To say that everyone was stunned was an understatement. One moment, they were all hyped up for the Chunnin exams, the next, this ninja team that consists of a sexy police Hyuuga, a smug looking Uchiha, and a even more smug looking blonde fox hybrid just strolled in, acting as if they own the place.

Oh wait, they do!

"What up, my bitches!" shouted Naruto, smirking at all the idiots in the room who looked pissed at his statement. Meh, not like they can do shit to him. He and his team are fuck-mothering badasses!

"The fuck you called us!?" shouted one of the foreign ninjas.

"Bitches, that's what I called you faggots," answered Naruto. Meanwhile, Sasuke and Hinata made their way toward their friends.

"Hey guys, how's it going?" asked the Uzumaki-Uchiha.

"Oh you know, just waiting around, hoping for this to be over with, still single. You?" said Ino.

"Same thing, and no, I'm not going on a date with you."

"Meh, at least I tried."

"Troublesome," said Shikamaru. "Tell me why am I here again?"

"Chunnin exams," said Choji, eating some chips. "That and your mom threaten you...again."

"Remind me to move out of the house when this is over."

"Okay," agreed Choji, who then turned toward team 8. "How you guys been?"

"Well, we were able to catch up from behind since Haku joined," said Kiba. Akamaru barked in agreement. Shino was about to nod until he sense something.

"I sense something," he said. "Something I haven't felt since..."

"Well, well, well. If it isn't my former team." said a haughty voice.

"Oh son of a bitch," muttered Kiba as the group turned and saw Sakura with two unknown ninjas wearing blank masks. "What the hell are you doing here Haruno? Last I remember, you were dropped from the shinobi program."

"Oh someone offer me a chance to join the program again," smirked Sakura.

"Bullshit. Everyone huddle," said Tenten. Team 7, 8, 9, and Gai huddle together to discuss. "Who wants to bet that some of the corrupted side of the civilian council is responsible?"

"It could also be Danzo," pointed Lee. "His unyouthful ways of attempting to make Naruto-kun's family into weapons could be part of it."

"What are you guys talking about?" spoke Naruto, who just appeared out of nowhere.

"Look over there," pointed Hinata. Naruto looked where his girlfriend pointed and growled.

"How the fuck is she here?"

"Well," explained Neji. "It could be either the corrupted civilian council or Danzo."

"Remind me to piss them off."

"Can you guys keep it down, you're causing a scene." Everyone turned to see a glass wearing, silver hair teen. "I would say you're angering some of the nins here, but the blond one already did that with his outburst."

"I regret nothing," smugly said Naruto. "So who are you?"

"Name's Kabuto Yakushi, and this is my seventh time taking the exam."

"Damn," whistled Kiba. "No offense, but you suck."

"True, but there is a plus to everything." Kabuto reached into his pocket and pulled out a stack of cards. "My time at these exams allowed me to gather information on almost anyone."

"Really?" said Sakura. "I want info on Naru-baka here, the red head with the gourd, the blonde woman from Kumo, and that green hair girl from Taki."

'That was awfully specific,' thought the teams.

"Okay, first, the red head," said Kabuto as he place chakra onto a card, revealing info. "Name is Sabaku No Gaara. Strength is apparently on his ninjutsu, weak on taijutsu. Seem to have attacks based on sand. It is said that he had been on a B-rank and came out without a scratch."

"Damn," went everyone.

'Thats Aunt Sunako (Shukaku)', thought Naruto.

"Blonde woman is Yugito Nii, shinobi of Kumo. Sorry to say, all I have is her name."

'Aunt Yumi (Matatabi). Hmm, I wonder if Uncle Raiden (Gyuki) is here.'

"The green hair girl is Fu, shinobi of Taki. For some reason, she resents her village."

'Aunt Cho (Chomei).'

"And finally, we have the man himself, Naruto. Hmm...interesting. It says here that he is known as the Maelstorm Fucker and if you wish to see more details, follow him at Twitter on MaelstormFuckr."

"Oh yeah, that's Naruto for ya!" laughed Kiba.

"Oi, Kabuto. Know anything about the guys with the sound symbol on their heads?" asked Sasuke, pointing at said team.

"Oh them. Don't worry, they're just minor shinobi." waved off Kabuto. Unfortunately for the glasses-wearing boy, the sound team heard him.

"Minor, he says?" growled Dosu. He turned to two of his teammates, Kin and Zaku. "Let's show him how minor we are."

His two teammates nodded in agreement and in mere moments, the trio were heading straight toward Kabuto. Zaku was the first one to reach them and jumped in order to strike. Unfortunately for him, Ino noticed him and delivered a punch to him. Unfortunately for Zaku, there was one teensy little problem...

Crack!

...Ino aimed a little down low.

"Sweet Kami!" squealed the sound nin with a very, very high pitch voice as he fell to the ground and clutched his injured balls. Every single male in the room winced and protectively covered their balls. They can only pity the sound who at the moment was praying for some kind of miracle.

"My dick!" squealed once again Zaku. "I never thought it'll be possible to feel this much pain by one punch!"

(Meanwhile)

Vegeta was training as usual against Kakarot until he stopped and looked over the horizon. Goku saw this and took initiative. "Hey best buddy! Whatcha looking at?"

"I sense something," answer Vegeta. "Someone out there had suffered. The kind that I too had suffered. The kind that causes us to be looked down in shame and to deal with it for the remainder of our lives. I don't know who this person is, but he has my condolences."

"Are you talking about the time Cooler and his clones punched you in the dick 100 times...from each clone?"

"I'MA FUCKING KILL YOU!" yelled Vegeta. Unfortunately for the (former) prince of all saiyans, Goku actually acted smart for once and disappeared via teleportation. "Son of a bitch! Damn Kakarot pissed me off so bad, I don't have anyone to release my anger on!"

"Hey Vegeta, how ya doing?" spoke Krillin, appearing out of nowhere.

"Congratulations, Nappa #2! You just won the lottery!"

"Wahoo! Um, so what do I win?"

"PAIN!"

"What are you-? Wait, what are you doing with your fiiiiisssssssssssssssstttttttttts- HOLY BLACK ON A POPO!"

Krillin Own Count: Higher than the number of filler episodes from every anime

(Back to the story)

"Seriously Ino? Was that really necessary?" scolded Haku. Ino turned and gave her a sheepish grin.

"Oi, I panicked and just gave a punch! How should I know I was about to bust his balls?"

"Just...don't do that again."

"No promises." Just as Ino finished speaking, doors from the opposite side of the room were smashed opened and revealed to be Ibiki.

"Alright you little fuckers, I want quiet over here! No fighting unless told so by the proctors. I don't want weak shinobi blood all over my nice classroom." he shouted to all in the room.

"Sorry, we were just excited about the exams," spoke Dosu.

"Really? You might want to explain that to your teammate on the ground, unless he wants to have his balls busted again," smirked Ibiki. Zaku paled and immediately got up from his spot.

"I'm okay!" he pleaded.

"Whatever. Everyone, get your asses in the classroom!" ordered the torture specialist. Everyone complied and enter the room he specified. Given that the room is in the academy, they all expected it to be a classroom. What they did not expect was being inside a dark room with some kind of symbol on the ground and someone across the-

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!" shouted one of the nins.

"Everyone," spoke Ibiki. "Normally I would have had you do a written test, but something tells me that at least half of you are dumber than what my friend here calls, 'Goku'. Instead, you'll be doing something similar to a survival test, with the survival rating of 1% with a 99% chance of pissing and shitting your pants at the same time, and that's me being assuring. If that happens, you'll have to do the second portion of the exam in the nude. Let me introduced you to my new friend and associate, Mr. Popo."

"Hello maggots," spoke Mr. Popo. "Before we get started, I will lay down the pecking order. There's you, the dirt, the worms inside the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, and Popo. Any questions?"

"Yeah, what the fuck does that have to do with-" The nin from a foreign village never finished his sentence as Mr. Popo covered the distance between him and the maggot and bitch-slapped the idiot out the classroom.

"As I said, any other questions," restated Mr. Popo. Nobody moved a muscle, not willing to risk a bitch slap. "Good, now to start your test. BYE!"

"Wait, wha-"

Fwoosh!

Before the maggot finished what he was about to say, everyone disappeared in a blinding pillar of light. Ibiki and Mr. Popo were left alone in the room.

"So," spoke Ibiki. "Wanna get smash and get some bitches?"

"Bitchin."

(Meanwhile, at an dislocated place)

"Is everyone okay?" shouted out Naruto. The entire team contestants had found themselves in some kind of territory that could be used in a post apocalypse movie or game or a...

"Where are we? New Orleans?" said one of the random maggots.

"WOAH!" yelled Team 7, 8, 9, and Gai all together. "Dude, too soon."

Meanwhile...

"Hey Russel," spoke a mysterious voice. "Check it out! More visitors!

"Let's kill 'em!"

"Ugh! Do not make me repeat myself. We're evil, I get it!"

Back to the group...

"Why do I have the distinct feeling we are so screwed in this place," spoke Neji.

Before anyone could answer that question, one random nin got grabbed by the legs and was dragged underground.

"HELP ME!"

"Do we have to?" whined Naruto, only to get whacked on the head by Hinata. "Fine."

Unfortunately, the random nin was already getting a beating of the lifetime. This includes gettings his arms broken...

"MY ARMS!"

...his legs twisted...

"MY LEGS!"

...his back busted, Dark Knight style...

"MY BACK!"

...and worst of all, getting visited by someone from the IRS.

"NOOOOOOOOO! I need one week more to file my taxes! Please spare me!"

Interestingly, the last one cause more damage than the others combined.

"Visited by the IRS," spoke Haku, shivering about being visited by those guys. "Good thing I already file my taxes and that my mom is technically still dead in legal terms."

"Amen," said everyone present.

"Oh kami," whined the nin. "I don't think it can get much worse!"

"HI."

"HELP ME!"

(2 hours later)

After shooting around 50 bottles of sake and being surround by nothing but hookers, Mr. Popo and Ibiki returned to the testing classroom. "Well, that was fun. Shame we have to end the test now."

"Meh, I do that every Tuesday." shrugged Mr. Popo. "POPO!" A blinding light appeared and what now stood in front of them was the chunnin participants. To say they were scuffled was an understatement. They look like as if they had been in every Michael Bay in existence... TWICE!

"Oh dear kami we're alive!" cried Ino.

"Never, had I ever experience such hell," spoke Neji, with horror written on his face.

"Everything I said about being the alpha in this exam, I take it all back!" muttered Kiba. "I just want to live through it."

"Congratulations, you have passed the first test. You must be happy," spoke Mr. Popo.

"I don't feel happy," said someone.

"But I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're going back," smiled Mr. Popo.

"What?" weakly said everyone.

"Bye!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" was the last the thing said from the class before returning to their hell.

"Just out of curiosity, where did you send them?" asked Ibiki. Mr. Popo looked at him and gave only one answer.

"I'll tell you where they're not... safe.

(Omake- A blast from the past)

Alucard was currently in bed with Kyushana after performing what Alucard would say, Le sexy times! "This is the life," grinned Alucard as if he had won the superbowl... or caused destruction.

"You said it," smiled Kyushana. A beeping noise was made from a small mobile device own by Alucard, which revealed to be a Android smart phone with 1000 terabytes of memory. Legend says that all of that 1000 terabytes of memory are filled with nothing but porn of all categories, but that was just a legend.

Only 999 terabytes are filled with porn. The remaining terabyte is filled with illegally downloaded movies.

Alucard picked up his phone and answered in a suave voice, "Hell-o."

"ALUCARD!"

Said vampire had to move his phone away from ear from the loud yell. Kyushana took notice and became concerned. "Who is it?"

Alucard sighed as he place his phone again, "My ex-boss figured out my cell number. I'm surprise it took her this long." he then spoke to the phone. "Hey, Integra! How you been?"

"Don't give me that crap! Where the hell have you been?!"

"Oh, I was in Japan."

"Japan?! I thought you were in Brazil!"

"I was, but that was after I hit the jackpot in the casinos so many times I got the Crist Redeemer as a prize."

"I'm...not going to ask about that. Anyways, why haven't you reported back in?"

"I was on a short break."

"...for twenty years?"

"Yeah."

"What could be so important that you have to skip out on work?"

"I'm enjoying family time here." There was silence at the other end for a moment.

"What."

"Yeah, I posted it on Twitter. I have a fox demon with the biggest tits you'll ever see as my wife, my adorable little hell spawn that is my daughter, who is married to a man and a woman, and not to mention her little hell spawn that is my grandson who is my very liking when it comes to being an asshole against dumbasses. How does that sound?"

"...why am I not surprise you'll find a woman with big breasts to be your wife."

"Speaking of big tits, how's the police girl doing?"

"She's fine, although she is getting floored from going killing zombies because someone didn't reported in!"

"Couldn't you have the frenchie do it? Or even Walter?"

"You're serious, right? Pip died protecting the manor while Walter died in the zeppelin. Did you also forgot that Walter also turns out to be a agent for Millennium?"

"Oh, I knew that from the beginning since I knew him. I didn't kill him because he understands me."

"Oh fuck you."

"Speaking of which, how is your sexual relationship with the police girl. Fondling those tits of hers?"

"What the-? I do not have sexual relations with Seras!"

"So that time with her sucking your blood?"

"I only did it to suppress her violent side."

"What about the second time...in your lingerie?"

"SHUT UP AND GO TO HELL!" Click.

Alucard could only smirked as his ex boss hanged up. "Heh, I knew it."


Integra could only rubbed her temples as she tried to process all the information. For twenty, Alucard had been in Japan this whole time and was not in England nor Brazil. To think, she was looking for the bastard vampire in the wrong places this whole time! She needed a drink.

At the moment, a certain big titted police girl entered the scene. "Sir Integra? Is something wrong?

"Yes, I found Alucard." answered her boss/lover. "It turns out he was in Japan with his family."

If Seras was drinking anything she would have did a spit take. "Wait, master is with his what?"

"A wife, his daughter, and also a grandson who is sadly just like him."

"Ooh, two masters, that doesn't sound good." winced Seras. Integra only nodded in agreement.

"Yeah I know. As if one wasn't bad enough, now we have to deal with two." The two were silent for moment until Seras broke it.

"So what now?" Integra thought for a moment before giving an answer.

"Pack your bags Seras, we're going on a little trip to Japan."