Not my best piece of work, but a necessary piece. I struggled with it so I am again sorry it took me so long. I am going to try to get on the next chapter, but I may be out of town this week, so it may be tough, but I promise to try! I at least have an idea this time!
There was knocking. Insistent knocking. Castle lifted his head to see if the knocking was real or just some twisted part of his tumultuous sleep state. When he head the knock again, he pushed off the bed.
"Coming!" he called, his voice cracking in protest. He shuffled into the bathroom and did a quick brushing of his teeth before he went to greet whoever decided to show up at his door at seven AM
Beckett took a long sip of her coffee as she waited for the door to open. To say she was exhausted was a vast understatement. In addition to being on edge most of the past week , the drama of last night gave her very little chance for sleep. Between everything running through her head and the need to check on Genevieve every time she heard a noise, she maybe amount three hours. Not to mention the fact that she had been up for the last hour and a half speaking with her daughter.
Castle scrubbed one hand over his face as he reached for the door knob. He was almost as surprised by this visitor as he was by the one he had the night before.
"Beckett?" There was part of him that was sure he was hallucinating. She extended a large cup of coffee towards him. A peace offering. He just stared at it.
"It's not poison. I figured I would be getting you out of bed so the least I could do was bring you a cup of coffee," she mentioned with a soft smile. Castle couldn't help but afford himself a soft smile as well. For the first time in weeks Beckett actually seemed approachable. That didn't erase all of the damage she had done, but it was good to know she had lowered her shield. At least for the time being.
"Thanks," he murmured, taking the cup and opening the door enough to let her inside.
Beckett looked around the loft. The usually homey space looked bleak and empty. No wonder he felt lonely. The place had lost its spark of life. Her eyes caught on the pieces of shattered glass near the hallway.
"Oh. Yeah, one of the frames fell off the wall...after…uh…I hit it...with my shoe," he mentioned awkwardly. He knew he should have cleaned it up already. He broke it over a week ago. He just never got around to it. "I'm sure you didn't come here to discuss my broken wall art. At least I hope you didn't," he changed the subject.
"Is there some reason you did hope I would show up?" she wondered, arching an eyebrow at him.
"No. Actually I am surprised to see you," he shrugged, taking another sip of his coffee.
"I guess the walls have been pretty high lately," she replied nonchalantly as if she hadn't been a raging lunatic for the last week or so.
"Impenetrable. I figured it best to retreat until other plans could be formulated or the guards were let down," he continued with her line of thought. When he saw her posture stiffen, he feared he had made a wrong turn.
Something about his statement irked Beckett. Maybe it was the fact that he had admitted that it was in fact her fault he had been out of touch for the last week.
"Look Castle, I think we need to talk," she started.
"I agree. Things have really gotten out of hand, especially if last night was any indication," he replied, leaning back against the coat closet door and crossing his arms across his chest.
"I talked to Genevieve this morning. I know you had nothing to do with her running away. I know it wasn't your fault," she stated. Castle pulled back to his full height, something akin to hurt flashing across his expression.
"Frankly, the fact that you ever thought it was offends me," he snorted.
"Offends you?" Beckett was making sure she heard him right.
"Yes," he pinned her with a glare and walked into the kitchen to find some breakfast. He fought back the smile as he thought about the promise he made to Genevieve. He pulled a bowl down from the cabinet and hoped he had some type of cereal he liked. "I have done everything you asked. I never even pushed the limits, which we both know is very hard for me. So for you to assume I concocted some plan to get your daughter out of her room and into a cab to visit me, offends me," he explained tersely.
"Oh. Well, I didn't think it was directly your fault. I just…" Beckett stammered. She understood what he was saying and realized he made a valid point.
"Blamed me. You'd have to," he finished for her.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Beckett snapped.
"It wouldn't make sense for you to not blame me. In your head I am some kind of monster. I have no idea why, but you have built up this idea of me that is so horrible and so scary and you just cling to it, refusing to see that I am not at all like what you have imagined. So yes, you blamed me for Gen's disappearance. Big bad Castle lured Genevieve to his lair. It just fits your story better," his tone was flat, void of all emotion.
"Castle, that is ridiculous," Beckett scoffed.
"Is it? Really?" he challenged.
"I do not think you are a monster. That is just stupid. I don't like you make assumptions about what I think," she huffed, her defensive walls slamming into place so hard Castle swore he heard them out loud. He set his bowl down and walked back to her side.
"Ok, you need to leave. You're obviously not ready to have this conversation," He gripped her elbow and led her towards the door. He put her in the hallway and locked her out. Beckett stood there staring at the door, gaping. The irony was not lost on her. Here she had spent the week pushing him away now he had quite literally pushed her away.
"Castle!" she yelled, banging on the door. "Castle, let me in!" she demanded.
Castle shook his head as he heard Beckett shouting on the other side of the door. He had been hopeful when she showed up, but when she got defensive when they started talking, he knew he wouldn't be able to get through to her. He was not going to waste time fighting a losing battle.
"Castle, do you really want your neighbors to hear me shouting through your door? They might call the police!" she warned.
"You are the police!" he shouted back, smirking to himself. He sat down at the counter with his bowl of cereal and shoveled a spoonful into his mouth. If she was still there when he finished, he would consider letting her back in.
"Damn it, Castle. Just open the damn door," Beckett growled, beating her fist against the door. She couldn't believe he had actually locked her out and was not going to let her back in. She was tempted to leave. In fact, that was what she wanted to do, but her conscience kept telling her to stay, to work out this problem. If not for herself, for Genevieve. Castle was right, things were out of hand. They couldn't go on like that for any long. "Castle, please let me in. Look, I know you're mad…" before she could finish, the door flung open. The sleepy eyed placid man who had opened the door the first time was replaced by a rigid, serious man with fire in his eyes and tension rolling off of him in waves.
"Mad? Mad doesn't even begin to cover it," Castle wasn't really sure what set him off. One minute he had finished his cereal and was ready to let her back in to discuss things rationally and the next he was ready for a fight of epic proportions. He assumed his had to do with her use of the word mad. If he was just mad this would have been over. He wasn't petty enough to hold a grudge for a week. "You really think I have been keeping my distance because I am mad?" he asked, incredulously.
"Well, yeah," Beckett replied tentatively. She didn't know how to handle him like this. He was so angry and hurt. And it was her fault. Usually the Castle she knew was upbeat, and quirky, driving her crazy. This Castle was weighted down by grief and embarrassment, obviously fighting the urge to cry out in all the pain he was feeling. She had no idea.
"Beckett, you humiliated me! Not only in front of your daughter but in front of Ryan and Esposito as well. You made me out to look like a monster than night. You wouldn't even let me talk to her. Talk, Beckett, I couldn't even join in the conversation. I just had to sit there like a dope. And the worst part was I actually felt like I had done something wrong. I felt that I had to have done something to elicit that kind of reaction from you, but as I looked back on it, I couldn't find a single thing. You embarrassed me for no reason. I felt like a fool and I was hurt that you had condemned me before I had actually done anything. There was no way I was going back to that station house to face that. Not right away. And the more I thought about it and the more you made it clear that you wanted me to have nothing to do with Genevieve, I figure it was time to separate myself. I had to make space because I knew if we were working together and the subject came up, it would be awkward. I didn't want that…"he ran out of steam. Beckett just stared back at him. He reached out for her wrist and pulled her back into the loft. "We are determined to make this the most public altercation ever," he mumbled half to himself as he shut the door. Beckett knew this was not the time to bring up the fact that he was the one that put her in the hall.
"I, I might have…erm….overreacted," she admitted. "If it helps, everyone is on you side. Lanie, Kevin, Javi, everyone. Maybe even Gen," she attempted to lighten the mood. Castle didn't bite.
"I don't want sides, Beckett. I want things back to normal. I want you to trust me. I want to know why you think I am such a monster," he sighed.
"I don't think you are a monster," Beckett objected, vehemently.
"Ok, maybe I am not using the right word. I want to know why you think I am a threat. Is that better?" Castle reiterated. Beckett nodded. She didn't really want to say she thought he was a threat. She didn't want to admit to that. That would mean she would have to swallow her pride and actually tell him what was bothering her. She took a deep breath and decided it was time.
"You're right ok. I do see you as a threat. You are a threat to the life I have so carefully created for me and Genevieve. I have screwed up in the past and Gen has paid for it. I am not about to let it happen again. The thing that makes you even more threatening is that you are good. So good. You actually care about us, especially Genevieve. I have never seen her respond to someone the way she does with you. You have obviously given her something she has needed for a long time. And that makes this so much harder…" she trailed off, suddenly finding the lipstick mark on her coffee cup very interesting.
"I'm not sure I follow," he was confused. Why was he so threatening if he was good? Beckett met his eyes. He recognized the panic. He had seen it at the restaurant. He hoped that didn't mean she would be clamming up on him again. She was just starting to open up.
"If you were bad, I could just shut you out; send you on your way. I wouldn't have to think twice about it. But you're good and there is a part of me that believes that I can let you into my life and everything will be fine. There will be movie nights and taco nights and you will babysit and take Gen to the zoo and the library and it will all work out. But there is another part of me that wonders what will happen if I do let you in and everything falls apart. What if life gets in the way? Ya know, my work or your work, or you start dating someone or even if I start dating someone or if you simply lose interest. What happens then? I will have a hurt little girl on my hands and I don't know if I could handle that again.
Castle took a minute to absorb everything she said. He didn't miss the "again" but he knew better than to ask at this time. She would share that story in her own time.
"Kate, whether you believe it or not, I know where you're coming from. I've been there. I know it's not easy being a single parent and I just want to help. I am not going to stand here and promise you everything is going to be ok. But I can tell you that you can trust me. I have the utmost respect for you. I always have. I also think Genevieve is a very special girl. Although it is a little hard to get her going, once you do, she has quite an infectious personality. And you're right, I do care about you. That being said, I am going to be around. I am not just going to disappear," as he finished, Beckett still looked skeptical. He figured he might as well go for broke. "If it helps any there is only one person I am interested in dating," he mentioned with a shy smile.
Beckett felt all the air leave her lungs. First he had called her Kate, then he mentioned wanting to date her. She was so overwhelmed, she thought she might fall over. It wasn't that she hadn't considered dating him, in fact, she had thought about it a lot. As a fantasy. She didn't think she was ready for the real thing. Yet. She reached back and found the door behind her. She leaned against it to steady herself. She looked up at Castle, his blue eyes expectant, waiting for some kind of response. She couldn't find her words.
"Sorry," he mumbled, blushing deeply. "Maybe that wasn't the right thing to say," he was suddenly so unsure of himself that she wished she could say something, anything. "Look, I don't want anything but for things to go back to the way they were. I just want to get to know you and Genevieve. I say we start slow, maybe do something once a month and we can figure it out from there," he suggested.
"And we shelf the dating issue?" she checked, She wanted to make sure that bomb he dropped was defused before she agreed to anything.
"Yes, for the time being," he answered quickly. "I…just wanted you to know that, it's ok if you don't feel that way,"
"I just…not right now," she sighed. The truth was she wasn't sure what she felt. She really had never considered him that way. "But I would like things to go back to the way they were," she agreed.
"Great," he beamed, the first real smile she seen all morning.
"I am sorry Castle, really. I took my fear out on you. That was wrong of me," she apologized finally.
"I knew you were scared, I could see it all over your face. I knew you weren't just being cruel. I just wanted to know why. I wanted to help," he shrugged.
"I know and again I am sorry. Regardless of whether or not I was being cruel, I was rude. Unfortunately, I can't promise this won't be the last time. Maybe you should call me out on it next me," she mentioned.
"Privately," he added.
"Yes, privately," she blushed as she remembered how she publically humiliated him. "I guess I should get to work. They will be looking for me soon. Are you coming back?" she wondered.
"Of course, but probably not today. Tomorrow," he confirmed.
"Then tomorrow," she smiled, turning to leave.
"Hey Beckett," he stopped her. She spun back around. "Um, how is Gen today? Is she ok?" he asked sheepishly. Beckett chuckled.
"She fine. We had a nice long talk. However, I have taken away the last two Twilight books for two weeks and library privileges for a month,"
"Ouch," Castle winced.
"Well, how do you ground a kid who never even left the house before she ran away?" she pointed out.
"Ah yes, well that would be tough. I rarely grounded Alexis. On time she grounded herself. She was always the more responsible one," he shrugged. Beckett rolled her eyes.
"I'll see you tomorrow Castle," she said once more.
"Tomorrow," he agreed with a smile, holding the door open for her.
After Beckett left, Castle decided he could use another hour or so of sleep. He hadn't slept well all week and since he was going back to the station the next day he figured he could use all the sleep he could get. His downtime would, hopefully, be limited once again. As he lay in bed, he felt like he could truly breathe for the first time in a week. The heavy weight in his chest had dissipated. He was grateful Beckett had stopped by and they could now move forward.
