AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello all! I know it's been awhile since I've updated, but here's a fluffy post-canon texting drabble I wrote for a friend who I thought could use a good laugh. Absolute crack. (We shall pretend all my faves are still alive.) I hope you like it. :)
—Saturday July 12, 2036: 6:02 P.M.
Klaus: I know you miss me, love.
Caroline: What? Do you mean already?
Klaus: Ouch. :(
Caroline: I'm sorry!
Klaus: *heartbroken emoji*
Caroline: Crap, crap, crap. I should've laid the flirting on thick instead, right?
Klaus: That would've been nice.
Caroline: Sorry. I suck, I suck!
Klaus: *dejected emoji*
(6:03 P.M.)
Caroline: Of course I miss you LOADS, my suave and sexy hybridbuns! This little blonde distraction will be ready and willing to distract you later. And I mean all night long (+ forever). *kissy emoji* x10
Caroline: Better?
Klaus: No.
Caroline: *kissy emoji* x50
Caroline: How about now?
(6:07 P.M.)
Caroline: Hello?
Klaus: Don't.
Caroline: Aww, why not? :/
Klaus: Please don't, Caroline.
Klaus: There's no use trying to boost my severely damaged ego with contrived pet names, artificial declarations, or emojis. It wounds me deeply.
Caroline: Liar.
Caroline: You live to be flooded by my excessive emojis, and you know it! The kissy ones are your favorite.
(6:09 P.M.)
Klaus: Not anymore, I'm afraid.
Caroline: *glaring emoji*
Caroline: Take that back. Take it back right now, right now!
Klaus: Can't. Too heartbroken. :(
(6:10 P.M)
Caroline: You big baby. And what a liar you are, too!
Klaus: Try me, sweetheart.
Caroline: *kissy emoji* x500
Klaus: You.
Klaus: Wound.
Klaus: Me.
Klaus: D
Klaus: E
Klaus: E
Klaus: P
Klaus: L
Klaus: Y
Caroline: Lol okay, stop acting so dramatic and depressed please.
(6:11 P.M.)
Klaus: Who's acting, sweetheart? Who's acting?
Klaus: [inserts YouTube video of Mariah Carey's "Heartbreaker"]
Caroline: Oh, come on! We've been through this multiple times today already. You know how I feel about you, Klaus.
Klaus: Do I now? According to who, hm? You? Because if you ask me—
Caroline: Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Klaus: That's what I thought.
Caroline: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Klaus: And, yet, I'd cut up my heart for you to wear. Can you believe that?
Caroline: Yes.
(6:13 P.M.)
Klaus: …But?
Klaus: (I sense a but.)
Caroline: I mean, you're quoting Rhett Butler rn? Really?
Klaus: My apologies, but "I was in the middle before I knew I'd begun."
Caroline: Lol good God are you exhausting. Like - supernaturally so.
Klaus: Who? Moi?
Klaus: Never.
Caroline: #OriginalPainInMyAss
(6:17 P.M.)
Klaus: Hey, now, I can't help that my immortal years have fogged my brain so thoroughly that I need constant refreshers and reassurances from you about, AHEM…things.
Caroline: Things, huh? Remind me why I moved to NOLA to be with you again?
Klaus: I don't know, love. Why don't you tell me?
Caroline: *eye roll emoji*
Klaus: Go on.
Klaus: Tell me, tell me.
(6:19 P.M.)
Caroline: I know what you're trying to do right now. Just fyi: it's not going to work.
Klaus: But it's so quiet here tonight—so cold and colorless without you here, warm in my arms, safe against my chest, your lips pressed into my neck…
Klaus: I'm all by myself and I don't like it.
Klaus: Don't wanna be all. by. myself.
Klaus: ANYMOOOORE.
Caroline: *eye roll emoji*
Klaus: I beg your pardon?
Caroline: *eye roll emoji* x10
(6:20 P.M)
Klaus: I'll have you know I take great offense to your prolific use of that eye roll.
Caroline: Good.
Klaus: I'm all alone in this dark, danky, dungeon of a mansion, and this is how you treat me? Is that all you have to say?
Caroline: Yep.
Klaus: Truly?
Caroline: Read it and weep: Y E P.
(6:22 P.M.)
Klaus: You give new meaning to the word cruel.
Caroline: You + Ridiculous = How You Deserve To Be Treated (Ridiculously)
Klaus: Throw an "old but undead fart" (as you so affectionately refer to me behind my back to Bonnie and Enzo - yes - I'm aware of it) a bone here.
Caroline: Why should I?
Klaus: *sobbing emoji*
(6:23 P.M.)
Caroline: Oh, for crying out loud!
Caroline: You do realize Rebekah, Kol, and I literally just left for TSwift's Greatest Hits concert via car service, right?
Klaus: So?
Caroline: Like - five seconds ago?
Klaus: Five seconds? That's all the vacant longing I've left in you this evening, five seconds worth?
Klaus: I cannot bloody believe this!
Caroline: What? Did I (accidentally) hurt your feelings again?
Klaus: *frowning emoji*
Caroline: Well, did I? Spit it out.
Klaus: I'll have you know it's been 21 minutes, 12 seconds, 2.5 milliseconds since you patted my arse and sashayed out our bedroom door - without a backwards glance, mumbled words of adoration, or a satisfactory kiss goodbye, might I add - so I'd say that's a sufficient amount of time for you to miss someone you [fill in the blank].
(6:24 P.M.)
Caroline: Omg, are you kidding? You freaking timed how long I've been gone down to the millisecond? Seriously!?
Caroline: Who does that?
Klaus: It was an educated guess, Caroline. Alright? No need for frantic effusions.
Caroline: *arched brow emoji*
Caroline: That's awfully specific for an "educated guess," don't you think?
Klaus: Don't fret, sweetheart, precision will come to you in time, too.
Klaus: Give it a few centuries.
(6:25 P.M.)
Caroline: Lol you're such a creep, you know that? But you're my creep.
Klaus: Hm?
Klaus: What'd you say? I thought I read something after "my creep" but the connection's wonky so perhaps I didn't catch it…
Caroline: Smh.
Klaus: Care to repeat yourself?
(6:29 P.M)
Klaus: Do you, do you?
(6:36 P.M.)
Klaus: ?
Klaus: ?
Klaus: ?
(6:42 P.M.)
Klaus: *heartbroken emoji*
(6:43 P.M.)
Caroline: Ugh, fine.
Caroline: Klaus, I love you. I LOVE YOU, okay?
(6:51 P.M)
Caroline: I love you so much that it makes my toes curl when I think about how you bit your way beneath my skin, tearing me open in ways and places I never knew existed, forcing me to confront the parts of myself I was too afraid to touch because darkness wound through me like a beautifully untapped mystery, and I didn't want to see it there. I didn't want to feel it there, living, or breathing. Until I met you, I never realized a world of possibility ticked inside of me like a song that refuses to stop, and I love you for wakening my heart to the beat of this ageless eternity.
Caroline: I love who I am with you.
Caroline: I love how comforted I feel in your arms - how safe - the way you kiss me like it's the first and last time all at once.
Caroline: I love your artist's hands which paint the emotions you can't express in words against my skin with the brush of a thumb, fingers sweeping the hair off my forehead just before dawn when you think I'm still asleep; your eyes soft, smiling, as they carve me into a silhouette memory you'll carry with you for the rest of the day, cherishing me the way I've always wanted to be known but never believed I would be.
Caroline: You drive me crazy in all the best ways, okay? So suck it up, last love, because this B-positive blonde's here for keeps! *kissy emoji*
Klaus: [inserts 'I Believe I Can Fly' gif]
(7:02 P.M.)
Caroline: Satisfied now, you incorrigible hybrid?
Klaus: For now.
Caroline: :D
(7:04 P.M)
Caroline: Now, please reassure me you're not sitting in your art studio all morose, bourbon in-hand, a mountain of summer tourists drained to death behind you, with a stopwatch counting down the seconds until I come home?
Klaus: No.
Caroline: Promise me, Klaus.
Klaus: I said no.
Caroline: Promise me, please? You know, because in some warped and demented part of your brain you've convinced yourself I won't come home to you for some reason.
Caroline: (Which, again, is insane considering I LOVE YOU, but whatever, you get the point.)
Klaus: No stopwatch. I promise.
Caroline: Oh, thank God! You had me worried for a second.
(7:05 P.M.)
Klaus: What do you take me for, some kind of paranoid and besotted fool?
Caroline: Given your track record…yeah, totally.
Klaus: Good, because I'm using a pocket watch. ;)
(7:08 P.M.)
Caroline: *facepalm emoji*
Klaus: What? It's an antique I borrowed from Charles II.
Caroline: Ha.
Caroline: Borrowed, my ass.
(7:17 P.M.)
Klaus: Anyway, have fun tonight, love. Oh, and make sure my brother saves me a bite of Taylor Swift when you get home. ;)
Caroline: Wait—Kol plans to eat Taylor Swift?
Klaus: *licking lips emoji*
Caroline: Oh, crap, oh crap! Is that why he splurged on these tickets and wanted to come?
(7:20 P.M.)
Caroline: ?
(7:21 P.M.)
Caroline: We're about to enter the venue, so tell me you're joking.
(7:22 P.M.)
Caroline: Hello!?
(7:24 P.M.)
Caroline: Answer me!
Klaus: *smirking emoji*
(7:25 P.M.)
Caroline: OMG, IS IT?
Caroline: IS IT!?
(7:26 P.M.)
Caroline: This isn't funny, mister. I am not laughing.
(7:27 P.M.)
Caroline: KLAUS?
(7:35 P.M.)
Caroline: KLAUSSSSSS.
(7:42 P.M)
Caroline: Seriously, wth!?
Caroline: I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS KIND OF MIKAELSON FAMILY MISCHIEF. LIKE - AT ALL.
Caroline: What do you have to say for yourself, huh?
Klaus: [inserts a looped clip of Taylor Swift singing "It's a love story, baby, just say yes."]
Comments, as always, are much appreciated. Thanks for reading, lovelies! Until next time!
xx Ashlee Bree
