"We're one, but we're not the same. We get to carry each other. Carry each other. One…"
-U2, One.
Kate put the last of the dishes away. Tonight had been hard. They boys were devastated, as expected, but were supportive too. She knew that they would be. They were not happy about her decision to leave Castle out of things, but they respected her decision to do so. With surgery on Tuesday, she'd have a lot to take care of this weekend. She was going to give her apartment a complete cleaning, stock up on groceries that would be needed after she could return home, pick up a few outfits that would be comfortable for her to heal in once she was back home and go shopping for books to help her pass the time in the hospital and at home during recovery. His books weren't an option. This is one crisis she would have to get through without him. She turned off the kitchen light and made her way through the living room, getting the room sorted and back in order following her company.
She was nearly finished when she heard the knock. She knew who it was. She had no reason to believe he'd be there, especially not after today, but she knew it was him. The same way she always knew when he entered her orbit. She could sense his presence pulling her towards him like a magnet. With deep breaths she made her way towards the door and opened it.
"Castle, it's late." She said as she looked at the writer. She took in the look of fear and sadness on his face and waited for him to state the reason for his late night visit.
"Kate." He spoke softly, using her first name again she noted. He stepped closer to her and she moved back, inadvertently giving him access to her apartment. He took it as an invitation and walked in.
"Castle. What do you want? I think enough was said today." She wouldn't make eye contact with him. She couldn't.
"You lied to me Kate. You lied to me and I lied to you. I think it is time we both came clean and stop with the lies, don't you agree?" His voice was tender and before she could respond he was standing there, invading her space.
"Kate. Look at me please." She took a breath, tried to calm her racing heart and looked at him. She was met with tenderness and love. Yes, love. She hadn't seen him look at her like that in such a long time. It stole her breath.
"Kate listen to me. I know you heard me. I know you know that I love you." I heard you admit it and I was so angry with you. I pushed you away in attempt to try to get over you because I understand that you don't love me. For that I ask you to please forgive me. Instead of coming to you and telling you the truth about what I'd heard, I lashed out at you and I hurt you." He lifted her chin with his fingers and continued to speak softly.
"Kate I know you know I love you. It's ok that you don't feel the same, but please don't kick me out. Not now. I need to be in your life… and I need you to stay in mine." Kate was shocked. He knew she knew his confession. He knew everything. Suddenly his behavior made sense. Guilt and shame washed over her.
"Castle. I was broken and I didn't tell you I heard you because I wasn't ready and you deserved someone who was... Someone who was whole, not damaged. So I got help, I worked on myself so that I would be ready to…"
she stopped suddenly as her thoughts caught up to her, wait a minute, did he just say…
"Love. Castle, you said Love. Not loved. You said love. Present tense. But, you moved on. You got over it and you didn't care anymore-" she was abruptly cut off as he moved on her, bringing his face close to her, he allowed their noses to caress, and he whispered his fingers up and down the side of her face. She could feel his warm breath on her, his mouth so very close to where she wanted it. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think of anything other than how badly she needed this man. Then she felt his whisper on her cheek,
"Do you honestly think I could just stop caring about you?" He continued to caress her face, inhaling her scent, their shallow breaths so very close. He slid his hands down her face, to her neck and moved so their foreheads touched. His soft, warm breath continued to ghost across her lips, "Do you think I could stop loving you? Kate I couldn't even if I tried."
Finally looking into her eyes, he saw his own desire reflected in her eyes and slowly moved in to capture her lips with his own. Suddenly she blocked him, putting a stop to his advances. Her tortured expression, along with her conflicting body language showed the internal struggle waging a war within her. She moved her hand to push him back, but gripped onto his shirt in the same gesture with her refusal to completely break contact.
"No. No Castle. You can't. I can't. You don't understand. I can't handle this now. You deserve someone who isn't falling apart. Castle I'm sick, and you don't..you shouldn't…just please-."
His hand cups her cheek, "Kate." He whispered while bringing their foreheads to touch again, " I know. Alexis accidently overheard you and Lanie talking. She saw me tonight, upset about our fight, and she thought you'd told me."
Kate sighed and looked down, unable to look him in the eyes anymore. "I told you to leave. I didn't want you to have to know. You loved a strong woman, you loved someone that I just couldn't be and I wanted to spare you from having to watch things fall apart. I didn't want you to have to deal with this." A single tear slipped from her eye as she looked intently at the floor.
"I don't have to deal with anything, but if you're going through this than so am I. Kate I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. I am sorry I didn't man up, that I acted out against you and made you doubt my feelings, but I'm not in love with the muse. I'm not in love with Nikki, I'm in love with you. As you are…and all that you are." He brought her chin up, forcing her gaze to shift from the floor to his eyes.
She let out a breath, brought her hand to his, moved it away from her chin, and kissed his palm. Instead of putting it down at his side she then turned it and kissed the back of his hand, lacing her fingers through his. She moved her other hand to his waist and pulled him closer. He then slid one arm around her and stepped into the embrace.
To an outsider it would look as if the two were dancing to some music that only they could hear. He moved his head down and grazed his lips across her neck, causing her to shutter. The fingers of their conjoined hands continued to caress as they molded their bodies together. Slowly she tilted her head down so that her lips were grazing his ear, and she whispered "I love you too. So much." The soft hint of desperation in her tone left no doubt in his mind that her words were true.
His breath caught in his throat and his body stilled. He lowered their hands, keeping them joined. While looking up at her he slid his other hand up her back and cupped the back of her head, "I'm not going anywhere. I'm here. In this. With you, no matter the outcome. Do you understand?" She nodded, no longer attempting to stop the tears forming in her eyes. He shifted his eyes down to her lips and back up to hers again. Finally bringing them closer, he softly joinined their lips. She relaxed into him immediately and parted her lips, inviting him in. The kiss, their first kiss without pretense, lasted until they both released for air. He continued to kiss her face, her ears, her neck, returning to her lips.
He could sense her change, the kiss became more passionate, her breaths came quickly, her body pressed more closely, and her hands gripped his back with an intensity he'd never experienced from her. He matched her escalation with his own, backing her up against the wall to gain leverage as he pushed himself against her body. What started out as an expression of love quickly turned into a frenzy of hands and lips and the removal of clothing as he pinned her to the wall, her legs wrapping around his hips. Their pace was maddening and if someone didn't slow things down their first time together would be up against a wall. With this thought he finally pushed against her and backed away. Both were gasping, him in his unbuttoned shirt and jeans, and her in her jeans and bra.
"Not like this Kate. Not now. I want to go slowly with you." She nodded in agreement, running her hands through her hair in obvious frustration.
"I'm going to change and get ready for bed. I've got to meet with my dad in the morning." She moved towards her bedroom, stopping as she reached the door. "I agree we should wait, but I would love it if you would stay tonight. Just hold me." He smiled at her, "Always."
