Eat Your Words

Chapter Eight


"That is disgusting," Kurt said to Mercedes, as they skimmed through a page where they'd obviously shopped Sebastian so that he looked like he weighed as much as a box of feathers. "I honestly feel bad for him."

"You feeling bad for Sebastian Smythe?" Mercedes stared at him with a hardened facial expression.

Kurt raised an eyebrow. "If this is another anecdote about how I try to save every gay guy in Ohio, then—"

"Is this because you totally told his mother that he was being a big, fat bully? Because that's his fault," Mercedes explained. Like Kurt wanted to talk about that again. "Sebastian Smythe got what was coming to him. It's nobody's fault but his. If he wanted to keep his hands clean, he should've stopped playing dirty."

They were sitting on the pull-up couch in the living room. There was an enormous bowl of low-fat popcorn between them. In the background, Legally Blonde was playing at a low volume.

Kurt was skimming through pages upon pages of photographs of Sebastian Smythe. The real ones made him pause and think most times, especially legitimate ones from his old French high school. The photoshopped ones generally repulsed him. They either tried to make him as big as possible, or as small as possible. It was sickening. What surprised Kurt was that some of the smaller photoshopped ones weren't that far off the actual Sebastian.

"I wonder what kind of diet he's on," Kurt mused. "I'd love for him to give a few tips."

Mercedes rolled his eyes. "Kurt, the only weight you have to lose is the weight of your big, fat stubborn ass—"

Kurt sighed deeply. "I am not that stubborn. I like to think I'm open-minded to plausible suggestions and—"

"—you don't need to lose weight. Hell, I need to lose weight, and I'm going to eat pizza tonight," Mercedes continued. Kurt wanted to tell her that she didn't need to lose any weight and she was perfect, but before he could, she asked: "Did you order us a double-pepperoni, double-cheese? Because if you didn't, I'm gonna smack you."

"Didn't I tell you? Pizza with meeeee is calorie-freeeee," Kurt said in a sing-song voice. "Mercedes, of course, I did."

Kurt was very relaxed when he heard his phone ring. He frowned when he saw it was Nick Duval. He knew that the Warblers were gloomily prepping for their art exam tomorrow. Earlier today, Kurt caught sight of Jeff running outside of the Lima Bean with a giant box of cheap confetti. So, this unexpected call was really making Kurt's alarm bells ring. I hope nothing happened to Blaine, Kurt immediately thought. I hope nothing happened to Blaine.

He answered the call with a cheery voice, "Hi, Nick!"

Nick didn't reply instantly. This was terrible.

"Nick?" Kurt's hand was shaking. Blaine got into an accident. Blaine is in a coma. Blaine is dead. Blaine is cheating on you with Sebastian. Blaine is eating carbs even though he said that he'd diet with you. Of course, you're eating carbs tonight but—

"Hi, Kurt," Nick's voice sounded low. "What are you doing?"

That was a weird. Here Kurt was assuming that something was wrong. Apparently, Nick just wanted to chat? Pre-exam 'how are you, Kurt? Please encourage me I can do great because I'm going to have a breakdown' chat?

"Honestly?" Kurt swallowed the lump in his throat. "I'm stalking Sebastian on the internet." He forced a laugh.

Nick didn't find this funny. "The guys here have been doing that too," he sounded so serious. "You should probably stop, Kurt. Everyone should stop." Kurt wanted to ask what was wrong but he also didn't want to be an asshole and rush him. "Just-just leave Sebastian alone, okay? Why can't everyone just leave him alone?"

Kurt thought Nick was about to confess his undying love and loyalty to Sebastian. This didn't happen.

"Nick?" Kurt closed the tabs, because he did feel bad. Nick sounded like he was going to cry. "What happened?"

"Sebastian's in the hospital," Nick admitted. Kurt's laptop nearly fell off his lap. "I heard he overdosed on water pills and laxatives and he lost so much water that he just passed out."

Kurt felt very numb initially, then the feeling of guilt washed over him. "Is he okay?"

"I texted his sister, and she said that he was pretty okay," Nick replied.

"Oh, thank you, Nick," Kurt felt momentarily relief. Then, he felt horrible for letting Sebastian walk around with that too-thin body like nothing had changed. In fact, he made it worse by asking him what combination of drugs he was on. Oh, and telling his mother that her son was a big bully probably didn't help either. He should've stopped the minute he saw the look of horror on her face, but he didn't. Even when she was crying and sobbing, he continued to tell her about how her son slushied his boyfriend! Kurt breathed, calmly telling himself that regardless of any mental health problem Sebastian had, it didn't excuse his actions. Kurt was right to go to his mother and rat on him all he wanted.

Nick cleared his throat. "The Warblers are seeing him tomorrow after our art exam. I don't think Sebastian's going to show up for the exam, but—um… are you coming with? I already talked to Blaine and he's coming. That is, if Sebastian doesn't convince his mother to discharge him."

"Yes, I'm coming if he's still in the hospital tomorrow," Kurt replied automatically. He didn't know if it was okay for Sebastian's family to discharge him. "I can't say I didn't notice this, but I'm still shocked."

"I always just thought he was extra healthy," Nick forced a laugh. "Do you think they'll get him help?"

Kurt thought the same too. A few days ago, Blaine had sent him old pictures of Sebastian eating salads and sweet potato and Kurt immediately dismissed the fact that Sebastian might have a problem with food. It made so much sense to him right then. Sebastian might've just accidentally ate in a deficit without realising. Filling up on only salad, and little bits of chicken… Sebastian must've been unintentionally undereating. But subconsciously, Kurt knew that if Sebastian really was eating healthfully, he would look healthy. Sebastian looked like he was seriously sick.

"I hope so," Kurt said in a soft voice. "He was getting so thin. I don't understand… did you not talk to him?"

"I thought someone must've talked to him," Nick honestly confessed. "But nobody in the Warblers thought we should mention it. He seemed to be unhinged at times. I didn't want to say anything that'll risk my chance for another solo… that sounds so fucking selfish now. That I wouldn't ask him if he's doing okay, because I'm afraid he'd flip out and not give me another solo. Now, he's lying in a hospital bed because… well, I don't know anybody that said anything."

"You can't say that," Kurt tried to reason with him. "It could've still happened. Even if we said something."

"I'm sure," Nick snorted. "We knew, Kurt. We knew that he barely ever ate because he was skinnier every time you saw him. If it was anyone else, we wouldn't have even let them lose the first five pounds… but it was Sebastian."

Kurt didn't know what to say to that. He couldn't comfort Nick anymore. He was feeling the same guilt.

Kurt asked him what time they were meeting up. Nick told him 'four', and Kurt thought that this was a good time. The minute he ended the call, Mercedes bombarded him with questions. Kurt answered them in a monotone voice.

"No!" Mercedes was in disbelief as he mentioned the overdose and pills. "Are you serious?"

Kurt nodded his head. "Yes," he barely believed it himself. Why was this so surprising? They knew.

"You're not blaming yourself for this, are you?" Mercedes gave him a pointed look. "Kurt, he dug his own grave. You can't keep blaming yourself for what he does and what he doesn't do. You are not responsible for his actions."

Kurt's throat felt sore. "My dad ate too much and had a heart attack. Are you saying he dug his own grave?"

"NO!" Mercedes yelled. "And I don't see you feeling awful for not monitoring your dad's diet close enough."

"Because I did my best with dad. I tried," Kurt said with a watery voice. "Dave Karofsky just nearly died because I wouldn't pick up the phone last time and you're telling me not to feel guilty about the fact that I didn't do anything about Sebastian. This is just as bad. If not, it's worse, because I could visibly see that he had a problem. And I still chose to do nothing about it! With Dave, I couldn't have known that he was having a hard time. With Sebastian, the signs were everywhere. We all thought he might really be sick. Even for just a moment, everyone felt like it could be true."

Mercedes stayed silent after that. She also seemed convinced. Kurt didn't know he had it in him to say such convincing speeches. He leaned back, and then froze when his phone alerted him with a new notification for the BUMU Facebook group. Kurt immediately went to the page and he saw that Sebastian Smythe posted on the group, using his own Facebook: I don't want any losers to visit me. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Kurt leafed through the comments people were already making, and felt sick when someone 'jokingly' asked Sebastian if he tried to kill himself by dehydration, or if he was just that desperate to get rid of that banana bread he ate.