She waits for me at night, she waits for me in silence
She gives me all her tenderness and takes away my pain
And so far she hasn't run, though I swear she's had her moments
She still believes in miracles while others cry in vain
It's all about soul (She's all about soul)
It's all about faith and a deeper devotion
It's all about soul (She's all about soul)
'Cause under the love is a stronger emotion
She's got to be strong 'cause so many things gettin' out of control
Should drive her away
Why does she stay?
It's all about soul
She turns to me sometimes and she asks me what I'm dreaming
And I realize I must have gone a million miles away
And I ask her how she knew to reach out for me at that moment
And she smiles because it's understood there are no words to say
It's all about soul (She's all about soul)
It's all about knowin' what someone is feelin'
The woman's got soul (She's all about soul)
The power of love and the power of healin'
This life isn't fair
It's gonna get dark, it's gonna get cold
You gotta get tough but that ain't enough
It's all about soul
There are people who have lost every trace of human kindness
There are many who have fallen, there are some who still survive
As she comes to me at night and she tells me her desires
And she gives me all the love I need to keep my faith alive
It's all about soul (She's all about soul)
It's all about joy that comes out of sorrow
It's all about soul (She's all about soul)
Who's standing now, who's standing tomorrow?
You've got to be hard, as hard as the rock in that old rock 'n' roll
But that's only part, you know in your heart
It's all about soul
-'All About Soul' by Billy Joel
Chapter 8: Farewell, Felicity
The tall man standing at the polished sideboard nearest the study window was a gravely handsome fellow, nearly sixty years old, but age did little to take away from his handsome, masculine features. There were streaks of grey in his dark brown hair, which was neatly pulled back into a queue and tied with a black silk ribbon that his beloved wife had given him years ago. Queues were beginning to be out of style now, here in the year of 1818. But his wife loved his long hair and so he dare not get it cut, but merely trimmed to maintain it just the way she liked it.
All of his married life he had done everything that made his wife happy and he had never regretted it or tired of it. Physical affection had always been his reward, and he never tired of that, either. Her kisses had been as warm and plentiful as always.
He poured himself a third glass of Madeira and sighed tightly. They should all be here soon, he thought of his children, they wouldnt dare dally around. Not when this was happening.
And he couldn't believe it was happening.
His brown eyes crinkled at the coners, but if anything, he looked striking. Broad shouldered, well-carried, one would never imagine that his back ached like the devil and he had to use a cane to walk with becuase of some old war wound, but the cane made him look quiite distinguished, and rightfully so. He was a former merchant, a successful one. His children- and grandchildren- would never want for anything. They had been raised well, raised not to squander or treat money disrespectfully, for they had been taught that just because something is there for you one day doesn't mean it will be there for you the next. Yes, he and his wife had raised their children well.
But they still needed thier mother. They would always need her. But no one needed her more than he did. Perhaps it was selfish to think so, but at this hour the man at the sideboard by the window did not care. He wanted to be selfish. He only wanted her.
He sipped from the lead crystal glass of Madeira and stared out the window of the very fine cottage they lived in, just outside the town of Williamsburg, Virginia. They could have afforded to move into a statelier place, with more rooms than they knew what to do with, but she hadn't wanted that. The children hadn't wanted that. They loved this place and the memories woven into it. The love, the laughter, the joy.
He wasn't feeling too joyful right now, though. He felt as if his very life was coming to an end. He'ds had time to prepare for what was happening this day, but even knowing what was coming before it actually happened did nothing to soften the wretched blow it was bringing to him, to his family.
A knock at the oaken door of the study interrupted his morose thoughts, but he didn't blink nor turn toward the door. Just continued starting out the window. "Come in," was all he said, and barely loud enough to be heard at that. The door creaked a little as it was slowly opened.
"Father."
This time he did turn around, and saw his own eyes staring back at him with concern from the younger man who entered the room. So much like him, this younger man was. Tall, handsome, brown hair with a reddish tinge...but he had his mother's features, too, and seeing the obviousness of that shot pangs of sorrow into the elder man's heart. This younger version of himself had thick, neatly trimmed hair, albeit with the sideburns that gentlemwn seemed to find in fashion these days. He was dressed impecably: grey trousers all the way down to black, polished laced choes,and a dark brown coat with a high collar and wide lapels over a short dark grey waistcoat, which in turn he wore over a high-collared white shirt, complete with high-necked cravat. He looked very much like the successful lawyer he was.
"How is she?"
Ben Davidson's grim, unhappy face did not alter even in the presence of his eldest son. "Not good, Benny. Not good at all." He finished the Madeira in a single gulp and turned back to the window. He sensed his son coming to stand by him and murmured, "The doctor is in with her now. I...assume everyone is here?"
"No, not quite. Maggie told me Daisy and Henry were coming with Elizabeth and Arthur this afternoon."
Ben merely nodded.
Ben Jr. cleared his throat uncomfortably, for he was unaccustomed to seeing his father so stoic. Lost, even. "When may I see her?"
"When the doctor is finished. Each of you..." Ben stopped mid-sentence. Half a dozen intense emotions threatened to explode and take over his body. For the sake of his children- his and Felicity's- he must keep himslef composed. "Each of you may see her in turn. She wants it that way."
Ben Jr. nodded slowly, inhaling nervously. His mother was dying, that he knew. Some illness she'd had as a child, before his father had even left to go to war, had weakened her heart. At that time no one had known that. Only now, when advances had been in medicine, did they recieve the diagnosis. Having had eight children had also been a strain. Her lithe body was failing her and no doctor could help her. Medicine apparently wasn't that advanced after all. He found himself wishing he had gone into the medical profession instead of law. Then maybe he couldve found a cure for what was killing his mother.
Ben Davidson sighed and finally sat his empty glass down. It would not do anyone good if he was drunk at a time like this. "I'm going up to see what's taking so long."
He started for the door to the study when his eldest son said aloud, "You don't think she has already..." He couldn't bring himself to say it.
Without turning back around Ben swallowed, albeit dry-mouthed, and replied, "No. Not yet."
Hell, he had no idea. If she had suddenly passed, the doctor would have called for everyone at once. Ben's feet felt heavy and numb as he slowly ascended the stairs, and suddenly he was struck with the memory of carrying his young bride up these very steps to their bedchamber for their first night together as man and wife. He had carried her up these steps many times, when she was pregnant, when she felt tired, and when he simply had a mind to. The notion that he would never carry her again made his chest feel thick and weighted.
The doctor was outside his and Felicity's bedchamber door, putting on his cloak. He acknowledged Ben with a nod and said, "She is as comfortable as she can be, Ben. I've done everything I know to do. There's simply nothing that can be done to reverse her condition."
Ben inhaled, not knowing how to respond to those words, despite the doctor's sympathetic tone. After a momnet he mangaed to inquire, "How much time?"
The doctor, a thirty-some year old fellow with kind hazel eyes and roundish face said, "Perhaps a day or two."
Ben's throat tightened. He bit his bottom lip, blinked away the sudden tears that threatened their merciless release. "She is awake?"
"As much as can be. If she wants to eat or drink, let her. If not, don't force it." The doctor paused, putting a hand on the older man's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Ben, I wish there was more I could do."
So do I, thought Ben wearily. "Thank you, Jacoby. My children are downstairs...could you tell them I would like to be alone with their mother a bit?"
"Of course." The younger man nodded and excused himself, leaving Ben alone in the hall.
Ben took a deep breath and tried to steady himself. How could he possibly be steady when he was losing the love of his life, his very reason for breathing? This wasn't supposed to be happening-he wanted to be the first to go. How many times had he told her that he could not survive without her? What use was he to the world if she was not in it? The children were grown, had a few kids of their own, they would all be all right. Wouldn't they?
He calmed himself as much as he could and pushed the door to their bedchamber open.
She was sitting up in the bed, proped up on pillows, but not exactly upright. She was too dizzy for that. Her eyes had been on the door, expecting him. Her red hair, without a single grey hair in it, flowed over her shoulders in waves. She wore one of the fine lacy nightgowns he had purchased for her just last year, for her birthday. Her fiftythird birthday.
She was still too young to be dying.
Looking at her, a person got the notion that she was perhaps around forty, for she certainly didn't look fiftythree. There were no wrinkles crossing her pixie-ish face. Laugh lines aat the corners of her green eyes, but those certainly did not take away from her charm and attractiveness. She was pale and frial-looking, having lost so much weight from being ill, but to Ben she was still the most beautiful thing in the world. It wasn't fair that Heaven sholul get have so soon!
Weak as she was, she still managed to raise a white hand to him as he came ot the bed, smiling at him warmly. Her expression was tired but at peace, which was a relief to Ben, for he could not bear to see her in any pain. He took her hand as he sat, laid his cane down on the floor so that he coudl hold it with both hands, then raised it to his lips. He could not stop the tears from filling his eyes. It was just stupid to even try.
"Ben Davidson, will you stop that?" she scolded him lightly in a voice maturer than it used to be, but no less sweet to the ears. If anything she sounded like she did in her twenties. Age had been good to her; her children had kept her young and spirited. "You are more emotional than a woman on her wedding day!"
He chuckled, marvelling at her humor when she was close to...No, he wasn't going to think about it. He wanted to show her he could be strong. Her frail hand still had a soothing warmth to it that he could not imagine never feeling again. But yet he could not keep the sorrow from his voice. "This is not right, hmm? It's supposed to be me, not you."
Despite her light breathing, she snorted. "Says who?"
"Ah, Lissie, my beautiful girl..."
"Do you know how lucky we are, to have the time to say goodbye? How many families wish they'd had the chance to say it? William curses himself still to this day for being gone when father passed."
"He's here, you know," Ben told her softly. "They are all here."
Felicity knew, and understood. Right now, though, she only wanted Ben with her.
"Are you hungry? Thirsty?" he sniffed, fearing that his resolve was weakening. "Is there annything I can get you so that-"
"Stop it, Ben," she scolded a little more firmly this time.
"There is apple wine from King's Creek-"
"Ben."
His brown eyes rose to meet her green ones, and he was unable to keep the sadness at bay. "What am I supposed to do, Lissie? Act like my world is not coming to an end? Accept that this is God's will and everything is right and proper like it should be? I can't do that. I can't. My...my cavalry pistol is in the trunk over there. Let me fetch it, and I wlil only be a moment behind you when you... when you..."
Her eyes were a muted green, but still defiant. "No you won't, Benjamin Davidson, I will not have it. You will not take your own life after I die, do you hear me? If you have any love for me at all, you will not do anything of the sort."
"God, Felicity, that is not fair."
"Oh yes it is! I want to spend eternity with you when you join me in Heaven, not spend it in misery because you chose suicide over me." He looked so helpless that she softened and laid her hand upon his warm cheek. "No, its not fair that I am leaving you all so soon. But think: we shall have forever, Ben. What is the time we spend in this life compared to eternity! Why, after several thousand years of it has passed, you may find yourself getting sick of me!"
He just couldn't keep from chuckling again. In the worst of situations, she always made him smile. Grin. Feel a little better. "Love, that could never happen." He paused, studying her loving face. His own voice softened, to the point where he sounded as if he were almost pleading. "What am I supposed to do with myself without you, huh? How am I supposed to endure slepping without you by my side, without you to kiss goodnight and good morning? What do I do while I am waiting to be with you again?"
She did not need the time to consider this, for she had already considered everything when she came to accept that she wasn't getting any better. Her reply to his questions was immediate. "You live, Ben. It is as simple as that. You live for me. For our Lord, for our family, for everything we have created in our life together. You tend to it, so it will be able to continue when you are gone. Yes, the children are grown, but they are still our children. When you sleep, you sleep knowing that we are another day closer to being together again. And when we are, we will kiss just like we always have."
Ben had to smile at that, for their relationship had always been a physical one. They had enjoyed that part of their marriage immensely. Eight children were proof of that. "You believe there is kissing and such in Heaven, my beautiful girl?"
If she'd had the strength and her body was working like it used to, she would have blushed profusely. He still called her his beautiful girl after all these years. "Yes, of course I do. It is Heaven, is it not? And the Lord does smile upon the bonds of husband and wife." Her hand, having become weak after being holding it up to his face for even a few minutes, had grown tired and went down to lay upon his chest.
"If you believe it is so, then so shall I." He clasped her hand to his chest and moved forward, leaning over her to kiss her lips gently, lingering for as long as he could.
"Then you will do as I ask?"
He sighed, laying her hands upon her stomach and stroked her hair. "I have no choice, do I? I want to spend eternity with you, desperately." The smile eased back onto his face. "I never could refuse you."
She smiled slyly. "I was counting on that."
They gazed at each other a moment, then Felicity rested her head back against the pillows and commanded in a near-whisper, "Hold me awhile, Ben. Before the children come in."
He nodded and situation himself so that he could fill his arms with her and have her curl against him, much like they did when they went to bed at night. He held her tightly, as tight as he could without hurting her, hoping she could find some comfort in what strength he could still give her with the achiness in his bones these days. But he quickly dismissed those aches. He didn't care abotu them anymore. His body might be fighting the onset of older age, but his spirit was still that of the hot-headed apprentice that fell in love with his master's enigmatic daughter years and years ago. It was an aggravating thing, to be so youthful within an aging body that would not allow one to do what one's spirit wanted to do! How many times had he felt bad for the aged, wondering how sore and achy they must feel? Now here he was, nigh onto sixty and finding out for himself what it was like.
It stank.
Here he was, a seventeen year old hot head stuck in a body that had to grow old! Thank the Lord one did not ahve to take one's feeble, life-worn body with them when they died! Ben founding himself feeling releived that his Felicity would not have to take her illness with her when she...departed. She would be given a new, better body to match the spirit she was. She'd be whole, vibrant, active again. He could just see her, reunited with her beloved horse Penny, who had passed decades ago, riding to him in billowing white robes, her magnificent mane of red hair free and flowing, her face just glowing with love and happiness. His angel. His alone.
"I love you so much Lissie. So very, very much," he whispered firmly. "There just aren't enough words...no proper words to match what I feel for you. You must know that. Surely you that."
"I do," she whispered back, her sweet voice tinged with drowziness. "And you must know that I love you so very much, too, Ben. Always."
"Please do not let it be long until we are together again. You know how impatient I can be." They both laughed gently, then Ben said, "Still cannot believe I am losing you..."
"Ah, Ben, you are not losing me. I will not be lost. You know very well where I'll be. I shall be waiting for you, you hot-headed soldier. Just...be a good soldier for me, Ben, and when your tour of duty is over, I will be home waiting for you."
"Oh God," he cried ever so softly at her words, words that moved him more than he could imagine, and his tears fell into her hair as he wept silently. She could not harden her hold on him, for she lacked the strength now, but she could move enogh to gaze up into his face and smile lovingly. She still saw the youthful Ben that he used to be, and still was inside, and she loved the light in his eyes. No, they would not be apart for long.
And that was a thing about dying. Sometimes you were open to all kinds of knowledge that you previously had no access to. A final confirmation, an assuredness unlike anything one had ever felt before, where certain facts and information came to you as if they were feelings. That special intuition that people often experience, as when instinct tells you to duck or look around. There are some things that you just know, and when you were dying, your mind began to open to all sorts of things that you could never know as long as you remained in the mortal world. And so Felicity understood these things that were being revealed to her, indeed, from a higher source, a souce that one simply could not doubt.
"The children, Ben," she said to him with a smile, "I need to see them now."
He swallowed, nodding understandlingly.
She saw each of her and Ben's eight children one at a time, starting with Benny first and the twins last,and even then Eric and Daisy seperately. Each offspring, son and daughter, would emerge from their parents' bedchamber in turn with eyes full of tears, but with a sense of peace and understanding to help soften the sorrow. To each of the daughters she bequeathed a certain peace of jewlery belonging to her that had come from the Merriman family or some sentimental piece that Ben had gotten her on one of their many trips together. To her boys she left certain pieces of Edward Merriman's things, which they would appreciate and treasure, for they had loved their grandfather so very much.
King's Creek itself had been left to the Merriman family, and between Felicity, Nan, Polly and William, they had decided that no one individual would claim ownership. That it would be a place of refuge for the entire family and their families that descended from them. Ben and Felicity were immensely glad of that. No one felt the need to fight over the property, for its sentimental value was too great to fall to into such a sad situation.
After her children spent time with her she needed time to rest. She ate very little. Blissful Jones's daughter, Lulu Girl, was the Davidson's housekeeper these days and she was, a Felicity put it, "one hell of a cook!" She made Felciity sausage and griddle cakes with syrup, but she could only eat a little of it. "How about some of that King's Creek punch," she said suggestively to Ben later that evening, snuggling down a bit further in her sheets and making her eyebrows jump. "i would like a bit of that."
She was, of course, referrring to the plantation's trademark apple wine. Ben grinned helplessly and fetched her some, and the two of them sat and drank with Arthur and Elizabeth as if it were old times, except that they were all in Felicity and Ben's bedchamber. And Felicity herself was dying. Elizabeth was in the middle of relaying that her second daugther, Beatrice, just gave birth to girl over in England...where she lived with her husband, the grown up Lord Thomas Covington, heir to the Bel Hastings dukedom. The baby girl, like one of felicity's own daughters, was named for Thomas's mother Evangeline, whom everyone seemed to agree was some sort of mystical force in the lives of everyone her widower husband Lord Eric had deemed friends.
Elizabeth was as lively as ever, the cheerful heart of her own household of plenty and doting grnadmother. Yet the sparkle in her blue eyes had never faded. Felciity asked of her and Arthur in private to "please look after Ben. Don't let him be lonely."
"Felicity," Elizabeth sniffed emotionally as she clasped her best friend's hands to her heart, "we can abduct him and put him in a cage in our parlor, and he would still be ever so lonely for you. But we will do our very best to keep him occupied."
"Aye, my friend, you have our word," agreed Arthur, his hair showing grey, but still blond. His face was still that of one who preferred laughter over anything else in the world. "We shall keep him absolutley drunk!"
Felicity smiled at them, knowing Arthur was joking, but appreciating it nonetheless. Arthur and Elizabeth had been the very best friends a person could ever have. Their families would always be intertwined, their children sharing special bonds with one another for generations to come. It was a blessed, wonderful thing to dwell upon when one was about to leave the living world.
Felicity saw her siblings in turn and was assured that they would be all right. Of course there were tears, so so many tears, but there was laughter in recalling the past and the good times they all had together. Felicity asked for Bronwyn after she saw William and asked her to keep any eye out for Nan, Polly and her dear brother, for out of the spouses her siblings had married, Felicity found Bronwyn to be the fiercest of family protectors.
She knew her family would be just fine.
The grandchildren visited her and made her laugh. Then she was quite tired and asked for Ben, who was at her side within the minute. Oh how nice it was to be wrapped in his arms, to feel the warmth and solidity of his body and know that the separation that was coming would not be long. They would soon embrace again. He pulled back to look into her tired but pleased green eyes, and she asked of him, "Take me to the window?"
Thunder was rolling in the east. There was a good breeze coming through the half opened windows of the bedchamber the following morning, the smell of rain and the onset of summer coming with it. The sky to the east looked dark and stormy, but not so bad as to suggest destructive weather. Ben had slept lightly that night, jerking himself awake in time to see Felicity smiling at him, stroking his hair with a slightly trembling hand.
"Lissie?' he had asked groggily, trying to wake himself up faster. His hip ached where he's been shot in the war, and he cursed himself for having lain on it all night, but he wanted to be facing his wife, so that he could see her when he opened his eyes. And he did. "My beloved Ben," she had murmured sleepily, her own eyes fluttering to stay awake.
And then he knew. It was time.
She asked to go to the window. He woke faster than he had ever done before, tears in his eyes. But he didn't cry, he didn't want her to see him cry. He would be strong for her, he would do as she asked of him. Though his back and hip protested, he gathered her up into his arms. She looked very much content yet sleepy. But hers wasn't the normal sleepy. She was being called home, and she wanted him to be holding her when she went.
"I love you," he told her, his lips moving against her temple as he carried her to the window. Her arms were nearly limp about his neck. "You are the love of my life. You always have been. You are my only love, Lissie. My beauty. My best friend. My everything."
She knew he was sad, she knew he would mourn for quite some time. But she knew he would do as she asked and wait his turn to be called home. She smiled a little, lifting her face to look up at him. "My Ben. I do love you so. You have made me so happy in life. It will be a grand eternity."
Holding her, he stood before the window, holding her firmly, as though he could contain her life within her body by holding her so close to himself. One of her arms slipped from around his neck and into her lap, for suddenly she could not feel it any longer. But that was all right, she knew to expect it. She could hardly feel much of her body at all, yet she could feel Ben's breathing as though it was the very essence of her life. She could feel his heartbeat against her, feel his warmth radiating through her, and it was a wonderful feeling.
So many people fear dying, she thought incredulously. Most people live their entire lives fearing it. This is not so bad. Oh, I am sad for my family, I shall miss them. But it won't be for long. Ben will be with me soon, I have been told so. Nay, this is not bad...I feel as though something exciting is waiting for me when I wake up again! I hear voices...familiar voices...they are not coming from the house here...Mother? Father? Oh my goodness, my parents!
Ben felt her stir ever so slightly in his arms as he looked down at her. "Lissie?"
"Love you, Ben," she murmured sleepily, her eyelids fluttering uncontrollably, sleepily. "I will be waiting..."
Then her eyeslids were still. The breeze coming thorugh the window seemed to have stilled somewhat, and a louder round of thunder made Ben jump. He looked down at his wife again and gulped. She appeared to have gone back to sleep. No, wait. She was not asleep. She was gone.
Ben Davidson heaved a mighty sigh and a tear ran from one of his glazed brown eyes as he sat down into the nearby armchair, still holding Felicity to him. He positioned her so that her haead was resting on his shoulder and let his sorrow flow silently and privately into her dark red hair. He remained that way for some time, until it was pouring the rain and the first storm of summer was rumbling down, almost gently. He remained where he was with her until Lulu Girl, Benny and Maggie came knocking on the bedchamber door.
A/N: I did some thinking. Yeah, I do that now and then, when it suits me. I had every intention of writing two death scenes: Felicity's and an alternate one where Ben is the first to die. But after doing this chapter and being exhausted from it, I've decided: one death scene is enough! Death scenes are tiring and no amount of caffeine can fix it. And they are depressing. There are only two chapters left to go, and one of them isn't really a chapter, but more like a 'thanks for reading' kind of thing.
