Chapter Eight
Roger is a Barbie Girl

"That stupid Prince Jonathan doesn't like me anymore," complained Delia, who had come to visit Roger in his rooms. She looked Roger over, impressed with his sense of style, and purred, "But who needs Jonathan? You'll make a fine replacement."

Roger waved an impatient hand at her. "Delia, would you do me a favor and quit trying to sleep with me? It ain't happening, sister. Not while you're in that outfit."

"What's wrong with my outfit?" Delia cried.

"Oh please. You're wearing green. That color is o-u-t out this season! And that hair ribbon doesn't even go with your dress. Don't you know how to color coordinate?"

"Oh yeah?" said Delia. "Well just wait until I get on Tortall's Next Top Model! Then we'll see who's the most stylish." Furious, she stopped out of the room muttering abuse at Roger.

Alex, who had been lurking around mysteriously, drifted out of the shadows. "You really don't think Tortall's Next Top Model will let her in, do you?" he asked worriedly.

"Nonsense," said Roger, chuckling. "That girl will be a laughingstock!"


Alanna's eighteenth birthday arrived, thus enabling her to do many delightful things that she couldn't do previously. "Oh boy!" cried Gary. "Now we can take you to the strip club! And you can buy cigarettes for our underage squires!"

"Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go!" Myles sang drunkenly. He put a six-pack of beer into Alanna's hands. "Happy legality, lad!"

"Myles, you give me beer every year!" Alanna yelled.

"Here's your first Playboy magazine, Alan," said Raoul, handing it to her.

"And your first volume of Convent Girls Gone Wild!" Alex added.

"You know those commercials that say you have to be eighteen or older to call?" said Alanna. "Now I can finally call and buy a bunch of useless crap!"

Jon coughed and nudged Alanna. "I think there's something you need to tell Gary."

"Oh yes, that's right. I really hate to tell you, Gary, but… well… you're adopted!"

"No, not that!" Jon hissed.

"Sorry!" said Alanna. "Gary, I've been meaning to tell you something. You really need to lose some weight, buddy. Why don't you lay off the Taco Bell for a while?"

"That's not it either, Alan!"

"Hey Gary? That haircut makes you look like a total fruitcake. I know, I know. Sometimes the truth hurts."

"Alan, you either get it right or you're sleeping on the couch!"

Alanna glared at Jon. "Fine then. Come on, Gary, let's have a private talk." She led a very confused Gary away from the others. "At last I must reveal my deepest, darkest secret. I'm really a girl!"

Gary blinked. "Alan, I've always known you're small down there, but you don't have to go that far with the excuses."

"I'm telling the truth, you fool! I'm a girl disguised as a boy!"

"Oh yeah?" Gary taunted. "Well where are your boobies?"

"They're hiding."

"Show them to me. I won't believe it until I see it."

Alanna turned red with manly rage. "You've got to be kidding me. I'm not showing you anything!"

"Why not?"

"You know, I've never seen Gary Jr. That must mean it doesn't exist."

An uncomfortable silence ensued. "You've got a point," Gary admitted. "But can I have just a peek? Pretty please? I'd like to have some solid proof!"

"Oh, all right." Alanna let him have the tiniest, fastest peek.

"I can't believe it's not butter!" Gary cried.

Alanna stared at him. "Okay. I'm going to pretend you didn't just make that random outburst."

When it was time for Alanna's ordeal of knighthood, she had to take a bath while Jon and Gary sat outside and pretended not to peek at her. "So the melons are real!" Gary whispered in awe. "They're delicious!"

"Gary, I heard you!" Alanna roared angrily.

"What? I'm just talking about these watermelons!" Gary held up a tasty melon slice.

"Get a load of those hooters," Jon hissed in Gary's ear five minutes later. "Aren't they huge?"

"Jon!" Alanna bellowed viciously. "I heard that!"

"I was showing Gary the big owls that are outside! Quit jumping to conclusions!"

Gary nudged Jon. "Check out that rack. Impressive, eh?"

"GARY!" Alanna screamed.

"I'm talking about the deer that's standing outside the window!"

"Mithros, is she stacked or what?" hissed Jon. "I ought to grab me some of those!"

"Enough already!" Alanna hollered.

"Geez, it's only a servant woman carrying a huge stack of books! I should help her when this is over."

Alanna finally finished her manly bath and quickly threw her clothes on before two pairs of eyes could stare at her. "All right, you sissies! Instruct me in the knight's code so I can be the manliest man of them all!"

"Macho macho man!" Jon and Gary sang together. "You've got to be a macho man!"

"Is that all?"

Gary shrugged. "Yeah, pretty much. You also have to help little old ladies cross the street, but that's not important. Now get your gender-confused booty into that chamber, girlfriend!"

Alanna hustled into the Chamber like a good little he-she and waited for her Ordeal. Suddenly she saw Roger parading around with the most stylish, totally trendy crown upon his fashionable head. "As king of Tortall, I dictate your fashion!" he said fabulously. "If you're not totally hip, you'll be executed!"

"Isn't there more to life than fashion?" asked Alanna.

"Of course not, sister!" huffed Roger. "Where on earth did you get those clothes? I'll have none of that in my fab kingdom!"

Before Alanna could go bezerk and kick some male diva ass, the vision faded and her Ordeal ended. "Thank goodness that's over with. Now I demand a pizza party to celebrate my heroics!"

Alanna was knighted like a true manly man and everyone celebrated. Thom, who had just arrived at the palace, glared at everyone as he stalked over to his sister and thrust something into her arms. "Here, I sewed you a new outfit. Every stitch was made to perfection, so you'd better appreciate it."

"Dear Mithros, every stitch is made to perfection," said Roger, seething with jealousy as he studied Alanna's new outfit. "That young Thom is more dangerous than I thought!"

Thom smirked at Roger. "I knitted my first scarf when I was two and a half years old."

"No!" Roger gasped in horror.

Bored with this diva battle, Alanna left Thom to harass the king of fashion and snuck off to Roger's room when no one was looking. "I've always wanted to know what kind of shampoo Roger uses," said Alanna. "I bet he's a giant hypocrite and buys it from the dollar store."

"Roger's an even bigger sissy than I thought," Faithful remarked. "Look at those Barbie dolls over there!"

"He and Thom have something in common," said Alanna, laughing as she looked at the Barbies. "This is positively gold. I've got to show the whole palace so they can laugh at Roger!" She scooped up all the Barbie dolls and ran back to the party. "Newsflash, everyone! Roger plays with dolls!"

"Oh, don't go there, girlfriend!" tutted Roger. "That's simply preposterous!"

"Oh yeah? Then why did I find these in your room?" Alanna held up the Barbies for all to see.

Roger waved his fabulous hand at her impatiently. "Whatever. You're just trying to frame me because you're jealous of my hip style!"

"Yeah right, you wuss! They were in your room!"

"It's true!" cried Delia, pointing angrily at Roger. "I saw the dolls in his room with my own eyes!"

The king chortled with glee. "I always knew Roger would turn out like this. Remember how he used to try on the queen's dresses when he was little?"

Roger turned red with stylish rage. "That's it, Alan. You're going down!" He slashed at Alanna's clothes, revealing her girly chest.

"Holy crap!" said Delia. "His man boobs are gigantic!"

"They're even bigger than mine!" cried Raoul.

"Alan, have you ever considered reduction surgery?" asked the king. "Those things could put someone's eye out!"

"I can't wait to taste those sweet coconuts," said Jon dreamily.

Alanna smacked him. "How dare you!"

"What? Gary's got two coconuts in his hands!" Jon pointed to Gary, who indeed carried coconuts.

"Ahem!" said Roger stylishly. "What about my epic duel with the large breasted lad?"

To make a long story short, Alanna ripped up Roger's pretty clothes and killed the fabulous duke. "Well, my work here is done," she said. "By the way, I'm actually a girl! Fooled you all, suckers!"

"FRANCIS!" wailed Raoul. "I never said you could be fooled by Alan's disguise! I'm disappointed in you, young man!"