved brother defied our uncle on so colossal an issue as this? And then of course was my mother! I could hardly believe she could have been so heartless as to side with Thorin over her own son. She glanced at my uncle, twisting the rings around her fingers before stopping and going to his side. He barely turned his head as she raised one hand to his back, resting her chin on his shoulder and murmuring words that I could not make out. After a moment, she drew back and Thorin nodded slowly, letting out a sigh so immense his entire body seemed to deflate.
I, on the other hand…My whole body felt stiff and squirmy – I wanted to crawl out of own skin! I had to say something, do something! Fíli would never have stayed silent if our places were reversed. I picked at my clothing, wondering whether I could just slip out the door without them even noticing. I was ust as much Fili's brother as he was mine! Did I not owe him the same bravery and support he always, without fail showed me? Maybe I ought just to hold my tongue. Like as not, I was only going to make everything worse. My eyes burned.
"How could you do that?" I blurted out before I could stop myself.
"Kíli …" my mother dragged out my name – a warning evident in her tone.
"No!" I surprised even myself, slamming my fist down upon the table as I rounded it to meet them – I had started now, might as well be done with it. "How could you?!"
"Kíli, inùdoy, please. This does not concern you," Mama raised her hands as if to cup my face but I ducked away. She sighed. "You do not understand."
I snorted at that – everybody's answer to everything. 'You do not understand, Kíli'. Even Fíli had been known to Dismiss me thus. It never failed to make my blood boil. To my family and to those closest to us, I was always too young, too unworldly, too much the archer, too much Fíli's baby brother, too much the youngest son, too much my father's son. How was it possible that I could always be 'too much' of anything and yet never be enough?! I would make them see – I would never be too much or too little of anything not to defnd my brother when he needed it…I was just a little late in doing so.
"I understand that – " I paused, scrabbling for words in the wake of my staggering distress. Scowling at my uncle's refusal even to acknowledge me as I spoke and acutely aware that despite my having grown a good inch or so this year he still towered over me, I stood behind him, shaking from my righteous anger that he could treat my older brother this way. He would listen. I would make him listen. "I understand," I began again, and though my voice was still a little tremulous, it grew stronger and louder with each breath, "that you care more about your people than about Fíli. They don't need an heir – they have you! He doesn't want this! He doesn't want to be king. Why can't you see that? WHY DON'T YOU CARE?!"
"ENOUGH!"
He whirled around to face me so quickly that in my shock I tripped over my own feet and landed sprawled on the floor, one hand flying to where I had thumped my head rather spectacularly against my mother's discarded chair on my way down. Though half dazed by the pain, I heard her shocked cry of "Oh, Kíli!" and felt her kneeling at my side, pulling me to her chest and stroking my sore head, soothing tears that I had not intended to shed, comforting me when I did not wish to be comforted! Not by her at least. Through vision that danced and swirled and swam before me I was just able to discern the immediate change in my uncle's demeanour as he crouched before me, one hand righting the chair before reaching out to grasp my shoulder that was not currently pressed tightly up against my mother.
"Kíli?" He shook his head with a sigh when I didn't answer him, instead opting to press my face further into my mother's comfort. "Are you very hurt?" he asked and I wanted to sob all the harder for the fact that this was exactly the sort of concerned understanding they ought to have shown Fíli earlier. Despite my loyalty for my brother however, every inch of me wanted in that moment to stay there forever with my mother's urgent hushing and her embrace and my uncle's familiarly fierce concern and his warm hand rubbing up and down my arm. Suddenly however I caught movement in the corner of my eye, an indistinct shadow in the darkness of the hallway, which swam and wavered as I looked at it. My heart froze for a second and I closed my eyes, willing away the tears and the throbbing pain as I pushed myself upright, out of Mama's arms and back to the plunging depths of fear and uncertainty to which I had become so accustomed to this past week since Fíli had confided in me. I scrubbed one arm across my face and tried to summon some self-control.
"He's scared," I said, feeling my heart sink as Thorin's face hardened and he lurched to his feet once more. Sniffing, I turned to my mother who was still stroking my hair gently. "Mama, he's so scared."
I never could quite decipher the look that passed between them then, but Mama kissed my head and murmured, "I know, Kíli," in my ear. Then Uncle was lifting me to my feet and refusing to look me in the eye and suddenly I was being ushered into the darkened hall with a firm "It is late, Kíli, you ought to be asleep" which was just about close enough to another 'you don't understand, Kíli' for me to feel justified in giving the parlour door a harsh kick as Mama closed it. The raised eyebrowed look she gave me as she flung it open again was enough to send me scarpering down the corridor to my room.
As I reached it however, I paused and glanced back up the corridor. The parlour door had crept open slightly again and a thin sliver of flickering light was being cast towards me. I hesitated a moment then shrugged to nobody in particular – eavesdropping becomes a necessary and instinctual skill when one's family refuse to treat you like an adult until you actually are one. I turned and tiptoed slowly back up the hall, careful to keep out of the light.
Standing in the shadow, my head pressed against the wall as I peered through the crack, I could see them. I nearly lost the breath I had been holding. They stood together – my mother and her big brother – his arms around her, head bowed against hers as she spoke. I didn't think she was crying but I didn't think I had ever seen her look so heartbroken in all my life. Well, perhaps during the winter when each of us had in turn fallen foul of some sickness that had taken more than its fair share of our people with it. Still, her eyes seemed far away, as though she wasn't seeing what was before her, and she clutched at my uncle's forearm as if it were a lifeline. I could not make out what she was saying save for snatches here and there but one would have to be an elf not to be able to guess. I heard mentions of names I knew – Thrain, mostly – and several times Mama stopped speaking altogether and when she did Thorin's low rumble would fill the silence though I hadn't the faintest idea what he said, buried as his words were in my mother's hair.
"Tali never wanted this for them," my mother suddenly raised her face; drawing back to look into Thorin's for a long moment.
"No, he didn't," Uncle agreed, his gaze fixed on some unoccupied corner of the room. At the mention of my father I had crept closer, so close that if either of them were to look my way they were certain to see me but…still, they so rarely spoke of him, and this was so important a subject. It felt as though if I could only know his opinion on it then the whole matter would be settled.
"But he accepted it."
Uncle made a non-committal noise in his throat. "As I recall we hardly gave him much choice in the matter."
"But he did," Mama insisted, stepping back completely and taking my uncle's face in her hands. She hesitated, presumably waiting for him to look at her. "When he…passed, I never questioned – not once – what he intended when he gave our sons to you. He meant that, Thorin. No councillors forcing his hand, no cousins of ours whispering in his ears, no…no us demanding it of him. Brother, he gave them to you – everything that my sons are and everything they will be – and he did it freely. And you have never doubted that before now."
I bit my lip, knowing in all certainty that I should not – was never intended to – hear such deeply private things spoken about my father. And as if that were not bad enough, my absolute belief in my uncle's inability to be shaken by anyone or anything was about to be shattered.
"But they have never looked at me as they did tonight," he stepped away from her and I knew he was looking to where Fíli and I had sat earlier. He shook his head as though clearing it. "As though…how could he think that of me? Of us, Dís? That I would – that I could – force him? Or that you would ever allow me to do so?" Suddenly, he turned towards the door and I ducked into the shadows behind it, hoping against hope that I had not been spotted. There was movement in the parlour and I considered fleeing to the relative safety of my room but reflected that they knew I was here – running away would do no good now. Still, I squished myself further into the darkness, pressed my eyes together and held my breath and somehow – miraculously – the footsteps receded and I heard a chair being dragged out from under the table, a heavy weight dropping into it with a sigh. "We should not have to force him."
I peered through the gap again and, though my view of them was mostly obscured now I could just make out Thorin's huge form at the table, head resting in one hand. Beside him, my mother reached out and took his hand into hers; he looked up at her, his mouth just briefly softening into a smile I had only ever seen bestowed upon her. I could not see her face but I assumed she had returned the smile and he suddenly heaved a great sigh as she reached out one hand and drew his head in to rest against her stomach, leaning over him and murmuring to him as she often did with us. I felt colour rising in my cheeks. Though I was still angry with them both, still fearful and despairing for my brother I felt as though I had never seen more intimate a scene between them and my being there felt wrong. I fidgeted for a minute, waiting to see if they would say anything else but when they did not speak I turned and crept as quietly as I could back down to my bedroom.
Fíli's breathing hitched and he looked up as I entered. His face looked blotchy, his eyes red and sore looking but dry. I didn't speak. We stared at one another. Suddenly, he gave an almighty sniff and beckoned me over with a nod of his head. I practically hurled myself across the room and onto our bed, burying my face in his stomach and wrapping both arms about him.
"Kíli?" he asked thickly, shifting beneath me to get a better look. "Are you all right?" When I didn't answer, he pulled me closer to himself, one hand holding my arm across his waist and the other moving to brush hair back from my face. "Shh," he murmured, and I wanted to laugh because honestly, wasn't he the one who needed comforting? But he repeated it, as he always did, rubbing my arm gently just like our uncle did. The blanket beneath us was scrunched up and damp with tears where Fíli had been left all alone to console himself while I had been able to shout and rage and be hugged and comforted even though I was only injured through my own clumsiness because if our Uncle wanted to strike me then well, I had given him so much better reasons in the past and he had never done so and I should have come and found Fíli in here so much sooner than I had done and I wanted to wail and laugh and scream all at once because I had never been so grateful in my entire life to be the youngest! And suddenly: "Shhhh, Kíli, what happened?"
I hiccupped and sat up a little, suddenly aware that I had been all but sobbing into his stomach and that if I felt this wretched at the unfairness of all this then my poor brother would feel it tenfold. I sat back from him, trying my hardest to calm down because absolutely the most selfish thing I could possibly have done was to come in here and act as though this was about me and how afraid and miserable it was all making me. And that was exactly what I seemed to have done. Fíli shifted us both around until he was still mostly sat up but I could rest against his stomach where he could see me. Through eyes that felt like I had cried for a decade, I could see his face gazing at me as though I was the only person in the world who had ever encountered this sort of upset. And maybe I was, because my anguish was nothing compared to his and maybe nobody ever had felt this way – maybe Fíli truly was the first descendant in any royal line to have ever rejected the throne.
"I banged my head," I admitted, suddenly becoming aware of the fact that my head might split open at any moment.
"I heard you scream," he nodded, and I knew without a doubt that it had been him in the hallway come to see what horror had befallen me.
"Didn't scream."
He smiled a little at my indignant mumbling but then frowned. "Where did you hit it?"
"On one of the chairs in the…" I trailed off, realising what he meant before leaning forward and guiding his hand over the sorest part of my skull. He made a soft noise of sympathy before urging me down again.
"I think you're going to have a tremendous scar," he informed me.
"Really?"
He smiled – properly this time – and shook his head, ruffling my hair a little. "No, Kíli. If you were but a few years older you'd barely have felt it!"
I tried not to sulk too much at that. And really, it wasn't hard because no sooner had Fíli ascertained that I was indeed still in one piece than he was pushing me back down and looking as forlorn as I could ever recall seeing him.
"So…"he began, not looking at me anymore, "Are they…I suppose they're both still very angry?"
I frowned, considering it for a few moments. They certainly seemed angry but… "I think they're disappointed and…sad."
Fíli's face crumpled. "Kíli! Oh, Kíli, that's worse! Don't you see how much worse that is?" he covered his face with one hand, before adding so quietly that I was unsure if he was even speaking to me, "I should never have said anything."
I had no answer to that. I wondered if telling him what I had overheard would help – whether knowing that our father had knowingly given us (him) over to this destiny would make him feel better or worse. Or that our Uncle had as good as said that if Fíli continued to refuse then he would not force the issue but that it was some failing on Fíli's part that they should have to force it. I wriggled closer to him and squeezed my arms back around his waist. Since I had nothing else to offer, no words of wisdom or comfort that would make any difference whatsoever, I told him. He was quiet for a long while afterwards, one hand running distractedly through my hair.
"You heard them say all of this?"
I nodded. "Maybe they'll listen tomorrow," I murmured, craning my head to look into his face, "Maybe Uncle will understand."
"Maybe," he agreed, frowning.
Through my haze of exhaustion – Fíli had fallen asleep several hours ago but I was determined to stay wakeful and watchful lest somebody upset him further – I was aware of footsteps approaching and stopping outside our door. I tried not to tense too much. Fíli needed to stay asleep – he needed to! – he needed to sleep so that he could stand and face our uncle in the morning and not flinch or tear up as I had so that our uncle could see my brother was not acting the petulant child. He was a grown up, making a decision over his future. But also – and I tried not to think on it over much - I didn't think I could take any more shouting that night. I was sorry for my brother, truly I was but I felt as though one more angry word from any of us would set me to bawling for the rest of my life! So I remained still and quiet and tried to keep breathing even though I wanted to hold my breath and bury my face in Fíli's shirt and pray to Mahal that they would just go away.
No such luck. The door opened slowly and I just had time to make out my mother's face and uncle's silhouette before the candle between them was extinguished. Plunged into darkness once more I could not help but jump when a hand landed upon my shoulder and a voice in my ear murmured, "Come here to me, Kíli."
As much as I knew I ought to refuse – at least protest – I was defenceless to that voice, the warm strength in the hands that were now gently extricating me from my brother, and almost without conscious thought I found myself slipping from the bed and set on the floor beside my mother. With her arm around my shoulders, I could just make out the dim figure of my uncle leaning across the bed towards my brother. I wanted to warn Fíli, wanted to stamp and order them out of our room again but I couldn't. I hadn't the strength in me to do so anymore that night and really, as I watched Uncle pull Fíli from his wedged-against-two-walls position and lay him down on the bed with barely a whimper of protest from my brother, I realised I hadn't the reason. Fíli came awake slowly, and then all at once, barely opening his eyes before they became wide as saucers as he set eyes on our uncle.
"Uncle?" this said with a cringe as he began to sit up only to be stopped by Thorin's hand urging him back down.
"In the morning," Thorin said quietly and with a heavy sigh, "We shall…we shall talk in the morning."
Fíli glanced at Mama and me, back to Thorin, then down at his pillow; he nodded quickly, pressing his lips together and tuning his face into the pillow. Thorin stood, made as though to stroke Fíli's hair but thought better of it and turned back to us. Mama bent and pressed a kiss to my head before passing Thorin and silently laying down facing Fíli on the bed. Quite suddenly, I found myself airborne as I was plucked from the floor and carried away from the bed, my feet dangling some two feet off the floor. Some part of me recognised and was vaguely outraged by what a liberty my uncle was taking – I was almost 40 years old! Too old to be carted about on my uncle's hip like some wee dwarfling who could not be trusted to walk for themselves. Still, the larger part of me was still shaken by the evening's quarrel and was too grateful that it seemed to be over for now to be anything other than glad to be held, safe and secure in Uncle's arms as I had been so many times before. Indignant or not, I pressed my face into his neck – just for a moment.
Behind us, I heard Mama commanding quietly, "Hush, inùdoy, come to me," and I chanced a look back over Uncle's shoulder. Mama raised one hand to remove my brother's hands from where he was attempting to hide his face from her and I just had time to glimpse Fíli wriggle forward to be quickly wrapped up in our mother's arms before Uncle and I were back out in the corridor and the door was shut with a soft 'thunk'.
