A/N: Yes, it took me another two months to update. Oh well, at least it wasn't six. I'm not promising anything but I am tentatively suggesting this will be finished by New Year's. But there is no guarantee. Most of the next chapter is already written though, so that's good.

On another bad note, I've stopped receiving any and all emails from This includes review alerts, story alerts, posting confirmations and PMs. Is this just me or is it everyone? I apologize if I haven't responded to a PM, I just haven't received it. If you do want to get it touch with me, please email me directly. See my profile page for the email.

Oh, right, DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything related in any way to the Animorphs Series by KA Applegate.

Important: I've noticed (according to my hits break down) that several of you skipped chapter 5. I think this is because I posted 5 and 6 at the same time. This is a very very bad thing, because chapter 5 is integral and you are probably very confused if you missed it. Please go back and read it.

Chapter 8

Whatever Happened to Us?

Marco

It was the next morning when I rode my bike to Cassie's farm. I wasn't sure what I was going to tell her, but I couldn't keep Rachel's visit to myself. Her visit had shaken me badly, and I knew Rachel wasn't going to make it on her own much longer.

Cassie looked surprised to see me when I walked into the barn. I didn't blame her, I wasn't sure I had ever shown up there alone before. And I knew none of us had really seen each other since the last battle. Cassie waited for me to speak.

"I ran into Rachel yesterday. Actually she ran into me, but you know. Same dif." Cassie's eyebrows went up.

"How was she?" I took a deep breath and let it out. This was not going to be easy.

"Um … she's um … not doing to good." I rubbed the back of my neck with my hand, unsure of how to continue. Cassie stared at me expectantly. I let it out in a rush. "When I said she ran into me, I meant literally. I don't think she even realized it was me at first. She definitely hadn't noticed she was on my street. She asked me what I was doing there. She was really weird, like not there. She looked like hell. I stated joking around with her, you know, kinda hoping she'd joke back. And she didn't and then, all of a sudden, she starts crying." Now Cassie really looked surprised.

"She was crying? In front of you?" I nodded.

"Yeah, so I was seriously freaked out. I mean I had no idea what to do, she's just like standing there on the sidewalk bawling her eyes out." And I continued to tell Cassie what had happened. I told her about Rachel crying and screaming, and told her that Rachel was really not all right. Totally not okay. At that point in the story Cassie practically had her jaw on the floor.

Then I told her about our conversation. And I told Cassie what, deep down, she already knew. "It had to be done. We all knew that Cassie. She was just the one who did it, that's all." Cassie looked away, knowing I was right. "She didn't want to do it Cassie. I think she wanted anyone to do it but her. But for some reason she felt she had to.

"And I'll tell you another thing Cassie. Even though we'll all say we couldn't have done what she did. I've done a lot of thinking since she asked me that and I think one of us would have. If Rachel had been too … injured, or unconscious, or something, one of us would have had to do it. We'll all say it's not true, but if she hadn't, one of us would have. I don't know who, but one of us."

Cassie looked away again, tears in her eyes. Was this just the effect I had on girls lately? And then she said something I had not expected to hear.

"I know." She look at me again, stared straight into my eyes, and I could see the pain and sadness that came with that verbal acknowledgment mixing with tears in her eyes. "I know."


Rachel

It was the afternoon two days after I had seen Marco that Cassie showed up. Though I was surprised to see her, I didn't say so. She sat on my bed and I lay there, not looking at her. Finally, she spoke.

"Marco came to see me yesterday. Said he'd run into you." It was more the opposite, but again, I said nothing. "He said you were pretty screwed up." An understatement. "Rachel." I turned to look at her, in all my screwed-up-sleepless-nights-unwashed-hair-tear-stained-cheeks glory. Cassie struggled to keep the look of shock from her face, but came nowhere close to succeeding.

She had never seen me like this. None of them had ever seen me this bad. I was Rachel. I was beautiful. I was strong. I wanted the war. I loved the violence. That was how Rachel was supposed to be. Not like this. But it was this that was the real me. And though I had kept me hidden for so long, Cassie finally saw the truth. And knew that this was partly their fault. And the tears welled up in her eyes as she spoke:

"My God, what did we do to you?"

And I stared at her and started crying too.

It was a long while before either of us had calmed down enough to speak. Cassie spoke first.

"I'm so sorry." And she was. "This …" she gestured at me "this isn't just about … the battle … This is everything, isn't it." It wasn't a question. I nodded. "How could you … and not tell us?"

"It was easier. For you. For all of you. If you didn't know …it didn't hurt you."

"Oh Rachel." She hugged me. "This shouldn't have to be all on you." And it couldn't be now. Now that Cassie knew what it did to me, she wasn't safe anymore. It would haunt her too.

"I tried to keep all of you safe. I didn't want you to get hurt … they always get hurt …" Everyone. Everyone close to me got hurt. Divorced parents. One on the other side of the country. Both workaholics. Sisters who barely even remembered … him. Him who we never talked about. Then there were the Animorphs. Jake, our leader, who made decisions no one should ever have to make. Marco, whose own mother was slave to the leader of the Yeerk Invasion. Cassie, the moral one in our group, whose forced actions tore apart everything she believed was right. Ax, countless miles from home, who had lost his brother to the war. And Tobias. Who'd lost his father and mother, who'd lived between two abusive guardians for most of his life. Who was trapped in a body not his own. Yes, they all got hurt. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep you all safe." Cassie gripped my hand.

"Rachel, honey, that's not your job. We all do our best just to keep ourselves okay. It's too much to try to keep everyone else's conscience clean. That can't be done in the life we live." I nodded. Maybe, just maybe she was right. "How could you ever think that you had to protect all of us?"

I knew why. I'd screwed up once, and that had led to so many people getting hurt that I went out of my way to make sure it never happened again. And I wasn't ready to forgive myself just yet. I swallowed.

"I don't think I'm ready to talk about that yet." Cassie nodded.

"If you're ever ready … " I nodded. Cassie took in my appearance again. "Hey, let's get you cleaned up. That's enough serious talk for right now."

I nodded, got up and went to my bathroom. Cassie followed and leaned against the doorframe while I washed my face. "Hey, why don't we go to the mall? Shopping always gives you a nice happy glow. And I'm guessing you haven't eaten in a while." For the first time in days, I almost smiled.

"You must really be sorry if you're offering going shopping with me." Cassie smiled.

"Well, since you oh so subtly coerced Jake into asking me to the dance, I guess I need a dress." Ouch. The dance. I guess I'd gotten out of going anyway. "Do you already have yours?" I didn't look at her while I attempted to brush out the knots in my hair. "Rachel?"

"Um … I don't think I'm going to the dance." Cassie looked surprised.

"Even after Tobias asked you? You should go Rachel, it would be good for you." I was going to have to tell her.

"Tobias and I are sort of … not together anymore." Cassie eyes nearly popped out of her head.

"You're not serious?" I nodded. "But … what? When?" I shook my head.

"It's not important right now. We'll survive." Cassie let it go. "Hey I think I'll get my hair cut at the mall. It's way too long." Cassie nodded.

I did get my hair cut. Nice and short, lots of layers. It felt free. Although shopping wasn't as wonderful as it normally was, I was beginning to feel a glimmer of hope. We stopped in the food court to get lunch. We still needed to get Cassie a dress, but I think she was avoiding it. Of course lunch brought up other conversations.

"So what happened with you and Tobias?" I sighed and put down my fork.

"You saw his reaction after the battle. I'm not his Rachel anymore." I shrugged. "He couldn't keep pretending I was."

"Rachel …"

"It's okay." It was still a lie. Cassie grabbed my hands and looked me in the eye.

"No, it isn't. You love him Rachel. Don't tell me you don't." She let go of my hands and sat back. "This has to be tearing you apart." I let out a long breath, tears welling up in my eyes. I nodded. "You have to tell him Rachel. This isn't really the way he thinks it is. It isn't the way any of us thought it was." She looked me in the eye again. "Stop protecting him Rachel, he doesn't need to be protected from you." But I shook my head.

"I don't think it works like that. He doesn't see things as well as you do Cassie. I fooled him this time. And I'm not sure how to show him otherwise." Cassie looked at me for a moment, considering.

"Tell him why." I looked at her, questioning. "I know you said you're not ready to tell me yet, but don't you think that maybe you could tell him?" I was silent for a moment thinking. Could I? I had never told anyone, outside of those who already knew. That was a different world for me. I wasn't sure I could bring it into this one.

"Maybe."

As predicted, Cassie said we didn't have to go dress shopping. She said she didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

"I'll get one on my own. Or I'll just wear one of my old ones or something." At this I actually did smile.

"Cassie. I can count on one hand the number of 'old ones' you have, most of which were bought for dances, so Jake's already seen them. And I shudder to think of the dress you pick on you own. You don't even know which store to go to to get one." Cassie blushed; it was true after all. She opened her mouth to further protest, but I interrupted. "Let me do this Cassie. I can do this. I like doing this." Cassie gave in.

It was still a couple of hours before we found the right dress, and accessories. We were at the third and final store when Cassie suggested I get a dress 'just in case'.

"You never know. The dance is on Friday, it's only Wednesday now."

"I really don't think it's going to happen, Cassie." She gave me a pleading look.

"You could always just come on your own. I know it's not the same thing, but come on. Who's going to force me and Jake to dance together when we're awkwardly standing on the sidelines?" It was true, that was normally my job. I told myself I'd need a dress sometime in the future, and mostly to please Cassie, I bought a dress.

We passed Jake when we were leaving the mall. He glanced at me, but didn't make eye contact. I told Cassie to go talk to him, I'd get home okay, besides, I had some thinking to do. I looked back and saw them talking in hushed voices, and I knew she was telling him.

I walked home, and hung my dress in the closet. Then I lay on my bed and wondered if I should take Cassie's advice. If I could really tell him.


Jake

I was surprised to see Cassie with Rachel. We had all sort of been ignoring Rachel since the last battle, Cassie included. Yet here they were going shopping together. I didn't make eye contact with Rachel. I still could not face what she had done. Cassie came over to talk to me when Rachel left.

"Hi Jake."

"Hey. Um …" I wasn't sure how to ask what I wanted to ask, but of course, Cassie knew.

"What am I doing with Rachel?" I nodded. She sighed. "We need to talk Jake. We started walking, nowhere in particular. "Rachel's … she's been in a bad way." She sighed again. I could tell this was difficult for her to say. "Jake … I know you were the one to try to stop her, but … that was a reflex. What she did … it had to be done."

Whoa. I was surprised to be hearing this, from Cassie of all people. Although I had been thinking much along the same lines the past days, Cassie was the last person I expected to agree with me.

"It's not that I condone what she did Jake, it's just … she was trying to protect us. It had to be done, in the end. If not her than one of us. She tried to save us from that. She's always tried to save us from that." And with that last sentence I started to realize that Cassie was getting at more than just the last battle.

Cassie continued to explain. She told me what Marco told her, about Rachel's visit, about what he had realized. She told me that she had already known. She explained how they had ended up here, what she had found when she went to Rachel's that morning.

And I finally began to realize that there was so much more to Rachel than even we realized. And I hated myself for it. Rachel was the one we sent to do our dirty work. The one I sent to do the dirty work. I had known what she would do. David had proved that. I just never accepted, maybe even denied, what it would do to her.

"There is no fault here Jake." I looked down at Cassie. Somehow, she always knew what I was thinking. "You can't blame yourself. All of us knew, somehow, or at least doubted sometimes. We reacted exactly how Rachel planned for us to. She did the dirty work. Our consciences weren't as guilty." I nodded.

"Whatever happened to us Cassie? Whatever happened to all of us?"