A/n- Long, yes. Probably full of errors? Well, it is six am and I have yet to sleep...so shot me. I kept falling asleep while writing this, so I do apologize if there are more random jumps than normal. Italizes are normally thoughts, -x-'s are breaks in time, etc. I could not spell Quittich to save my life, I do apologize. Some onsceen harm here, but nothing worse than normal. Enjoy ~Case
Severus paced silently between the rows of cauldrons. First years, a boil cure draught. Nothing too difficult and, as of yet, no one had messed it up. Granted, they had just started brewing. He knew he made some of the first years nervous, so he tried to stay away from them, but he had to check every cauldron once the brewing started, to make sure there were no accidents. It did not help that this was his Gryffindor/ Slytherin class and they were always a mess. House Unity my foot. This group would attack each other faster than you could say Quittich. He was snapped out of his thoughts as a young Gryffindor flung something across the room and into the cauldron of another Gryffindor. His wand was out in a split second, the spell already on his lips. A shield formed quickly around the cauldron as it exploded, the force still pushing the young girl back. With a wave of his hand he vanished the mess, turning to glare at the culprit. The child was an idiot. He could have seriously injured the girl and those sitting close to her. "Detention Mr. Lamur. And ten points from Gryffindor for sabotaging a fellow classmate's potion." He snarled, arching an eyebrow at the boy when he opened his mouth to protest. But that didn't stop the foolish child
"But sir! It was her fault!" The gangly boy whined. He was taller and bigger than the girl, having started puberty a bit early. By far one of the tallest in his year.
Severus glared at the boy, stalking closer toward him. "How, pray tell, is that?" He growled. "Did Ms. Jenkins tell you to sabotage her cauldron? Did she ask for her potion to explode?
The boy took a step back, flinching under the man's sharp gaze. Severus never raised his voice. He didn't have to. "No sir. But it's still her fault." The boy muttered.
"Why?"
"Because! She's a little prissy bitch!" The boy snapped.
"A week's detention with Mr. Filch, Mr. Lamur. I do not want to hear those words from your mouth again, or I shall wash it out with soap. If you are quite done, out. To your Head's office. You may explain to her why you just lost your house forty points." Severus growled dangerously, daring the child to argue. The boy didn't. He gulped and fled. "The rest of you back to work." Severus ordered quietly, striding over to the girl. If he remembered correctly her name was Jenna. "Are you quite alright, Ms. Jenkins? No splashing from that potion?" He asked quietly, attempting to soften his gaze just a bit.
"No sir. I didn't get splashed." She whispered, eyes on her hands.
Of course she hadn't. He already knew that, or he would have helped her first and then taken care of the boy. "It does not matter why he does not like you, Jenna. It is not of importance. Pay him not heed. One day he will regret taunting one of the best potion brewers among his yearmates.
His soft words caused her to look up. She was not used to her potions professor being nice. She had heard a few rumours, of course, that he could be kind at times and that he always protected the students from injury. But this was not a physical wound. He was, in his own odd way, trying to comfort her! It was just...unusual. And yet, it made her feel much better. When he dismissed the class and called out for her to stay a moment, she did not even hesitate. She was not scared of him. Well, not as scared of him as she was three hours before, at least. He was still frightening, but not someone who would hurt her. She knew that now. "Yes, Professor?" She asked quietly, looking up at him for once.
"Since you could not complete your potion, if you write eighteen inches on the making of the Boil Cure, with details on what can go wrong and the properties of each ingredient, I will mark that in place of your ruined draught." Severus barked, although without malice or anger. It was just, after all, the way he spoke.
"Yes sir! Thank you sir!" Jenna grinned. It would be fairly easy for her, she was good at essays. She turned to leave at his nod.
"One more thing, Ms. Jenkins." Severus called out.
"Yes sir?
"If you ever need someone to talk to and you feel that you cannot speak to your own Head of House, you may come to me Jenna. You are, as I said, one of the best brewers of your year." Severus' words felt a bit uncomfortable and downright foreign to him, but he smirked when the girl's eyes lit up. He knew that she was being bullied by her own house, it would take a fool not to see it. His door was open to her, he just wanted her to know that.
"Thank you sir. That means a lot." Jenna grinned, trying to keep from bouncing. A compliment like that from Professor Snape was rare and to be cherished. The man did not lie nor soften his words. He was always blunt and straight to the point. That was one of the many reasons she liked him and wished, desperately, that she had been in Slytherin. She left at his dismissal nod, not able to keep the bounce from her steps.
-x-
Severus sent a glare at Albus, who was talking to Minerva on his right. He pushed the food around his plate, having not touched it at all. He had spit the appetite stimulant into his tea, vanishing it was ease. At least his cup was not warded against vanishing food. Apparently all the plates and bowls in the entire school were now warded against vanishing spells. He had noticed one or two teenage girls glaring at plates that would not vanish. Huh. He wasn't the only one who hated this then. Albus had told him, before they had headed down to breakfast, that the warding was not because of him but because Poppy had noticed a trend among some of the upper year girls and boys. Wasn't really shocking, actually. He had done the same as a student. He muttered a curse under his breath, taking the tiniest bite of food. Suddenly it hit him. He could not vanish food on the plate. But if it was on the fork...Of course, he didn't dare vanish it from his mouth, he might accidentally vanish a tooth, even as good as he was. It was just too risky. But if he timed it right...Yes, that would work nicely and Albus would never know. Halfway between his mouth and the plate, he let a forkful of beef slip off, vanishing it before it could land on his robes. Severus repeated the action a dozen times, clearing nearly three-quarters of his plate and only having to eat a single bite! He was a genius.
Once he had managed to escape from the table, with Albus' nod of approval and look of pride, he had stalked back down to his office. He needed to do some marking and he hadn't been forbidden from being in his office just yet.
-x-
Three classes and sixty corrected essays later, he was tired. Exhausted. No detentions to supervise, he had only given two and both were with Filch, only the pop quizzes for both of his second year classes to grade and no more classes to teach. It was only Monday and already he wanted a break. He sighed, stopping his grading to go check on his Slytherins. They should all be in their assigned study groups now, all of the first five year-groups, at least. Sixth and Seventh years studied in groups that changed by the subject. It wouldn't do to have a student studying Ancient Runes trying to study with one taking Divination. Granted, he only had four NEWT level students in Divination and they all showed in aptitude for the subject. He stalked into the common room by a door in his quarters, one that most of the younger years had yet to figure out was there. The older teens were not at all shocked by his sudden appearance, but he had made a couple of first years jump. He strolled causally around the room, answering the few questions that were asked and giving a bit of help to one truly hopeless third year. The child would never master Transfiguration, even with tutoring from one of the NEWT students. But that was alright. The child had talents and was even especially gifted in certain subjects. His Care of Magical Creatures professor was always singing the boy's praise. But that didn't mean the boy's parents were happy about it. He was one of the children that reminded him too much of himself. Unwanted at home and not popular at school, although the child had many friends in Slytherin. True friends. With a sigh, Severus continued on, pacing around the room for a good part of an hour, before heading back to his office, completely lost in his own thoughts.
He couldn't help the child. He couldn't help any of them. All he could do was listen. He couldn't remove them from their homes or offer them a great deal of comfort. He just listened. A lot of good that did. He couldn't help...no. He wouldn't help. He could help, he could always help. But he was too damn proud to help. Because helping them meant admitting defeat, admitting that he really was useless and worthless. The pride that had shown in Albus' eyes early came back to him and he grimaced. He did not deserve that pride. He was nothing to be proud of. He was just a tricky, lying piece of unwanted dirt. He was nothing. He did not deserve Albus' comfort. He deserved nothing but pain. Hate. He had offered solace to that girl today, the Gryffindor, but he knew he would fail her. She needed someone who was actually worth something, someone who would actually help her and not just listen and offer sarcasm. Worthless. Dirt. Dirty. Stupid. His hands were rapidly searching his desk, hunting for anything, anything at all. Almost without thinking, his body was responding. His hand found a potions knife, an old and rusted one, and without even pausing, drew it rapidly across his forearm. He tossed his robes out of the way, pushing his sleeves up automatically. His body acted on pure instinct. He knew he deserved pain. He was worthless. Useless. Evil. Bad. Dirty. With each word, he tore the blade across his arm. No thought, no hesitation. Just action. He didn't even pause in his slashing when the door slammed up. He was too lost in his own little world.
"Severus! Drop it!" Albus ordered, striding briskly into the room, grasping his own left forearm. Part of the charm he had placed on Severus was that he would feel the pain as Severus did. The young man ignored him, having not noticed his presence at all. He knew he needed backup. He could get the blade away, easily. But he could not heal those wounds. He grabbed the chain around his neck, muttering "Tim Rainwater" before calling out, "Accio!" The blade flew out of Severus' hand and into his own, where he vanished it. Severus suddenly became aware of him, hissing and lunging toward Albus. He was not thinking straight. Not at all.
Severus glared at the older man, eyes darting to the door. He couldn't believe that he had actually lunged, lunged!, at Albus. He needed out. Now. His pain was not complete. He deserved more. Much more. And then it clicked. He had a wand. Damn, he was stupid. He drew his wand and muttered under his breath, slashing it down toward his leg. The gashes that opened had him gasping, until suddenly he felt his wand flying away from him.
"Expelliarmus!" Albus caught the wand as it flew to him, pocketing it quickly. Where was Tim? Severus was now bleeding badly and although he knew a few healing spells, he was not an expert.
Speak of the devil and he shall come. Tim swooped into the room, slightly out of breath. It was a lot of stairs from where he had originally floo'd in at. Albus was muttering spells under his breath, trying to stop the bleeding of the young man who had nearly collapsed and was leaning heavily against the leg of his desk. He shook his head sadly, dropping gracelessly to his knees in front of the young man. He started muttering under his own breath. "Vulnera Sanentur, Vulnera Sanentur." His wand moved in the complex pattern, yet another spell he wished he could do wandlessly. But it was a bit complicated to say the least. Once the bleeding had stopped, he settled on the ground, drawing the young man's leg into his lap, placing a hand on either side of it and sending his magic into it. The gashes closed and the skin knitted back together, leaving faint pink lines. But he knew the pain would still linger. There was nothing he could do about that and he rather not, anyway. Because then the young man would just try again. Tim released the leg and gently took hold of Severus' wrist, sending his magic up the younger man's arm. How many times were they going to have to repeat this? How many times was the young man going to be so close to bleeding to death? He was pale, paler than normal, and his skin was ice cold. Finishing with the arm, Tim did a quick scan of the man's body, frowning. He rummaged in his robes, pulling out two potion vials, holding the first to the young man's mouth. Severus' eyes were closed but he opened his mouth without a word, swallowing the blood replenisher. "One more Severus." Tim murmured gently, holding the second vial, with a much thicker liquid, to his lips.
Severus obeyed, before gagging on the potion. He ignored Tim's whispered encouragements and comfort, forcing himself to swallow. "What the bloody hell was that?" He snarled, once he was able to speak again.
"That is a potion of my creation. It will scour your body for any infection that I might have missed. Really Severus, the least you could do, if you are going to harm yourself, is use a clean blade. Although, we would prefer if you refrained from harming yourself altogether. Here, drink this too please." Tim pulled out a third vial, which Severus eyed warily. It too was a thick potion, but it also looked familiar.
"No. I will not take that." He snarled.
"You will. Or I shall spell it into you. This is not up for discussion, Severus." Tim replied flatly, meeting the young man's scowling, bitter eyes for a long moment, before the boy looked down. He was not going to win against him, Severus would learn that fast. He held it out to the boy once more and Severus reluctantly took it. He drank it in one gulp, swallowing the thick, super strength nutrient potion was a bit of difficulty. "I believe we need to discuss why you harmed yourself Severus. Perhaps Albus' quarters would be a bit more comfortable than the cold floor?" Tim added quietly.
Severus glared at him but did not protest as Albus helped them both off the floor and moved to the floo. He flinched when Tim gently took hold of his elbow.
"You are in no shape to floo alone Severus. You will floo with either Albus or myself." Tim ordered calmly.
Severus hesitated and then looked toward Albus. If he was honest with himself, he'd much rather floo with Albus. He took an awkward step toward the man and Albus held out a hand to him. Severus hesitantly took it, allowing Albus to gently grip his elbow and steer him into the green flames.
Tim grinned, now that the office was empty. He had expected as much. Ah bonding, hopefully Severus and Albus' bond would become strong. They both needed it. With a glance around the office, he flicked his wand, cleaning up the mess and locking and warding the office. It would not do if a student got in here and found the tests. Or worse, managed to get into the potions stockroom. With that finished, he floo'd to Albus' quarters, ready to face a stubborn, hurting young man.
-x-
Tim watched the younger man with a slight frown. This might be a bit difficult, especially since Albus had taken up one of the armchairs, although he was responding to owls. He knew that Albus would actually be listening. And unless Severus asked him to leave, he did not see much harm in that. After all, Albus was the one taking care of young man so he did deserve to know some of it. They had decided that Albus would be present for any discussions when Severus was found harming himself. Not his therapy sessions though. For Severus did need a sense of privacy and there were things that the young man probably did not want Albus to know. Severus could tell Albus if he wanted to share something with him, but otherwise it gave Severus a sense of strength, being able to control what Albus knew. "Could you tell us why you harmed yourself, Severus?" Tim asked gently, but it really wasn't a request and Severus knew that. They had gone over this yesterday evening, what Severus could expect from both of them.
Severus merely glared at Tim, crossing his arms. His nails dug into his forearm slightly, not so much that Tim could see it though. He needed pain, deserved pain.
"Severus, stop that." Albus ordered, glancing over at the young man when his own forearm started to sting.
When the boy merely glared at Albus, digging his nails deeper into his arms, Tim sighed. Oh yes, difficult indeed. "Hands on your knees, Severus." Tim ordered softly. "Harming yourself will not get you out of this conversation. It is, in fact, the very reason we are having this discussion to begin with." He frowned when the younger man ignored him, still digging his nails into his forearms and sneering off into the middle distance. He moved slowly, so as to not violently startle the young man, moving to kneel in front of Severus, gently prying his hands away from his arms. He watched the child's facial expressions, waiting for any reaction.
Severus did not disappoint. He flinched and jerked his hands away from the older man, glaring daggers at him. "Go away." He hissed.
"No."
Severus scowled, folding his arms once more and keeping a wary eye on the mad healer. HE was not happy, to say the least. He did not want to discuss why he had harmed himself, he had only agreed to that last night because he believed he would not get caught. There was nothing to discuss. He just wanted the pain. He needed it. Now.
"Hands on your knees, Severus.
The quiet, no-nonsense order broke through his thoughts and he growled at the man. Who did he think he was! He was not some child to be ordered about! He clenched his fist, letting his nails slice into his palms. He glance briefly at Albus when the man hissed in pain, grasping his own hand. Why was Albus hurting? Unless...No no no! He does not have a monitoring charm on me! I would have noticed! Well...perhaps not, not if it was Albus' doing. Fuck.
"Severus." Tim warned softly, a hint of steel in his voice. He was not angry or irritated at all. He had expected this. But the younger man would learn fast to work with him, if it was the last thing he did. Surprisingly, the young man did unclench his fists but did not uncross his arms. Well it's a start. "Severus, hands on your knees please. So that you shall not be tempted further." His order was still soft, still calm, but still powerful.
Severus glared at him but glanced at Albus. He slowly moved his arms, bending his elbows and resting his hands on his knees. He felt stupid, like a little child who had been caught sticking his hand in the cookie jar. Or like he had been caught stealing from Slughorn's stores again, not that Slughorn ever brewed anything. Lazy ass man.
Tim gave him a small, pleased smile, before standing and moving back to his chair. His knees and back creaked. He felt so old sometimes. He wasn't even forty yet! Ah well. "Alright Severus. Would you like to explain what happened early to us?"
Severus shook his head. "Not really." He muttered under his breath. He knew that Tim would not let it go though. But he felt like being stubborn. He had an image to uphold, after all.
"Were you angry? Upset? Confused?" Tim offered gently.
"No! Yes. I don't know." Severus was frustrated. He didn't have a straight answer, what did the damn man want! It's not like he could tell the truth. He groaned.
"Do you know, if I didn't know better, I would say you were trying to kill yourself." Tim remarked dryly, watching the younger man. Albus had finally gave up the pretense of reading and was listening intently.
"I wasn't! I was just angry!" Severus snapped. He hadn't been trying to kill himself. Nor did he plan on it. Yet. There was no need to tell the healer everything that was in his mind. Thank god that his mind was very much protected.
Tim narrowed his eyes at the younger man. He was hiding something. His body language screamed that at him. But that was a discussion for later. "Who were you angry at? Were you angry at your students? At Albus? At me?
"No! I was just angry!" Severus snapped.
"There had to be a reason for it Severus. Were you angry at yourself?"
"No! Yes! I was! Happy?" He snarled.
"Of course not. Why were you angry at yourself? What made you so upset that you seriously harmed yourself?" Tim asked gently.
"It's my fault!" Severus snapped, bolting up and pacing rapidly around the room. He knew the door was warded and if he darted into his room, Tim would just follow. But he needed to be in motion. He couldn't explain why but pacing calmed him.
Tim watched the younger man pace, frowning slightly. Well, at least it was a bit of headway. "What is your fault, Severus?" His quiet question caused the younger man to turn and glare at him. He knew that his calmness could be irking sometimes, but a calm demeanor helped get through to his patients. Most of the time.
Severus paced, deep in thought. It was his fault. He knew that. Right? It had to be his fault. He allowed them to hurt. And he couldn't hurt himself. Even though he deserved it. Fucking hell. "I deserved it, alright? It's my fault! I cannot help them! No. I can. But I don't. I let them suffer. It's all my fault!" He snapped, his rage tearing the words from him. He needed an outlet, so badly.
"Deep breaths, Severus. Sit. Let's work through this, alright?" Tim leaned forward, his hands itching with calming magic. He had a feeling about how this was going to end. Which was fine, really. The boy needed to let it out, badly. He needed to learn to trust them. And if it helped with that, than so be it.
Severus dropped gracelessly back into his armchair, dropping his head in his hands briefly before resting his hands back on his knees. He was tired. So tired. So worthless. So bad. "My fault. Worthless." He whispered.
"No Severus, not at all. Can I safely assume that you are talking about the abused students in your care?" Tim asked gently, watching him carefully. Severus gave a brisk nod.
Albus looked between them sharply. Abused students? Why hadn't Severus told him? Unless one of his professors, or the students themselves, came to him, he could not help. Even if he suspected, because he had no proof unless he confronted the student. The few Slytherins he had talked to, the ones who were honest with him, at least, he had been able to help. Even if he could not remove some of them, he did find ways to work around the stupid government policies. Slytherins hid it so well though, and Severus had been a Head of House for three years now. Two cases he had been informed of, the first year. One last year. And none this year. He knew that they had to be there, they always were. But he had thought that Severus had not found them yet. Why was the boy hiding them from him? Did he not believe that Albus would do his best to help them? Did he not trust him? Oh, they would be having a long conversation about this. "Abused children? Why did you not come to me?" He asked, he couldn't help himself. Tim glanced toward him but didn't shoot down the question.
"I...well...I-I couldn't. Wouldn't. Didn't want you to ask. Thought you knew." Severus muttered, glancing at Albus before dropping his eyes. Damn. Albus hadn't known? So he wasn't just ignoring them because they were Slytherins.
"Of course I didn't know, Severus. Poppy is under a healers oath. She cannot tell me without breaking that oath. The only way I know of the abused children in this school is when my professors inform me of those in their houses or if I notice something unusual and confront the student. As I'm sure you remember, that does not always go well. I would never let a child be hurt if I could help it, Severus. It does not matter what house that child is in, who their parents are, or how old they are. I protect all the children in this school, even those who are not quite children anymore. If I do not know, I cannot help them. I have made mistakes in the past and I am sure that has led you to believe that I do not care, but I do. I care for every single child in this school. All eight hundred of them. Perhaps I do not remember the first names of all the first and second years just yet, but I do care for them all." Albus stated softly, turning sad eyes to the younger man who was staring down at his lap."It is not your fault, Severus. There is still plenty of time to help those children, but we can discuss them later. The only child I am worried about right now is sitting in front of me." He added gently.
"I am not a child." Severus retorted, biting his lip. I am a Snape and Snapes don't cry. Snapes don't cry. Snapes don't cry and nor do I. I am weak, pathetic, worthless.
"You are, Severus. You are my child." Albus sighed, glancing at Tim.
"You hurt yourself because you felt like you couldn't help them Severus?" Tim asked quietly. Finally, the two men were getting somewhere. Perhaps they could patch of some of the holes in their relationship, work pass the past.
Severus gave a small nod. "Worthless. Useless. Bad. Dirty." He whispered.
Tim frowned at the 'dirty' comment. They would have to explore that later. Hopefully it wasn't...well, that was not something that could be addressed currently. "You are not worthless or useless, bad or dirty Severus. Who told you that you were?
"Father."
The answer was so quiet that Albus almost missed it. Oh, how he would kill that man if he wasn't already dead! "He was wrong Severus. You are not worthless, at all. You are priceless. You have so much worth and kindness in you, help so many students, even those who are not in your house. You are far from useless. You do so much, for so many, even when you do not have to or no longer need to. Even when you are asked to give up those tasks. You could never be bad Severus. Ever. There is too much good in you, even if you hide it from most. You cannot hide it from Tim or I. As for dirty, well you are not. Not one bit. You are a smart, snarky, charming young man who has been dealt a rough hand in life and needs to let others in to support him and help him over the hurdles. You are not weak, you are brave and strong. So strong."
Albus' statement was met with silence from both of the younger men. Tim hid a smile, while Severus stared at his lap, biting down hard on his lip. Albus stood and walked over to the young man, gently taking hold of his arm. When he flinched, Albus hesitated but slowly pulled him to his feet, encircling him into a hug. Severus stiffened but then slowly relaxed into Albus' arms and gave up his fight. Tears started to silently stream down his face and his shoulders shook with the effort.
Tim silently widen the armchair that Severus had vacated, his fingers twitching. He wanted so desperately to give the boy calming magic, it was the downside of being a healer. But he would let Albus try to calm him first.
Albus glanced at the chair and gave a small, appreciative nod to Tim, steering the younger man back toward it, seating himself and pulling Severus so that he was sitting across his lap, his face still buried in Albus' robes. Albus started murmuring those nonsense words, comforting words. His hand rubbed slow, gentle circles on the young man's back. His arm encircled the child, keeping him securely on his lap; his hand running through the boy's hair. He felt the sobs subside a bit, even though he had never actually heard them.
Tim was crouched in front of them, a hand on Severus' arm, gently feeding small bits of calming magic into the young man. Enough calming magic so that the young man would not shut down his mind at least. The sobs started anew. Albus raised an eyebrow at him but Tim merely shook his head. "He wasn't calming down, he was shutting down Albus. Keep talking to him." He whispered
Albus nodded, whispering words into the boy's ear. But Severus started to struggle, with both him and the calming magic.
He didn't want to feel! He wanted to just shove it all away! Why did Tim have to make him go through this! He didn't deserve comfort! Not at all! Did he?
Albus gazed down at the struggling young man and changed tactics. Words weren't working. But perhaps they were just not the right words. Hm. Albus started to sing softly, his voice deepening. "Over in Killarney, many years ago, My mother sang this song to me in tones so swee-t and low. Just a simple little ditty in her good old fashion way, And I'd give the world if she could sing that song to me today. Toora Loora Loora, Toora Loora Li, hush now don't you cry. Toora Loora Loora, Toora Loora Li, that's an Irish lulla-by." Albus had not sung this particular song in many years but the words came flowing to him. The child in his arms calmed and stopped fighting, tears slowing.
There was so much love in Albus voice, his mother had not even sung to him like that. It was beautiful and comforting. Severus buried his head in Albus shoulder, letting his eyes close. He was exhausted and he was safe. As Albus continued to sing, he fell asleep, safe in the arms of one who would proudly call him son.
A/n- The lullaby is called Toora Loora Looral. You can find a very haunting verison of it on youtube, with the title of how to sing. It is beautiful and I do not own the lullaby. I'm not actually sure who is. And yes, for those of you catching on, all the chapter titles are songs.
