"Avengers: Fanfiction"

I don't own any character, song, or fanfiction mentioned in this chapter. (But seriously, Fraction, DeConnick, Joss, etc: I'll let you use my stuff if you want. PM me!)

This chapter is rated T for swearing, & it was a bear to write. Come back muse!

People will be reading fanfiction again in this chapter, either out loud or to themselves. I'll put it in italics.

Where we left off last time: The team watched some of the raw video that was stolen from SHIELD. It upset Clint and Natasha. Clint stormed out. Bruce hulked-out because Hulk wanted to comfort Nat. Lovely feels. Thor & Clint chat, then leave to drink, Tony & Nat drink and chat then leave to find Pepper so the girls can go get pampered. Steve went to find Hill & Bruce went looking for some pants.

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Chapter 8: Mortals, Mead and Massages

"No way, Iron Ass, this time we're reading YOUR stories!"

Tony looked up from the screen, a mock look of dejection on his face. "But Katniss, there's just so much good smut for you and your little spider! Don't you want to know how to please her?..."

Barton snorted. "Oh please. Like a bunch of lonely, unsatisfied middle-aged women know what Natasha wants."

A eyebrow shot up on Bruce's face. "And you do?"

Clint's jaw dropped. "I, well, um no, I guess, but…"

"And how do you know all the authors are even women?"

Man, even Steve was on his case now.

"Come on guys, can't a bro get a break? Can you find someone else to torture?"

Steve, Bruce and Tony had joined Thor and Clint in the commons area at a very well-stocked bar. Somehow Tony had procured Norwegian Mead in addition to his normal high-end stock and the men were enjoying themselves.

"Come now, my friends," Thor interjected, ever the peacemaker within their little group, "let us drink and be merry, and read the tales others tell of our adventures!"

"Thor, you do understand that these stories aren't real, don't you?"

"Captain, even the truest warrior's tale is exaggerated by the teller. You must come to an Asgardian feast someday, my friends, to hear the tales told over much food and drink!"

Clint smiled. That would certainly be entertaining.

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GOD, Natasha had wanted this for so long.

It had been far too long since Natasha had been able to visit her favorite guilty pleasure in New York City - 'Anastasia Spa.' The older Russian speaking owner was almost always there and made it a point to tend to Natasha herself. She now sat in an excessively comfortable chair, her feet soaking in warm, bubbling water, sipping on a fruit smoothie.

"Sasha, you sure do know how to treat a girl." (translated from Russian – Lazy writer)

"For you, miss Natasha, anything. And who is the lovely friend you have brought with you?"

"This is…" "Sorry Sasha, English please? This is Pepper. She doesn't speak Russian."

(in a thick Russian accent) "Awe, no one is perfect, my dear lady. Any friend of Natasha is a friend of mine."

"It's a pleasure to meet you Sasha. You have a lovely place here."

"Yes, after the aliens Natasha found the best contractor to fix us back up. And the sexiest carpenter man to fix my apartment!"

Pepper looked over to Natasha, smiling. It was good to know she had some kind of life outside of SHIELD and the Avengers. She'd have to remember to ask her later about the business contacts, Avengers tower needed a few repairs… wait, was Natasha Romanoff BLUSHING?"

"If only, my dear girl, someone would break something, you could send your handsome friend by again?"

"I'm sure we can figure something out, Sasha," the mischievous glint in Natasha's eyes hid any previous indication of embarrassment.

"Ah, my dear, not that it makes much difference for me. His eyes were for another…" Sasha emphasized her statement by waiving her eyebrows at Natasha. Pepper wasn't too surprised ANY man would be smitten with Nat. Tony sure had been when she first appeared as Natalie… (* back in Iron Man 2)

"Oh those ARMS, Ms. Pepper! If only you could have seen. And such amazing blue eyes, and what a sense of humor!" She turned back to Natasha. "Oh, and how he looked at you! It is meant to be, Ms. Natasha…"

"OK Sasha, calm down…"

"Oh, but it's true, my friend! Back home they called me Russian word for matchmaker, you know. I think he may have been Cupid himself, sent for you." Looking up in thought, Sasha added, "In fact, he said he was an archer…"

Pepper choked on her smoothie. Natasha stared straight forward, gritting her teeth.

"Are you ok, Ms. Pepper?" Sasha jumped up, rushing to her aid. NO WAY was someone going to choke in her salon! And on one of her signature smoothies, at that!

Pepper collected herself, coughing just a bit. "No no, I'm fine. Don't worry about me." She couldn't help the smile spreading across her face. "So, Sasha, this… carpenter, you get a picture of him?"

Natasha rolled her eyes as Sasha quickly dug into her pockets. "Oh yes, Ms. Pepper! I snuck a couple pictures while he was working!" Of course Clint would have let her photograph him. Men and their egos. She presented the phone. "What a man, is he not?"

Sure enough, Pepper realized, it was Clint. A shirtless, sweaty, smirking Clint. He obviously knew she had been photographing him, and he made sure to give her a good angle and flex just right. She almost giggled. "Natasha, you were not interested in this gorgeous man?"

Natasha raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps I should tell your boyfriend that you think this man is gorgeous?"

Sasha saved Pepper. "Oh but Ms. Natasha, you must see these photographs! And see him again!" She tried to force the phone into Natasha's face, and she tried to turn away. She was here to relax and forget the recent drama, not get immersed in more of it. "Come now, my dear girl, you DO like men, do you not?"

Good lord. "Yes. And fine, I'll look at your picture." Shirtless, sweaty, smirking Clint, working with his hands on Sasha's wood cabinets. So much for a clear mind. Now she was going to have THAT in her head for the rest of the day…

She handed the phone back. "Happy?"

Sasha frowned. "You must now run from love forever, Ms. Natasha. No, then the one day you want it, love will run from you."

Sasha waved over another worker. "I must go, my dears. Nicolai must go to the doctor today, and I must take him."

"Wish him well for me, Sasha."

"Until next time, dear Natasha," (in Russian again). With a slight bow of the head the woman walked out the door.

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Steve passed around another round of beer, making a mental note of the levels of intoxication of his teammates. Thor and himself were, of course, fine. Bruce looked okay as far as he could tell. (He made a mental note to ask Bruce about how the Hulk affects his metabolism later). Tony, being a borderline alcoholic, had quite a tolerance and while he probably was at least a little buzzed, didn't appear drunk.

Clint was an entirely different matter.

The SHIELD agent didn't really have a lot of time to drink, and the little knowledge of his childhood that Steve did have made it quite plausible that he avoided the stuff generally. But not today. In the last hour Clint had been consuming the stuff as if it was his intent to get fall-down stupid drunk. He drank anything and everything anyone handed to him, even some ridiculous flaming concoction Stark had made. Steve smiled as he looked around at his team. He understood what was happening here. They were comforting a friend. In turn, their incredibly secretive, private, and slow to trust friend was actually trusting them enough to let it happen. Steve smiled as he took another sip of a cold beer that would never get him drunk. He wondering what he would have been like if he'd ever gotten drunk.

Clint was a goofy drunk.

He especially enjoyed teasing and laughing at Stark in his inebriated condition. Although, that wasn't all that different from his normal self, however, he did seem more at ease and ready to laugh faster and louder. So the other men encouraged him, hassled him, and gave him alcohol. It was 'guy-night' Steve supposed, but they were giving a little extra attention to Clint.

Clint had convinced the group to look into Stark fanfiction with a challenge. Now the race was on to find the funniest or most embarrassing Tony Stark story.

"This one's pretty good Clint," Steve spoke up, showing his discovery.

"Iron Man knows all," Tony read aloud. "Hmm. Sounds about right to me…"

Bruce laughed. "I'd wait to say that until I read the rest of the story Tony."

The team read to themselves, some faster than others, and everyone faster that drunk Clint.

"Hmmm. I like this premise. I think I may be able to prove the assassins are love birds. What do you say guys, operation BlackHawk?"

The other Avengers groaned. Even Thor. Tony started working on a plan, while the others continued reading.

Steve smiled. "Actually Tony, I thought the author was more onto something with your my little pony collection."

"Hu?" Tony looked confused.

Thor's laugh billowed throughout the room. "Midgardians have interesting ideas on torture…"

"Wha?" Tony looked concerned now.

"That's right Stark, you take one little action towards your operation 'BlackHawk' and I'll personally smash your hidden liquor stash." Clint's eyes were full of mischief. "Or perhaps you'd prefer the "Dora" marathon?"

Thor directed their attention to a different story. "What of this one, my friends?" It was called Artificial Intelligence. Reading ahead, Tony wined. "WHY do all these people think I want a piece of Steve?"

"Hu?" Steve looked up.

Bruce and Clint read about self-aware appliances trying to become the best wingmen in history.

"Dude."

"Dude."

The two men looked at each other and burst into laughter. "Thank god the coffee machine doesn't talk!"

"Or the stove! I think that might frustrate the other guy just a little…"

Tony rubbed his face in thought. "Hmmm. That might be a good idea guys…"

"TONY!"

"Okay okay! Geeze guys, I won't do it, alright? Besides, it would be like cheating on Jarvis."

They continued their search. Bruce spoke up this time, and just started reading. "Tony Stark does not share. Jarvis is his, the tower is his, the Iron Man suit is his, the Arc Reactor is his, all of his alcohol is his, and- a recent acquisition- Bruce Banner is his."

Bruce paused. "Uh, whoops, maybe I should have picked another one…"

"No, I think this one's ok, it says science bros, so it's more like friends, I think…" Steve added. Bruce sighed, and continued.

"The Avengers learn quickly not to toy with Tony. He clearly lacked a few essential life lessons in the sharing department. While he might have been a grown man, he was extremely susceptible to temper tantrums. Also, he had a very dangerous suit of iron at his beck and call. No one tried exceptionally hard to piss him off."

Tony interjected. "Man, this writer doesn't think much of me. I'm not THAT juvenile…" Awkward silence and disbelieving looks abounded. "Oh come on guys!"

Bruce continued reading. "No one except Clint Barton."

"Ha! That's right, bitches, I'm the badass!" the drunk guy interjected.

Bruce raised one eyebrow and with a smirk continued reading.

"Clint was another being that had clearly not been taught a few key lessons, one of which being: don't piss off the people that control your air vents. After stealing some of Stark's favorite blueberries, Clint had climbed into his favorite vent only to find it coated in superglue. It took several SHIELD agents to retrieve that section of ventilation system from the tower and then unstick him." Bruce paused for dramatic effect. "His hands still hurt."

Clint's drunken eyes widened with realization. Tony rubbed his hands together. "Oh HELL NO STARK! DON'T YOU GO GETTING ANY IDEAS!"

Tony laughed. "Turn-about is fair play, bird brain!"

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Thor laughed, thoroughly enjoying himself and his new team. But time had run short for him, and it was time to go. He stood.

"My friends, it is time for me to leave. I go to Jane, and then back to Asgard."

"When should we expect to see you again?" Steve asked, standing to shake his hand.

"It may be some time, I'm afraid. I will send word when I know more. Until then Heimdall watches and will inform me if I am needed here."

They said their goodbyes, Thor asking Clint to give his best wishes to Lady Natasha, and Thor took the stairs to the roof.

"Well, at least I have a little bit of time to try and restock my selection of stout beers before he comes back," Tony smirked, returning to the bar. "Asgardians can drink almost like supersoldiers!"

"Or Russians…" Clint slurred under his breath. Bruce chucked at the archer. He was so smitten with Natasha.

Bruce turned to Steve. "So you never did tell us what Hill said." Steve blushed slightly. Bruce furrowed his brows. "You know, about the whole stolen footage problem?"

"Oh yeah right, that." Tony was pouring Barton a glass of water finally, so luckily he'd missed that little exchange, or Steve never would have heard the end of it. "SHIELD will put their best analysts on it and give us a report on likely threats soon. Until then we're relieved from having to do that again. She did ask us to go through it on our own though."

"That's a little more practical," added Tony, who handed the water to Clint. "Although it's a shame we have to miss the expression on BlackHawk's faces when they read the REALLY good stuff…"

A deafening crack of thunder announced Thor's departure.

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Thunder shook the entire spa where Pepper and Natasha were now enjoying massages.

"Well, sounds like Thor's off to visit Jane again."

Pepper's comment roused Natasha from a very relaxed almost-sleep.

"He is quite taken with her."

A quiet "Mmmm.." was the best response Natasha could give. She hadn't had a decent massage since that mission with Clint in Dubai. That man had magic hands... Dammit Natasha, quit it. She just needed to relax and clear her mind.

Pepper was a different animal though. She'd had her smart phone out the entire time, apparently getting work done. How she could relax while on the clock was beyond Natasha's understanding.

Pepper snorted, then chuckled. Ok, maybe not on the clock then.

Natasha turned to look at the woman who was becoming a friend to her. "Just what is so funny Ms. Potts?"

"Oh, uh, nothing Natasha. Just reading a funny story."

"Oh boy. It's not one of those fanfiction stories is it? I'm sure Tony told you all about those…"

Pepper sighed. "Of course he did. And yes it is, but it's pretty good. It's a really cute story where Clint's a cupid and…"

"Wait, did you say cupid? Like he's an actual cupid?"

"Yes, wings and all! And when people need help finding their soul mates he shoots them with a special arrow…"

"Oh god Pepper. I've heard enough."

"… and he finds his soul mate but he isn't hers and…"

Natasha sat up just a touch, giving Pepper the evil assassin eye.

"Oh cut it out Romanoff, I know very well you will neither harm nor kill me. But, since I'm your friend, I'll stop talking about a subject that obviously makes you uncomfortable."

Natasha wasn't sure how to respond so she didn't. She simply lay back down and tried to forget about fanfiction. It wasn't all that easy considering how Pepper would giggle every five minutes at least it seemed.

Natasha had been satisfied with the safety of the spa and the results of the background checks SHIELD did on every worker there to the point that she was comfortable enough to try and take a slight nap during the remainder of her massage. She cleared her mind, listened to the soothing music, and waited for sleep to take her.

When it did she found herself dreaming. She was in mountains somewhere, no civilization in sight, not even a trail. She was above the tree line, lying on her back surrounded by delicate little wildflowers. The sun shone in her face, and the cool breeze teased her hair.

She closed her eyes, sighing. This was bliss.

She heard a distant banging noise, and sat up to find its source. Down in the valley she could make out a cabin amongst a grove of aspen trees. She saw someone there, apparently working on something outside the cabin.

Curious, she left to investigate.

When she was within 50 yards she crested a small hill and the cabin came into view. It was a small log cabin, and looking as if it had been built by hand. Its occupant was outside, chopping wood. The smell of a wood fire wafted to her nostrils and she breathed it in greedily. This was wonderful.

She didn't have Clint's eyes, so she squinted somewhat at the person outside the cabin. It was a man, about 5'11'' she estimated, with messed sandy hair, his back to her. As she continued her approach she could see rippling chords of muscle across his back and arms. Sweat glistened on his body in the sun, and she found warmth growing in her belly.

She was getting close now, and he was so familiar, but she couldn't place it. Yet, despite not knowing his identity, she found her heart rate increasing and her breath coming more ragged. She swallowed audibly as she felt desire grow within her, and adjusted her shirt to better display her figure.

He stopped after splitting one last log and tilted his head to the side, listening. He turned slowly, and she found herself not twenty feet from her partner, at the one safe house he had yet to reveal to her, the cabin he had built with his own hands. "Clint…" she whispered.

His eyes were glacial ice blue, dancing with magic. She froze. She couldn't move. She couldn't even scream.

"Natasha…" he hissed, and he stalked towards her like every bit the predator that he was.

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"Natasha…" Pepper said quietly, trying to rouse the Russian. The massage was over. Time to leave.

The assassin woke with a start and jumped from the table, assuming a defense stance. Pepper startled backwards, almost tripping over herself. "Whoa! It's ok! It's me, Pepper!"

Awareness came back to Natasha's eyes, and she sighed. "Sorry Pepper." She went about covering herself.

Pepper let out an awkward laugh. "No, I should know better and let sleeping assassins lie. You ready to go? Our time is up."

"Yes I'm ready. Let's go get our things." Natasha led the way back to the changing rooms, pushing the dream from her mind.

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"Come on Bro, can't you give it a rest?" Clint slurred his words as he attempted to dissuade Tony Stark from starting another rant about him and Natasha. "What about the endless number of stories about FrostIron?"

Bruce snickered and Steve grinned. Tony, not near as drunk as he liked to act, responded immediately.

"Yeah, well, they still write you and Natasha together in half of those stories! Come on Clint, you can't say you've never thought about it? Hell, even I did, back when she was Natalie…"

Bruce braced for Clint to launch himself at Tony for such an admission about his partner, but the archer simply sighed and took a seat, slouching. "You guys just don't know what it's like." Their silence encouraged him to continue.

"She's the best partner I've ever had. The best friend I've ever had. I'm not willing to do anything to jeopardize that."

Steve and Tony shared a glance. "But, what if SHE wanted YOU? What if she wanted something beyond what you currently have?"

"She'd tell me."

"Are you so sure?"

"She'd tell me when she was ready. But If I said something and she wasn't ready to hear it? She'd run. And I may not ever find her again." He paused for a moment, then added, "I just can't lose her now."

"Dammit Barton, you two are already SOOO compromised! You just need to DO something about it!"

"What do you mean?" Now, Tony Stark was not often accused of being a man of honor. But he and Natasha had spoken in confidence earlier. To completely spill the beans would probably be wrong, and lead up to whatever torture THE BLACK WIDOW or any crazy fanfiction writer could dream up. So he kept his mouth shut.

"Well, if it's so obvious to us and everyone else in the world…"

"Wait, is that true Steve? Bruce?"

Uh…

Bruce deflected; "Why don't you tell us about one of your missions that isn't in these stories. One that didn't have footage that was stolen."

Barton was just drunk enough to be redirected. So he did. He told them about Tijuana.

"God she was so beautiful that night. It always amazes me how she can go from deadly to stunning with so little effort. She had got herself invited to an exclusive party in an expensive hotel where our mark would be that night, searching for beautiful women to seduce, kidnap, and sell into the slave trade.

It had been easy for her to become his primary interest for the night, and it didn't take long for her to act drunk enough to be led to his hotel room.

Coulson was my eyes on the dance floor, I was her eyes in the hotel room. I was across the street at a different hotel keeping eyes on her with a high powered rifle."

Clint looked up and saw Steve's raised eye brow. "Yeah I know. Can't use the bow every time. I still brought it though, thank god."

"The guy had taken down his curtains, as he was a bit of an exhibitionist. Fine with me, gave me a clear shot no matter where he was in the room, as long as Natasha stayed clear. She knew I was there, and she liked to play with me some times. I earned it I guess, given all the teasing I was always doing through the comms."

Banner interrupted a question on his face. "Play with you?"

Barton took a swig of the hard liquor, grimacing. "She, uh, played along with the mark's fetish, showing herself off at the window while he undressed her. She stared straight at where she knew I was, licking her lips, touching herself… "

"Whoa, okay Clint, we get the picture…" a reddening Steve interjected.

"Oh, sorry guys."

"Hey, no complaints here…" Tony smirked. Bruce smacked him over the head. "Hey! Can't a guy be honest?!"

Clint continued. "The mark went to lie on the bed. She pulled out a sedative injection hidden in the back of her corset…"

Tony's attention snapped back from his drink to Clint. "Did you just say corset?"

Clint smiled. "Yeah, it's amazing. It's black and makes her ass and her tits pop like you wouldn't believe…"

"WHOA there Barton!" It was Bruce this time. "TMI man, TMI!" Clint looked up and saw Steve getting bright red, his head in his hands.

"Oh, uh, sorry guys. It kind of goes with the territory I guess. She doesn't have to sleep with them, not anymore, but she does have to get them into compromising positions…"

"Okay Clint, we get the picture." Steve wasn't sure how much more of this he could take before reaching his limit of embarrassment for the day.

"Yeah. So, the mark sat down, and she was going to go in and sedate him, when he pulled a gun out from under his pillow and shot her in the chest."

"Shit." It was Tony who spoke. The others remained silent.

"Yeah. The fucker didn't get a chance to so much as take another breath, I'll tell you that. After I'd blown the guy's head all over the wall I broke open the rest of my widow and shot a line over with my bow. I crashed through her window and got to her while she was still barely conscious. She tried to say something but only managed to cough up blood. I begged her to hang on. I tried to tell her then…"

Clint looked down into his drink, and the others remained silent.

"Well, she was unconscious in a matter of seconds, so it doesn't matter. They patched her up and her modified super-soldier healing helped her live. The bad guy went to hell and we all got well. The End."

The other men looked between each other, not really sure what to say. Clint, despite his inebriated condition, recognized the awkwardness, and went with his tried and true method for deflecting emotions. He jumped up, suddenly acting cheery.

"Hey, I've got something to show you guys! Be right back!" He ran into his apartment for his bow and a special arrow, leaving the other Avengers confused and uncertain.

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By the time Natasha and Pepper walk into the commons area looking for everyone, the place is a mess and a tight-rope is stretched across the room, hung by arrows. The women exchanged glances.

"Tony?" Pepper called out, starting to fret what they might find. This could take quite a clean-up crew.

Natasha spoke up. "Jarvis, where are the Avengers?"

"Thor has left to visit Jane, and the others Avengers, besides yourself, are upstairs in Mr. Stark's and Ms. Pott's quarters."

Pepper sighed. This wasn't going to be good. It would probably require repairs. Hmmm, maybe I could get Clint to do it…

When the women walked into the penthouse they were greeting by the sound of singing.

Good singing. And a piano.

Barton's voice sang out, echoing throughout the large room.

"Dearest Natasha, your ending's arrived, the ring on your hand is mine tonight. Thank you Natasha, this is goodbye, let me just smile and say it's raining out tonight."

Natasha turned and walked back into the elevator, hitting the close doors button continually until she was alone. They all turned to see her as the doors closed. Pepper was white with shock.

Well fuck.

God, did I just do that? Did I just end with Dearest Natasha? Ug. I'm a bad person. Oh well. Special thanks to my trusty betas: brawler25 & Jabberswife, & to my reviewers from Chapter 7: Precious93, Guest, ShadowBeats22107, Guest, wolfhawke26, paintallthestuff, JoMISm, Sabrina , & Alpha Flyer. Thank you for reviewing, it gives me happy feels. PS, I love constructive criticism, (it's one way to improve) but if you'd feel more comfortable giving that privately feel free to PM me.

Stories referenced in this chapter: "Cupid" by AlphaKantSpell , "Iron Man knows all" by PercyJacksonTheAwesome, "Artificial Intelligence" by Kyaticlikestea, "The Golden Rule" by StaySeated. "Dearest Natasha" is a real song.

Cookies for whoever finds the comic book references from this chapter.

Warning: I've bairly started chapter 9, so it could be more than 1 week before the next update. I'll do my absolute best! To make up for it a spoiler: Clint and Natasha will deal with the 'Dear Natasha' singing in their own way & get back to their own 'normal.' 2nd spoiler: chapter 9's title is "A Hawk and a Spider walk into a bar."