Smiling Equals... Chapter 8

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Dear Tsunayoshi,

Do not give up.

Sincerely, Grandfather

My brows scrunched up.

I had given up a long time ago.

I opened today's mail.

Dear Tsunayoshi,

Continue to move forward.

Sincerely, Grandfather

I shook my head. Stupid old man, there's no forward to go to in the first place.

Short and perfect print as always.

Random and useless advice as always.

I had first started getting these letters immediately after mom's disappearance. Of course I was a paranoid wreck and assumed that these letters and her disappearance were somehow connected. I was too afraid to even leave the house back then. Nearly starved to death. But I moved on, realizing that it didn't matter how or why she disappeared, and these letters were the only proof of my existence now that she was gone. No one could see me then and these letters had let me know that I did actually exist even if it was only in the eyes of a pedo.

But I don't need them anymore. I haven't needed them for a long time.

I woke up this morning stiff on the cold tile floors. My first thought, damn, I left the bathroom light on.

I wasn't confused about how I ended up sleeping there that night. I had cried and laughed myself to sleep, somewhat choking a bit in the process. My eyes were gummy and I took my time picking away enough eye buggers to crack them open. Getting my nonexistent muscles to move was a struggle but I managed to stand somewhat upright.

Looking in the mirror, I saw a mess. Dried snot and tear streaks, my hair was more tangled than it's ever been. My eyes puffy and blood shot and this was just my face. Not mentioning the awkward position I had to keep my arms, neck, and back because of the stiffness and the way my school clothes looked, I was sure I stinked. I would've known for sure if my nose wasn't so clogged up.

I took a hot shower and smothered my hair down with my hands.

The only real surprise that morning was that I woke up five hours earlier than I should have, an extra hour if you counted what time I really got up at.

I had too much time on my hands and the thoughts I was trying to avoid were starting to rise up.

I cleaned. I flushed the toilet, still seeing puke in the bowl, then scrubbing it spotless. Moved to the front door, picking up my bag anything else that was down there and shouldn't be, then headed upstairs to my room to drop them off. I did skim through the hand book I was given just to see just how many rules I've broken. Surprisingly few and that's just because of how many rules there actually were. But the rules I did break seemed to be the major ones and not a part of the made up crap. I really doubt anyone would care if you bought two milk cartons from the cafeteria instead of one. Though, the only time I've actually broken and entered the school was once, and that was to get away from mom. She was having another one of her moments.

I fixed my bed, then left. There wasn't much to do on there since I didn't have anything else besides a desk I didn't use and a short table. I did used to have a book case, but all that thing did was collect dust.

I put in a new load of laundry and folded the ones that were in the dryer. It wasn't much since I'm the only one who lives in this house so the clothes never really pile up.

Did the dishes, cleaned the sink, wiped down the counters, opened the empty fridge, closed the empty fridge, opened it again and seeing it still empty, I scrubbed it out. Mostly dust since I don't put anything in there that could spill or leak. The ramen bowls and noodles take up all the cabinet space. Just because I somewhat clean doesn't mean I can cook, I suck terribly at it actually. So I obviously limited the whole cooking experience to a onetime thing only. I didn't want to waste the money I did have on fire damages. Besides, the noodles did taste good, and if I wanted snacks there's a convenience store nearby. I could walk.

I moved around the furniture in the living room so I could sweep under them. The couch was ratty and old, the only thing that didn't match the rest of the house. I've tried to get rid of it but it takes forever to carry and it won't fit through the front door. There used to have a normal green couch but it was pawned off some time ago, along with the TV. Mom kept passing out in the living room so I got this couch for her from some weird guy off the street, in return I gave him a pack of beer, so I wouldn't have to keep lugging her body to the upstairs bedroom. I still had the TV stand and the coffee table, but that made up the majority of the living room. Well, there's also the ceiling fan and lights. I swept up the rest of the house then mopped just the kitchen and bathrooms.

It had only just turned light outside. I could see the sun brightening the sky from navy blue to a much lighter shade outside the window.

I frowned a bit. I wasn't sure if this was a good thing or not, cause this meant I was running out of time but also that I could leave soon and focus my mind on surviving school. I don't like to stay in this house for longer than I have to. So I cleaned the outside of the house too. Swept the porch, wiped the windows and knocked down some spider webs (only the ones without spiders or bugs in them), I stared at the peeling paint for a good fifteen minutes wondering if I should go out this afternoon to buy some more to paint it over with. Maybe blue? I eventually decided against it. I'm not Picasso and there's no way I can carry paint cans all the way from the store to home. I don't even have a ladder. Or a paint brush for that matter.

Holding my dust rag, I wiped my brow.

I was exhausted, but at the same time I didn't feel tired. I felt like I had to do more. But seeing the height of the sun, I knew I had to get ready for school. I don't want to go to that place. But I can't stay here. I was already warned about skipping and I knew full well what consequences meant.

From my porch I could see D.C. members patrolling, or more like searching the neighborhood. They were looking into trash cans, rustling bushes, looking up trees, and between houses. I could even see them knock on doors and talk to the neighbors while pointing to my house, only to see the neighbors shake their heads no. They're looking for me I guess. Well, they'll never find me since I'm right here. I sighed. They'll forget soon, they all do.

So on that thought I checked my mailbox already knowing what would be in there. One from yesterday and another for today. The mail people always ran early. I wish they didn't.

I read them for the first time in a long time. I had stopped reading them after I noticed the pattern of complete randomness and uselessness that came with each letter. The only reason I even check my mail box anymore is to stop them from piling up, which does happen fast since there's a new one every day. Littering in Namimori is a crime worth getting a beating for, and a full mail box can't hold paper. I think I was actually hoping the letters would, I don't know, help? But they obviously didn't. I really don't know what else I was expecting. Sigh. Stupid me.

I went back in the house, tore up the letters, and threw them in the trash. Only later to collapse on the couch.

It really was comfortable.

I need to get going. Gotta go. For attendance and shit.

I don't want to. It's painful.

It doesn't matter what I want. It never has.

But does it matter if I go?

No, it doesn't.

My existence is absolutely worthless.

I already knew that, but it was surprising to know that I was literally less than air.

But is it really?

I mean it being a surprise and all. Thinking back on it, I should have realized it sooner. I knew I was nothing, but I didn't really understand it.

I sighed.

Well it seems that I'm still a nobody now. But a new nobody. No, I don't want to think about this. I'm mentally and physically exhausted already and I still have to go to school. Actually noticed now.

How have I not dropped out by now? My grades are flat out zeros but I still managed to move on to the next grade. That and I should've just stopped going all together. There's no reason to go besides the fact that I'll be bored all day if I just wandered around town, no never mind, I'm still bored all day even at school.

Why haven't I just quit?

I felt the pulsing heat in my stomach suddenly get warmer.

Oh, that's right, the flame, the hope.

School equals friends which equal smiles which equals happiness.

I haven't made a single friend in my entire life so why do I still believe in this?

Oh, that's right, I'm a stupid idiot.

Shaking my head once more, I got up.