Author's note: Fanfiction.net seems to have fixed the problem regarding Windows Xp users so its seems
that I can load again. Infinite thanks to Jennifer for loading the previous chapter for me.
There is only one chapter remaining which I will finish as soon as possible.
Warning this chapter is straight melodrama.
Chapter 8
In my lonely little room I tried to carve some form of life. Routine became my shield. I would
wake up, go to work and slay from sunset to midnight. Then I would do it all over again. Every
other day or so I would get a call from Willow to fill me in on what was going on at home. At
first her reassurances were short and sweet. She and Dawn were doing fine and Spike's
condition was stable if not improved. Dawn was taking good care of him and I was proud of my
strong, opinionated little sister with the heart of gold and best intentions.
The hardest times were when I returned to my room after patrolling Sunnydale. Then I would
remember him.
Its so hard to stay away. I realize that at this point my feelings don't matter and that my only
focus should be his well-being. I understood that. I accepted it but at night when there were few
diversions my mind and heart always traveled back to him.
Still, I was keeping my promise.
A few weeks after I left my home Willow came over to talk privately. I was immediately on
edge since "private" conversations among our group usually precede some form of apocalypse. I
wasn't even remotely geared for another showdown with another Uber-baddie but since when
has the calling guaranteed any downtime based on slayer preferences?
But Willow is not the harbinger of evil and she did not come to call me to arms. She came for
Spike.
"Buffy he's not well" she said without preamble.
I didn't know what to say. Part of me didn't want to know because I felt that I couldn't do
anything for him. I hadn't been able.
But Willow did not feel the same.
"You have to come back, even Dawn agrees. Buffy, he won't eat and he won't even leave his
cot. It's like he is dead"
"He is dead" I say simply.
"But he's never been this... this gone. I tried to use magic to revive him but to no avail. His
condition is not physical this time and there is nothing either Dawn or I can do for him. He
needs you"
"He doesn't need me Willow. He's like this because of me. I've done this to him"
"It's not you fault"
"Then whose fault is it Willow? Someone led Spike to this. I've driven him so crazy that he
thought the only way for me to love him was to sacrifice his mind. Just think about it, have any
of us really loved anyone to give up so much for their sake. Spike did so knowing that it would
condemn to a terrible existence. And this kills me..." I couldn't contain the torrent of tears that
I've been holding for days. Willow holds me at my pseudo-emotional breakdown but I'm not
done. "...Everyone gives up something for me and I know that I am not worth it. I wasn't worth
Angel's exile or Riley's and I am certainly not worth what Spike's given up for me" I manage
between sobs.
Willow's tone is patient and comforting.
"Love isn't about tallies or keeping scores. It's about just wanting what its best for the other
even at the expense of one's heart. He did this for you. You've done this for him"
"I've never..."
"Yes you have. You left your home, your sister and your best friend because you thought it was
what he needed. You know al about sacrifice. It's in everything you do. Its in your calling and
in the way you love. Buffy, you jumped into a dimensional vortex to save all of us including
Spike. Don't tell me you're not worth his love because you deserve everything life can give you.
His love is your gift and he needs you right now and I know that you need him too"
I nodded through my haze of tears but I was happy. I was going back to him.
Willow was helping me pack when her cell rang. She answered as I moved to get my bag from
the closet.
I didn't hear what she said on the phone but the look on her face revealed that whatever it was it
was bad.
"Buffy. Spike's gone"
+++++++++++++
I looked for him throughout the length and width of Sunnydale. He wasn't in his old crypt or
any of the "homes" he'd occupied. The school basement was devoid of anything but rats. I
combed through each of the town's five cemeteries fruitlessly. It was as he'd vanished. I feared
the worst but I kept hoping.
On the third day of my search I came upon the little chapel in which he'd revealed the existence
of his soul to me. The stone structure had been abandoned after our "encounter" that trashed
most of the pews and made the place unsafe for use. The door had a condemned notice.
My eyes sought him in every dark corner. I turned around to leave when I noticed one of the
overturned pews shift a bit. My Slayer senses narrowed down to that spot and I waited for
whatever was there to come out.
My lover's form emerged from his hiding place. Even in the shadows he was as familiar as
myself. He stood in front of me. His face was blank and his shoulders were hunched. His eyes
were downcast and I knew without needing him to tell me that my leaving had broken his heart.
"I'm sorry" I whispered as if not to scare him but needing to apologize.
His gaze finally met mine. It was hurt but his devotion was unwavering and shone through. I
realized how lucky I was to have this man's love and loyalty.
I smiled at him and moved slowly to take him in my arms once more. He didn't back away and
leaned in into my embrace, his lips brushed my own softly.
"Buffy" it was a low, barely audible whisper.
I froze at hearing his voice after so many months. It was rough for the lack of use but I
welcomed it. I thought that I would never hear him again.
"I tried to find you...you left me" he stuttered
"I know. I am so sorry for that"
"I thought that you didn't... want...me 'cause I was broken"
Oh god, he thought that I abandoned him. That I thought so little of him that I would leave him
when he needed me the most. Then I realized that the way I'd always treated him would lead
him to think this way.
" I left because I do nothing but hurt you. All that you've suffered has been because of me. All
your pain is mine. How can I ever be any good to you?"
"Luv...you're my love" he said simply.
And I understood the meaning of those words. For he would take me at my worst, at my very
lowest and even when I was hurting him. I was his focus, his unlived life. Nothing that I could
do would make him stop loving me. I was humbled by the intensity of his feelings for me and
for the fact that even now after he'd given up so much he still gave me his heart.
I had to do the same. I've given him my trust, my body but not all of myself.
Dawn was right, Willow was right. Love was all about giving. I had one more wall to tear down
if we were ever going to be okay.
TBC.
Author's note: Will Buffy's "gift" be enough to bring his sanity back or will she lose him
altogether. Stay tuned for the last installment of Castoff and don't forget to review.
that I can load again. Infinite thanks to Jennifer for loading the previous chapter for me.
There is only one chapter remaining which I will finish as soon as possible.
Warning this chapter is straight melodrama.
Chapter 8
In my lonely little room I tried to carve some form of life. Routine became my shield. I would
wake up, go to work and slay from sunset to midnight. Then I would do it all over again. Every
other day or so I would get a call from Willow to fill me in on what was going on at home. At
first her reassurances were short and sweet. She and Dawn were doing fine and Spike's
condition was stable if not improved. Dawn was taking good care of him and I was proud of my
strong, opinionated little sister with the heart of gold and best intentions.
The hardest times were when I returned to my room after patrolling Sunnydale. Then I would
remember him.
Its so hard to stay away. I realize that at this point my feelings don't matter and that my only
focus should be his well-being. I understood that. I accepted it but at night when there were few
diversions my mind and heart always traveled back to him.
Still, I was keeping my promise.
A few weeks after I left my home Willow came over to talk privately. I was immediately on
edge since "private" conversations among our group usually precede some form of apocalypse. I
wasn't even remotely geared for another showdown with another Uber-baddie but since when
has the calling guaranteed any downtime based on slayer preferences?
But Willow is not the harbinger of evil and she did not come to call me to arms. She came for
Spike.
"Buffy he's not well" she said without preamble.
I didn't know what to say. Part of me didn't want to know because I felt that I couldn't do
anything for him. I hadn't been able.
But Willow did not feel the same.
"You have to come back, even Dawn agrees. Buffy, he won't eat and he won't even leave his
cot. It's like he is dead"
"He is dead" I say simply.
"But he's never been this... this gone. I tried to use magic to revive him but to no avail. His
condition is not physical this time and there is nothing either Dawn or I can do for him. He
needs you"
"He doesn't need me Willow. He's like this because of me. I've done this to him"
"It's not you fault"
"Then whose fault is it Willow? Someone led Spike to this. I've driven him so crazy that he
thought the only way for me to love him was to sacrifice his mind. Just think about it, have any
of us really loved anyone to give up so much for their sake. Spike did so knowing that it would
condemn to a terrible existence. And this kills me..." I couldn't contain the torrent of tears that
I've been holding for days. Willow holds me at my pseudo-emotional breakdown but I'm not
done. "...Everyone gives up something for me and I know that I am not worth it. I wasn't worth
Angel's exile or Riley's and I am certainly not worth what Spike's given up for me" I manage
between sobs.
Willow's tone is patient and comforting.
"Love isn't about tallies or keeping scores. It's about just wanting what its best for the other
even at the expense of one's heart. He did this for you. You've done this for him"
"I've never..."
"Yes you have. You left your home, your sister and your best friend because you thought it was
what he needed. You know al about sacrifice. It's in everything you do. Its in your calling and
in the way you love. Buffy, you jumped into a dimensional vortex to save all of us including
Spike. Don't tell me you're not worth his love because you deserve everything life can give you.
His love is your gift and he needs you right now and I know that you need him too"
I nodded through my haze of tears but I was happy. I was going back to him.
Willow was helping me pack when her cell rang. She answered as I moved to get my bag from
the closet.
I didn't hear what she said on the phone but the look on her face revealed that whatever it was it
was bad.
"Buffy. Spike's gone"
+++++++++++++
I looked for him throughout the length and width of Sunnydale. He wasn't in his old crypt or
any of the "homes" he'd occupied. The school basement was devoid of anything but rats. I
combed through each of the town's five cemeteries fruitlessly. It was as he'd vanished. I feared
the worst but I kept hoping.
On the third day of my search I came upon the little chapel in which he'd revealed the existence
of his soul to me. The stone structure had been abandoned after our "encounter" that trashed
most of the pews and made the place unsafe for use. The door had a condemned notice.
My eyes sought him in every dark corner. I turned around to leave when I noticed one of the
overturned pews shift a bit. My Slayer senses narrowed down to that spot and I waited for
whatever was there to come out.
My lover's form emerged from his hiding place. Even in the shadows he was as familiar as
myself. He stood in front of me. His face was blank and his shoulders were hunched. His eyes
were downcast and I knew without needing him to tell me that my leaving had broken his heart.
"I'm sorry" I whispered as if not to scare him but needing to apologize.
His gaze finally met mine. It was hurt but his devotion was unwavering and shone through. I
realized how lucky I was to have this man's love and loyalty.
I smiled at him and moved slowly to take him in my arms once more. He didn't back away and
leaned in into my embrace, his lips brushed my own softly.
"Buffy" it was a low, barely audible whisper.
I froze at hearing his voice after so many months. It was rough for the lack of use but I
welcomed it. I thought that I would never hear him again.
"I tried to find you...you left me" he stuttered
"I know. I am so sorry for that"
"I thought that you didn't... want...me 'cause I was broken"
Oh god, he thought that I abandoned him. That I thought so little of him that I would leave him
when he needed me the most. Then I realized that the way I'd always treated him would lead
him to think this way.
" I left because I do nothing but hurt you. All that you've suffered has been because of me. All
your pain is mine. How can I ever be any good to you?"
"Luv...you're my love" he said simply.
And I understood the meaning of those words. For he would take me at my worst, at my very
lowest and even when I was hurting him. I was his focus, his unlived life. Nothing that I could
do would make him stop loving me. I was humbled by the intensity of his feelings for me and
for the fact that even now after he'd given up so much he still gave me his heart.
I had to do the same. I've given him my trust, my body but not all of myself.
Dawn was right, Willow was right. Love was all about giving. I had one more wall to tear down
if we were ever going to be okay.
TBC.
Author's note: Will Buffy's "gift" be enough to bring his sanity back or will she lose him
altogether. Stay tuned for the last installment of Castoff and don't forget to review.
