Cri de Coeur
Notes: Find me on Tumblr at spoopercorp and on AO3 as Local_Asshole.
HAVE FUN, FUCKERS.
"Breakfast?"
Kara leaned her shoulder against the frame of her bedroom, a plate of scrambled eggs and toast sat upon her hand.
She addressed the figure buried under the lumps of blankets again when there was only silence, tone firmer and more frustrated.
Her finger flicked the room's lights on.
"Lena."
The woman flinched at the sudden brightness and curled inward even farther.
Kara took a shallow breath to control her impatience and grit her teeth, stern, "You need to eat. Now. You've barely had several bites of food the past week, you must be starving."
Her frown deepened when there was more expected silence.
"Fine," she huffed, setting the plate down on the nightstand with a clank. "Eventually you have to eat something. I'd like to at least see that the eggs are gone by the time I get back from dealing with Snapper. Twenty minutes."
Kara shook her head and closed the door, picking up her phone to scroll through the log and pressing the call button.
"Ponytail!" Snapper shouted angrily, "What do you mean you need three weeks off?"
She pinned her device between her ear and shoulder before heading to her kitchen sink, rolling up her sleeves so she could wash the dishes.
"It's a family issue," Kara mumbled, grabbing the sponge and soaking it in hot soapy water. Then she began her routine absentmindedly, cleaning the dishes at a relatively human speed - she did give Lena twenty minutes after all.
"Family issue?" Snapper grumbled questioningly.
Kara's brows knitted together and began to scrub harder at each set of dirty dinnerware. She found his suspicion slightly irksome, but managed to be polite, "Yes, sir."
"And this isn't you shrugging off your job 'cause your feelings were hurt, right? Like your angst-fest with that Mike intern last year?"
Heat gathered in her chest, she could feel her lungs puff up, fully prepared to bite back with an outburst. Ever since Lena moved in a little over a week ago things had been immensely more difficult, not that the woman was at all 'high maintenance'; the issue was the exact opposite. Kara would go out to quickly take care of minor alien threats here and there, never anything too time consuming, but she would always come back to her apartment to see Lena either working too much or laying in bed in the same spot and position, regardless if she was awake the entire time.
Nothing seemed to change. Lena's food was almost always left untouched, the portions gradually getting smaller and smaller to avoid too much waste.
Kara shook her head and scrubbed the dishes faster, her attention occupied, all worried about the same woman with dull green eyes day after day.
It was just so difficult to convince Lena to eat more than simply pick and prod at meager bits of her meals, and Kara found herself getting desperate - she felt as if time was running out, that she needed to be faster, to rush progress so that Lena would not die of starvation; she was so gaunt, her bones becoming even bonier, her angular features sharpening in a haggard fashion.
It was a grim sight, her cadaverous appearance.
And Lena's innate Luthor habit of overworking, that was even more difficult to try and persuade her out of; L-Corp was prioritized over her health - a lot of things were prioritized over herself actually. Kara was generally optimistic, always noticing the tiny steps forward and the small victories she gained despite the obstacles, but she found no improvement in Lena; she was worsening sluggishly, each breath more difficult than the last. She was wasting away into nothing but skin and bones. She never intentionally tried to kill herself since she moved in, but it was as if her will to live was nonexistent - she did not care, she just gave up.
And Kara could only watch.
And she would not stop trying.
She needed to see something, some emotion - no vacant gazes, empty expressions. She knew the concept of personal space was important, but her patience was wearing incredibly thin.
Kara's thoughts were taken out of the vacuum of her mind and back to reality at Snapper's bite.
"Or is your issue 'cause of your friend Luthor? Apparently rumors have it she almost died, lots of theories and conspiracies online and other news outlets. I'm going to need an exclusive on that pretty soon, Ponytail."
Kara clacked her jaw shut so hard her teeth shook, then she felt the plate in her hands crack, shattering under the weight of her fingers until the pieces were reduced to tiny granules.
Kara felt a rush of air blow from her nostrils in her irritation when Snapper referred to Lena with such...distaste - just like everyone else. Her shoulders fell.
No wonder Lena sought out the black mercy.
A low growl emanated from the back of Kara's throat as she washed the dust off of her hand and around the sink, tossing the larger shards into the trash.
Kara took her phone into her palm and breathed deeply before placing it back against her ear.
"With all due respect, sir, it's a family issue," she reiterated, "It's private. I can't disclose any information, the only thing you need to know is that my help is needed right now. Please," she almost begged, "If you need me to work sooner I will, you can give me a shorter time off, even for just a day - I just need to make sure everything is okay."
Snapper still seemed skeptical, but he relented, his voice never ceasing its demanding tone, "Fine, but be back exactly after three weeks, or you'll lose your job. You're a good employee, Ponytail, but you better make up for the three weeks when you come back to CatCo - no slacking off."
Kara breathed a sigh of relief, "Thank you so much."
The other line clicked and sounded with a monotonous drone, signaling that the call had ended.
She leaned tiredly against the kitchen counter, sliding her phone atop the polished granite. Then she brought a hand to her forehead, fingers hastily running through her blonde locks, nails brushing across her scalp as she pulled the strands back.
Kara released a stressful sound, a cross between a groan and a sigh, and she could feel the exhaustion clouding her vision and garbling her hearing.
And it was not even noon yet and she just wanted to fall back onto her comfy bed and sleep this entire black mercy thing into oblivion.
Kara chuckled, mirth and humor void, and rubbed her eyes - if she were not Kryptonian she would have had dark circles shading the rims of her sockets for days.
She shook her head and returned to the dishes, putting away the silverware neatly in her organized drawers; as time passed it became clear that Lena was either uninterested or indifferent to the idea of harming herself with any sharp object. The knives and forks were slowly transferred from the storage closets back into their rightful places. The cords too were plugged back in when needed - it seemed hanging was not an objective either.
Or perhaps Lena was too drained from the black mercy ordeal to even be able to move a muscle. Perhaps no way out was more ideal than succumbing to the black mercy's fake fantasies - a false peace. Lena was always the perfectionist when it came to things she wanted, she would never settle for less. But for a certain stuttering, stumbling, and clumsy blonde she was always willing.
Maybe that was why Kara was so paranoid all the time. Lena did not seek physical harm to release her trauma, she knew it was but a temporary bliss.
No, she was seeking something permanent, a way out mentally and emotionally - she never did enjoy making messes, everything needed to be in mint condition, and bloodied clothes and floors were not pristine.
Kara pushed in the drawers with quiet thuds and shuffled back into her bedroom.
Everything was the same, as expected.
And the food was untouched, also expected, but Kara would be lying if she said she did not have at least a tiny bit of hope.
She inhaled deeply and exhaled heavily from between her lips and listened. Her head was turned slightly to the side, her ears perked and ready to catch every sound in the room.
Lena's breathing was shallow, short, and uneven, but not erratic. Her heart beat slowly and quietly, a profound moment of serenity to observers without context.
Kara was attuned enough to Lena's habits that she picked up on many things: whether or not she was awake, whether or not she was hungry, whether or not she was thirsty...
This time Lena had fallen once again, a dissociative state snaking around her body and coiling her in a tight cage of isolation, much to Kara's dismay.
The frequent catatonia was preventing Lena from satiating her body's need for nutrients. There was a rare interest in water and an even more nonexistent interest in food unless the cravings became intolerable, so there was a sip there and a bite here, but never a full glass or an entire meal - just enough to get by.
Just barely. Otherwise she was subsisting on oxygen.
Lena always seemed to be on the precipice of something ominous, and something about that was foreboding - their hardships were not yet over.
Kara startled, standing up straight when she finally registered an insistent doorbell coupled with rapid knocking on against wood. She shook her head, silently cursing her introspection as she made her way towards the entrance and unlocked the bolt.
Kara's brows raised in surprise.
"Alex?" she cleared her throat, "Um, what are you doing here?"
They were not exactly on terribly good terms, things were still a bit tense after the hectic situation that was Lena and the black mercy. However, they both managed to mend some parts of their sisterhood, but the other wounds would take more time to scar over, the stitches still fragile and breakable.
"Came to check up on you," Alex answered curtly, folding her arms and striding into the apartment.
Kara narrowed her eyes at her older sister's standoffish demeanor, the aura giving an ambience of aloofness.
"Well, you've done it," Kara replied, snark in her tone evident, "So you're free to leave, but something tells me that's not the only thing you're here for."
She shut the door with a resounding click and gestured to her couch. Alex followed the movement, plopping onto the cushions and kicking up her legs to rest her heels atop the coffee table, arms still folded uncomfortably.
Kara sighed and rolled her eyes before sitting down next to her.
They remained silent on opposite ends of the couch, Alex unmoving while Kara fidgeted here and there with her pillow, then her hands and fingers, then at a wet water stain on her paints from dishwashing. Neither of them seemed to want to break the silence, at least not Kara, but from the corner of her eye she could make out that Alex was grinding her jaw back and forth, as if contemplating really intensely about what to say.
"Is she alright?" Alex inquired.
Kara fought the urge to scoff a 'like you care' to counter the question.
Instead, she stated simply, shrugging, "She's fine, just been sleeping in my room. Nothing new."
Alex raised a brow slightly, then nodded towards the bedroom, jutting her chin at in to ask for permission to go in.
Kara acquiesced with a willing nod and stood to follow her sister into the bedroom, closing the door - they quietly watched Lena breathe in and out, some breaths wheezing more than others, some more uneven, some hitching in nightmarish dreams whenever her dark brows furrowed.
"How long has she been like this?" Alex asked, concerned.
Kara sighed, "I don't know. A few hours? Maybe two or three."
"No. I meant how long?" she reiterated, her tone stressing each syllable differently.
Kara slouched her shoulders and trudged back into the living room, slumping onto her couch and frowning, "Ever since she woke up at DEO headquarters..."
Alex's forehead creased with worry, "No improvements? Still no response to external stimuli? What about any other changes?"
Kara half heartedly threw her hands up, "Almost nothing. She doesn't talk much, she tries not to - I don't even think she actually processes what I'm saying the majority of the time; she can hear things, she just doesn't listen. I mean, she started eating and drinking more a few days ago, but that's about it."
"At least you've managed to do that," came the empty reassurance.
Kara scoffed sarcastically and felt the cushion next to her sink as her sister sat upon it, "Sure," she shook her head. "I'm pretty positive that her body's instinctual need for nutrients was the primary driving force, not my frustratingly annoying pestering every single minute."
"Kara," Alex hummed, placing a comforting hand on a broad shoulder, "Give yourself way more credit than that - you're doing the best you can, and maybe it won't be enough, but you'll know that you tried your hardest."
Kara chuckled and turned her head away to avoid the worried gaze.
"It's been a month, Alex," she whispered, "A month since I took Lena in. Nothing has changed. And it's been six months since the incident that started this mess," her voice cracked, "Sometimes...sometimes I don't think that I'm capable enough to handle this, that I'm not as strong as I used to be, but I don't want to give up hope...not on Lena..."
From the corner of her eye she saw Alex sigh heavily and slide her hand back onto her lap. She hunched over and rested her elbows on her knees, seemingly disturbed.
"That's one of the reasons why I came here."
"What?" Kara's tone was confused, "What do you mean?"
Her peripheral registered that Alex had straightened her seating position and cleared her throat.
"First, J'onn and I think it's best - for both you and for Lena - that Lena herself is taken into DEO custody again so we can monitor her status and state of mind in further depth."
"No," Kara refused instantaneously, "Absolutely not. You are not taking her away. She needs this, to not be surrounded by unfamiliar places and faces, to be in an environment she recognizes more intimately than concrete floors and lead-lined walls. So if you think I'm going to let a bunch of agents bust my door open and touch even a single strand of hair on her head-"
"I know, I'm not."
"-then you're horribly wro - what?" Kara paused, "What do you mean 'I know'? What are you really here for?"
Alex cleared her throat, facing her little sister, her gaze hard and stern.
"J'onn and I have discovered some...irregularities," came the serious statement, "We're suspicious cause the trace elements and frequencies around the DEO were very similar to Barry's interdimensional portals and the Legends' time travelling Waverider. Would you know anything about that?"
Alex gave the Kryptonian a hard stare, who held the eye contact with just as much gusto.
Kara stood up from the couch and rounded on her sister, her jaw twitched and her teeth clacked together audibly.
She would not even try to deny anything.
"I did what I had to do."
Alex revealed absolutely no shock, but her eyes widened slightly in surprise at the immediate admission. Her face snapped back to its default cross expression as she rose from the couch as well to level her glare at her little sister - she was clearly displeased.
Then she was fuming, her voice betraying enraged eyes with an eerie calmness and icy tone.
"Kara, do you have any idea what you've done? Any idea what consequences falls on those who tamper with time travel so casually?"
"I was trying to prevent a death!" Kara countered angrily, "I went back to save a life! That's what I do, Alex! I'm Supergirl for Rao's sake!"
"No!" Alex screamed, jabbing an accusatory finger against a chest of steel, "Listen up, you're wrong!"
Kara's brows furrowed, eyes narrowing at the shorter woman, "Excuse me?"
"You heard me," she growled, "You didn't just save a life. You saved Lena. Do you get that? You saved your best friend out of some selfish, impulsive desire! You didn't go back in time as Supergirl to get a goddamn mission done. You went back as Kara dressed up in a fancy suit to stop Lena Luthor from killing herself!"
"Stop!" Kara demanded, her nostrils flaring. She felt searing heat build up in her skull. "You're on dangerous territory, Alex."
"I suggest you cut your losses," the agent uttered coldly.
Kara's mouth parted, gaped open like a fish out of water. "H-How can you say that?"
"Believe me," Alex started, "You're doing no one any favors keeping a basket case in your apartment. She might as well be dead already."
"Shut up!" Kara roared, her eyes glowing an uncontrollable flaming blue. She gasped and shut them before she could do any damage, turning her head away as an extra precaution.
Alex continued, unrelenting with her coldness, "Lena isn't the only one falling apart, Kara. You're falling apart with her. You're drilling holes inside of you, you're ripping yourself apart just so you can stitch Lena back together."
"If I don't care about her, who will?" Kara whispered.
Alex paused in the middle of her tirade, blinking dumbly at the rhetorical question that was choked out from quivering lips.
Kara folded her arms. "That's what I thought."
Alex exhaled from her nostrils in frustration, "Are you really telling me that this is the best option for her?"
"And are you really telling me that you wouldn't do the exact same thing if it were Jeremiah?" Kara shot back.
"That's not what I'm saying! Don't twist this situation up and turn it back on me!" Alex rebuked, "Of course I'd do the same for him! But you know what the difference would be?"
She stalked closer to the Kryptonian until they were eye to eye.
"He'd want to stay alive."
Kara's breath hitched at the merciless remark, too speechless to make a proper comeback.
"I-I...I can fix this..." she whimpered, mostly to herself.
Alex scoffed, "Look at her!"
She stormed into the dimly lit bedroom where an almost lifeless figure rested.
Kara followed hastily, panicked, "What are you doing?"
"Look at her!" Alex repeated, gesturing roughly at Lena's pitiful form. "Take a good fucking look, Kara! She's a living corpse! She's a million miles beyond repair! You can't just fix this! How naive are you?"
Tears welled up in blue eyes, a strangled sob crawling out of a hoarse throat.
Alex's expression and posture stiffened at the sound.
"I..." Kara's pleading voice broke, "I'm tired, Alex. I'm tired of losing people. I can't..."
She trailed off.
"I'm just worried about you."
The tone was softer, gentler.
"I know," Kara whispered shakily, unable to keep her eyes on Lena any longer - it was unbearable.
"We're all worried about you," Alex frowned, "If Lena isn't making an effort to get better, then maybe-"
"Don't. Don't finish that sentence," Kara breathed, "Just leave. Please. I need...I need time to think."
Her older sister nodded, eyes caring, "Okay."
Alex was escorted out, the door closing with a soft click.
Kara leaned back against it and heaved a great sigh, burying her face in her hands in distress, small tears escaping blue eyes.
She attempted to calm her breathing, wiping the rest of the wetness from her cheeks.
The ineffable panic came back when she lifted her hands to inspect them, the palms covered in blood, flashing back and forth from clean peachy flesh to viscous red.
Kara gasped, her hands trembling and chest constricting painfully. She stumbled her way to the kitchen sink and turned on the water, soaking her hands under the faucet's cool liquid.
Then she picked up the sponge and scrubbed harshly, eyes squinted in pure concentration.
The bloody image refused to be wiped off from her mind, and she increased the pressure and speed of her scrubbing, the action mindless but familiar - habitual; the incessant handwashing was a habit picked up in her guilt and nightmares.
At this point Kara's eyes were wide with terror, her entire frame was shaking so violently her vision was blurring and anyone who could see her probably would have been alarmed by her vibrating body.
Then she noticed the sponge had disappeared, the Kryptonian's panicked pressure sanding it down to nothing.
Kara sobbed, waterfalls of tears dripping endlessly from her chin and into the drain.
Eventually, she succumbed, collapsing to the floor with red hands irritated by so much inhuman friction.
Kara laid on her side and brought her knees up to her chest, curling into a ball as she failed to control the hyperventilation.
She gasped to herself, watching as she clenched and unclenched her hands repeatedly, "C-can't wash off. B-Blood. Too...too much r-red. I-I can't..."
There was a ringing in her ears, drowning out all other sounds, the edges of her vision darkening.
"N-no more. Please," she begged to no one.
Then there was black.
Kara flinched at a drip of water splashing on her cheek, eyes still shut tightly.
Then she snapped them wide open after a long stream of coldness soaked her shirt.
Kara bolted upright, turning off the sink and unplugging the stopper, draining its contents and dropping a towel to the floor to soak up the water.
Then she paused, swaying for a moment, a sickening feeling churning her insides; she felt nauseous, eyes producing salty tears at the corners before she leaned over the sink and emptied the contents of her stomach. She retched the remaining acid out and her nose wrinkled with disgust at the acrid stench of vomit and turned on the faucet to flush it down the pipes.
Kara retrieve a glass of water to wash her mouth of the unpleasant taste and spit it into the drain. She glanced at her watch and noted she had been in panic attack mode for around five minutes before passing out for ten. A part of her was thankful, because if it were not for the attack, she would have spent thirty minutes scrubbing her hands red and raw - maybe even until the flesh peeled over - from the crimson blood on them that was never really there.
Kara took several deep breaths to further calm her rapid heart rate, to soothe the ache in her chest with every painful beat. She sighed, trudging back into her room where she was greeted with the same image every day - Lena still had not moved a muscle save for the tiny quivering.
Kara slumped onto the small sofa next to her friend's side of the bed and waited with renewed patience. She observed the jade eyes, how they glazed over and stared blankly at the wall in front of them - into nothing - all unmoving, unblinking, and abnormally dilated.
Kara pulled her seat closer to the edge, resting a warm palm atop cold and fragile knuckles, easing the trembling with gentle rubs back and forth over the bony ridges.
She was unable to resist the temptation of rest and succumbed, her eyes pulled closed by sleep's lead-filled weights, and her body leaned back into the cushions.
Her fingers remained entangled firmly with Lena's hand.
Notes: Constructive criticism appreciated.
