Before you read the chapter, I owe everyone an apology because this chapter is really late and it's a little shorter than usual (it's a transitional chapter), and I'm about to rant for a couple of sentences.
I would like to point out to those flamers who said that my story was unrealistic that they're reading fanfiction that came out of a story about sparkly vampires and Native American werewolves, get the fuck over it. If you don't like it don't read it. If you would like to give some constructive criticism than I welcome your review. (By the way supposed officer of the law, how many criminals have the police not caught? I'm sure it's not a small number, so fuck off.)
*End of rant*
June 20, 2008
Dear Carlie,
If you're reading this than two things have happened:
Carlisle is dead
And
Your Mom has told you all about me, and the kind of relationship we had.
Before you read the series of letters that I have written to supplement your mom's side of our story, I want you to know that you and I have just met.
Today is my birthday and your ballet recital. You were so confident and happy as you danced across the stage in the green gauzy tutu as a wood nymph. I have no words for how in awe of your talent I was tonight. I was just about to leave out of the auditorium when you literally ran into me. I grabbed your shoulders to steady you and you looked up at me and smiled, all straight white teeth and dimples. It was the greatest moment of my life and the best birthday present I could have ever received.
It wasn't a particularly long or memorable conversation, probably just 30 seconds where I shook your hand and said:
"Congratulations on such an amazing performance."
You looked at me for a few seconds and I started to worry that you somehow had recognized me but then you took your hand back, said "Thank you for coming. I'm glad you liked the show" and curtsied. You were the politest 10 year old that I'd ever met.
I wanted so badly to hug you and tell you how proud of you I was. I almost did but then I caught your mother's eyes a few feet behind you, she gave me a sad smile and shook her head, Bella always did know exactly what I was thinking. I nodded and told you that I had a plane to catch but that I knew your parents were very very proud of you and you just opened your arms and hugged me. I don't know if you felt the few tears fall from my eyes and land in your hair but I quickly wiped them away and without a backward glance rushed out of the building before I could forsake everything your mother and I had suffered to save.
Do you remember?
I hope you do because I can never forget, I don't want to forget. No matter how much I hate the circumstances that make our separation necessary I know that the snippets I do have of you, memories of seeing you dance and grow up right before my very eyes on a stage and seeing the small smiles your mom sends my way whenever she notices me at one of your recitals, makes it all worth it. It makes the heartache worth it because I get to know with absolute certainty that you're both still alive and out of harm's way.
I just wanted you to know that even though all I have from you right now is one conversation, a bunch of videos of your performances and 10 pictures of you, I love you so much, Carlie. I've loved you since the moment Bella told me that she was pregnant with you.
Anyway, I never intended to get involved with your mom, or anyone else for that matter. I resigned myself to the reality of a loveless marriage and the knowledge that my life would never be my own. Then I met Bella and she lit up my world, suddenly I wasn't satisfied with the life my father laid out for me. I wanted more, I wanted a life with Bella and everything that it came with. I know that I must seem like a coward for not fighting harder to be with you and Bella but I knew what my father was capable of, I just never fully believed that he was capable of treating me like he did his enemies or those he wanted to bend to his will. Seeing my father hold a gun to Bella's head and knowing that if he pulled the trigger it would be my fault. The blood of my daughter and of my soul mate would be on my hands so I caved into Carlisle's demands because it was the only way for the both of you to live, if that makes me a coward then so be it. I'll be a coward.
Your mother was an amazing woman with such fire, I don't think she could have made it a single day without cursing at something, be it her car, the remote or if she were especially angry, her phone was a frequent victim. Her temper was legendary but her heart and easy going smile is what really drew me to her.
The conversation that I had with your mom outside of Morton's is easily one of my (many) favorite moments with her. I didn't really go outside to apologize for Carlisle's behavior-though an apology was in order. I just felt so drawn to her energy that I had to talk to her. I couldn't help myself, really. I honestly never expected anything to come out of the conversation; I was just so curious, about what, I can't even really tell you because even I don't understand what happened.
After having that one conversation I was captivated by Bella. I fantasied over and over again about the feel of her lips and the taste of her tongue because I knew that I could never know the real thing but it seemed that life and Alice had other plans.
I'd be remiss to point out that Alice, puppeteered my second meeting with your mom. I didn't know it at the time but my sister was very perceptive; when I subtly asked her about Bella she saw straight through me and decided to play cupid.
Alice called me sounding drunker than she actually was and rattled of a random address to come pick her up. Of course I got in my car to go get her because the last thing either one of us needed was for her to do something crazy and have our dad find out and freak out on us both.
When I finally got to the house I didn't know whether to hug Alice or kill her where she stood when I saw Bella dancing around in her Tinkerbell underwear and a ridiculously tight t-shirt. Alice made the decision for me when she started to walk out of the door to leave me alone in the house of Bella Swan.
"Don't worry, Alex is going to drive me back to your apartment." She spoke over her shoulder as I stood there stunned trying to figure out what exactly was going on.
I'd decided to kill her as I watched over Bella for those few hours. I literally plotted a million ways to kill Alice in the time between helping Bella onto the couch to sleep of the alcohol and the actual moment Bella woke up, because my sister knew the score but she also knew that I wouldn't leave Bella alone in her clearly inebriated state. Alice had played the both of us.
I tried to be an asshole when Bella woke up because I knew that I shouldn't want to kiss her or hold her, and I definitely shouldn't want to imagine what was underneath that t-shirt and her underwear.
But your mother was not one to be played with, she called me out on my behavior and kept poking me in the chest until any pretense or wall of defense had crumbled away.
I hated the look she gave me when I told her I was engaged, it was something akin to both anger and disappointment, so I tried to explain my situation to her.
Alice could pretty much do whatever she wanted. She had the great fortune of being both female and the second child, to my father her existence was basically useless. Sure, he railed at her but only because Alice never let him get to her and still found a way to create her own beat despite how he tried to subdue her. I, on the other hand, had the privilege of having my life plotted out for me as soon as my father found out that I was a boy in my mother's womb.
It was easier to just do what my father wanted rather than to face his belt when I was younger and his fist (or boot) when I was older. I had never found any matter worth incurring my father's wrath until I met your mother and fell head over heels in love with her. I knew as soon as she kissed me that I wouldn't be able to stop myself from giving her every piece of myself that I could and accepting the ones that she offered back to me in return.
I dragged Bella down to my hell and I will forever be sorry for it and even though she holds no regret or ill will toward me, I can't help but to regret the pain that I have caused her.
