Standard disclaimers apply here.
Warning! Some adult content. Oh, and spoilers for the most recent chapters (195 included).
The section in italics before the fic is from The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood (not entirely related but it was a jumping off point, so to speak). The title is taken from it as well. Nonlinear again because it's basically my favorite style, though writing has been a real source of frustration lately. I gloss over things because probably a lot of other stuff is going to happen before this arc ends. I feel like some parts might be weird, but it's meant to be sort of disjointed. I don't know how well I wrote Lavi because I never have before, but meh. Anyway, feedback would be nice. Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed so far (and sorry for not responding directly. I'm not sure why I got away from that). Also, 4-1-3-2-5.
Mayday used to be a distress signal, a long time ago, in one of those wars we studied in high school. I kept getting them mixed up, but you could tell them apart by the airplanes if you paid attention. It was Luke who told me about mayday, though. Mayday, Mayday, for pilots whose planes had been hit, and ships – was it ships too? – at sea. Maybe it was S O S for ships. I wish I could look it up. And it was something from Beethoven, for the beginning of the victory, in one of those wars.
Do you know what it came from? said Luke. Mayday?
No, I said. It's a strange word to use for that, isn't it?
Newspapers and coffee, and Sunday mornings, before she was born. There were still newspapers, then. We used to read them in bed.
It's French, he said. From m'aidez.
Help me.
or else the light
Lenalee was calm; it was calm.
But that was a lie. There was nothing like tranquility or peace out there.
The cabin was small and sat in the middle of nowhere, and its shelter meant nothing if it couldn't protect them from attack. It could come from every direction and there wasn't even a corner to be backed into; they would be simply out of luck if that happened. They weren't about to leave this place just yet, however.
Outside war was raging, Lenalee was half-sprawled on a table, and Kanda was hovering above her with a look in his eyes that she returned.
Ever since that day as they all seemed to call it, every mission was approached with incredible caution. The earl hadn't gotten what he'd wanted, but that was all she knew.
No one would tell her exactly what happened; when she'd ask, the scientists appeared sick, Allen seemed determined yet regretful, and Kanda completely ignored the question; ignored her, which he never did and it bothered her so much. She almost wanted to badger him about it (Why is your hair lighter? What did you do? Why did my brother have that expression on his face when we all returned? – intensely serious, his lips in a thin line rather than happiness that they were all still alive – What happened?) but refrained because she knew that wouldn't help.
Lenalee thought he'd maybe tell her on his own, like he had a few things here and there (they'd known each other for so long; how could he not let something slip?); his lips were tightly sealed on this matter.
They sat together in the library; they sat across from each other in the cafeteria; they trained next to and with each other occasionally; and she lingered at his door some nights, wondering if she should go in but never doing it (and he sat on his bed those nights, waiting for her to come in but never inviting her).
She asked him nothing and received no answers; life went on that way.
She'd gone on a mission to France with Allen and Kanda a few months later.
It had gone horribly, terribly wrong.
Allen, despite his best efforts, slipped a little. Kanda, remembering only too well that if the 14th in him awakened he should be killed (and forgetting the "determined to be a threat to the Order" part...but she didn't know; she hadn't seen; she hadn't heard his...its voice that day), immediately went to kill him. Lenalee, though she knew that it was an order that he be..., had almost gone to try and stop them when they all heard the voice.
A child crying nearby; an akuma about to attack. The 14th was gone but Allen's eye wasn't working for some reason; they only knew when it was almost too late.
Lenalee was injured, but not by the akuma and therefore she wasn't succumbing to the virus. Kanda had grabbed her and dragged her back in time, getting what was meant for her. Her arm was broken but she was alive.
When it was all over, Allen had come over to her to see how she was, and she felt bad at how concerned and worried he looked. (No shadows of the 14th there, which was good because she'd seen enough to last her forever.) The bone needed to be set and Kanda did it without hesitation, though he made sure she was ready and that she was alright after.
She was confused when Allen glanced over at him and was about to say something; Kanda told him to shut up before he spoke, and in the dark she continued to be.
Lenalee idled in the kitchen, waiting for the cookies to finish baking. She wasn't making them to try to bribe Allen; of course not. Baking soothed her nerves and coming back from that...The Third Exorcists were all gone. There was no trace of them.
The expression on her brother's face made her feel agitated; it was so grim. He wouldn't say anything, either, no matter how many times she appealed to him.
Frustrated, she almost threw the cookies down on the cooling rack.
A noise behind her signaled that she wasn't alone. She turned and found Lavi there, slightly disheveled.
"Cookies at midnight?" he questioned instead of greeting her. There was something near a smile on his face, but it wasn't quite there for some reason.
"I couldn't sleep." Lenalee set the empty tray down and shut off the oven. Good thing she noticed; it might have been on all night otherwise. She was in the smaller kitchens that were only used occasionally during the day. "You?"
A yawn before he spoke. "Same. Where does Jeryy keep the alcohol?" he asked lightly, mostly joking, and she gave a short, small laugh.
"Over there." He started toward the back. "Under lock and key."
"That's no fun," he responded mildly, not facing her. Instead, he poured himself a glass of water; he glanced at her finally and saw that she was gripping the scraper in her hands so hard her knuckles were almost white. "Lenalee?"
"What?"
Instead of saying more, he walked over to her and gently pulled the tool away from her. Her fingers ached from holding it so tightly and she flexed them. He set it aside and stared at her; she looked away, not liking how he was studying her.
"Are you all right?" he inquired.
"I'm fine," she replied, going over to the cookies. "Just in the dark, that's all."
There was such a long pause that she almost thought Lavi left. "No one told you?"
Pivoting, Lenalee eyed him. "You know what happened?"
"Of course," he said, and she remembered that – of course – he'd know about it. He knew about everything; it apparently came with being Bookman's apprentice.
"Tell me," she demanded, but he spun and started to walk out. "Wait!"
"There are some things you're better off not knowing, Lenalee. Good night." He flipped the lights off from force of habit, and the room was blanketed with gloom. It was chased away by brightness as he caught himself and apologized with a quick call behind him.
It didn't really matter; she knew her way out just fine. Still, it was nice to not have to walk through dark rooms; trying to move through them and not trip over anything, trusting memory alone.
Once her arm healed, Lenalee was sent on another mission with Allen and Kanda.
It seemed that all of her missions with them were destined to go badly.
The incident in France repeated itself, but they were chasing after him this time, into this forest and toward that cabin. They had no idea where he'd gone but she'd dragged him into the vulnerable building.
She never intended for this to happen. At least, not here.
There was the threat of death outside, and she was taking her shorts off. Was she imaging the popping sound of bullets as he unbuttoned his coat? Or were there shots being fired as she helped him with his pants?
And when they kissed for the first time – it was not touches or words but a glance they'd shared that had them stripping off the necessary clothes only – perhaps the rushing sound was the wind and not some sort of odd attack. The cabin didn't move but the table probably wasn't sturdy. She had to stop him at one point; she wasn't sure she was (physically) ready but he understood.
His hand moved under her coat, between her legs; she gasped and wondered if that flicker in the corner of her eye was her imagination or – he pulled back and she thought he was going to leave; she'd closed her eyes so she wouldn't have to wonder about seeing things and then...
Afterward, Kanda kissed her again. Lenalee sank her fingers into the arms of his coat, returned it, and pretended that they were somewhere, anywhere else (maybe they'd be happy, maybe they'd be warm, maybe they'd feel comfort instead of this constant anxiety).
Then it was over, and she had to yank her shorts back on and he had to pull up his pants and grab his coat, and they were faced with an immense amount of akuma (and Allen nowhere in sight) when they left.
As she launched herself and he already had his sword in hand, she knew there was nothing to worry about. What had happened no longer mattered; there was no time to agonize over it anymore. And those fleeting moments they'd just shared might not be repeated, but it was - and would most likely have to be - enough.
