So this is quite a short chapter (sorry!) but it has a lot in it.
I didn't know if I was allowed to use Ed Sheeran's "Small Bump" but I did it anyway cause YOLO or whatever.
Hope you enjoy and reviews are appreciated as always!
xxx
Chapter 8
Alex and I both sat in chairs outside the prem ward, I had Alex's hand in mine but we weren't saying anything. Jack had come to the hospital after he found out what happened, he handed Alex and I a cup of tea and put his arm around me.
"I can't do this Jackaroo" I said to him. He pulled me into a hug.
"Fletcher, it will be fine. The doctor's will save Xander, I promise."
I sobbed into his shoulder and couldn't help but think the worst.
I ended up falling alseep on Jack's shoulder and when I woke up it was 3am. 9 hours ago I saw my baby, where was he? I looked down the dark corridor, lit only by night lights and I saw my husband and Charlie hugging just outside the prem ward.
I stood up quickly, a little too quickly and Jack caught me just before I was about to hit the ground.
This seemed to catch Alex's attention and he rushed over to me.
"Carrie?" He said through his tears.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." I said.
"Where's Xander?" I said to Alex, pulling him into a hug. All I could feel was Alex's tears falling on my shoulder through my hospital gown.
"Alex?" I said slowly and quietly, "Where.. is our son?"
"He's...gone Carrie." Alex said, breaking down into tears again.
I couldn't believe it. My baby? Gone? This can't be. I only got to see him once. My small bump. Xander.
I went numb.
Alex pulled me at arms length and said "Carrie?"
I feel to the floor in a slump and started sobbing loudly. Alex was so lost, he didn't know whether to cry himself or help me. I saw Charlie put his arm around Alex and I felt a set of strong arms, which could only have been Jack's, pick me up and I feel into a deep sleep. Not becuase I was tired, but emotionally, I was exhausted.
I woke up again the next day with Alex by my side. All the flowers and cards were gone. there was no Bryarly, Charlie, Dan, Phil or Jack. Just me and Alex.
I was allowed home and that afternoon, Alex and I painfully made plans for Xanders cremation.
We decided to do it at home, considering it's where most of the inportant events in our life happen. I heard Alex yesterday, planning a song for today, although I'm not sure he would get through it. He asked me for a title and all I said was "Small Bump"
The same people that gathered at the same place for mine and Alex's wedding we're gathered here again for the funeral of our child. As the ashes were spread, Alex began with his song.
"You're just a small bump, just born, in four months you're brought to life.
You we're left with my hair but you had your mothers eyes.
I held your body in my hand, gentle as I can but for now you're scan on my unmade plans.
Small bump, in four months you're brought to life.
And i'd whisper quietly, and give you nothing but truths
you're not inside me, i'll put my future in you.
You we're my one, and only. And you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight, but you'll be alright.
You we're just a small bump unborn but you'll grow into your skin.
With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.
Fingernails the size of a half grain of rice and eyelids closed to be soon open wide, small bump, in four months you'd open your eyes.
And I'll hold you tightly and tell you nothing but truths.
If you're not inside me, i'll put my futute in you.
You are my one, and only. And you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight, but you'll be alright.
You could lie with me, with your tiny feet, when you're helf asleep i'll leave you be
right in front of me, for a couple weeks so I can keep you safe.
Cause you we're just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life. Maybe you we're needed up there, but we're still unaware as why."
Alex and I walked up to his little memorial and I whispered through my tears, "Mummy and Daddy will miss you Xander."
We went back to our friends and family for comfort, but for Alex and I, things will never ever be the same.
