AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello all! I know it's been awhile since I've updated, but here's a fluffy post-canon texting drabble I wrote for a friend who I thought could use a good laugh. Absolute crack. (We shall pretend all my faves are still alive.) I hope you like it. :)


Saturday July 12, 2036: 6:02 P.M.

Klaus: I know you miss me, love.

Caroline: What? Do you mean already?

Klaus: Ouch. :(

Caroline: I'm sorry!

Klaus: *heartbroken emoji*

Caroline: Crap, crap, crap. I should've laid the flirting on thick instead, right?

Klaus: That would've been nice.

Caroline: Sorry. I suck, I suck!

Klaus: *dejected emoji*

(6:03 P.M.)

Caroline: Of course I miss you LOADS, my suave and sexy hybridbuns! This little blonde distraction will be ready and willing to distract you later. And I mean all night long (+ forever). *kissy emoji* x10

Caroline: Better?

Klaus: No.

Caroline: *kissy emoji* x50

Caroline: How about now?

(6:07 P.M.)

Caroline: Hello?

Klaus: Don't.

Caroline: Aww, why not? :/

Klaus: Please don't, Caroline.

Klaus: There's no use trying to boost my severely damaged ego with contrived pet names, artificial declarations, or emojis. It wounds me deeply.

Caroline: Liar.

Caroline: You live to be flooded by my excessive emojis, and you know it! The kissy ones are your favorite.

(6:09 P.M.)

Klaus: Not anymore, I'm afraid.

Caroline: *glaring emoji*

Caroline: Take that back. Take it back right now, right now!

Klaus: Can't. Too heartbroken. :(

(6:10 P.M)

Caroline: You big baby. And what a liar you are, too!

Klaus: Try me, sweetheart.

Caroline: *kissy emoji* x500

Klaus: You.

Klaus: Wound.

Klaus: Me.

Klaus: D

Klaus: E

Klaus: E

Klaus: P

Klaus: L

Klaus: Y

Caroline: Lol okay, stop acting so dramatic and depressed please.

(6:11 P.M.)

Klaus: Who's acting, sweetheart? Who's acting?

Klaus: [inserts YouTube video of Mariah Carey's "Heartbreaker"]

Caroline: Oh, come on! We've been through this multiple times today already. You know how I feel about you, Klaus.

Klaus: Do I now? According to who, hm? You? Because if you ask me—

Caroline: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Klaus: That's what I thought.

Caroline: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Klaus: And, yet, I'd cut up my heart for you to wear. Can you believe that?

Caroline: Yes.

(6:13 P.M.)

Klaus: …But?

Klaus: (I sense a but.)

Caroline: I mean, you're quoting Rhett Butler rn? Really?

Klaus: My apologies, but "I was in the middle before I knew I'd begun."

Caroline: Lol good God are you exhausting. Like - supernaturally so.

Klaus: Who? Moi?

Klaus: Never.

Caroline: #OriginalPainInMyAss

(6:17 P.M.)

Klaus: Hey, now, I can't help that my immortal years have fogged my brain so thoroughly that I need constant refreshers and reassurances from you about, AHEM…things.

Caroline: Things, huh? Remind me why I moved to NOLA to be with you again?

Klaus: I don't know, love. Why don't you tell me?

Caroline: *eye roll emoji*

Klaus: Go on.

Klaus: Tell me, tell me.

(6:19 P.M.)

Caroline: I know what you're trying to do right now. Just fyi: it's not going to work.

Klaus: But it's so quiet here tonight—so cold and colorless without you here, warm in my arms, safe against my chest, your lips pressed into my neck…

Klaus: I'm all by myself and I don't like it.

Klaus: Don't wanna be all. by. myself.

Klaus: ANYMOOOORE.

Caroline: *eye roll emoji*

Klaus: I beg your pardon?

Caroline: *eye roll emoji* x10

(6:20 P.M)

Klaus: I'll have you know I take great offense to your prolific use of that eye roll.

Caroline: Good.

Klaus: I'm all alone in this dark, danky, dungeon of a mansion, and this is how you treat me? Is that all you have to say?

Caroline: Yep.

Klaus: Truly?

Caroline: Read it and weep: Y E P.

(6:22 P.M.)

Klaus: You give new meaning to the word cruel.

Caroline: You + Ridiculous = How You Deserve To Be Treated (Ridiculously)

Klaus: Throw an "old but undead fart" (as you so affectionately refer to me behind my back to Bonnie and Enzo - yes - I'm aware of it) a bone here.

Caroline: Why should I?

Klaus: *sobbing emoji*

(6:23 P.M.)

Caroline: Oh, for crying out loud!

Caroline: You do realize Rebekah, Kol, and I literally just left for TSwift's Greatest Hits concert via car service, right?

Klaus: So?

Caroline: Like - five seconds ago?

Klaus: Five seconds? That's all the vacant longing I've left in you this evening, five seconds worth?

Klaus: I cannot bloody believe this!

Caroline: What? Did I (accidentally) hurt your feelings again?

Klaus: *frowning emoji*

Caroline: Well, did I? Spit it out.

Klaus: I'll have you know it's been 21 minutes, 12 seconds, 2.5 milliseconds since you patted my arse and sashayed out our bedroom door - without a backwards glance, mumbled words of adoration, or a satisfactory kiss goodbye, might I add - so I'd say that's a sufficient amount of time for you to miss someone you [fill in the blank].

(6:24 P.M.)

Caroline: Omg, are you kidding? You freaking timed how long I've been gone down to the millisecond? Seriously!?

Caroline: Who does that?

Klaus: It was an educated guess, Caroline. Alright? No need for frantic effusions.

Caroline: *arched brow emoji*

Caroline: That's awfully specific for an "educated guess," don't you think?

Klaus: Don't fret, sweetheart, precision will come to you in time, too.

Klaus: Give it a few centuries.

(6:25 P.M.)

Caroline: Lol you're such a creep, you know that? But you're my creep.

Klaus: Hm?

Klaus: What'd you say? I thought I read something after "my creep" but the connection's wonky so perhaps I didn't catch it…

Caroline: Smh.

Klaus: Care to repeat yourself?

(6:29 P.M)

Klaus: Do you, do you?

(6:36 P.M.)

Klaus: ?

Klaus: ?

Klaus: ?

(6:42 P.M.)

Klaus: *heartbroken emoji*

(6:43 P.M.)

Caroline: Ugh, fine.

Caroline: Klaus, I love you. I LOVE YOU, okay?

(6:51 P.M)

Caroline: I love you so much that it makes my toes curl when I think about how you bit your way beneath my skin, tearing me open in ways and places I never knew existed, forcing me to confront the parts of myself I was too afraid to touch because darkness wound through me like a beautifully untapped mystery, and I didn't want to see it there. I didn't want to feel it there, living, or breathing. Until I met you, I never realized a world of possibility ticked inside of me like a song that refuses to stop, and I love you for wakening my heart to the beat of this ageless eternity.

Caroline: I love who I am with you.

Caroline: I love how comforted I feel in your arms - how safe - the way you kiss me like it's the first and last time all at once.

Caroline: I love your artist's hands which paint the emotions you can't express in words against my skin with the brush of a thumb, fingers sweeping the hair off my forehead just before dawn when you think I'm still asleep; your eyes soft, smiling, as they carve me into a silhouette memory you'll carry with you for the rest of the day, cherishing me the way I've always wanted to be known but never believed I would be.

Caroline: You drive me crazy in all the best ways, okay? So suck it up, last love, because this B-positive blonde's here for keeps! *kissy emoji*

Klaus: [inserts 'I Believe I Can Fly' gif]

(7:02 P.M.)

Caroline: Satisfied now, you incorrigible hybrid?

Klaus: For now.

Caroline: :D

(7:04 P.M)

Caroline: Now, please reassure me you're not sitting in your art studio all morose, bourbon in-hand, a mountain of summer tourists drained to death behind you, with a stopwatch counting down the seconds until I come home?

Klaus: No.

Caroline: Promise me, Klaus.

Klaus: I said no.

Caroline: Promise me, please? You know, because in some warped and demented part of your brain you've convinced yourself I won't come home to you for some reason.

Caroline: (Which, again, is insane considering I LOVE YOU, but whatever, you get the point.)

Klaus: No stopwatch. I promise.

Caroline: Oh, thank God! You had me worried for a second.

(7:05 P.M.)

Klaus: What do you take me for, some kind of paranoid and besotted fool?

Caroline: Given your track record…yeah, totally.

Klaus: Good, because I'm using a pocket watch. ;)

(7:08 P.M.)

Caroline: *facepalm emoji*

Klaus: What? It's an antique I borrowed from Charles II.

Caroline: Ha.

Caroline: Borrowed, my ass.

(7:17 P.M.)

Klaus: Anyway, have fun tonight, love. Oh, and make sure my brother saves me a bite of Taylor Swift when you get home. ;)

Caroline: Wait—Kol plans to eat Taylor Swift?

Klaus: *licking lips emoji*

Caroline: Oh, crap, oh crap! Is that why he splurged on these tickets and wanted to come?

(7:20 P.M.)

Caroline: ?

(7:21 P.M.)

Caroline: We're about to enter the venue, so tell me you're joking.

(7:22 P.M.)

Caroline: Hello!?

(7:24 P.M.)

Caroline: Answer me!

Klaus: *smirking emoji*

(7:25 P.M.)

Caroline: OMG, IS IT?

Caroline: IS IT!?

(7:26 P.M.)

Caroline: This isn't funny, mister. I am not laughing.

(7:27 P.M.)

Caroline: KLAUS?

(7:35 P.M.)

Caroline: KLAUSSSSSS.

(7:42 P.M)

Caroline: Seriously, wth!?

Caroline: I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS KIND OF MIKAELSON FAMILY MISCHIEF. LIKE - AT ALL.

Caroline: What do you have to say for yourself, huh?

Klaus: [inserts a looped clip of Taylor Swift singing "It's a love story, baby, just say yes."]


Comments, as always, are much appreciated. Thanks for reading, lovelies! Until next time!

xx Ashlee Bree