The eighth chapter, in which Lily pays a visit, James celebrates, Sirius insults, Remus makes a pathetic excuse for a joke and Peter tries to calm everyone down with some deep breathing.


Dear Lily,

Do you honestly realize how lucky you are? You're a skilled witch, have perfect grades, you're a freaking prefect, and, on top of that, you have James Potter chasing after you. This is what's upsetting me. You have a relationship with someone genuine being thrown at your feet and yet you stomp on it mercilessly. You have a relationship being thrown at your feet, and yet you don't want it when there are thousands of girls around the world are wondering why the hell they don't have a guy when all of their best friends are off making out with boys in broom closets.

Now I know what you're going to say next. You are going to say to me that I don't need a guy to be beautiful, and that I shouldn't follow the crowd. I've heard it, I get it, and I do agree with it. HOWEVER, you have to admit it, the whole, "everyone else has a boyfriend and has been in a relationship and I haven't" eventually cuts into a girl's skin really deep.

Don't give me your "I-hate-James-Potter-scum-of-the-earth" rants either. The fact that he's been chasing after you for basically the entire time you two have been attending school (as my cousin said to me this past summer vacation. She's in Gryffindor) well, that should really say something. I think if you give him a chance, he'll be a sweet heart. I've seen pics of him. He's got a cocky yet Bambi-like persona about him.

One more thing; James will never, ever date me, so that's out of the question.

Why? He's stuck on you

I'll admit it, I just looked over this letter and it sounds a bit too angsty for me. But good lord, am I pissed.

-Annoyed At Salem Academy

--

Annoyed,

Thank you. Finally there is someone on my side here. You are right; I won't date you. Nothing personal, but I hate people who cheat or get around. It always seems to come back eventually and bite them in the arse. It will get Sirius one day. I would like to hear Lily's opinion, so I have managed to convince her to make a special cameo in this, the marvellous Marauder Advice Thingy and she will personally answer this one.

- J

--

Yes, she will be making an appearance on this our Advice Thingy (She is our guest James, be civil) and answering this here question. Sirius and Peter have been locked in a box, without their wands, in the best interests of everyone in general. So they will not make an appearance in this question. Think of it like this, you get a Lily for a Sirius and Peter. The world is a safer place.

-M

--

HA HA I ESCAPED MOONY!

-S

--

Oh dear.

-M

--

Yay, I'm free!

- P

--

Get back in there you two; I will not have you ruining everything when Lily is here.

- J

--

What's going on here?

- L

--

Nothing Lily. Nothing at all. Feel free to answer the question now.

-M

--

Uhh... what is Sirius doing? I-- Wow, I didn't know that was physically possible.

-L

--

That is nothing. Sirius is going away now. On with the question.

-M

--

Okay, then, let me just say, that was a very gutsy question and I guess you make many valid points but, I don't know, I mean, sure James is smart and I guess you could call him kind of cute, but I am yet to see this whole supposed "sensitive side" stuff you have been talking about. If I ever do see this for myself, maybe I might consider what you are saying. Also, I understand the whole "everyone has a boyfriend but me" thing, just remember, the right guy is out there somewhere and you will find him. Wether or not mine is James depends on the future I hope I have answered your question.

- L

--

Wow.

- P

--

Finally, I know how to win you over.

- J

--

Shut up Potter.

- L

--

AWWW! Three cheers for the redhead! That was so moving I think I may cry.

-S

--

Wow.

- P

--

Sirius! How did you get out of that one I practically bolted the door shut! I boarded it up for heavens sake! Get back in there before I shove you off the astronomy tower!

-M

--

I was being sincere Moony. Wait; is it "sincere" or "sarcastic"?

-S

--

He did sound scarily genuine, even for Sirius.

- J

--

Can I go now?

- L

--

No, not yet.

- J

--

Sincere means genuine, honest, truthful, heartfelt etc. Sarcastic on the other hand means ironic, mocking, sardonic, acerbic, mordant, derisive etc. Which did you mean?

-M

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The second one. Not the "heartfelt" one in any case, what do you take me for?

-S

--

I get no support from my friends. How depressing.

- J

--

Were you mocking me Sirius Black?

- L

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You arse Sirius, how dare you mock Lily!

- J

--

Not at all oh Maidenly Maiden of Maidensville. Why ever would I do such I thing? I am shocked at your cruel assumptions! A gentleman like me mocking a fair maiden such as yourself! It is preposterous!

-S

--

Okay, you're overdoing it now Sirius. Now get in the hole.

-Moony

--

James is right; you are an arse.

- L

--

Yay, you agree with me on something!

- J

--

Too right!

- L

--

Hooray.

-P

--

I am an arse. And proud of it. Or at least I don't have a BARGE POLE UP MY ARSE like others I know.

-S

--

Shut up Sirius or I will turn you into a hairy toad.

- J

--

I would have suggested a cockroach, but hairy toad is good too.

- L

--

Okay, though disputes with Sirius may seem to bring a wonderful sense of unity at times, ultimately you regret it in the morning when you find all your socks have been turned into various coloured mice. So I suggest we move on to the next question, which incidentally requires your assistance Lily. Again. So stay a while longer will you?

-Remus

--

Okay then, this is actually fun!

-L


Dear Lily,

Would you please care to elaborate in specific details as to why you can't stand James? The whole, "James-Potter-is-an-arrogant prick" thing is just getting so old, you know? I've been hearing that from you for way too long.

-Mystery Ravenclaw buddy

P.S. I'm just helping you out Lils. I have a cousin overseas who kept going on and on about how immature this guy was that she knew (who just happened to like her quite a lot) and guess what? She secretly had a crush on him. So please get more original in your insults.

--

Okay, I guess your point is also valid; I will have to find the time to think up more original insults.

- L

--

What? I thought we were getting over the whole "insult James" thing.

- J

--

You thought wrong. You egotistic fungus.

-L

--

That was harsh Lily, even for you.

- J

--

But it was original, and that's the point.

-L

--

It was so original that I didn't even understand it.

- P

--

I am really hurt Lily, how could you, I thought you were nice.

- J

--

I am, it's just-- oh, damn. I guess I need to keep the insults not so hurtful, I just can't be that mean. Sorry James, you sickening ball of slime.

- L

--

Thanks, apology accepted, Dear Lily Flower.

- J

--

Messr. Moony would like to politely request that the two lovebirds recognise that they are not the only living beings on earth and should let someone else have a turn.

Messr. Padfoot would like to agree with Messr. Moony adding that James is actually spelt P-R-I-C-K.

Messr. Wormtail also agrees with Messr. Moony and Messr. Padfoot and would like a turn please Advice Thingy Hogs.

--

You guys really know how to ruin a moment.

- J

--

Whatever you immature pricks and Remus, just get on with it.

- L

--

How come Remus isn't an immature prick?

- P

--

Because he isn't.

- L

--

What about me?

-S

--

You are.

-L

--

Damn!

- S

--

Okay, I think we have finished this question Lily will try to find more original, but less insulting insults and we can all move on.

- J

--

Indeed.

- L


Dear Marauders,

How many girls does Sirius Black get through in an average week? There's a bet going on among us Gryffindor sixth years, and I want to win! I say about two a day, but apparently I'm giving him too much credit. Am I?
- Karma

--

I go through about 10 to 15, depending on the weather and such.

-S

--

In your dreams Sirius, more like five you lying scum.

-J

--

It's not even that many, yesterday I saw him with two.

-P

--

Two! My God, Sirius, what happened? You sick or something?

-J

--

I think the fact you treat girls like pieces of meat to be chewed and then thrown away, is completely disgusting!

– L

--

I agree with Lily Sirius, except with less vehemence and food analogies.

-M

--

I don't know. I just haven't been feeling up to my usual fun lately.

–S

--

I thought you said it was because of the weather.

-P

--

Well, the weather has been pretty lousy and all.

–S

--

It's winter Padfoot, what do you expect?

-R

--

I don't see why so many people would want to go out with you?

– L

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Why wouldn't girls want to go out with me? What's not to like?

–S

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The smell for one, the enormous head for two.

-L

--

Yeah, and besides, isn't snow the ideal romantic setting?

– J

--

Romantic setting? What's wrong with a broom cupboard? Snow's good for throwing at Slytherins and shoving down Remus' and Peter's backs.

-S

--

Don't worry Lily; our first date won't be a broom cupboard.

– J

--

Who says there will ever be a first date!

– L

--

And besides, in what way is a broom cupboard romantic?

– L

--

Want me to show you?

-S

--

Black, you are a rude and perverted pig!

- L

--

What? You wanted to know!

-S

--

One more word from you and you'll never be able to sit on a broomstick again!

– J

--

Yes, Sirius apologise to Lily. And James I suppose since he seems to be more offended than Lily is.

–M

--

Yes, I was rather shocked at that response.

– L

--

Fine. Sorry James. And sorry Evans, now because of James and Moony I will never be able to enlighten you to the romances of broom cupboards. I can understand how upset you are but you know what they say: bros before hoes man.

-S

--

Okay, now I will have to hurt you!

– J

--

You dare to… you've "dated" so many girls! You're the slut!

– L

--

Oh, that was too far!

– P

--

Shit. Prongsie! C'mon you don't want to do that to your own friend? Are you really going to throw that chair at me? Wait, don't answer that.

-S

--

Okay lads, and lady, let's just calm down.

-R

--

Yes. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

-P

--

I don't think that's helping Pete.

-R

--

Well, what's your plan?

– P

--

Watch Sirius get knocked out by that chair?

-R

--

James, put that down or I will go elope with Remus.

-L

--

What! Don't bring me into this!

-R

--

Sorry but I could hardly say Sirius or Peter could I?

-L

--

Fine, but, if he says one more thing to insult you, I will throw him out of the window.

-J

--

I think it was very sweet that you were defending me, James, but some, killing Black might have bad consequences.

-L

--

Yeah, like ten years in Azkaban.

-P

--

Yes! Think of how the female population will mourn me! How could you do that to them James?

-S

--

Sirius, I think it would be safer for you if you just stopped talking.

-R

--

Easy, I could rent Remus and Peter out as substitutes. Pimping is legal here, right?

- J

--

You know, I think that is enough of that. No pimping. No renting. No nothing. End of question.

-Messr. Moony

--

And just when things were becoming interesting, damn.

- L


Tiger-cub684: Hey peeps, me again today you have read the grand incluision of Lily, the girl of James' dreams I know I had a lot of fun with it all. But now I ask you all: did you like Lily's input in the advice thingy if so, we may see her a little more often from time to time. Otherwise, she doesn't need to return, as much as I'd like her to. So, now I leave it up to you, my devoted readers. Lily: yea or nea. Also, all questions are appreciated see you next chapter and remember, R and R!

discombobulated.shoe: First of all I want to say that I checked the previous chapters after getting a few reports of déjà vu from various reviewers and you are right. We did post the same question twice. Or rather I did, as I am the one who does the posting of questions. So, sorry about that. Moving on, a big capslock THANKYOU to everyone's who's reviewed! And another THANKYOU to everyone who's sent a question! Keep 'em coming! Really, we would give you all chocolate of some sort if it wasn't so, you know, impossible.