Disclaimer: I don't own Wicked. I don't own Elphaba, or Galinda, or Fiyero, or Boq. In addition, I don't own the concept of true love or romance, nor do I experience either with nearly enough frequency.

A/N: Who's a horrible un-updater uncool author? (points to self) That's right, I suck!

Guys, I'm so very sorry this took so long. I've had a couple of terrible, busy weeks. Well, they could be considered great, since I did a lot of work which earned me money. But, I was kept away from writing fanfiction for you. You're all welcome to request my boss personal adress to direct your hate mail.

Also, my Beta had (in her words) a hellish week, too. Congratulations and many thanks to Wolfie for taking the time to beta this chapter after a week that included an AP Calc test (quite a feat, eh?)


Chapter eight:

"Kiss the girl"


When Elphaba had told Fiyero a few days ago that Galinda was acting crazy and that, by default, it was driving Elphaba crazy, he had barely resisted the urge to tell her that of course Galinda was acting demented. Women, after all, were insane. On second thought, however, he supposed that it wouldn't have been a smart choice, given the circumstances of Elphaba being - however different and peculiar and wonderful she was- a girl.

But now, Fiyero had come to the conclusion that, as usual, Elphaba had been right. He had to admit that Galinda wasn't simply womanly crazy. She was out of her mind. Completely, clinically insane. Schizophrenic, even.

One minute, Galinda would be all over him. Not that he could blame her. He was a handsome Arkji prince, after all.

Then again, she had broken up with him.

The first time Galinda started flirting shamelessly with him in front of Elphaba, Fiyero had thought that she'd realized what she was missing, and wanted him back

But then, without any warning, Galinda would treat him as if he was no more than a inconvenient nuisance.

Galinda had definitely lost her mind.

Women.

Fiyero was walking calmly towards his chemistry class, planning to be as late as he could – chemistry was simply too dull for him- when he spotted Galinda and Elphaba. They appeared to be arguing over something: Elphaba was shaking her head, frowning, and naturally carrying an enormous pile of books. Galinda was clinging to Elphaba's arm and pouting.

Fiyero made his way towards them. If he was lucky, maybe Galinda would ignore him and he could be a perfect gentleman to Elphaba and carry her books. Or perhaps a nice conversation with her and tell her she looked pretty.

"But they don't match my dress, Elphie!" Galinda was saying when Fiyero approached them.

"Of course they don't, Galinda. Books are not fashion accessories."

Galinda smiled. "Well, it's perfectly reasonable then, that I don't have any interest in the ugly things."

Elphaba shook her head incredulously and smiled. Fiyero immediately felt very jealous. Elphaba never smiled like that with him.

"Hello, girls," Fiyero said, trying to get the pair to notice his presence.

"Fiyero, how are you?" Elphaba greeted him. The smile she gave him wasn't nearly as warm as the one she had just given Galinda, but it was enough for Fiyero.

He beamed at her "Perfect, and you?"

"I could be better." Elphaba responded, frowning " For example, I could have full mobility of my left arm."

Galinda stuck her tongue out at Elphaba."If you wanted your arm back," Galinda told her, gripping the extremity in question tighter "all you had to do was ask."

Elphaba snorted, rolling her eyes.

"Can I have my arm back, please?" Elphaba sarcastically asked.

Galinda put her free hand on her chin and made a big show of being deep in thought.

"I'm feeling generous, so," the blond let go of Elphaba's arm "you can have it. Don't get attached to it, though, I'll probably want it back."

When Elphaba's only response was a throaty chuckle, Fiyero was invaded by the uncomfortable feeling of being a third wheel.

He opened his mouth to say something, but Galinda went into her "all-over-him" mode, and he had to swallow his words.

"Fiyero! Don't you look handsome today?" Galinda was gripping his arm now, and damn him if she didn't have some serious strength in those dainty hands.

Well, this was just his rotten luck. Galinda always went on "all-over-him" mode when Elphaba was near.

Fiyero shrugged in an useless attempt to free his arm. "Er, thank you."

He turned to Elphaba, who was looking at Galinda and him with a sort of...calculating gleam in her eyes. That, quite frankly, scared him a little.

"Elphaba, would you like some help with those books?"

"Such a perfect gentleman, isn't he, Elphie?" Galinda gushed. Fiyero tried to free his arm again, but Galinda refused to let go.

Some serious strength indeed.

Elphaba mercifully ignored Galinda's comment. "Thank you, Fiyero. I have no problems with my books. Galinda's however," she separated three books from her pile, "you can carry."

Elphaba gave Fiyero the books in question, and without another word, turned around and started walking again.

And so, Fiyero was left carrying Galinda's books and walking with her arm in arm.

Perfect scenario, he noted. Wrong girl.


The jealousy plan, Galinda mused as she took her place besides Milla in the chemistry classroom, was hard work.

Not flirting with Fiyero. Flirting with Fiyero was easy. She simply went into auto-pilot and gushed, giggled, swayed and touched in all the right moments and in the exact necessary amount.

The annoying thing was that this plan involved spending lots of time talking to Fiyero and walking with Fiyero and touching Fiyero when Elphaba was near. Of course, that was the whole point of the idea. But, whenever Galinda was doing this, a part of her brain would immediately start admonishing her.

What in Oz's name are you doing? Elphaba is here! Talk to her! Flirt with her! Leave brainless Fiyero alone!

Naturally, Galinda would - try to – pay no mind to her silly brain; the brilliant plan was actually working, if the conversation she had had with Elphaba the previous night was any indication.

Elphaba had been sitting on her bed reading something that Galinda was sure wasn't even in English, and Galinda had been enjoying herself with some Elphie-gazing when the unthinkable had happened. Elphaba, on her own accord, had closed her book and started talking to Galinda about dates.


"Galinda?" Elphaba asked as she carefully marked the page she was reading in her book.

Galinda was a little put out by the fact that her Elphie-staring time was being cut short, but answered anyway.

"Yes?"

Elphaba cleared her throat "I, uhm, was wondering -" She took off her glasses and folded them.

"Yes?"

"When you-" Elphaba cleared her throat again. Galinda started to lose her patience. Luckily for her, Elphaba continued without needing Galinda to resort to violence.

"When you go out with a boy, what do you like to do?"

Galinda couldn't help but bounce a little on her bed. How exciting! Elphaba Thropp, talking to her about dates. This could only mean one thing. The jealousy plan was actually working!

Galinda wasn't exactly sure how she had managed to stop from breaking into an enormous goofy grin, but she did it. When she continued the conversation, she sounded collected, if maybe a little excited, like any girl ready to talk about boys with her best friend.

"I don't know-" Galinda began.

"How can you not know, Galinda?"

Galinda gave Elphaba a stern look "Hush, you. You asked me a question; do you want to get an answer?"

Elphaba looked as if she was about to grace Galinda with one of her usual mean remarks, but she remained silent. Therefore, Galinda continued.

"It depends on the person I'm going out with," Galinda explained, being careful to be vague in regards togender. "Maybe going out for dinner at a nice place, or going to hear a local orchestra."

"I see," Elphaba murmured, scratching her chin with her left hand.

After a few long moments of silence Galinda thought that the conversation was over, but Elphaba started talking again.

"And, the boys, they-" Elphaba cleared her throat yet again, and Galinda considered getting up from her bed to get Elphaba some medicine.

"They-" Elphaba continued. She tried again. "What do you like them to do?"

"Elphaba!" Galinda giggled "I don't think that's a proper question to ask."

Elphaba arched an eyebrow, looking confused. "What?" she asked. After a couple of seconds, her eyes went incredibly wide.

"I would never – I didn't mean that!" exclaimed Elphaba, scandalized.

Galinda tried to say something, but she couldn't stop the giggling fit that had seized her.

"I meant," Elphaba elaborated over Galinda's giggles, talking slowly. "if you like them to bring flowers or to choose the place of the date, or to take your hand. That's what I meant."

"Well, of course I like those things, Elphie! What girl doesn't like flowers?"

"There must be some girl who doesn't. Not everyone is like you and your friends, my sweet."

"Don't tell me," Galinda said. "You don't like flowers, Elphie?"

Elphaba laughed that sort of half chuckle-half cackle laugh that made Galinda melt a little.

Or a lot.

"Surprisingly, I do."

"Really?"

"Yes." Elphaba fixed her eyes on the wall. "When I was a child, I used to think -"

Elphaba stopped talking abruptly and shook her head. Galinda gave her a questioning look. The green girl didn't answer- at least, not with words. Instead, she got up from her bed.

"Excuse me, Galinda. I need to take a bath."

And with that, she was gone.


Galinda had wanted to talk more about the fascinating subject of dates and flowers, but Elphaba stayed in the bathroom for the longest time. When Elphaba finally got out of the bathroom, Galinda had fallen sleep.


Elphaba almost wished her father had let Nessa come to Shiz a year earlier like she'd wanted to. She had always been much better than Elphaba at anything that involved social matters. This date planning business was hard. Nessa would have known how this was done much better than green, antisocial Elphaba.

But then, of course, she remembered how annoying her sister could get and quickly changed her mind.

Elphaba was on her way to a restaurant called The Golden Duck to make reservations. According to her investigations, this was the bestrestaurant around Shiz.

Elphaba checked the piece of paper where she had written the directions she had been given to reach the restaurant, trying to be as cautious as she could to remain unseen. It would be no good at all for someone to spoil Galinda's surprise.

After a few more minutes of walking, she reached the place. She stood in front of the door without entering for as long as she could.

She clenched her fists and took a couple of very deep breaths.

You have to do this, she reminded herself. You can do this.

The restaurant was an upscale, awfully snobby looking big building. At the door, a man who looked extremely bored – or slightly constipated – greeted her.

Actually, he proffered a scream most alike Galinda's squeals, and backed away terrified. Elphaba guessed that was the best welcome she was going to get in a place like this and entered the building.

"Hello," she said, trying to put all those lections in manners and poise her grandfather had given her to good use. Or, as he had liked to call them, "You are a Thropp heir, you will act like it, damn it!" lessons.

The maitre still looked as if he had forgotten how to breath. If Elphaba were prone to violence, she would have punched the snobby cad in the face.

Elphaba sighed and did her best to act like someone who was snobby and rich enough to want to come to this ugly place.

She tilted her chin upwards. "I want to make reservations."

The maitre continued to look afraid for his life, but luckily for Elphaba, he recovered his voice.

He took a fancy notebook out of his pocket, and responded in an strange accent which Elphaba couldn't place. "Of course. Your name Miss?"

Elphaba remembered rules number one to seventeen in her lessons: "Money makes the world go round", "Money is everything", "Show your gold, you'll have the world", and so on.

She placed a couple of bills over the counter. "Thropp, Elphaba Thropp. Table for two, please."

Elphaba saw the demeanor and body language of the man change completely in two seconds flat.

"Thropp?"

Elphaba nodded, although it was hard with her chin set so high. How did people like Galinda do this?

"If I may be so bold, are you related by any chance to His Eminence from Munchinkland?"

Elphaba sighed. "He's my grandfather. How do you know him?"

"He's a regular costomer in our Muchinkland location. Most of us," he gestured at the waiters who were setting up tables, "work there during the summer when Shiz is almost empty. "

Elphaba thought it made an awful amount of sense. If her grandfather needed to eat out, he would surely pick a place like this: big, pretentious and more expensive than it was worth.

Elphaba gave the man the most superior look she could muster. "I'm sure he will be most pleased to know you have provided her granddaughter excellent attention and service."

The poor man immediately understood what was left unsaid.

"Would you like to choose the table, Miss?" he inquired politely.

"No," Elphaba retorted. "Simply make sure it is a private table."

He noted Elphaba's request in his notebook "Of course, Miss."

"The table must be ready for tomorrow at seven." When that was also noted, Elphaba added "It's better to leave the reservation under Galinda Upland."

The maitre gave her a strange look, but after a well timed glare he kept his eyes fixed on the floor or in his notebook.

"All done?" she asked impatiently.

The maitre was quick to answer "Yes, yes."

Elphaba gave him one last superior look and an exasperated sigh before she took a couple of bills more from her pockets.

The maitre's eyes got as round and big as the plates which the waiters were polishing behind him. His eyes, Elphaba noted, were also kind of glazed.

"This," Elphaba explained, "should cover for anything eaten tomorrow."

"And this," she thrust a few more bills into the man's hands, "will make sure the table has the quickest, best service you can give."

The maitre wasted no time in pocketing the money.

"Don't worry, Miss Thropp." He gave her a little bow and a smile "Everything will be perfect."

"I sure hope so." Elphaba said. She nodded and left the restaurant.

As Elphaba hurried back to Shiz in order to arrive inher room before Galinda got out from her class and suspected something, she thought that if Galinda wasn't happy with this, she was going to lock the pink thing in a box and mail it back to her parents.


Fiyero opened his math book with a sigh and rubbed his eyes. He proceeded to read the exercise he was supposed to solve and nearly cried.

"Find all the singular points (the points of non-differentiability) of the function:

f(x) 1 - x if x in (-1,1

1/2 x - 1/2 if x in (1,3)"

What do I need to know this for? I'm not going to make a living out of X's and Y's! I'm a Prince, for Oz's sake!

He read it over again and again. And again. Well, he supposed he was getting better. He knew what "find" meant, at least.

"This is what's wrong in Oz," he said to Avaric, closing his book.

From across the table, he saw Avaric frown. "What? Math?"

Fiyero put his face in his hands. "No," he mumbled. "Corrupt headmistresses who allow someone like me to be in Calculus I just because my father promised a substantial donation."

Avaric laughed.

Fiyero banged his head on the table, "Don't laugh. I'm serious."

Avaric closed his book too and smiled. "Your father can pay Horrible Morrible again. He'll get you a nice A plus."

Fiyero glared at him "No," he said. "I want to understand this."

"Since when?"

"Since-"

Since I acquired a crush on a green girl who uses her damned brain. Oz, life really was more painless for the brainless.

"Does it matter? Since now."

Avaric shrugged and got up "As you wish. I'm sick of this."

Fiyero had given up and was stashing his books back in his bag to accompany Avaric when the boy winked and elbowed him in the ribs.

"Look. If you stay, you won't be alone," Avaric whispered in his ear. "Your girlfriend is here."

Fiyero followed Avaric's gaze to find Elphaba walking towards them.

"Though I still believe you don't have a chance in hell, I'll leave you two alone," Avaric announced, putting his bag over his shoulder.

As he was walking away, he turned around and mouthed, "Go, Tiger!"

Fiyero was never sharing any of his deepest heart's desires with that boy again.

Before Elphaba got close enough, Fiyero scanned the room for any reflective surface.

Stupid libraries, he thought. All those dusty old books and not a single mirror. My hair must be such a mess.

He straightened his shirt, finger-combed his hair as best as he could without a mirror, and prepared himself to look cool and pleasantly surprised to see Elphaba. At the last second, he remembered Elphaba liked math, so he took his books out and pretended to be studying really hard.

"Fiyero?" he heard Elphaba ask behind him.

He turned around and smiled pleasantly. "Elphaba, hello."

Elphaba looked at the books over the table. "Are you occupied?"

"No, just trying not to fail Calculus." He gave his book a fierce scowl. "Please, take a seat."

Elphaba did so. "Thank you."

It occurred to Fiyero that maybe pretending to be interested in knowledge was a good way to win Elphaba over. "It's such a wonderful coincidence you are here," he said. "I was having a little trouble with this exercise." He pointed at a random exercise in the middle of a page. "Maybe you could give me a hand?"

Elphaba looked at the exercise and took her notebook from her bag. "Sure."

Fiyero grabbed his own notebook, ready to at least pretend to take notes.

"Because a variable is raised to a variable power in this function, the ordinary rules of differentiation do not apply. The function must first be revised before a derivative can be taken-"

As Elphaba started explaining, Fiyero tried very, ridiculously hard to pay attention. It didn't make any difference. About two words into Elphaba's explanation, he was absolutely lost.

"…after that, differentiate both sides of this equation. The left-hand side requires the chain rule since y represents a function of x . Use the product rule on the right-hand side. Thus-"

Elphaba wrote something unintelligible in his notebook. From Fiyero's point of view, it looked like a house or a dog, or a house. Or maybe it read, "Surrender Fiyero".

"And that's it," Elphaba informed him "It's rather simple, once you get the gist of it."

Fiyero stared at the notebook for a long while, using every last neuron he had to try to understand what Elphaba had done. Needless to say, he failed miserably.

"Of course. It's…very, uh, clear now."

Elphaba closed her notebook. "Good. I'm glad I could help."

"But," she continued "I wasn't looking for you to help you with Calculus."

Fiyero perked up. "No?"

"No."

He smiled and ran a hand through his hair. "What can I do for you, Elphaba?"

Elphaba uncharacteristically bit her lip. "Do you have something to do tomorrow evening?" she asked, looking at the table and playing with the cuff of her blouse.

Fiyero thought he would burst from happiness. "No, Oz no."

"Good. Come to my and Galinda's room at six."

Well, Elphaba lacked a little tact and romanticism, but it would have to do.

"Of course, of course." Fiyero tried to put his hand over Elphaba's, but she quickly hid it under the table.

All right, shy about physical contact. I can work with that.

Elphaba got up "Dress nicely and bring flowers. Don't be late. The reservation is at seven," she ordered. Fiyero considering telling her that maybe she was going a bit far with the micromanaging.

Instead, he smiled and responded "I'll be there." "Shall I walk you to your room?"

"No." Elphaba answered, and then without even a 'goodbye', she was gone.

Women. All perfectly insane, the lot of them.


Elphie, where are you?

Galinda was enjoying what had recently become her if not favorite, most usual past-time: Elphaba-hunting.

That day, she was fortunate enough to spot Elphaba exiting the library after only five minutes of searching.

Before Elphaba could become aware of her presence, Galinda hid from her view behind a column. She took a mirror from her purse and checked her makeup and hair.

After a exhaustive examination, Galinda grinned. Everything was perfect. She exited her hiding place and followed Elphaba. When she was close enough to get Elphaba's attention, an idea popped into her head. She turned around and adjusted the cleavage of her dress.

Galinda wasn't a girl who'd waste perfectly good information. If cleavage was Elphaba's weakness, she would use it against her as often as she could.

"Elphie, wait!"

Elphaba turned around and stopped walking. "Galinda, I was just looking for you."

Galinda extended her books towards Elphaba "Really?"

Elphaba nodded and took Galinda's books without a second thought. "Yes. Care to take a walk with me?"

"That'd be great, Elphie." Galinda answered as she took Elphaba's arm.

"Excellent." Elphaba readjusted Galinda's books in her free arm and started walking.

Galinda smiled inwardly. Admittedly, it was difficult for her to seduce the mean green thing. At least she had her perfectly trained already.

They walked together in companionable silence for a while until Elphaba guided them to a bench.

"I've noticed," Elphaba began after setting Galinda's books beside her, "that you haven't been going out with your friends as much as you used to."

Of course I don't, thought Galinda. I went out with them to meet boys, mostly.

"And I thought, maybe you'd like an outing?"

Galinda couldn't help herself. She squealed. And she bounced, too. Repeatedly.

"Really, Elphie?" Bounce "Really?" Bounce.

Elphaba laughed at Galinda's antics. "Yes, my sweet. Really."

"You'll have to be ready in our room, tomorrow at six."

Galinda nodded frantically. "I will. I definitely will."


Elphaba was most pleased with herself. For once in her sorry existence, a plan of hers had worked. Both Galinda and Fiyero had accepted her rather cryptic invitation without a second thought.

And Galinda was elated. If she was this happy for a simple outing with her green bean of a friend, she would be ecstatic when she found out she actually had a date with Fiyero.

Galinda was so adorable when she was this happy that Elphaba considered, for a second, taking Galinda to dinner herself. But no. No, no, no.

Galinda and Fiyero- that was the idea. Galinda and Fiyero. And Fiyero.

It was a bit frightening that Elphaba, since the very moment when Galinda had responded so well to her invitation, had had to remain herself that the date was for Galinda and Fiyero at least twenty times.

Still, Galinda was so happy, and so adorable that Elphaba couldn't help, even if just the tiniest bit, wanting her all to herself.

Of course, Galinda's happiness wasn't without its downfalls.

"Elphie, don't be mean! Tell me something!"

Elphaba sighed "No. It's a surprise, Galinda. Surely, you understand the meaning of the word."

Galinda threw herself on Elphaba's bed.

"But how I am supposed to know what to wear?"

Elphaba could see some sense in that. "Dress nicely. It's all I'm going to tell you."

"How nicely?"

"Nicely." Elphaba took Galinda's hand and guided her to her own bed "Now go to sleep."

"Elphie!" Galinda whined "How am I ever going to sleep when I am so exited?"

"You'll figure it out."

Elphaba blew out the candle and got under her covers. Sleep, however, for some unknown reason, eluded her.


Galinda had spent all Saturday trying on dresses, experimenting with her hair, counting the hours, looking at herself in the mirror, and daydreaming, and now, finally, it was time!

She was so exited she could hardly keep from bouncing all over her room. Galinda checked her watch again. Ten to six.

Where was Elphaba?

The mean green thing had disappeared that morning before Galinda had awoken, effectively thwarting Galinda's plans to fish for information until Elphaba cracked.

When Galinda was about to start daydreaming again, the door opened to reveal Elphaba looking…like she looked everyday.

Galinda found that offensive. This was how Elphaba dressed for a date? This simply wouldn't do.

Galinda crossed her arms and gave Elphaba the angriest look she could summon. "Elphaba!" she exclaimed, stomping her foot down on the floor. "Didn't you say 'dress nicely'?"

Elphaba, the mean thing, simply laughed at Galinda's outrage. "Yes, but I meant you." Elphaba left some bags she was carrying on the table. "You look beautiful, by the way."

Galinda immediately ruined all pretenses of being angry by blushing like the schoolgirl with a crush on her best friend that she was. "Thank you." She took Elphaba's hand and played with the green fingers. "So, will you tell me where we are going now?"

Elphaba gave her a teasing smile, and when she looked about to reply, a knock interrupted her.

"We are not going anywhere," she announced before opening the door.

What? We are not - What the hell is Fiyero doing here?!

Elphaba gave her the proudest grin Galinda had ever seen on the green girl's face. "But, you and Fiyero are going to The Golden Duck."

Fiyero and Galinda looked at each other, apparently sharing the same thought.

Elphaba is an idiot.

And, also, dead.