Tag to 8.23, "Sacrifice." Sorry about the wait, guys!
DEAN: (stares blankly)
SAM: (gapes)
DEAN: I….
SAM: (lips flapping) Er…
DEAN: We, um…
SAM: And you, you…
DEAN: …the bar…
SAM: (looks bewildered) This was a season finale, right?
DEAN: The script says so!
SAM: It must be marked wrong!
DEAN: (looking horrified) No…
SAM: But…
DEAN: The song played, Sam.
SAM: (desperately feigns confusion) What song?
DEAN: (sympathetic) You know the one.
SAM: (looks crushed)
DEAN: We…we didn't get to hear your confession, where you told us what you were doing during the Secret Year of Ultimate Destiny…
SAM: That…that was inexcusably egregious.
DEAN: Could they have been smacking us in the face any harder with that shit?
SAM: (getting red in the face) And then they had Crowley ask about it! You know, just in case the audience hadn't quite picked up on the fact that I was hiding something!
DEAN: (touching Sam comfortably on the shoulder) You know what, let's…let's just start at the beginning, all right?
SAM: (takes deep breath, leans against the Impala) Okay…all righty, then.
DEAN: So…this scene with Jody was pretty good. The date thing, it worked great.
SAM: (biting his lip) Yes…it was decent.
DEAN: (looks worriedly at Sam) Deep breaths, man.
SAM: (trying to hold it in, but can't) I'm sorry, but I have to say this! The "kill everyone you saved" thing was brought in too quickly and too late to have any emotional impact! I barely even remember Wendigo guy!
DEAN: I know, Sam-
SAM: And the meeting with Crowley! What a farce! Did he not even suspect that we would try anything? Does he know us?
DEAN: Yeah…I dunno.
SAM: And the tablet trade! I can't believe…(loses ability to speak, runs a hand through his hair)
DEAN: We'd better be done with those titty-fucking tablets, I tell you that.
SAM: And where did you get those handcuffs?
DEAN: The bat cave, I presume. (waves hands in a rainbow shape) Makes it easy!
SAM: (sighs)
DEAN: But I guess we had to get him back somehow, right?
SAM: But why did it have to be Crowley? We could have gotten any demon to cure! There was no such things as a "king of hell" when that spell was written! Curing him wouldn't have made the gates close any tighter!
DEAN: Dramatic effect?
SAM: There might have been a dramatic effect if we had actually been successful and closed the gates no matter the cost, but we didn't! We didn't do anything! We didn't even kill Crowley with the knife while we had him tied up!
DEAN: Can you imagine the character exploration we could have done with Crowley in that scene before I stopped you from closing the gates?
SAM: Imagine how the discussion could have gone! I could have told him all my Year Secrets and he could have died being the only one who knew them, and the audience would have had some questions answered and there would be loads of dramatic irony! It could have been something I could only trust a dying man with!
DEAN: (shakes his head) Could have been gut wrenching.
SAM: (seethes some more)
DEAN: (hopefully) You got a good scene with Abaddon, though, right?
SAM: A great, interesting, utterly superfluous scene, yes.
DEAN: (chuckles sadly)
SAM: That was 100% runtime padding, that fight.
DEAN: Yeah, it didn't amount to much, did it?
SAM: (flatly) No.
DEAN: What did you throw on her? Was that holy oil from that jar in the trunk?
SAM: (bitterly) It could have been bubble solution for all I fucking know.
DEAN: Was it something you learned during you Year o' Mysterious Wonder?
SAM: (cuts eyes at Dean)
DEAN: (looks nervous, takes a step away from Sam) Um…so. Crowley.
SAM: (turns and rests head against the roof of the Impala, pressing his face into the steel) What about him?
DEAN: Got to see a bit of his human side. We finally got to meet old Fergus, at least.
SAM: Think it'll have any effect on the events of season nine?
DEAN: (thinks) It's hard to say. He could have reduced demon powers or something. But probably not.
SAM: Hope you had fun at the bar watching those two guys pick each other up. Must be nice to have so much free time, Dean.
DEAN: We went to go find Metatron! He was…in danger. Somewhere! I think.
SAM: And you had a nice little conversation with that cupid girl. How is her mother, by the way? Did she get the flowers her son sent her for her birthday? What about her great uncle's best friend's son's Bar Mitzvah? Did the kid ever find his lost contact?
DEAN: Very funny, Sam.
SAM: (flatly) It wasn't funny at all, Dean. I did this entire trial by myself…for no reason. You didn't find Metatron. You didn't lock the gates of heaven. You shot the shit for damn near six hours while I got my ass kicked by Abaddon and the shit bitten out of me by Crowley.
DEAN: We found out from Naomi that the trials were going to kill you!
SAM: (roars) WHICH IS SOMETHING ANY CHAPPED ASSMONKEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIGURE OUT!
DEAN: (backs away and stumbles over a chair) Easy, Sam! You're still in recovery!
SAM: I don't care! (breathes deeply) Why were you acting like that was the biggest revelation since the one in the Bible?! Obviously the trials were gonna kill one of us, and since you died at the end of last season, it was clearly my turn!
DEAN: It…it could have worked out! You're the one you said the trials were "purifying" you!
SAM: (glares)
DEAN: What? You did!
SAM: Shut up, Dean. Just…just shut your recently-botoxed face.
DEAN: Hey! I have not had plastic surgery!
SAM: (raises eyebrow) What happened to your obvious-yet-sexy crow's feet, then?
DEAN: I've been getting some extra sleep, that's all!
SAM: (rolls eyes)
DEAN: And wait a minute! When we were behind the car, you said "it really feels like we're gonna win this time!"
SAM: Whatever, Dean, that was clearly bullshit.
DEAN: So optimism's only bad when I do it?
SAM: And speaking of the scene behind the car, you listed "losing my soul" as something to confess. How is that something I would have to confess to? Was that some kind of mistake on my part?
DEAN: I…I don't really know what I was thinking. We were just supposed to…I dunno, remind the audience of all the drama surrounding you.
SAM: Like they could forget!
DEAN: Besides, you're the one who told me to leave during the ritual!
SAM: I hadn't eaten in two weeks! You couldn't listen to me right then!
DEAN: Cas said we could get rid of the angels, too! It would have been a sweet two-for-one deal, okay?
SAM: Yeah, because that was really pressing.
DEAN: How were we supposed to know what Metatron was up to, man? He seemed like cool beans.
SAM: Yeah, what exactly is his deal? Why did he wait until now to exact his revenge? I mean, it seems like he could have done it at any time.
DEAN: And I guess it's pretty easy to expel all the angels from heaven…
SAM: Right? I mean, we had practically all of the ingredients back in season five, except the Nephilim. Could have really come in handy.
DEAN: And my speech at the end, after we gave up on the gates…I don't quite know what to say to that. Guess that means your ass is off the plank for not looking for me.
SAM: So…how do you feel about me now? Because earlier this season we had a bunch of drama about how you loved Benny more than me and how I had betrayed you by not searching, and now you're saying you didn't mean any of that and I'm an idiot for thinking you did mean it? What?
DEAN: It's like me and Cas. One minute we're cool, next minute I hate and don't trust him. Whatever the plot needs, I guess.
SAM: (muttering) The plot of the season needed a coherent structure and it didn't get that.
DEAN: And…so what does this mean about your Sooper Sekrit Gap Year, then? Did you do something you don't want us to know about during that time?
SAM: If so, twenty-three episodes was long enough to wait to tell.
DEAN: And if not, why did they include the Gap Year at all? What was the point of that plot line? We didn't keep up the tension if it was supposed to introduce drama. We pretty much declared it a done deal and continued like nothing happened.
SAM: Maybe it's like the Leviathans. They were never here, you know?
DEAN: And now for that final scene…
SAM: Yep…he pretty much just kicked all the angels out, didn't he?
DEAN: (sings) Heaven…must be missin' some angels…
SAM: With flaming wings, no less.
DEAN: So, to sum things up…the Samandiriel plot was meaningless.
SAM: And Benny's arc, if you really think about all the effort we put into him earlier.
DEAN: And Naomi, who bit the dust off screen.
SAM: And Amelia.
DEAN: (laughing) And Don, who…I don't know why they even bothered casting for the guy, to be straight with you.
SAM: Even Cas's arc won't affect next season directly. I mean, yeah, he was being controlled by Naomi, but it turned out she was good…sort of, I guess…in the end, so all the intrigue surrounding her was a waste of time. He's only involved in this now because he's an angel.
DEAN: And angel with no grace.
SAM: Think Metatron will wear it around his neck like Ursula with Ariel's voice?
DEAN: Uriel did.
SAM: The mystery man outside the cabin from the beginning is forgotten too, I guess.
DEAN: Poof, gone.
SAM: Your PTSD arc, which was actually really amazing, and I'm sad to see it go.
DEAN: Likewise, little brother.
SAM: I can't believe I'm saying this, but the main arc, the gates of hell thing…I think that's over, too. And I don't see what effect it can have on the events of next season.
DEAN: It wasn't even like we got our asses handed to us and had to bite the bullet and give up. We just kind of…didn't do it. Even after we risked hell and high water to do the other trials, either of which could have killed us. Suddenly dying is "the ultimate sacrifice"? Even after we just reminded the audience of all our deaths and resurrections a few scenes prior? We've kicked the bucket at least twice each!
SAM: Wow. The main arc was basically just…dicking around. Total anti-climax.
DEAN: How very Breaking Dawn.
SAM: (laughing)
DEAN: And the only carry over is Metatron's weapon of mass eviction and Abaddon and Crowley's power struggle. I mean, everything else is pretty much done.
SAM: (shakes his head)All that said, I'm still looking forward to next season. I wonder if the angels will have their grace.
DEAN: Luci did. They'll be running around down here like headless chickens, trying to get back into heaven. Maybe Cas'll form an army and storm the gates of heaven, or something bad ass like that.
SAM: That should be interesting to watch. We dropped the whole heavenly disorganization thing in season six.
DEAN: We really didn't treat that as seriously as we should have, did we?
SAM: Right? Raphael was trying to restart the apocalypse.
DEAN: We basically told Cas to fuck off every time he mentioned it, too…
SAM: Hindsight's 20/20.
DEAN: Oh, well. We'll deal with it when the time comes.
SAM: (opens the passenger door of the Impala) What do you want to do during the hiatus?
DEAN: (picks up script off the ground) There's a lot of material from earlier we haven't gone over, man. Might be some clues in here…
SAM: Are you serious? The whole season?
DEAN: What have we got to lose? We even have this nice falling-angels firework show to watch through the windshield.
SAM: (realizes Dean's right and shrugs) What the hell. I have a ton of recovery to do anyway.
(They crack open the emergency whiskey under the driver's seat. Outside, Castiel stands and contemplates his new arc for season nine, hoping he's able to deliver something the fans will love. Sam and Dean do shots out of the bottle cap, watching the angels fall, and flip to the very first page of the master script.)
