Baxter was turning eighteen in two weeks and in all that time he had never seen his brother lose his temper the way Brian lost it at Will.
Sure, Brian had shouted before. They were brothers; they played tricks on each other all the time. They punched each other too hard, they broke each other's prize possessions and they always fought over who got the last of Mom's muffins (everyone got one, his father got seconds, the little twins split one and Brian, Baxter and Art had to split the last two as they saw fit. It was every man for himself). So Baxter had seen Brian upset.
And there had been that one time, when Brian was sixteen or so, when he had burst into their room, furious, and picked a fight (their sister fixed them up afterwards because their mother wasn't around to do that anymore and told them to stop being such boys all the time).
But Baxter had never, ever, seen Brian that mad before.
Will would be all right, of course. They healed fast and the guy was a masochist. He'd be fine in a day or two.
It had been surprisingly a lot less satisfying than he had thought it would be, watching Will get what Baxter knew he deserved. All the stuff he deserved it for wasn't the reason it was happening—and Brian wasn't the guy who should be doing the beating.
Bert had offered to come, but Baxter had turned him down. Brian wouldn't want to talk to anybody but his brother.
Not that Brian said anything when Baxter sat down beside him (they looked like twins now).
"The cliff tops?"
"Did Will ever tell you why he started coming up here?"
They hadn't had a lot of heart to hearts, Baxter and Will, even if they were pack brothers and all that. He was a little surprised Brian knew, to be honest.
"His mom used to tell his dad to go jump off a cliff when she was mad. So when he heard that she tried to kill herself, he thought that's what she must have done. By the time he got up here, he was so exhausted he fell asleep. He doesn't sleep well so he kind of fell in love."
Baxter took in their view of the world. "I can see that."
"Do you know how long it took him to tell me that? We could read each other's minds, we were the only people we could really talk to and do you know how long it took him to trust me enough to tell me that?" Brian dropped his head into his hands. "He told me this November. What the hell did I just do?"
"You lost your temper," Baxter said slowly. "If anyone in the pack understands losing your temper..."
It wasn't just Will. Before, Baxter couldn't have understood because self-control was just something you had. Obviously. Now, with the wolf stuff, he understood all too well what it felt like to watch yourself fall apart.
"I don't even...I don't even know why. I just...I was so mad and I...I couldn't stop."
Baxter had seen that part.
"I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't shown up."
That was way too much gratitude that Baxter didn't deserve, not after the way he had given in, time and time again, at the anger burning away inside him.
"You would have gotten your ass handed to you by Will's very pissed off boyfriend."
Brian snorted. "Probably. I'm surprised Levi hasn't already come after me."
Well, he hadn't because Will had been in awful, awful shape and even Levi wasn't meathead enough to beat someone up while the love of his life was bleeding to death, but Baxter didn't bring that up. Instead, he distracted his brother. "Levi will probably kick your ass later."
"I deserve it."
"Brian, you made a mistake. A really stupid, really awful mistake—" Baxter wasn't about to lie "—and it was a really shitty thing to do, but you know what? People make mistakes. You make it up to Will; you don't let Levi take out anything on you."
"I would have thought you'd be buying ringside seats."
"So did I." Baxter found a rock on the ground beside him and hurled it over the edge; it was a long moment later when he heard it hit the water. It still hit the water. Some things were inevitable. "But, I mean, you are my brother."
Brian...Brian looked so happy it hurt.
"So what did he say this time?" Baxter hurried to ask.
Brian sighed. "He...he knew about Francy's job. She told him. She told him and not me and I...I didn't like that. I didn't like the way he talked to me, or the way he talked about her...he's never that nice when he talks about me. And then he just never apologizes for anything...and I was just so mad at everyone and he was just there, daring me to hit him and I..."
"You did a whole lot more than that."
Brian flushed. "I know."
"I'm not surprised she told him."
"What?"
"I'm not surprised." Baxter didn't really understand it himself, but he was surprised Brain, hey-Dad-nice-of-you-to-be-conscious-this-morning, couldn't understand that someone just being around, no matter how they acted, might just make you willing to forgive a whole lot of crap. "It's not like Will and his criminal record can get all morally superior on her, right?"
"He stopped. And I do not—"
"Brian, I distinctly remember being pissed you called our sister a whore, so...yeah. You've been an ass to her for a while."
"She just stopped talking to me."
"Shut up."
Brian should know better. From her perspective, it looked like Brian had stopped talking to her, right after she went away to school like they had always been supposed to. How was she supposed to know that her brother couldn't talk because he suddenly had paws? She couldn't. Brian couldn't call her, so she stopped calling him, so he didn't call her...and eventually they couldn't say anything to each other at all.
"I know I'm not handling it right," Brian admitted. "I know. I don't even mind when Will points it out. Just...did he have to sound like Dinah when he said it?"
"She gets in your head," Baxter said, unable to think of anything else to say.
Brian sighed. "Should I have seen it coming?"
"You did see it coming." It was part of the reason she had done it, Baxter thought.
"I don't even miss her that much, this time. This time I'm just...I'm angry with her," Brian admitted slowly. "I was angry with her last time, but just a little bit. This time I'm just pissed. She acted like she had to take care of me because Dad wouldn't and I couldn't do it myself."
"Beating up her cousin is a productive way of telling her that."
"I really should let Levi—"
"No. You shouldn't. Don't encourage him."
"Levi's going to have to do something."
Levi always had to do something. Sometimes, on the very, very rare occasions when Levi wasn't forcing him to do hours and hours of needless patrols that kept him away from the people he wanted to see, Baxter sort of got it.
"It just better not be hitting you."
"Don't pick a fight with him. Besides," Brian said, managing a weak smile, "You have to save your energy. When he finds out about Judy..."
Yeah. That was going to suck.
Brian was back to looking pathetic, but at least Baxter had an idea about how to fix that now.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Judy."
"I get why you didn't."
"No, you don't. I just didn't want you to throw it back in my face that they're..."
"Like our cousins?"
"Shut up."
This time, Brian managed a week laugh. "The two of you seem good together from the little I've seen."
"It is good."
"Good. I think Dinah kept giving me hints, actually; maybe she just got tired of dating an idiot."
"Keep up the self-pity and I'll make sure Levi does hit you."
"He'll hit you harder." Brian frowned. "You better be very careful about how you tell him. If I could do that to Will..." It went without saying that Levi was the best fighter of them all, but Baxter was actually much better than Will, who seemed to kind of hate it, so who knew what the outcome would be? Not that Baxter wanted to find out if Levi could kill him in three minutes or six.
"I know. Even she's careful about what she says to him."
"I can't believe she could manage not to tell him."
Baxter did not explain that however absentminded Judy sometimes acted, he didn't think she was. Oh, sometimes, lots of times, she blurted things out that most people wouldn't have, but that was because she didn't really see the value in secrets. But she had only ever slipped up about them when in front of someone she not so secretly wanted to tell in the first place. It probably wasn't intentional, but even if it was...once, Baxter might have had problem with it. Nowadays, when he couldn't look at his father most days, he liked the way she demanded openness from the people around her.
"She kind of likes me intact. Listen, Brian, I really am sorry I didn't tell you earlier," Baxter said. He meant it. He was also sorry for a whole lot of things...and maybe it was time to tell Brian that. "I'm sorry I've been so awful to you lately."
"I get it."
"Of course, you get it." Baxter couldn't help himself; he started to whine. "Why do you always have to be better than me at everything?"
"You were always better at basketball."
"Wow. I can put a ball in a net. I'm so impressive."
Brian laughed. "And you're a pretty good wolf."
"Levi can do that. Clearly, it's not that hard."
"You're better than me at lots of things," Brian said easily. Because why would Brian boast when he could just be humble and more perfect? "They just didn't tell you they counted. Listen, Bax, forgiving dad—"
"Can we not?"
But Brian had finally gotten tired of ignoring everything.
"You don't have to if you don't want to."
"Brian—"
"Let me finish. It's not something you have to do. I'm not even sure it's something you should do. It doesn't make me better that I...it's just something I had to do. Okay?"
Baxter nodded, a little afraid to talk.
"And I'm sorry you felt I was picking him over you."
Well, you couldn't ask for more than that.
"Does that mean you're going to protect me when Levi tries to kill me?"
"He might not." Right. "He might not. It just depends on how you break it to him, I think."
"And if he gets a personality transplant."
"You know," Brian said slowly, "You might want to think about telling Will first."
Baxter snorted, then laughed, then punched his brother. "I'm not getting myself tortured to death because you happen to feel guilty for overreacting."
"It's not that. Well, not really. If Levi finds out and flips, then we're not going to be able to talk him down. Judy might but...Will's probably your best bet. If he's on your side, Levi might listen to him. Apparently Will is really good at keeping secrets."
And Brian was still bitter, even if he was too guilty to say so.
"Will wouldn't be on my side. They seem to think they own her equally."
"Well, he keeps telling me my sister can do whatever she wants. After that, he kind of has to let Judy do what she wants."
"No, he doesn't. After all the shit he's done, I don't think hypocrisy is going to make him flinch."
"Talk it over with Judy, Bax. It's the best way of dealing with Levi when he gets...homicidal."
"Well, maybe if Will isn't a vegetable." Brian cringed. "Too soon?"
"Yeah."
"Sorry."
And the two brothers sat up there until the sun rose.
If he hadn't thought Brian's plan had some merit, Baxter never would have told Judy about it. Because he sort of suspected what would happen would happen—her eyes lit up at the thought of telling her cousin and she just wouldn't let the idea drop.
So they were going to tell Will.
"Just let me do the talking," she said and Baxter was happy to agree. "And don't touch me in front of him. And don't make faces. All you're allowed to do is say, 'I care about her and I won't hurt her.' That's it. And you have to say it like you mean it."
"That's not hard."
She gave him a quick peck. "Good. And make sure you stay far enough that he can't surprise attack you."
Maybe Baxter had agreed because he knew he could take Will (and not just because Will was still not quite at full strength after Brian's little beat down a week ago). There was something he kind of liked, knowing he could just force his way. Maybe it shouldn't be a surprise that Levi was kind of a little power mad.
The Lahote place was always clean even if there was something always broken on it (the porch railing today, but the werewolves hopped over it easily). Baxter had only been here a few times in his life, despite how close his dad and Paul were.
Since they could tell Will him was home, and then only one home at ten o'clock in the morning, Judy just pushed open the door.
Will was lying on the couch, A Tale of Two Cities in his hands. No wonder Levi was silently freaking out; seeing Will sitting around, doing something as stationary as reading—and reading Dickens, at that; who read Dickens when they didn't have to?—always made Baxter laugh.
But laughter was much better than white hot rage, so it wasn't as horrific as it could have been, watching Judy hug her cousin hello.
"What are you two doing here?" Will asked as he sat up on the couch, making room for Judy. Baxter stayed standing as she sat down and quietly explained why there were here.
Will didn't even phase. Baxter couldn't believe his good luck.
All that happened was Will cocked an eyebrow, shot Baxter a dismissive look, and asked, "Really, Jubes?"
"He thinks I'm wonderful."
"Congratulations on figuring out the obvious." Will rolled his eyes. "You really want to date Baxter?"
"Yeah. He's pretty great. Maybe if you stopped being such a jerkface to him—"
"Uh huh. You want me to tell your brother?"
"I'll tell him," Judy said. "Just...in a while. He's got a lot more important stuff to do."
"And he'll kill the kid."
Will didn't have to sound so gleeful about it. Judy evidently felt the same way.
"Not if...we can ask him not to. Please?"
Will laughed. "Sure thing, Jubes."
He hugged her and it was almost like Will was a normal guy. For a second. And then he let go of her and turned to Baxter. "Sit down. Give us a second, okay, Judy?"
"Will—"
"I won't touch him. Promise. I just think we should have a talk. Man to man, or something. Okay?"
She looked like she wanted to refuse, but Will could make himself look kind of pathetic when he wanted to and Baxter's girlfriend was a softie. He didn't think she realized she was nodding until she stood up to leave. "Be good," she begged her cousin and then threw Baxter a small smile before throwing him to the wolf.
"Stay," Will ordered as he walked over to the kitchen. Baxter could see the way Will went straight to the knives and the smirk Will shot him said Will knew exactly how terrifying it was to see the ease with which he played with the carving knife, twirling it absently in his hand as he looked around the kitchen. He found an apple and came back over to the couch.
"Want any?" Will asked as he cut off bite-sized chucks and popped them into his mouth, slowly shaving away bits and pieces of the apple until all the flesh was exposed.
"No, thank you."
"Always so damn polite." Will was so sure in handling the knife, he just watched Baxter as he hacked away at the fruit. "I could threaten you, but Judy wouldn't like it."
"The knife isn't a threat?"
"I'm hungry," Will said. "Besides, no matter what you did, I wouldn't touch you. Your family—"
Baxter growled and Will just laughed.
"You're so damn predictable," the older wolf said.
"Yeah?" Baxter snarled.
"Yeah." The amusement faded from Will's face. "You don't deserve her."
"I know."
"You will never deserve her," Will said, "That's just a fact. That girl is something special and you are not fit for her to walk on. If you ever hurt her, if you make her think for one second that she is less than perfect, or that she is not worthy of your sorry ass or that she cannot do and be whatever the hell she wants, then your problem will be a whole lot bigger than me. You will have destroyed someone so much better than you and, boy, there's always a penalty for that. Understand?"
Baxter nodded slowly.
"See?" Will smiled; it was almost friendly. "You're predictable. Hurting her would mean you failed and you can't have that."
For the life of him, Baxter couldn't tell if it was a critique or a compliment.
"Now get lost."
Good manners and the fact he wasn't even bruised made Baxter say, "How are your lungs doing?"
"Fine. Still winded when I run full out but I'm fine. And I said get lost."
Right. But Baxter still didn't leave. Because...
Before even the twins knew their father was a pathetic excuse for a human being, Will had known. And helped. As much as it annoyed Brian to admit (and Baxter, if he was being honest with himself) Will had helped. It was weird, but there it was. And perhaps that was the real reason Brian didn't like the idea that Will knew anything about their sister now because why the hell had he helped her then?
"You know, I'm a lighter sleeper than Brian."
"Congrats."
"So I'd hear you some nights. At our house. And I didn't like it." The first time he pretended Will was there for Francy, because it was better to think his sister was cheating on her boyfriend with a drug dealer than...he didn't want to think about what was wrong his father. That was their problem. But pretending got tiring. And Baxter didn't have Brian's patience (or Levi's strange unshakable faith in Will)."When I asked her what you were doing, she told me you were helping. I asked why you would do that for us."
For a second, Will just stared. And then laughter bubbled out of him, borderline hysterical, making him wince as his damaged lungs couldn't take it.
"You asked her, huh?" Will looked more amused than Baxter had seen him in months. "Maybe your brother's not the smart one after all."
"What?"
"What did she say?"
Francy had shaken her head and her eyes had gotten sad. "Oh, Baxter. Have you ever said no to anyone who asked you for help? Will likes to pretend, but in the end he's just as stuck—you all—you help because that's what you were told to do. They just got the worst of it; you know if you needed a heart transplant, I'm not sure Brian would stop to check which hospital you were at before he'd blow his brains out. Anything else wouldn't be an option. Will likes to bluster but...he'll do what you ask him to every single time. He can't help it. He's never been able to. The best he could do was make it so most people are too scared to ask."
Baxter hadn't thought she was right—he hadn't wanted to think she was right. Francy made it sound like they were brainwashed and stuck and it all sounded so depressing. But...but.
"You think she was right?" Baxter asked.
Will didn't have to answer. She was right—wrong, too, because she wanted it to just be Brian and Will, but it wasn't. Not even close.
"We're just what they made us?" Baxter wasn't sure if it was a statement or a question or a plea for an argument because he couldn't stand the thought that, after everything his father had done, his father's legacy was all that mattered.
"That's not what she said, kid."
"What did she say, then?"
"That we can't escape them. But that doesn't mean...you think you or your brother could be in the same room as me if you were just your dad's kids?"
"Brian takes more after Mom." Too forgiving by far, but you loved them despite it.
"You really think he's just your parents in a blender?"
"No," Baxter said finally. They had shared a room until Baxter was sixteen. No way either of his parents were that annoying. And if Brian wasn't just his parents...maybe there was hope for him too.
"If it makes you feel better," Will added, looking more uncomfortable than Baxter had ever seen him, "I also helped your dad because I got off on her needing me."
"Is it weird that it kind of does?"
"Goodbye, son of Sam," Will said as he lay back on the couch.
