AN: A few notes - to the person who read the book I based this on - I'm sorry! For one thing, it's not that great of a book. For another, now you know where I'm copying and where I'm making up my own things. I'm not sure which is better! Warning for this chapter - Jake is in it. Also, there is sex. No, the sex is not with Jake. Finally, I apologize for the length of time it takes for me to write a new chapter. I tend to doubt my writing and I will write a sentence and then close the program. Today I spent most of the day trying to name this chapter (I had to differ from the way I named the previous chapters). Also, I don't get paid for this. :)
Chapter 8: Summer Breeze
Present Day, Late July, Morning
Even though Olivia had realized that she needed to talk to Fitz immediately after she talked to Emily, she still put it off. Instead of going to him right away, she avoided him, even canceling their morning jogs by claiming to not feel well. Actually, that was the truth. Every time Olivia imagined talking to Fitz, her stomach clenched with anxiety.
She decided not to delay any longer when she woke one morning with a start. She could not recall what had woken her, but she was surprised to find tears on her face. It had been a few weeks since she had cried herself to sleep at night, and she thought she had Fitz to thank for her gradual recovery. Which is why, while the tears surprised her, the fact that her thoughts immediately went to Fitz instead of to Jake did not surprise her. In that moment that she realized that she needed to talk to him. And soon.
She wiped her face and got out of bed, quickly dressing in her favorite jeans, a light blue loose fitting satin tank, and a light weight white hoodie, because it was early and she knew the breeze would be cool. She applied only a trace amount of makeup and hurried out the door.
The walk to the Grant house was quiet, the breeze seeming to guide Olivia on her way. She wanted to rehearse what she would say to him, but her mind was stubbornly blank. Sooner than she might have liked, she was standing on the front porch, her hand raised to knock. Just then, the door flew open, revealing Karen, her long hair pulled back in a ponytail, her cut off shorts shorter than Olivia would let Emily wear, and her halter top hugging her teenage curves gently. Olivia opened her mouth, thinking that she would mention the cool weather outside and suggest a jacket, but instead she said, "Hi Karen. Is your father around?"
The girl shrugged, looking as if she might not reply for a moment, but then she gestured towards the stairs. "He's out on the deck off the bedroom," she said, then moved past Olivia out the door. Olivia looked after her for a moment, sighed, and headed up the stairway.
The deck was off of the master bedroom, the one that had belonged to Fitz's father when they were younger. Olivia felt awkward entering the room, although she could see Fitz through the glass door leading to the balcony. She approached the door slowly, watching him. He had a newspaper on his lap and a mug in his hand and he was dressed in one of his tight fitting t-shirts that allowed her to admire the muscles in his back when he lifted his drink to his mouth. His lower half was covered with a blanket. She squinted, realizing quickly that he was using the blanket that she had left behind the day she left him – the blanket that had been her mother's and that they had been wrapped in when Fitz had proposed. She had to pause to blink back tears.
Stepping forward, Olivia opened the door to the deck. Fitz apparently didn't hear her at first, so she spoke his name softly, causing him to jump and slosh a bit of his coffee onto the blanket. He turned to face her and she was struck by the beauty of his face. He had barely changed at all since he was in his early twenties, and now in his late forties, he was the epitome of handsome.
Folding up his newspaper and setting it aside, Fitz gestured towards the chair that was beside the one he sat on. "What's up?" he asked her. "Are you feeling better? What are you doing here?"
Olivia almost laughed at his series of questions. She lowered herself into the seat beside him. "That's my blanket," she said, pointing at it.
He looked at it, and then back at her. "I kept it for you," he said, and Olivia shivered. It was his words, not the breeze, but he offered her the blanket, lifting part of it off of his lap and pulling it towards her. She reached for it slowly, her eyes on his. Instead of using the blanket to cover her own lap, Olivia brought it to her face. She held it against her cheek for a moment, cherishing its softness. Then she inhaled. The blanket used to smell like her childhood; now it smelled like Fitz. She let it settle over her lap, placing her hands on the top.
"About why I'm here…" Olivia looked out at the ocean, then back to Fitz. "We need to talk."
Fitz nodded. Of course he knew what she was referring to. "I didn't tell them," he said, not looking at her. "Mellie told them."
"I know," Olivia said. "She must have enjoyed that."
"She's been dying to tell them the story, especially recently," he said. "When Gerry mentioned he was dating Emily, well, she was all over that opportunity."
"It's not her business!" Olivia's voice sounded too high pitched to her own ears. She tried to breathe deeply to control her emotions before she spoke again. "It's nobody's business but ours."
"Ours," Fitz repeated softly. He looked at her. "We were married, Olivia," he said. She nodded at him, holding his gaze. "It's a part of your past that you need to face."
"That's my point," she said. "It's my past for me to face when I want to face it. It shouldn't have been up to Mellie to share with your kids who shared it with Emily. I was forced to tell her everything before I was ready. I told her everything," she said.
Fitz looked away from her again. He stared at the ocean. Then he spoke, "How did you explain the part where you left me?" he asked softly. Olivia's eyes closed at the sound of pain in his voice.
How to respond to that? Olivia wondered if she should say that she had told her daughter how she had broken Fitz's heart. How she had seen the look on his face and still turned away. How she had ruined all that was good for both of them for her own selfish reasons. "I told her how I left," she finally said.
Fitz turned to her then, his hand reaching for her face. He stroked her cheek, then cupped his palm and held it to her face. "I loved you," he said. "And you left me."
"Yes," Olivia whispered, her voice stuck in her throat with a mouthful of tears. Fitz took his hand away from her face. He gathered the blanket off of himself and moved it towards her. He stood, and Olivia saw that he was wearing gray sweatpants. She hugged her blanket to her chest to quell the urge to touch him. She watched him as he stepped to the rail of the deck and leaned his muscular arms on it, looking out at the ocean.
"I can't seem to stop thinking about it," Fitz said to the ocean, his voice soft but loud enough for Olivia to hear. "About you," he added, turning his head slightly to look at her. "I think about you all the time," he said.
"Fitz," Olivia said, wanting him to stop talking. Not wanting to hear his pained voice.
Fitz looked back out to the ocean and continued to speak. "I'm thinking about you and I'm asking myself what I expect from you," he said. "You did just lose your husband after all. And you know what I decided?"
"What?" she asked him softly.
He glanced towards her and then said, "I want you to tell me why you left."
"Fitz," she said again. She began to stand up. She felt the need to run from him again, to refuse to answer and to face the past, but then she remembered that this was the exact reason she had come to see him. Because she wanted to talk to him about this, to get it out in the open, to apologize for what she had done to him. She sank back into the chair, putting her elbows on her lap and her head in her hands. In an instant, Fitz was beside her, his hand on her back, as if she was the one who needed to be comforted. She peeked at him from between her fingers. The look on his face was filled with the deep caring he had always shown her, the love that after all of this time, he still felt for her.
"Livvie?" he whispered. She dropped her hands and looked at him.
"I left for a lot of reasons," she began. "I wanted to go to college."
"You could have –" Fitz started, but Olivia held up a hand.
"I know I could have gone to college in New York, or you could have taken a different job in D.C. But I didn't stick around to work that out with you." She took a breath before continuing. "I also couldn't stand to disappoint my father."
Fitz nodded. "You were scared," he said.
"I was scared. I wasn't brave enough to follow my heart. I was afraid to choose you over my father and I thought that leaving you would be the best thing for both of us."
"It wasn't the best thing for me," Fitz said.
Olivia stared at him. He looked as if he might cry. "I'm sorry," she told him. "I am so sorry. What I did to you was wrong. I shouldn't have left without talking to you first, but I was too scared to look at you while I broke your heart." Olivia's eyes filled with tears at her own words. The image of Fitz talking to her father in the driveway had haunted her, and it would have been much worse if she had been up close, if she had been watching his eyes as his heart broke.
Fitz's hand moved from Olivia's back to the back of her neck. His own eyes teary, he said, "Thank you for telling me that." He moved towards her, his face so close that she thought he was about to kiss her. Instead, he pulled her forwards so that her forehead met his shoulder. His other arm moved around her waist and he lowered his head, his warm breath on her neck as he buried his head there.
Tentatively, Olivia returned his hug, feeling awkward as they were both sitting in separate chairs, but not wanting to risk getting closer to him. She knew how her body reacted to his. Still, she twined her left arm under his, wrapping it around his back. Her right hand went to his hair, her fingers automatically caressing the curls at the back of his neck, holding his head steady as they both cried. "I'm sorry," she said. His face pressed harder into her neck and she responded by gripping his curls harder. Even though the feel of his hair reminded her of what had happened three years prior, she still held on. "I'm so sorry," she repeated.
Three Years Ago, Late July, Night
"Are you sure you want to go?" Olivia asked Jake for the third time that evening. She was standing in front of the closet in the house they were renting for the few weeks that she had convinced him to come to the beach that summer.
"I'm sure," Jake responded. "So get dressed!" He said it teasingly, but also authoritatively.
Olivia glanced at him and then turned back to the closet. She was wearing a matching silky white bra and panties set, but she couldn't decide what else to put on. She wouldn't admit it to Jake, but she was nervous to go to this party. They had run into Fitz on the beach and he had calmly and sincerely invited them, not showing any doubt that he would like them to attend. Olivia did not feel sure at all, and had been questioning whether going was a good idea ever since. "You think Emily will be okay staying home alone?" she asked, her hands running over a series of dresses before finally withdrawing a white one.
"She'll be fine, Liv," Jake said. "You're just trying to come up with an excuse not to go."
Olivia replaced the white dress in the closet. She couldn't wear white; it would remind both of them of their wedding. Instead, she took out a navy blue dress with a tank style top and a skirt that flared out from under her breasts. The material was slinky and clingy. She held it up to her body, wondering if it would be too sexy. Finally, she removed it from its hanger and pulled it over her head.
Turning towards Jake, Olivia stepped in front of the mirror above the dresser, trying to see her whole body. She turned in multiple directions, held her hair up on the top of her head, dropped it back down again, and sighed as Jake came up behind her. He kissed her cheek and met her eyes in the mirror. "You look beautiful and I'm sure he'll agree. You sure you don't still have feelings for him?"
Olivia slipped away from him, entering the bathroom to apply her makeup. She ignored his question, as he had already told her that she should be fine seeing Fitz if she was truly over him and she had already assured Jake that her relationship with Fitz was so many years ago that it couldn't be farther from her mind. She had lied, of course, as seeing Fitz certainly brought all of her feelings to the forefront.
Half an hour later, Olivia had finished her makeup and slipped on a pair of navy peep toe heels. She poured herself a glass of wine in the kitchen and gulped it, waiting for the buzz to hit her brain and calm her nerves. As she finished the glass, Jake entered the kitchen. "Drinking already?" he asked with a small smirk in her direction. He was wearing black jeans and a black t-shirt and looked like he might be going to a club rather than to a cocktail party at a beach house. Olivia looked at him, reached for the wine bottle, and poured herself another glass. Jake stopped smirking. He turned and left the kitchen. After she finished her drink, Olivia followed.
On the porch of the Grant house, Jake turned to Olivia. "I don't want to force you to go to this party if you don't want to," he said, as if that wasn't what he had been doing all along. But now it was too late.
"We're here," she said. "We're going in."
She stepped inside his house as if it hadn't been years, as if she was comfortable there. She took a glass of wine from a passing waiter and smiled at Jake when he placed his hand on the small of her back. "You might want to slow down the drinking, Liv," he said into her ear. She slowly raised the glass to her mouth and sipped. Then she walked further into the house. Looking around, she saw beautiful, nicely dressed people everywhere. Waiters with drinks or food walked throughout, and soft music played. The doors to the back patio were open, allowing in the sea breeze, and people were out by the pool as well. Olivia closed her eyes against the memories of swimming in that very pool with Fitz.
As if conjured by her thoughts, Fitz himself appeared around a corner, his eyes immediately finding Olivia's. "Livvie!" he greeted as he approached, and Olivia felt Jake's hand clench against her lower back before he pulled her closer while thrusting his other hand towards Fitz for a hand shake. "So glad you both could make it," Fitz said as he shook Jake's hand, but his eyes were on Olivia. She offered him a small smile and took another sip of her wine. Fitz looked great, of course. He was dressed casually but smartly in a navy blue button down shirt and khaki pants. Olivia glanced down at her own dress as she realized that they matched. She could feel Fitz's eyes on her and her whole body suddenly felt warm. She drank the rest of her glass.
"More wine?" Fitz asked her, moving to take the empty cup from her hands.
"She's good," Jake answered for her, intercepting Fitz and grabbing the glass, setting it on a nearby table. Before Olivia or Fitz could react, Jake changed the subject. "Great house," he said, looking around. Fitz thanked him as a brunette with curly hair and bright blue eyes approached them, wrapping her arms around Fitz and smiling, though somehow her smile made Olivia feel like she was not truly happy.
"Hello," she greeted, regarding Olivia. She was tall, and Olivia wished she had chosen higher heels.
Fitz moved to disentangle himself from the woman, introducing her as he did so. "Olivia, Jake, this is Mellie, my wife."
Olivia and Mellie seemed to come to the realization together that neither was truly happy to meet the other. After briefly greeting each other, Mellie excused herself to head outside and Olivia moved towards a table of food, while at the same time she scanned the room for another drink. She knew Jake didn't want her to get drunk, but his controlling behavior made her want to drink even more.
Picking up a few random hors d'oeuvres, Olivia moved towards the side of the room where she had previously seen waiters with drink trays. Jake was close behind her, but Olivia was even more aware of Fitz's eyes on her as she walked. Jake seemed to be conscious of Fitz too and he placed himself directly beside Olivia so that when she tried to glance back towards where she knew Fitz was standing, all she saw was her husband's body.
"Looking for something, Liv?" Jake asked her. She looked up to meet his eyes and was surprised to see anger flashing there. He hooked his arm around Olivia's waist and turned her sideways. Now they could both see Fitz, who still stood where they had left him. He was talking to some of his guests, but as Olivia watched, she saw him glance towards her. As he did, Jake lowered his face to speak into her ear. "Why do you keep looking at him?" he hissed. "You said you were over him."
She leaned back from his close proximity to her and shook her head at him. "I am," she insisted.
Jake moved his hand to the back of her neck. To anyone looking at them, it might have seemed like Jake was touching her with affection. To Olivia, it meant possession. "I'm your husband, Liv," Jake said. "You married me, not him. You should remember that." Jake dropped his hand and walked away, heading towards the patio.
Olivia suddenly felt chilled and rubbed her free hand down opposite arm. She could never understand what made her husband go from calm and happy to out of control and scary in a matter of seconds. Feeling as if she needed space, Olivia put down the plate she still held and walked purposely down the hallway off of the main room. She knew where she was going and she entered the room as if she had been invited. It had in the past been referred to as the 'study' or sometimes the 'office,' but to Olivia it was always the library. The walls were lined with books after all. It looked the same, even in the dim light coming from the outside. Closing the door behind her, Olivia didn't bother to turn on the light and instead walked to the opposite side of the room near the window, braced her hands on a low book shelf, and tried to regulate her breathing.
After a minute or two, Olivia heard the door to the room opening and then clicking closed. She didn't have to turn around to know that Fitz had followed her. She could tell it was him from the charge in the air, from the way her body instantly reacted to his presence. He came up behind her and gently closed his hand over her arm. "Are you okay?" he asked, his voice soft and deep.
Olivia didn't reply and Fitz gently turned her to face him. She met his eyes and they were full of concern and care and something else that she could not or did not want to name. In all of the years she had been married to Jake, Olivia could not remember him once looking at her the way Fitz was looking at her now. A shudder went through her body as Fitz raised his hand to her face, caressing her cheek with his thumb. She placed her hand on top of his wrist, meaning to push his hand away, but instead her fingers locked and held onto his arm. "Fitz," she whispered.
"Livvie," Fitz whispered back. He cleared his throat. "Livvie, what are you doing in here?" he asked. "What's going on?"
Olivia just shook her head and looked away. "It's fine, don't worry," she told him.
He lowered his head towards her, drawing her eyes back to his. He raised his eyebrows. "Liv?" he said, and with that, she fell into his chest, almost crying, but holding back as he encircled her in his arms and held on. His head rested on top of hers for a moment until she pushed him back.
"I shouldn't be in here," she said. "I should go." She tried to move around him towards the door but he stopped her, hands on her hips to keep her still.
"I miss you," he said softly. She froze at his declaration and looked up at him. "Don't you miss me?" he asked. "Even a little?"
As she stared at him, her eyes went from his eyes to his lips involuntarily, and when she met his eyes again, he leaned towards her and pressed his lips to hers. She tasted the scotch on him immediately and her gasp caused her mouth to open and he moved his tongue inside. I'm drunk, she thought, but was she? She didn't feel drunk, she felt…alive. When he drew back to look at her, she missed his mouth on hers and so she answered his earlier question with no hesitation, "I do miss you."
His response was a small smirk and then a deeper kiss, his hands moving from her hips up the curves of her body to her neck, then back down and as his hands reached her hips again he broke the kiss and knelt in front of her, bringing his hands down her legs as he did so. He looked up at her, his eyes daring her to ask him what he was doing, but she could no more question him than she could tell him to stop. He moved his hands slowly up her legs, under her dress, around her thighs, and she was holding her breath, wanting him, her whole body on fire for him, moments away from begging for him.
His fingers hooked into her panties and he drew them down her legs and off over her shoes. His eyes on hers, he brought the lace to his nose and inhaled, his eyes closing with a look of pleasure that made her moan. Meeting her eyes again, he placed her panties in his pants pocket and smiled, turning his head to kiss her inner thigh. She moaned again, her hands landing in his hair, as he lifted her leg off the ground and hooked it over his shoulder. He dragged his tongue along her thigh as she began to pant and finally his mouth moved over her core. She whimpered, trying not to scream, as she kneaded her fingers against his scalp and he licked her over and over until she was shaking and he had to hold her up so that she didn't collapse.
As her breathing returned to normal, Olivia's hands remained in Fitz's hair, not knowing what else to do with them. He stood and her dress fell back around her hips. He looked her in the eyes and then kissed her firmly on the mouth. "Now, I hope you'll remember exactly what you're missing," he said. He stepped away from her and her hands dropped from his hair. He smirked, then turned and left the room, taking Olivia's underwear with him.
Present Day, Late July, Afternoon
The memory of that night had come up for Olivia often over the past three years, but it was at the forefront of her mind yet again after she had tangled her fingers in his hair earlier that day. She had not gone home after talking to Fitz and instead was sitting on the beach, her hoodie folded underneath her. She was cross-legged, pretending to meditate. Actually, she was remembering the feeling of Fitz kissing her. After it happened, she had told herself that she had been drunk off of too much wine and that she had let Fitz pleasure her due to being drunk, not due to loneliness or her husband's temper or the fear that she would never feel alive again. In fact, she told herself so often that she had been drunk, that she almost believed it. Yet, would she remember so much of what happened if alcohol had been a factor?
Olivia let the memories sift over her, thoughts of Fitz and thoughts of her life with Jake floating by on the breeze. In many ways, Jake had not been the best husband to her over the years, but with him gone, it was hard for her to focus only on the bad. Instead, she thought about the last time she had seen him alive.
Olivia was used to Jake being occupied with work more often than he was occupied with her, so when he came home early that day, she was surprised to see him. He brought burgers from his favorite restaurant and she smiled because he still didn't realize that just because he liked it didn't mean that she did. She ate with him anyway, and they laughed about something silly that she could not recall and when he left to return to work, he kissed her goodbye.
He hadn't come back that night and she hadn't worried. The next morning though, she received the phone call about the car accident and then she had to tell her daughter that she no longer had a father. Taking care of Emily had become top priority after that, and the trip to the beach had seemed a good idea for both of them. Olivia realized her subconscious probably knew she would be reunited with Fitz and that she had chosen to return to this particular beach for a reason. After the accident, her biggest fear was that she and Emily would be alone. Now, she no longer felt alone. When she imagined the rest of her life without Jake, fear was no longer present. However, if she imagined the rest of her life without Fitz, the fear was there.
Maybe coming to the beach had been a good idea after all.
