8
Blade was the first to land, touching down on the warm, blood-stained battlefield with his katana already out of its sheath. Immediately, he was besieged by very familiar familiars.
"Hey dickwad, remember me?" asked one of them, half of his face missing. It was Edward, the douchebag Blade had busted a cap in. Come to think of it, I don't even know how he could form such a coherent sentence with only half a face. "You stabbed me in the dick."
Blade looked around, and saw that these were the same scenester vamp kids he had killed in Shitsplat, Washington. Megan Fox, Ray Ray, even Alice was there, looking all generic and unnecessary.
"Ah, yes." Blade said, standing up so that his clear height advantage would intimidate the circle of undead punks. "It seems like only yesterday I was kicking your white bread asses up and down that national park."
"It happened six hours ago." Said Megan Fox, stepping out from behind her half-faced brother.
"Word." Added Ray Ray.
"Well," Blade began, charging past Megan Fox and Ray Ray and up to Edward, whose one eye was filled with shock. He'd never seen a Daywalker move so fast, nor had he seen a black vampire who didn't just speak in stereotypes. "I guess history repeats itself!"
Edward's shock was soon replaced with agony as Blade's katana shot upwards through his crotch and into his skinny jean-entrenched gullet. Twisting the blade and sending lightning bolts of agony into Edward's spine, Blade sneered, and put one hand onto his .44 Magnum. The Twilight kids were getting closer…
Suddenly, Jasper, who was also there, cried out, "Eragon!", as a big red dragon swept past them, shooting a fireball the size of a Buick.
"That Star Wars rip-off prick!" Megan Fox managed to scream before being incinerated.
Megan Fox's dying words brought pause to Blade, whose katana was still inside Edward's convulsing groin. The battle was raging all around him, Fantasy character on Fantasy character. It was truly the ultimate battle. He also noticed that none of his compadres had landed near him. They, like he, were scattered in a sea of rage, being tossed about like midgets in a mosh pit. They needed his help, and the only way they could all defeat Shao Kahn together would be to meet at Mount Doom's summit.
"Looks like our tea party is over, kid." Blade said, taking his sword out of Edward and running between the crowds of fighting assholes.
"You win this round, Blade!" Edward shouted, shaking his fists in the air. "But heed my words, Daywalker. I shall not easily be crushed!"
Seconds later, Edward was crushed by a felled AT-AT.
Across the fiery war zone of Helm's Deep, Yami was busy fending off a gang of Predators with his children's trading cards. You might think this was difficult, and you'd think right.
"Dammit, they don't run away when I throw trading cards at them!" Yami grunted, dodging one of the Predator's claw swipes. Their were four of them, all armed to the teeth with those laser spears and big claw things and whatnot. However, instead of taking him on all at once, the Predators preferred to try one at a time to kill him, while the others laughed, pointed, and drank Space Wine.
"Wait a minute, Yami," Yugi appeared, hovering over Yami's shoulder. "Why don't you try summoning them with the dark energy infused into the Millennium Puzzle by Hitler's Brain?"
"Of course!" Yami shouted, mouth agape with revelation. "That's not a stupid or confusing plot device at all!" Yami then searched through his deck, until he found just the card he needed.
"Gaia the Fierce Knight!" Yami shouted, holding the card into the sky. A black bolt of energy shot out of the card, materializing as an enormous and armored stallion being ridden by a dark, muscular knight wielding a heavy jousting javelin. "Attack the Predator with your Fierce Charge attack!"
The Predator's silver mask contorted with the underlying expression of 'oh-shit-ness', as Gaia the Fierce Knight's javelin burst through its chest, showering its compatriots with its neon green blood. They each, in turn, looked to one another, like those three funny old guys in the ZZ Top videos, before turning back to Yami and his knight. They then each produced a weapon and charged.
Gaia's steed managed to rear up before Yami, and kick two of the Predators in the face with its diamond-like hooves, shattering their skulls and cracking their necks. One Predator, however, managed to survive, and impaled Gaia's horse on his spear.
With Gaia and his mount disappearing back into the Shadow Realm, Yami searched his deck for another card, as the last Predator rushed towards him, bloody spear held firmly before it.
"Ah-ha!" Yami cried, holding the card into the air. "I activate Trap Hole!" As the words left Yami's lips and the dark energy shot out of the card, the Predator leapt high into the air, arms extended and spear at the ready. It soared high, before it slowly began to arc downward. Yami stepped back, hoping the Predator's ankle would break or something, until it became clear. The Predator would not make the jump.
It came down quick, its claws reaching outward for the lip of the pit, which lay a good six inches out of reach. Unleashing a loud and painful cry of anguish, its body landed at the bottom of the pit with a loud crack, every one of its bones shattered.
"Did you see that, Yugi?" Yami asked, raising one fist into the sky not realizing it was the symbol for black power. "That Predator went down like Monica Lewinski!"
"Hey, Yami, check it out!" Yugi said, as he pedaled his legs in the air. "I'm riding an invisible bicycle!"
"While you're being retarded, I'll think of a way to find our friends and help them defeat Shao Kahn." Yami said, scratching his chin. This meant he was pensive. Like, super pensive. After a few minutes of deliberating to the soundtrack of a million Fantasy characters murdering each other brutally, Yami looked up at Mount Doom. "Hey, maybe up there we can get a good view of the battlefield and see where everyone is."
"Didn't Raiden mention something about Shao Kahn being at the peak of Mount Doom?" Yugi asked, still pedaling his invisible bicycle.
"No, not at all. What a stupid thing to say. You must be high on crack." Yami said to his friend as he began to hike up to Mount Doom's peak.
In another spot on the battlefield, Harry and Kung Lao were tag-teaming the most malicious and unfunny animated characters of all time.
"Let's go, M.A.S.K. team!" Cried a tall, blonde-haired mensch in red. "Mobile Armored Strike Kommand!"
"Who the hell is that guy?' Kung Lao asked, pummeling the ever-loving crap out of a small boy in a black spandex space suit. "Answer me!"
"He's Matt Trakker, the leader of M.A.S.K.!" The small boy cried, as Kung Lao let his tiny crumpled body fall to the sandy ground.
"Okay, Trakker," warned Harry, "you're about to get a spelling lesson…in pain!"
"Not likely, child abusers!" Trakker laughed, just as a fat black guy driving a mini-van pulled up. "See this van? It transforms!" Trakker snapped his fingers and the van turned into a high-power cyber battle suit, with which the fat black guy could now finally dance.
"So you're a Transformers rip-off or something?" Harry asked.
"Ha! They wish! Check these out!" Trakker then produced a large, cumbersome red helmet that looked a lot like the ones the Cylons used to wear in the old Battlestar Galactica. "These are our masks! They've got Ancient Egyptian Magic, and also Martian technology!"
"That's clearly a helmet." Kung Lao said.
"Bitch, please. These have lights on top of them." Trakker began flicking a red light attached to his 'mask' on and off into Kung Lao's eyes. "Ever seen a helmet that can do that?"
Kung Lao turned away from the incessant blinking and looked at Harry, who from beneath coke bottle glasses gave him a look of pure 'kill-the-prick'-ness. That's when the pummelings began.
Moments later, when Trakker, the fat black guy and that little kid who was such an offensive Mexican stereotype that he was removed after one episode and replaced with some dorky punk that looked like Wil Wheaton were beaten to death, Kung Lao looked up at Mount Doom, and saw that Blade and Yami were both hiking to the summit from opposite ends.
"They're heading for the top." Kung Lao told Harry. "We must join them, and help them defeat Shao Kahn."
"Hold on, let's see if that chick from Spy Kids is here. She's gotta be legal by now." Harry said, looking around the battlefield.
