Connor was back on Jude's couch. They had another comedy special going in the background as they studied, which Connor had originally found a little distracting, but he was now able to tune it out. Jude had said that he liked studying with some noise on in the background and Connor could deal with it. And since they were in Jude's apartment, Connor knew that he had to be more respectful to Jude's rules. It was his space and he go to decide what happened here. They were sitting cross-legged facing one another and one of Jude's knees was against Connor's knee. They hadn't sat like this originally, but Jude had leant forward to show Connor something in his book and their knees had brushed, and know they were staying that way. At the first contact, Connor's heart had flown into his throat and had started thrumming. He'd barely been able to understand what Jude was saying about the reading. But they had been sitting like this for nearly an hour now and, though Connor's leg was cramping, he didn't want to move. He was getting used to touching Jude in small, insignificant ways. He was beginning to find that he might even like it when it came to Jude; he thought that it might mean something that it was only Jude that he could handle this with.
"The words are starting to blur for me. I swear, Kroger gave us extra reading this week."
"Not much more than usual," Connor said slowly, flipping the pages that they had been assigned this week and guessing, "Maybe an extra twenty pages or so."
Jude made a small noise and keeled forward in frustration, his head almost low enough to rest on Connor's other knee. He was so close that Connor could feel the heat from his body and Connor took a moment to study the back of his head. Connor hesitated, but he knew what he was supposed to be working on. He reached out and gently patted Jude on the shoulder. Connor's nerves settled when one of Jude's hands didn't flash up to grab his wrist, roughly demanding to know what he was doing. Jude seemed to relax when Connor touched him, and then he sighed softly and sat up, leaning his elbow on one of his knees. He picked up his book, made a face, and he met Connor's eyes.
"Let's finish this," he said. "We'll never start again if we take a break."
"You mean that you won't?" Connor said, although he didn't know if he could say it or if Jude would fight him on it, demanding what he was trying to imply. He didn't think that Jude would do something like that, but sometimes Connor's head got mixed up and he had to take a step back and try to separate the fact that Jude was not like anyone from his past. Just because Connor's fear wanted to see Jude that way, didn't mean that Jude was anything like that.
"Yeah, I'll never open another textbook again if we don't get through these last hundred pages."
"Nine pages," Connor corrected, checking his book. "Eight and a half, really."
"It doesn't sound so bad when you say it," Jude mused.
"Eight and a half pages. And then we can actually pay attention and see if this comedian is any good."
"Fair," Jude said. "Though it'll take forever."
"Fifteen minutes," Connor said.
"I'll take that bet," Jude said. "If you're right, I'll get up and make grilled cheese for supper. But if you're wrong, you have to do it."
"That's not really a hard bet," Connor said.
"Speak for yourself. It would take a minor miracle to get me off this couch right now." Jude tapped his fingers against his book. "Going to take me up on it? We also have to promise that we're not going to change our reading speeds just to win."
"I'm not a liar."
"You don't know that I'm not."
"I think I do."
"So, what do you say?" Jude asked.
Connor held out his hand formally. He and Jude shook on it. Connor was proud that his hands weren't trembling when they let go. He was getting used to this. At least, with Jude, he was getting used to this. He still flinched away whenever someone accidentally brushed shoulders with him. Maybe his therapist was right. Maybe by practicing with Jude, he would be able to act like a normal person in time. Maybe, when the winter break came around and Connor was reunited with Adam, he would be able to give his father a hug. Adam had never been a particularly cuddly person but Connor knew how much a hug would mean to Adam.
"Time starts … now!" Jude said.
They returned to their textbooks, which was mildly anticlimactic after Jude's vigorous announcement. They read on and, at the ten minute mark, Connor shut his textbook. At the twelve minute mark, Jude shut his.
"Fine, fine," Jude grumbled playfully.
Connor was strangely thrilled to be able to tell the difference between something teasing and something serious. He had gotten good at reading people, or at least he hoped he had, but sometimes he still got caught in a loop where everything was scary to him and casual things could feel like threats. Now, though, Jude stretched and stood up.
"Fine, fine you're allowed to look smug. You were right."
"I was right," Connor repeated.
"But you don't need to rub it in."
Connor watched Jude over the back of the couch as Jude started working around in the kitchen. He felt very strange being this far away from Jude in Jude's apartment. Shouldn't Jude be watching him? Didn't Jude want to be careful about what Connor was doing? Connor decided to sit at one of the stools that were against Jude's kitchen counter.
"Careful with the one closest to the wall," Jude said. "Sometimes the back likes to fall off of it."
Connor didn't sit in that one.
"Do you want bacon on yours? Might as well make it as fancy as possible."
"Bacon and cheese?"
"The height of fancy dining," Jude replied. "I might have a vegetable if you're a stickler about that kind of thing."
"You don't need to do anything special for me."
"I know. But is it okay if I want to?"
Jude cracked open his fridge, throwing a packet of bacon, some cheese slices, a tomato, and lettuce up onto the counter.
"BLT?" Jude suggested. He leant on the counter across from Connor, his elbow almost slipping into the sink. "I like the sound of it better than a grilled cheese."
"Okay," Connor said. "I like the sound of it too."
"Because great minds think alike. I know I'm brilliant and I suspect that you are too."
Jude put bacon in a pan and then he turned to preparing the sandwiches. Connor watched him spread mayo across all four slices of bread. He rooted around for his courage, because sometimes it was still an effort to carry on normal conversation.
"Don't you know me well enough by now?"
"There's a ton I don't know about you," Jude replied. "I'd like to know more of it. But … yeah. You're right. I do know you're brilliant."
Connor bit down on the inside of his cheek. Compliments were hard to hear, even though he had invited it in.
"For example, I don't know whether or not you can sing."
"I can't."
"So, then, what would it take to get you to sing?"
Connor pondered this while Jude sliced the tomato. While Jude was carefully layering them onto the sandwiches, Connor finally thought of a reply that was halfway clever. At least, in his opinion. But the only thing that Connor knew for sure about his own cleverness was that it was non-existent. Connor was also sure that he could say something to Jude and that Jude would not reject him, even if what he said was dumb. Jude was not the people Connor had known.
"More money than you'll ever have."
"Hmm." Jude picked the bacon up out of the frying pan and blotted the grease off it. "Even if I won the lottery?"
"Even if you won the lottery twice."
"So, what you're saying is … you'll enter a karaoke competition if I win the lottery three times?"
"Sure," Connor agreed. "That seems like an easy bet to take."
Jude put the sandwiches in the oven and he turned to face Connor. "I'm blaming you for my future gambling addiction."
"If an addiction is the price of this bet, then I take it back."
"Hey, hey," Jude said soothingly, hearing the high spike in Connor's voice. "Don't worry about me and that. I'm careful. I know I need to be careful."
"W-what do you mean?" Connor asked, and then he quickly clamped his hand over his mouth. He whispered through his fingers, "If I'm allowed to ask."
"You can be genetically predisposed toward addiction," Jude said. He turned back to the oven, flipping the sandwiches. "Basic psych stuff. My biological mother was killed in a drunk driving incident caused by my bio dad. They both liked to drink … maybe a little too much. Dad got out of jail and he was good about it, really good. Even to the point where we were in each other's lives a bit after I turned thirteen. And then when I turned eighteen, there was a shooting at his workplace and he watched people die and he couldn't deal with that and he started drinking again and he died before I turned twenty."
Jude didn't look at him as he transferred the sandwiches onto plates and put one in front of Connor. The room was silent as Jude circled around to take the stool on Connor's left.
"I'm sorry, Jude."
The words were not enough.
"I know. It's okay. I don't hide that stuff about me. I mean, I don't advertise it but I don't hide it either. I drink sometimes. Never more than two beer in a night. I know my limits and I'm careful. As much as I cared about my biological parents, I don't need to copy them on some things."
"Still, I shouldn't have pushed you." Connor rested his hand on Jude's forearm.
Jude's fingers covered his own. "You didn't push. And I wouldn't have told you if I didn't want to."
Connor felt an instinct to pull his hand away, but he didn't want to. He shifted his hand and, though he didn't exactly mean for it to happen but, then, he and Jude were holding hands. "You love your adoptive mothers, though? Stef and Lena?"
It wasn't something that Connor really needed to ask. Jude had never made any attempt to tone down the love that he felt for his adoptive family. He knew it was the right thing to bring up, too, as the storm clouds that had drifted across Jude's eyes seemed to clear considerably.
"They're the best people. I had to wait thirteen years but they're my family. They were worth waiting for." Jude squeezed his hand. "Now, eat. I'd hate for you to waste the spoils of your win."
Connor let go of Jude's hand and he picked up the sandwich. As he took his first bite, Jude spoke.
"Now, remember, sandwiches are my speciality so it's the only decent thing I'll ever make for you."
"It's good, Jude."
Connor felt a bump as Jude rested his foot on the bottom rung of Connor's stool. "Are you just trying to placate me?"
"No."
"All right, I trust you."
They finished off their dinner and then Jude put their dishes away in the dishwasher.
"Finish the comedy special before I take you home?"
"Yeah," Connor agreed.
They took their spots on the couch. Connor was surprised to find that he already thought of one end of Jude's couch as his own. He couldn't imagine sitting on the opposite side. He shifted a little closer to the middle, though, and said, "You know, Jude, I trust you too."
"Good."
Connor reached out, unsure of himself, his decisions, and what he was doing. Still, for the second time that night, he took Jude's hand. When the nerves faded, Connor thought that he might even like it. But that thought was too scary to fathom and so, instead, Connor focused on the TV ahead of him.
The chapter's title is after the song Show Me What I'm Looking For by Carolina Liar. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~
