Disclaimer: My birthday came and went without Harry arriving on my doorstep so I don't own him…yet.
Author's Note: This got kind of neglected because I was busy dealing with plot bunnies for my other fic in progress… apologies.
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Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If It Kills Me~Jason Mraz
Yes, still 22nd June, 1995
Harry stalked the corridors of the empty castle, scaring off any hapless fellow student or ghost who happened to cross his path with a single glance.
It wasn't fair, he thought furiously. Sirius just fell through the veil and now…he's gone.
Hot tears welled up and he dabbed at them furiously with his sleeve. There were so many conflicting emotions swirling around his head: grief over Sirius, anger at the Ministry and the Death Eaters, guilt that he had indirectly caused his godfather's death…
The newly-discovered affection for a certain best friend of his.
Sudden warmth and light on his face surprised him. Harry found himself outside, standing by the lake. Walking over to the single gnarled oak which stood by the water and sitting down on the grass, he drew a knee to his forehead and lost himself in his thoughts.
He had spent most of the year raging at everyone, including himself and it was starting to grate on him. Betrayed as Harry was, his conscience was finally beginning to prickle.
You can't go on like this. Especially not to Hermione.
He let out a breath he did not realize he had been holding.
Hermione.
She was – still is – his best friend. No one else cared about him in the way she did. Sirius might have…but he was gone now. No one fussed over him, listened to him, nagged him like Hermione did.
She deserves better than this. The guilty little thought wormed its way into Harry's brain, intensifying the emotional burden already strapped to his shoulders.
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Hermione put her fork down with a clatter.
"I've had enough of this, I'm going to look for Harry," she announced.
Ron looked up from his fifth helping of blueberry cheesecake. "You seem awfully concerned about him recently," he remarked almost casually, shoveling another forkful into his mouth.
Hermione stared at him, astonishment on her face. "He's our best friend, Ronald. Why wouldn't I – or you, for that matter – be concerned about him?" she snapped.
"Oh, I know. It just seems that you're more concerned than usual. I was just saying," he interjected the last statement hastily as she narrowed her eyes.
Hermione bit her lip, unable to quell the rising whine of panic in her gut. Is it that obvious? Does Ron know?
"See you later."
She rose from the table and slipped out the doors.
Now the first hurdle was cleared, Hermione needed to find Harry. It was lucky that she knew him as well as she did. Hogwarts was a gigantic, sprawling castle with many passageways and rooms still unknown to even the Weasley twins and Filch.
But still…where could he have gone?
Lost in her thoughts, she did not notice the timid first-year who hovered nervously around.
"…Excuse me?"
Snapping back to reality, she gave the girl a friendly smile. "Hi. Yes?"
"You are…Hermione Granger, aren't you? Harry Potter's friend?"
Hermione felt the fleeting temptation to correct her. "Yes. Yes I am."
"Okay…if you're looking for him, he passed by not too long ago…he was heading for the lake." The girl squirmed shyly.
"Thanks," said Hermione warmly. Spinning on her heel, she headed for the main castle doors.
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"Hey."
Harry looked up from the dark, comforting warmth of his knees into the pair of soft brown eyes.
"Hermione?" He scooted over, giving her room to sit down next to him.
"How…how're you feeling?" He looked up curiously. She was looking anywhere but at him, wringing her hands in her lap nervously.
She was embarrassed!
"I've been better," he quipped wryly. Hermione made a small noise which sounded halfway between a giggle and a sob.
Harry sighed, mustering his Gryffindor courage. Twice his nerve failed him before he could force the words out. "Hermione…I've been thinking."
She looked up quizzically.
"I'm sorry."
The effect of those two words was electric. Hermione stiffened, becoming as rigid as a poker.
"For what, Harry?" Her voice was cool and toneless. Harry gulped inaudibly, wishing he had remained quiet.
"For…everything." He silently prayed she would understand. "For you having to be there for me all the time."
"Why?"
The question threw him off balance and he blinked. "I mean…you having to put up with my temper, my 'saving-people' thing and all," he faltered, seeing the tears that had welled up in her eyes.
Hermione stood up, willing herself not to cry until she had gotten away from him. "So you're sorry," she said flatly. "I'm sorry too. For thinking this could ever be possible."
Before she could turn to go, a hand caught her wrist.
"Hermione? What's wrong?" Harry's voice was soothing, melting the defensive wall she had put up around her heart.
"I can't do this!" she blurted out. Hurt flashed in Harry's face and she regretted being so blunt.
"I…I can't do this," Hermione repeated softly. "Not now. You're…just trying to cope with Sirius being gone. And I'm…I can't do something like this to you now. I should be helping you cope. You're my best friend."
Harry flinched as though she had just slapped him in the face. "Is that all I am?" he asked bitterly.
"Harry, you're in no position to be getting into a relationship now! You were upset about Sirius when you kissed me!" she shot back.
Harry's mouth opened and closed soundlessly as he tried to keep his rising temper in check. "Look, Hermione…" he began, running a hand through his already unruly hair. "I like you. This – us – has nothing to do with Sirius. Can you stop talking about him now?"
Hermione's eyes flashed dangerously. "Did you think it would be that easy, Harry? Tell a girl you like her and then have her fall into your arms?"
"That's not what I meant," he protested. "But last night, you said – "
"I was really confused! Out of the blue, you kissed me and you said you liked me! What am I supposed to think? What do you think I should say?"
Harry's mouth hardened. "I see. You were confused." He stepped back, his eyes flinty. "So I guess you're still confused."
Hermione bit her lip, fresh tears running down her cheeks.
"I'm going back in," said Harry coldly. "Let me know when you've sorted out your feelings."
She watched as he walked away from her again. Once he was completely gone from her vision, Hermione gave in to the tears, falling to her knees, body heaving with sobs.
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Harry marched up to the Astronomy Tower, the one place he was certain no one would stumble upon him there. Only one person would guess where he was, the person he was absolutely certain did not want to see him.
Once the heavy wooden door had been securely locked, Harry vented his fury, raining punches on the tables and stone walls. Although he had never used violence to express his pent-up emotions, the pain felt good.
With every punch, pain shot up his arms and Harry embraced it. Accepted it as his due punishment for his idiocy. Pain had never been a stranger in his life, thanks to the scar on his forehead, his link to Voldemort. Now more than ever, Harry willingly took it as penance for hurting the person closest to him.
He finally stopped when his muscles no longer obeyed him, letting his arms fall limply to his side. Harry's legs were the next to give way, and he slid bonelessly to the floor. He idly lifted one bruised hand and examined the tender flesh.
This is going to hurt like hell in the morning.
As far as he was concerned, his heart hurt far more than his hands ever would.
Author's Note: A healthy dose of teenage angst. Will update soon.
