Chapter 8 Barnes

Tony

I feel the looks the others are giving to Barnes and me. My hands start trembling as the memories of the fight come back accompanied with the memories of my parents. My mother dying, suffering. I can almost feel it now. The pain she must have felt, her disbelief.. Her anxiety... oh no, not now...

"Thanks" I say taking a step back to stop the feeling of looks that were giving me.

"And how are you adapting to the rest of the avengers?" Rhodey asked Barnes to break the tension apart.

But my heart begins race. My breathing gets unstable and I start to get dizzy.

I see Barnes answering Rhodey, but I can't hear it anymore, everything feels surreal. I only know one thing... I need to get out of here.

"Just a minute." I say trying to excuse myself, but that's the least important thing now. I leave the room instantly and before I know it I'm running to my room.

Not now, everything was going fine...

I try to breathe, but there is no air.

I feel like drowning now. Inhale, exhale... nothing!

My head keeps spinning and before I notice it, I'm already on the floor.

My arms tingle. An intense fear invades my chest.

I keep inhaling air, desperate in these seconds that feel like minutes.

And now my focus on everything stops, a new feeling approaches. I'm being watched. It can't be... it's Steve...

He tries to approach me but I can see he's a bit scared of what's happening.

"No." I say lifting my hand to stop him. "I need air. Don't come near me." It is a weird thing to say but it feels like he is stealing all the air in the room.

"Just... focus. B-breathe." He says giving a step back.

I close my eyes and try to do as he says. I try to focus only on breathing. Inhaling and exhaling once again.

The silence helps and my breathing begins to stabilize. I begin to feel better. I open my eyes and Steve is looking attentively, he approaches me again, but slowly, being careful of his movements.

"Tony?" He asks after some minutes of pure silence with a low tone. I stay silent. I got nothing to say. This is the last thing I wanted. "Are you okay, now?" He insists.

"I'm fine."

"Want to talk?"

"Not really." I sigh. "But you saw it anyway."

"It's okay." He puts his hand on my arm. I instantly feel as if I can trust him again. I'm not sure why. After only two or three days, I feel as if I can, but I know that I shouldn't. What's happening? I'm not afraid of telling him this anymore.

"See, Steve... after New York I started having problems. I had nightmares that didn't let me sleep and I had these... panic attacks, like the one you just saw. Time passes and everything was gone. I thought it was fixed somehow... that it was over, but here I am." I resume it as much as possible. I just can't stand talking about this. "It was never gone." I whisper.

"Why is that? Do you need help? Does anybody knows?" He storms me with questions.

"Don't worry. It's much more simple than it looks like."

"No, you're not getting rid of me that easy. I'm scared... you still haven't got your color back."

"It's just a phase. I mean it, it's nothing."

"It was for New York before. Is this now about Bucky?"

"No-no!... I-I don't know..."

"Wanna stay here? I can go and explain it to him."

"No. I'll go with you."

"No."

"Steve, This isn't Barnes fault. I don't want to leave it like this and I don't want him to think I still blame him."

"I'm sure he will understand. I need you to stay here until you're feeling better. Okay?"

I laugh a bit. "I'm okay. You may have been surprised, watching this b-but it's nothing serious. Just a few seconds."

He sighs. "Just a few seconds." Repeats frustrated.

I look at him without saying a word. I really hate talking about this. It makes me so uncomfortable.

"I'm going to say goodbye to him. Stay here."

I nod and he leaves.

Of course I won't stay here. I already felt weak enough. This won't let me down.

I get out of my room and walk to them. I can do this.

My steps indicate to them that I'm here. They look at me. The same feeling crawls its way back up to my chest, but I suppress it as best I can.

Tony, what are you doing here?" Steve asks frustrated.

"I'm here to apologize to Barnes."

"It's okay Stark. I understand."

"Thanks. Uhm... y'know you're welcomed here. You can come and visit Steve any time you want as we figure things out."

"I'll take your word." He smiles at Steve. I feel irritated by that, and even more when Steve returns the gesture. Ugh... what do I care anyways?

I walk to Rhodey. "Well... we should be going. After all, you did come to see Rogers, so..."

Rhodey follows my lead and we leave. I look back at Steve and Bucky, to just see them smiling at each other.