Chapter Eight.
Talking?
Harry was lying in the hospital wing. It was time for the second class of the day, only a few hours after he had collapsed in the bathroom. He had only woken up ten minutes earlier to discover that his best friend Ron was there. He had a class off and decided to see if Harry was awake. Ginny and Hermione were each in a class.
"So Harry," Ron began, eager to get his friend to talk. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine."
"Ok, um. Can I get you anything?"
"No thanks."
"How long are you going to be in here?"
"I don't know."
"Did you want me to go speak with madam Pomphrey?"
"If you want to."
Ron sat still, unsure about what to do next. He was worried about his friend. Harry seemed so distant and different. He was thoroughly depressed and had even taken to cutting himself. How Ron could have missed that was beyond him. He was supposed to be there for Harry, yet he wasn't. He had never felt guiltier.
"Ron. Can you do me a favour?"
"Yeah sure."
"Well I'll probably be in here till tonight at the earliest and that's quite a long time. So could you please get me some parchment, ink and a quill so I can do my defence essay?"
"Yup. I'll go get it now."
"Thanks. I appreciate it."
Ron left the hospital wing and started wandering quickly through the corridors. He was so worried about his friend. He never thought that he'd know anyone who'd want to take his or her own life, but Harry had proved this thought wrong. He will never forget walking into that room finding Harry standing there, his pyjamas soaked in his own blood. He had never seen his friend look so vulnerable and it scared him.
He entered the empty Gryffindor common room and silently trudged up the stairs. When he entered the dormitory he was surprised to find Seamus there.
"Hey Seamus. You have this class off too?"
"Well obviously. I spent last class with you remember?"
"Yeah. Sorry. Im just really worried about Harry."
"Yeah we all are."
Ron walked over to Harry's desk and opened his top draw. He pulled out a quill and some blank parchment.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting some things for Harry. He's bored."
Ron pulled out the last thing he needed, a bottle of ink. He was about to shut the draw when his eyes flickered to some parchment covered in Harry's writing. It seemed to be a letter.
"Strange." Ron muttered pulling it out.
"What's strange?" Seamus asked Ron.
Upon receiving no answer Seamus sat up to look at Ron. Ron had gone extremely pale.
"Ron?"
The bottle of ink Ron was holding fell to the floor. It seemed to take an eternity to fall. Hitting the floor with a crash, it spilled deep blue ink across the carpet.
Seamus stared wordlessly at Ron's retreating back as he exited the room.
Ron walked through the halls of Hogwarts, his eyes never leaving the letter in front of him.
Harry's eyes never left the ceiling the whole time Ron was gone. He had so many feelings running through his heart that he didn't know which one to focus on.
He didn't know what had corrupted him to finally take that final step and attempt suicide. He thought that he'd never go that far. But here he is, lying in the hospital wing, his wrists throbbing uncomfortably.
"What the fuck is this?" Ron yelled running into the hospital wing.
Harry shrank back. He'd never seen Ron so angry before. Not only were his ears bright red, but his face was too.
Harry's eyes widened as he recognised what Ron was waving around.
"Ron give it to me." Harry sat up straight.
"I've read the entire thing Harry. Why didn't you tell us?"
"What part?"
"Everything. The prophecy, the cruciatus curse, the neglect that you have obviously lived with at the Dursleys, your feelings for my sister. Everything."
Harry turned away from Ron. His eyes filling with tears.
"Harry."
"No. Ok. You wouldn't have understood. Nobody does."
"Harry make me understand."
"You cant." Harry yelled, turning back to Ron. "You cannot understand me Ron because you are not me."
Ron stared at his friend. Harry had tears streaming down his face and he wanted nothing more then to stop them.
"Nobody can possibly understand what goes through my head Ron."
"I think our entire dorm knows."
"Ron even if you showed them that letter, that doesn't have everything in it."
"No that's not what I was referring to."
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Um, you know when you were in the bathroom? Well why'd you smash the mirror?"
"Because I hated what I saw, I hate myself Ron."
"It wasn't because you were hearing anything was it?"
"What like talking to my own reflection?"
"Yeah."
"Well wouldn't that be stupid Ron."
"It's true though isn't it? You heard things didn't you?"
"No, why would I?
"Just admit it."
"Yes ok I did. What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Harry yelled in frustration.
"Well, it wasn't your reflection talking Harry. You were sort of having a conversation with yourself."
"What?" Harry sat up straighter.
"Yeah. You were yelling. It sounded like you were talking to someone else because you were saying stuff like 'you're to blame for Sirius' death.'"
Harry bit his lip and turned to look out the window again.
"So I take it you didn't know that was happening?"
"Come on Ron, how sane is it to talk to yourself?"
"Harry I-"
"You know what Ron, just piss off. I don't want to talk to anyone at the moment I just need to think. Ok?"
"Fine." Ron snapped.
Ron stomped out into the hall. As soon as he left Harry's sight he took off at a run. He ran past teachers and students, caretakers and ghosts. He never stopped, not even when he heard someone call his name, till he arrived at the top of the astronomy tower. He desperately needed to be alone. He couldn't even contemplate how much he needed Harry to be happy and healthy. At the moment Harry was neither, and it scared Ron.
Harry still wasn't eating properly and the fact that he was in the hospital wing on a suicide attempt clearly stated that he wasn't happy.
Ron sighed as he took a seat on the edge of the astronomy tower. He looked over the grounds, his heart painfully beating in his chest every time he thought of Harry.
Hermione stepped out of the Arithmancy class when Ron ran past her.
"Ron" she called expecting him to stop. He didn't. Hermione frowned then looked at her watch. She set off at a quick pace in the direction Ron was heading.
She had to admit that she was very concerned about both her male friends.
Sure she had said earlier in the term that she was concerned Harry might try to kill himself but she never truly felt that he would try it.
Hermione shuddered as she remembered pulling Harry's blood soaked pyjamas up his arm and revealing the fresh and old wounds. She would never be able to forget that.
'He must have been doing this since we returned here' she thought.
She sighed as she began the trek up the astronomy tower stairs.
Ron wasn't always a predictable person, but after five years of friendship people begin to know each other. Or so she thought.
Hermione stepped up the last and took a look around. Ron was sitting on the far side of the tower. His shoulders were hunched over and he was examining a piece of parchment.
Hermione walked slowly across to him. She sat down beside him and wrapped one arm around his shoulder. Ron looked up into her face and smiled softly before leaning into an embrace.
"You should read this." Ron stated, handing Hermione the parchment.
"What is it?"
"Harry's suicide letter."
Hermione shakily took the letter out of Ron's own shaking hand.
As she quickly read the letter her face paled and her eyes widened.
When she was done she quietly placed it down.
Ron looked up into her tear filled eyes and with his thumb brushed some tears from her cheeks.
"You know after what you said he was yelling at himself, and after reading this I think I can understand why he did it."
"I don't think we even have all the details anyway."
"Oh Merlin. Did you owl your mother and let her know?"
"Yeah, I'm still a bit concerned how they will react though."
"Hey Mum you've got an owl." Fred called out from the burrow's kitchen.
Molly bustled into the kitchen, her wand in one hand, a green speckled frog in the other. She smiled when she saw Pig flying around.
"It must be from Ron." She murmured, "Or Ginny."
Molly took the letter from the over enthusiastic owl. As she read through the letter her face paled. She looked up at the two boys, her eyes filled with tears.
She slammed the letter down on the table and disappeared from the kitchen with a pop.
Fred and George glanced at each other.
"George what do you think happened?"
"Im not sure. Read the letter."
"You read it."
"No you read it."
"You read it."
"Fred just read the damn letter."
"No, you read it."
"Fine." George crossed the kitchen and snatched the letter from the table. He looked up at his twin.
"Well?"
"Its, um. About Harry."
"And?"
"He's in the hospital wing."
"Oh another quidditch match?"
"No. Fred he, uh, tried to kill himself."
"What? Let me see that." Fred crossed the room and snatched the letter from Georges grip.
They locked eyes again and disappeared together with identical cracks.
Molly Weasley stood outside the door of Headmaster Dumbledore's office. She knocked vigorously on the door. It swung open a moment later to show a very tired Albus Dumbledore.
He smiled warmly to Molly who glared viscously back.
"Hello Albus. We need to talk."
Albus nodded quickly and opened the door wider to admit the red haired women.
"Molly what can I do for you?"
"Sit. I have a lot to discuss with you."
Albus swallowed hard and sat down at Molly's request.
Fred and George stood outside of the hospital wing. Their hearts were beating quite hard in each of their chests. They weren't sure what state Harry would be in and wanted to try and cheer him up all the same.
"Ok, on three right?" Fred asked.
George nodded glumly.
"Smile George." Fred said, plastering a grin on his face.
George nodded again before placing a smile on his face.
They linked arms and happily bounded into the hospital wing. Harry was on the furthest bed; his skinny frame was hunched over. He looked up as the two entered. The bags under his eyes were darker then ever and when he smiled the smile didn't reach his eyes.
"Hey guys."
"Hiya Harry." They replied.
"What are you doing here?"
"Oh cant we come visit our favourite investor?" Fred asked, feigning hurt.
"That's all I am isn't it? An investor, a weapon, the bloody boy who lived. I know why you're here. Did Ron owl you?"
George shook his head. "Nope, he owled Mum. I thought she'd be here. She's probably talking to Dumbledore though."
Molly stood up from her chair. Her face was red with anger and her voice was sore from her yelling.
"Well I think I'll go visit him now. Please Albus. Tell him." With that Molly left the room. Closing the door with a soft thud as she exited.
"There are few things I fear in this world Fawkes. She is one of them."
"Fred and George Weasley, what in Merlins name are you doing here?" Molly bustled into the hospital wing.
Madam Pomphrey came running out of her office at the sound of Molly's yelling.
"Molly please keep it down."
"We were just visiting Harry Mum."
Molly rolled her eyes and took a seat right near Harry's head. Harry was avoiding her eyes.
"How are you dear?"
"Fine thanks."
"Anything I can do for you?"
"No thanks."
"How are things going?"
"Honestly?"
"Yes Harry, please be honest."
Harry turned and faced her with cold hard eyes.
"Crap ok. My life is bullshit."
"Harry don't use that language."
"I'll use whatever language I'll feel like using. Please cant you people just understand that I want to be left alone. I don't want to talk. Just leave me be." Harry voice rose throughout his speech.
Molly nodded. "Ok then dear." She stood up and started walking towards the door.
"Remember I am always here for you sweetheart." She said, turning back and facing Harry.
Harry nodded slightly.
"Cya Harry" the twins called as they exited the room.
They met with their mother in the foyer. She had tears streaming down her face.
"Poor child. He's been through so much."
"We know mum." George replied.
"Lets go home." Fred said as he started walking out onto the grounds.
The other two exchanged looks. George lent in and gave his mother a hug before running after Fred.
Molly sighed and with a slight smile walked after her twins.
