Ano hi no mitsuketa hakanai hikari

The fleeting light I found that day

Chapter 8 – Void

It was cold.

It had been a long time since I felt as cold as I did in that moment. I was crouching on a chair in the corner of the room, trying to block off the world. I didn't want to accept what had happened in front of my eyes, I didn't want to relive the same situation like years ago. I didn't want to think about that Bokuto-san could've…

I quickly shook off the thought and lowered my head onto my knees. I wasn't crying, it seemed like I had already cried my eyes out on the cemetery and on the way to the hospital. I was just scared. Terribly scared of being left alone once again. Terribly scared of losing Bokuto-san.

I stayed in that position for who knows how much time; it felt like an eternity, but then I heard someone call out to me.

"Akaashi-san?" the voice said.

"Y-yes?" I slowly raised my head and looked around me to see a doctor standing a few meters away from me. I felt how I had no more strength left in my body, but nonetheless I somehow managed to get up on my feet and walk over to him.

"Akaashi-san, you were the one that called the ambulance and accompanied the patient, is that correct?" he asked while looking through some papers he was holding.

"Yes, that's right." I said with a low voice.

"Alright, may I ask what your relationship with the patient… uhm…" he was looking for something in between of all those sheets.

"Ah, there. What is your relationship with Bokuto-san?" he asked finally. Apparently he had been looking for Bokuto-san's name.

"I… we live together, I'm… a friend." I said hesitantly.

"I see…" he wrote something down.

"Uhm…" I wanted to ask him something.

"Yes?" he faced me again.

"Uh, about… Bokuto-san's condition…"

"Don't worry, Akaashi-san. The patient's out of the woods, the surgery was a success. He's sleeping at the moment. If you want to visit him then please do so. We'll make sure to contact Bokuto-san's family, alright?" the doctor smiled at me.

I didn't manage to say anything and only nodded, tears already flowing down my face. The tears of sadness had been replaced with tears of relief and I started running towards Bokuto-san's room. Without taking a break I rushed into his room and stopped in front of his bed.

He was lying in a bed, cables and various other medical gadgets hanging from him and plugged into machines. The light was turned off and the curtains were closed. The only things making noise in there were the ECG monitoring Bokuto-san's heartbeat and the inner noise of my own heartbeat, resonating through my entire body.

It was the first time I was seeing Bokuto-san in motionlessness. The light he had always been emitting until now seemed like it had vanished completely and everything in the room was dark. But he was alive, he was sleeping safe and sound, given the circumstances. I took a chair, put it next to his bed and sat down. I didn't know what to do at first but after a while I started holding his hand; I didn't want to let him go again.

"Bokuto-san." I whispered. I knew he probably wouldn't hear me, but I started nonetheless.

"Stupid Bokuto-san, why did you do that? There was no need for you to step in front of me. You know you could've died from it? Do you know how sad… how… heartbroken I would've been? Do you…" I stopped talking for a moment, I had to take a deep breath. I strengthened my grip and moved my head down until my forehead touched his hand I was holding. I remained in that position for some minutes, tears slowly falling down my face.

"Th… thank you, stupid Bokuto-san." I said almost inaudible and continued crying.

I didn't know how much time had passed since I entered his room, but all of a sudden someone patted my head.

"Why are you crying, Akaashi?" I heard Bokuto-san's weak voice while he continued patting my head.

I slowly raised my head and looked at him, just to see him smiling with a sleepy expression. Light seemed to be returning slowly to the room and I lowered my head again, continuing what I was doing before.

"I'm sorry." he said.

"Don't say that, it was all my fault. Again. Everything goes wrong because of me!"

"Akaashi, I-"

"Everyone would be better off if I weren't arou-"

"Akaashi!" Bokuto-san raised his voice and I looked up again. At the same time he flicked my forehead.

"Ow, wha-"

"I don't want to hear you say that ever again, okay?!" he sounded upset and angry at the same time. I dried my tears and took a deep breath.

"…okay, Bokuto-san. I'm sorry." I decided to trust in Bokuto-san's words, just like I had done before lots of times already.

"Good!" he smiled again.

"I… I was just so… so, so scared that I might've lost you, I couldn't bear the thought, and… and…" I stopped. I looked at his eyes; they were sparkling right back at me.

"Don't worry anymore, I'm a tough fellow. I'll be out of here faster than you think. And then we'll go back home, together. Okay?" he grinned at me and gave me hope again.

"Yes, Bokuto-san." I said with a smile and small tears in my eyes.

After I spent some more time talking to Bokuto-san, a nurse came into the room telling me that visitors had to leave the hospital in about half an hour. I asked her if it were possible to stay the night somewhere near Bokuto-san, but she apologized and said I had no other choice than to go home and come back another day. Bokuto-san needed time to rest, she said. I understood what she meant, but nonetheless I wanted to stay by his side, I didn't want to risk losing him again. But when he saw how I didn't want to leave his side, he stretched out his hand skywards, formed a fist and declared his will to the world.

"I, Koutarou Bokuto, will leave this hospital as soon as I can!" he yelled at the ceiling.

"Bokuto-san! Please remain silent!" the nurse scolded him.

"And you, Akaashi!" he now pointed at me.

"Y-yes?" I asked.

"You're gonna go home and take care of everything until I return, alright?!" he grinned again.

"Yes." I said with a smile, bowed down to the nurse, thanked her for taking care of him and then left the room.

The cold I felt earlier had vanished completely and warmth filled my body again.

"I'm going to tell him as soon as he's back." I said to myself and started walking away.

When I arrived home and closed the door I noticed a change. Bokuto-san wasn't in the apartment. It was quiet, almost too quiet. The lights were turned off and nothing was making any noise. It reminded me of the dark and seemingly empty hospital room Bokuto-san was lying in, but this time no one was around. Except for me, I was the only one standing in the void. It felt like the lingering shadows around of me started moving on their own. They were like a beast waiting for its prey. I tried to shake of those thoughts, but the shadows kept on getting closer. The void was trying to engulf me and I couldn't do anything about it. The more I tried not to think of it, the more my imagination started moving on its own. But then I remembered Bokuto-san's words. He would return, he said. I had to believe in him. I slapped myself on the cheeks a few times and returned to reality, Bokuto-san's smile appearing in my mind, calming my heart beat and myself. The first thing I heard after that was Owlbert greeting me as I entered the living room and turned on the light.

"Good evening Owlbert." I said to him.

"Good evening to you too, Professor." I said to the other owl as it hooted.

"I'm sorry but Bokuto-san won't be returning for a while, he's in the hospital and has to take it easy. I hope you're okay with me taking care of you in the meantime." I looked at both of them. They turned their heads to each other as if to discuss something and then turned back to me, both hooting in unison; I guessed they had accepted my reasoning.

"Thank you!" I said and entered the kitchen to prepare dinner, I was getting hungry.

After I had eaten and washed the dishes I sat down on the couch and watched TV until I got sleepy, brushed my teeth and went to bed. I quickly fell asleep because I tried not to think of anything unnecessary. And just like that, the first night without Bokuto-san had passed.

The almost exact same procedure continued for a few days until I finally got a phone call from the hospital. They called to tell me that Bokuto-san was allowed to leave the hospital in two more days. I was overjoyed when I heard the news and told the owls, although I still don't know if they can actually understand what we tell them.

The days passed with no further incidents and when I was heading to the hospital I was filled with joy again. The first thing I had to do was fill out some forms. While I was standing at the reception and filling out the blanks on the sheet of paper, I suddenly heard someone calling out to me from behind.

"Akaashi!" it was Bokuto-san's voice. I quickly turned around to see him standing there; but he wasn't standing.

"Ah, this? Don't worry, I'm only in a wheelchair because it still hurts when I walk, haha-oww… It also hurts if I laugh too much." he said as cheerful as ever.

"Akaashi-san, please make sure he rests for at least another week. If possible let him move and walk around as little as possible. It would be best for him to stay in bed. And if nothing goes wrong he'll be back to normal soon, okay?" the doctor standing behind of Bokuto-san said to me.

"Yes, I understand. Thank you very much." I said and bowed down.

"Don't worry, it's my job." he said with a smile, excused himself and walked away.

"Let's go home, Akaashi!" Bokuto-san said.

"Yes!" I said with a smile and started pushing the wheelchair.

As soon as we arrived home Bokuto-san started yelling.

"I'm home! Hello Owlbert! Hello Professor! How have you been?!" he yelled. The owls didn't answer him.

"Maybe they have forgotten about you." I said jokingly.

"Whaaaat? No, that'd be terrible." he said and rolled his chair into the living room. The scene somehow reminded me of my mom and her being in a wheelchair too. Tears started forming in my eyes, but I dried them off, telling myself over and over again that it wouldn't end like that again.

"Ohh, the aster!" I heard Bokuto-san say from the living room. I followed him there.

"Yes, I thought it'd be a nice spot to put them on. Speaking of which, I need to water them." I said as I walked into the kitchen to get the watering can.

"Perfect spot, Akaashi!" he said.

"Thank you."

The evening passed by quickly and we both went to bed soon.

Once again the days passed with no further incidents and Bokuto-san had been discharged from hospital for a few days already. Everything seemed to be going well. One day, it had already become dark, Bokuto-san asked me a favour.

"Say, Akaashi? Would you mind quickly going out now?" he asked.

"What for, isn't it already too late?"

"I feel like eating ice cream!"

"Excuse me?"

"Ice cream." he grinned at me.

"Really? But it's cold."

"One can always eat ice cream!" he said with a serious face.

"Alright then." I sighed and stood up.

"Thanks Akaashi!"

"Anything's fine?" I asked as I put on my coat.

"Yup!"

"Alright, I'll be right back then." I said while opening the door.

"Have a safe trip, Akaashi." he said as I closed the door.

"Typical Bokuto-san." I said to myself and chuckled.

The streets seemed abandoned, almost no people were walking around. It was dark and only the street lamps were giving off some light in the dark. I continued walking through the dark night and began thinking of Bokuto-san. Since he had been discharged from the hospital I still had no chance to tell him my feelings, even though I had planned to do so as soon as he would be back home. But there was never a moment to tell him, so I had been delaying it all the time. But I didn't plan on waiting any longer. Faster than I noticed I arrived at the store, bought some ice cream, payed, and walked out of the store again. The streets seemed even emptier than before. I felt how it was getting colder too; I had forgotten to take my scarf.

As I started walking back I thought to myself how I should confess to him. What should I say to him? How could I tell him how I really felt? Should I just say it bluntly in one go or not? Questions like those were swirling around in my head and I didn't know what to do anymore. Was it okay to tell him how I felt? Would it be a bother? How would he react? As I kept on asking myself more questions, another one, a different one popped up in my head. How did he feel? What did Bokuto-san really feel? What did he want for himself? I had only kept on asking what I felt and wanted, but I never thought about what it would mean for him. I figured I had to ask him as soon as I got back, there was no other way of knowing.

I didn't notice while being in thought, but after I stopped asking myself all those questions, I looked around and it had started snowing again. I stopped beneath a street lamp that was giving off a dim light. I looked skywards and observed the slowly falling snow.

"…when I'm back, I'm going to tell him." I said to myself with a smile as I put my hand on my chest. I looked at the street lamp's light and how it was illuminating the dark night. I couldn't help but think of Bokuto-san and smile again. But just as I started smiling, the lamp's weak light went out and completely vanished.

Leaving me behind in the cold and lonesome darkness.