Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.

Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please comment, it would mean a lot to me (Also: this note right here disclaims the erotica found within, I never censure myself when I am writing ...enough said).

Chapter 4 – Easy Silence – Derek Shepherd

The atmosphere at Joe's was as expected for a weekday at 8:00 PM – fairly quiet, even, predictable – and hell, Derek needed predictable at the moment. He sat now, swirling his second glass of scotch in his hand, trying to avoid the overwhelming sense of déjà vu that had been gnawing at him ever since he sat down in the back of the bar. The feeling consumed him more and more with each passing tick of the clock. The bell over the door rang out; and like Pavlov's dog, Derek shifted his eyes in that direction, only to be burned with disappointment. He shook his head at his foolishness and took another sip of the harsh, unforgiving liquid.

He shifted uneasily in his seat now, suddenly hotter than hell as he contemplated all that he had done to arrive back at the beginning … the beginning of the end of his new beginning! So, this was it then? He was consumed with pain and heartache, his chest tightened and he felt his blood pressure rising. Derek marveled at his own foolishness, his ulcer rubbing in his stomach as he did. He thought finding out that Meredith had left town was – ground zero – but he was sorely mistaken, because after his conversation with Addison this afternoon he was a miserable wreck and sure to be one or more sublevels below that marker. Damn her, damn Mark, was all he could think. His blood seethed inside his veins just thinking about it now, and the worst part was – far worse than Addison's second knife to the heart – worse than that was knowing that Meredith would not come through the door at Joe's tonight and save him once again.

And with half of his heart, he wished that she would – walk through that door, with that faint glow of a halo around her head – and save him, like no time had passed. He needed saving right about now, he really did and he had no one to help him this time … no one to distract him! So now it was no surprise that the perfect storm was upon him, for all of the elements were finally present – rage, detachment, power, uncertainty, destruction – with one fluid motion he was sucked under with no hope for escape! He was slipping away into the vast sea of deceit, the undertow was too strong for him, the images in his head snapped around – taunting him, daring him – forcing his mind to see what he had so desperately tried to avoid for months now.

Addison impaled on Mark's cock, facing their bedroom door – her glistening body collapsed against his, post-coital haze etched in her typically strong facial features, somehow softening them, bringing out her more vulnerable, beautiful side – her fingers around his skull, submersed within his hair, her lips pressing tender kisses to his forehead – her alabaster skin, red, heated with passion – her heavily hooded eyes – her undying praise to her lover in the marital bed she happened to share with his best and oldest friend.

Mark's large hands on Addison's hips – holding her down as she grinded onto him with all her might, his commands for her to – 'be still, hold him inside, keep him … love him' – his savage mouth on her neck, his hands deep in her wild hair, his tongue darting out to capture her rosy taut nipples, the bite of his teeth around them – his growl of ownership, the deep penetration of his cock into his best and oldest friend's wife.

Derek fought the urge to throw up now, much like he had done since Addison had cleansed her conscience earlier – but it was no use, bile and scotch rose up anyway – threatening to succumb to the force of the storm within him. He closed his eyes and let the images come again – for he could have been back in that doorway in that fucking brownstone she was so ready to fight him for – he could have been there it was so damn real! He swallowed hard as tears pricked his eyes and he tried his best to regain his composure.

He swiped his glass from the table and downed the last drop of his sin – still me, sear me, drown me once again – he silently wept inside. He was on the verge of losing it, rage and sorrow and pain attached to him like an iron anchor now as he felt himself slipping into the undertow of deceit – lower, lower, lower – into himself. All was quiet now and the sounds of the bar faded into the atmosphere almost like he wasn't there at all.

Except he was there and he was alone with no place to hide. And Meredith wasn't coming this time so he let himself go – go back to the moment in time he wished he never had –back to a time when he was just some guy who had wronged his wife by ignoring her and by falling deeply in love with another, so deeply in love that he couldn't give his first love a second chance. Yes, he wanted to go back … he wanted to forget that he could have been with Meredith this whole time had he not given in to the charade of his faith in his marriage. He wanted to go back, take me back; save me … I have nothing left, he silently wept inside. But it was use, for Derek was a glutton for punishment these days.

***

"It wasn't a one night stand," Addison confessed desperately.

He felt the first illegal jab of the fight – no time to duck – he was bewildered at best.

"Mark wasn't a one night stand," she continued her rambling confession.

He tried to steady himself against her second attack – but it was no use – his head spun around on his neck.

"I was in love with him," she stated without remorse, it was a point of fact.

He sucked a deep breath in, finally in the fight, but with searing energy and pent-up anger she delivered the – one, two punch – leading with her strong arm and a very heavy heart.

"After you left, we lived together for two months," she said quickly, as if someone had a noose around her neck.

Pain ripped through his body as she struck him square on the face in a boldly illegal move – one that went for and delivered the knock out of the champion – bile rose in his throat, as his whole body spun around and around before landing on the canvas mat.

"We're both equally liable," she stated evenly.

But her last words fell on deaf ears as the world went to black all around the old champion and the referee began to count backwards from ten.

***

The bell over the door chimed and Derek was pulled from his nightmare of deceit, he glanced in that direction again, and his heart fell when he saw Cristina Yang walk through the door. He turned away from her and made eye contact with Joe, nodding to him that yes indeed he wanted another drink. He closed his eyes for a split second and let Meredith, his vision of her, his answer for all that wrong in his life, overcome him – it was indulgent, yes, he knew that – but he so desperately needed her, just the aura of her … their fishing line to tether him in the storm. He shouldn't think that way; he knew that much was true; for he had to fight this storm alone. He knew his only hope was to save himself now … and with that he opened his eyes only to find Cristina walking towards him holding a glass tumbler in her hands.

"This is for you," she said, offering Derek a glass of amber liquid, presumably his poison of choice.

He caught her angry, tired eyes with his and held her there – suspended in time for a brief millisecond – and as she came to stand in front of him he realized she too looked defeated, perhaps beleaguered by her anger at him for making her friend go away. She looked an awful lot like he felt … her dark eyes matching the lush black color of her cashmere sweater. He sat up a little straighter, still unable to look away, still scrutinizing her – she looked worn, tired and he wanted to ask her why – for something told him it couldn't be just Meredith's departure. He pressed his lips together, but she spoke first instead.

"It's not poisoned you know," she said, her voice monotone. "It's from Joe," she added – the fight returning to her eyes – there were daggers now in those same sad eyes, halting any need Derek felt to make his inquiry.

"Thank you," he muttered. She slid the glass onto the table in front of him and crossed her arms around herself in defense.

"You should get out of here," she cautioned, turning away slightly as if to dismiss him – a thin layer of disdain within her voice – as if to say, 'this is all your fault'.

"Why? So I can drink in isolation somewhere else?" he asked evenly, not really caring for her answer.

She turned back to him – that familiar defensive gleam in her eyes once again – as he surveyed her, waiting for her wrath now, for he would take anything to distract him from the real storm raging in his heart.

"I didn't mean hereyou could drink yourself into the ground for all I care – I meant out of town," she said sardonically.

"Hmm, to clear my head, take some space," Derek said softly, already far, far away.

"Something like that," she said looking at him for more, like she wanted to get something from him – perhaps answers for his actions – but sadly they both knew he didn't have anything to offer. He caught her eyes with his for a beat and then something occurred to him.

"Is that what Meredith's doing?" he asked, his heartbeat came to life, his voice cracking on his small revelation – he felt a glimmer of hope – some kind of solace in knowing that Meredith didn't plan to leave forever.

"Something like that," she repeated hesitantly, shifting on her feet, her small dark eyes never leaving his.

"You won't give her up will you?" Derek asked with full knowledge of her answer, but knowing he had to ask anyway.

"No. Never," she said strongly, but then added. "Not until she tells me to anyway, I won't."

Derek sucked a deep breath in; he felt a flutter of relief consume him. "So there's still a chance …," he asked, his voice trailing off.

For me to make this right, he finished his question silently with his eyes.

Cristina nodded – yes – she agreed, there was still a chance.

Derek's eyes pricked with tears and he felt his face soften on the possibility of this unforeseen gift. His heart rate slowed down to a more regular rate for the first time all day. Cristina made to leave him again and he watched her retreating form, focusing on her for a moment – secretly thankful she hadn't gone all balls out on him – for he wasn't sure how much more he could take for the day. He took the glass of scotch in his hand and looked up to find that Cristina had walked back to her same spot.

"Do you miss her?" she sparred abruptly into the space between them.

"Yes," Derek answered truthfully, her eyes darted around his for a beat.

"Do you regret what you've done … how you've loved her?" she asked the hard question. She shifted on her feet; her sarcasm did not go unnoticed. Again, she seemed ramped up about something else but Derek had no way to figure out what was really on her mind. She was clearly teetering on the edge of something … something big.

Oh, Meredith, where are you when I need you … she needs you too, he rambled silently.

"With everything I have in me," Derek answered.

"What about her do you miss?" she asked; Derek couldn't help but wonder if this would get back to Meredith, he smiled inside.

"Just her," he sighed, his heart ached in his chest for Meredith now. "Our connection, our consumption," he added wistfully, our insane energy, he thought to himself … ah, just us, he rambled on silently. "Just everything," he finally concluded.

"Me too," Cristina said, staring at him for a beat … Derek smiled tightly. For once they agreed upon something.

With that, Cristina turned away from him and headed back to the bar. Derek took a token sip of the scotch and then stood. He nodded at Joe as he pulled his coat on, grabbed his bag, and without thinking he exited the bar, the bell chimed announcing his departure as he stepped through the threshold and out into the bitter cold Seattle night.

***

A good hour later Derek slipped into the cool, lonely sheets of his bed with only one person on his mind. He still felt the pain from the day, even the scalding hot water from his shower did not dull the ache radiating from his angry muscles. The debris was washed away, but the painful scars of uncertainty and loneliness remained. Nights alone were still the worst, and they had been for some time now. He rolled onto his back and stared up and out of the skylight above him, like he had done countless times, even while he was trying to make his marriage work. Derek pressed his lips together, sighing into the empty space all around him – he always thought of Meredith before he went to sleep, he just couldn't stop his mind from taking him to her – she lulled him like no one else could.

All he had to do was push himself into the mattress and he would be whisked away by the wild sea of her green eyes and that was it … all the pressures and pain and heartache from the day melted away and it was just him and her in an alternate universe that existed only in his mind's eye. He sighed now and rolled over, hugging his pillow under his head and crook of his neck.

He said a small prayer for Meredith wishing for her to find what she was looking for – happiness, space, a new beginning – whatever it was, he wanted it for her. And then he said another prayer (this one selfish in content) for Meredith to come for him and take him away to that place – that magical alternate universe in his mind – where he could relax in all the warmth and love she once had to offer. Only then did he close his eyes – everything would be black soon, she would come soon – he coached himself. And then it was, pitch black, his heart rate spiked up, thinking that she wouldn't come, materialize … but then he saw the glimmer of her and he felt her aura and he knew she wasn't far away now.

With that, he let sleep come for him, knowing he wouldn't be alone and before he knew it … he was back with Meredith in the enclave of her room. Back to a time when their private feelings for one another had yet been revealed – the moment he first felt it, their energy, the inertia of this thing they had – back to the moment he would classify as the beginning of the end, and only because he knew there was a perfect storm brewing and he did nothing to steer them to safety.

***

Derek lay in Meredith's bed. He felt her extricate herself from his tired limbs only minutes ago. He briefly wondered why she left him there, but then was thankful for a minute to think about what the hell he was doing with Meredith Grey and how he ended up here … in this moment, perfectly content to never move again. And it wasn't the sex, the sex was just as good as he remembered it to be – but no – it was far more than that.

It was her inner beauty and her deep pain-filled eyes, Meredith just leveled him and he barely understood the reasons why and in truth he didn't really want to know why, he just wanted to be … with her. From the moment he saw her again after their tryst, he wanted her … and not just physically. It was just her. Her intensity, her innocence – it was her youth, she was fresh and hopeful and she still had faith in medicine – and yet there was this indescribable pain seared into her gateways. There was no way around it, for whatever had happened to Meredith left an indelible impression on her and somehow – she both broke him and saved him – like no one he had ever met before. For looking at Meredith was sometimes just like looking in the mirror. She had this insane depth about her …and he just wanted more and even more than that, he wanted to take her pain. He wanted to rub and kiss it away, just like she wordlessly did for him.

Sure, he knew he should leave right now, but he was half unwilling to open his eyes because he thought she might throw him out again – and quite honestly, he wasn't sure he would be able to handle that – so in the interest of prolonging this time with her, he kept his eyes closed and let those raging thoughts of guilt consume him instead. If he were a better man, he wouldn't have ended up here, in this moment … with her. If her were stronger or more noble or even more trusting, he would have, God knows he should have. But instead, he only wanted to open his eyes to make sure Meredith was okay. He heard her now as she crossed the room and sat down with a sigh on the chair in the corner of her room. He smiled inwardly at just how surprised and excited he was when she agreed to have breakfast with him and then actually showed up. And right about then, when she walked up to him in the courtyard of the cafe … right about then he felt it for the first time – this pull, call it an aura, call it fate, destiny, kismet – it didn't really need a name … it seemed like it only needed Meredith and Derek.

The bubble, for lack of a better term, housed them on their date and only followed them back to her house, and then only followed them to her room where they took each other with a raw, insatiable need Derek never felt before. In those first stolen moments, he felt his nerve-endings snap and all of the pain and self-loathing he had been hiding within vanished into the air all around them as they kissed and sucked and nipped over and over and over again. Just thinking about it now turned him on – he felt his cock twitch with need – and with that, he opened his eyes. And it wasn't because he wanted sex … but because he wanted to somehow make sure it wasn't all an elaborate dream.

He wanted to see Meredith in the flesh.

And he did just that, he turned his head toward her, and he was surprised to hear her stifle – what was it, a silent sob – her head held back, looking at the ceiling, perhaps keeping her tears at bay. She was wrapped tightly in a throw blanket, her beautiful long neck craned back, she was lost in deep thought, but about what … he had no idea. He presumed it was Jorge Cruz, their patient … and his lovely wife, Sona. For that glimmer of sadness Derek saw in Meredith's eyes had only intensified within the last day since they had treated Jorge.

He sighed into the air and moved his legs slightly under the covers to gently pull her back into their space. She brought her head down and Derek smiled genuinely at her and she smiled back, again he tried to absorb some of that sadness – for being a surgical intern was a shitty job, a crappy rite of passage – and he remembered that all too well. Part of him wanted to jump out of bed and hold her and keep her, but another part of him thought that was insane, for he barely knew her.

And that was the part of him that he was terrified of, this part of him who already was falling for her.

He rolled to his side, maintaining his gaze into her deep sea gateways and then world literally stopped as tears pricked his eyes at the vision before him. The light cascaded down all around Meredith from the bedroom window … an angelic halo encompassed her and he was instantly lost in her. They could have been the only two people left on the planet and he would never have grown tired of being with her. And in that moment – it could have been the moment that started it all – the moment their bond was tied, the moment this insane energy between them became something else entirely … for it was the moment their bubble of energy consumed them for the first time. He watched and his heart broke as fat tears fell onto her beautifully flushed face and only then did he speak to her.

"Penny for your thoughts," he whispered into the quiet all around them. "Even the sad ones," he added softly, his heart went nuts in his chest.

Meredith chuckled. "Oh, you don't want to know where my head is, trust me," she said, her voice still, quiet.

"Sure I do, come here," he said, pulling the covers back, his eyes locking with hers.

Meredith hedged for a beat and Derek had no idea what to do. He felt he should say something, the pain evident in her eyes, he knew he would have to come clean with Meredith about his secret, but sensed she was deeply troubled by something and wanted to be there for her … just this one time. So instead he thought to tease her and hoped to hell she wouldn't ask him to leave just yet.

"Come on, I won't bite, at least not for another few minutes," he teased with a chuckle. Meredith smiled. "Unless you want to throw me out again," he smiled; his heart zoomed on his words. "Do you, Meredith? Want me to leave," he asked more seriously, his voice waivered slightly, he leaned up on his elbow then.

"No," she said with a small smile. Derek smiled too.

She stood then and dropped the throw blanket; he was stunned by her natural beauty. She wasted no time before she slipped into the warm enclave of the covers with him. The bubble-energy was intense; more than his heart could take as he pulled her into him – warming her, cradling her – attempting to calm her fears. It was true, he was lost, so lost, and yet he felt completely … found. He burrowed his nose into her neck and breathed her in. He watched as goose bumps erupted all over her arms. Derek heard her sniffle as her grip tightened around him. With that, he pulled back – scanning her with his eyes – she smiled, although her glassy eyes betrayed her.

"Hey," he whispered, resting his head down on her pillow. "I'm sorry about Jorge," he said. "I wish there was something more we could do," he said sincerely, rubbing his hand up and down the soft skin of her back.

Meredith caught his eyes – she leaned over and kissed his cheek – just a quick kiss, so soft it was barely there at all. "Me too," she said as he pulled her closer, he felt her tremble, while his heart pounded away. "And Sona … Sona too Derek, we can't forget about her," she pleaded into the crease of his neck.

He watched as her waiting tears came down in a sheet over her face – so repetitive, pop, pop, pop, so purposeful – there was just no way to stop them and it was almost too hard to see. Derek hated this, he felt completely helpless and didn't know what to do or say, so without thinking he covered her lips with his, he kissed her then, soft and quick – once, twice – anything to help her heal. Pulling back again slightly, he cradled her skull in his hands, crossed his leg over her hips and then hesitated, he felt just as lost in the moment as he assumed she did. Meredith leaned in and kissed him, soft and quick again.

"Over time, you will – you'll forget, you'll move forward – it will just become part of your natural landscape … part of you," he offered softly.

He made a small smile as if to say, that's the best he could do. She smiled tightly, accepting his words – he couldn't read her though, she seemed like she was holding back, the deep pain still reverberated in her eyes – but instead she closed her mouth over Derek's and kissed him over and over again. And only then did the world melt away and an easy silence filled the small gap of space between them – that's it make it go away, make the world disappear, Meredith –he chanted silently as he hovered over her for a split-second, catching her eyes with his before he closed them in bliss and began to press tiny kisses to the lush skin of her neck and breasts.

He felt Meredith relax into him and become putty in his hands – Derek wielded complete control over their kiss, and for once, she seemed to let him – she gave in, gave up … and he took all she had to offer. Derek slipped his tongue into her depths and she lapped hers against it over and over again. He felt so safe, she draped her leg over his hip bones … his cock banged and bobbed low against her belly above her pelvic bone. Hmm, she felt so good, his heart clamored away in his chest.

She reached down and wrapped her long fingers around his shaft and pumped – up down, up down – Derek moaned in pleasure into the depths of her mouth, he slipped his fingers down to her hot folds and pressed evenly on her already swollen clit. She grabbed his tongue in between her lips and sucked on it, hard. Meredith pressed her wet pussy against Derek's thumb as he slipped two fingers through her mound and straight into her hot core, her muscles clamped down instinctively, holding them there.

"Hmm, Meredith," Derek husked, God, he couldn't get enough of her.

"Please Derek," she cried out, as lost in the moment as he was.

Derek began to pulse his fingers in and out of her slippery channel – intermittently pressing on her nub – but he wanted more, so much more … for he already wanted it all! Meredith moaned into his mouth and released her hold on his cock, surrendering to the moment for now. The smell of her sex wafted up into the hot air between them and it literally spun his senses into overdrive! He pushed his tongue into her mouth and pumped over and over again, matching the tempo of his tongue and fingers to work her over. She grabbed his skull, perhaps in an attempt to ground herself – her hips bucked up against his fingers – silently pleading for more. Derek felt his cock lengthen and his balls tighten just with the mere scent of her! He moved to hover over her, he heard Meredith call out to him through the thick haze of their passion … she was as breathless as he.

God, he wanted her like never before! But this time, he knew he would wait, this time, he would savor it – savor her and heal her – take her to the other side of oblivion. He wanted time … he just wanted her.

He pulled his fingers from her core and moved his thumb up and over her clit, rubbing the fat nub – back and forth, back and forth – as he kept his mouth on hers. He pulled back and found her passion-filled eyes, she was teetering on the brink, Derek moved to rest on top of her and laced his hands above her in a halo formation. His nose touching hers, he kissed her flushed, dewy temple. The hard peaks of hr nipples cut into his chest … damn, skin on skin with Meredith felt almost as good as being submersed deep within her. He kissed her, soft and quick, she only writhed under the weight of his body.

"Derek, please," she pleaded again; wrapping her legs around his waist … her wet pussy flat against his torso now. He could feel her heart pounding through her chest cavity.

"No," he muttered, he was lost, he wanted more. Her eyes darted to his; she was awake again, pulled from her haze. "Hmm," he smiled. "I want you slow this time, slow, I want it slow, okay?" he asked, his voice cracked, his heart stilled in his chest.

"I just want you," she whispered, kissing him once again. "Fast, slow, it doesn't matter," she said softly – her eyes waivered with insecurity then – Derek smiled slightly and pressed a simple kiss to her swollen lips.

"Slow," he repeated, before he began to kiss her in earnest again.

Meredith took his skull in her hands and kissed him right back; she unclasped her feet from his back and let her thighs fall open. He took her cue to move down and on, moving more freely again, he kissed her once more before he took one of her perfectly rosy nipples in between his fingers and pinched her there before he began to suck and nip at her already taut skin. God, she tasted so fucking good! Meredith's hands were submersed deep into Derek's hair and she held his scalp and massaged him there, the intensity of her kneads matching the ebb and flow of her passion-haze. He held her breast gently in his hands and took the nipple in his mouth and just lapped and sucked and sucked and lapped until he was satisfied – he pulled the nub back with his lips – only to let it go. He pushed a deep breath out and over her peak and watched it grow and harden as if on command.

"Derek," he heard her gasp, her hips bucked up and into him, but the truth was, he was already gone, the world had already disappeared.

"Slow," he repeated again as he shifted his attention to her other breast.

Derek took her nipple in his mouth and just played with it until it was a small hard pebble of pleasure … he rolled it around and around with his tongue without letting up. Meredith reached down and found his throbbing cock – but he began to flick her nipple rapidly to dissuade her from moving on without him – she let go, her hands finding his head again. As he worked her over, he stealthily moved his free hand down to his prize. He passed his fingers up and down her sopping wet seam, my God, she was on fire!

He pumped her then, his fingers coated with her sex in an instant, but realized he needed more still and without missing a beat he pulled himself away from her breasts and found himself at heaven's gate.

Hot. Clit. Pulsing. Pussy. Wet. Sticky. Lips. Sensual. Heart. Ready. Depths. Waiting.

Derek looked up and found the sea of Meredith's eyes, she smiled and he hovered back over her for a split-second – kissing her lips once more – before he moved back down, sitting back on his heels in front of her core. Keeping his eyes trained on hers, he reached down and passed one finger over her clit and down into her depths. She closed her eyes in bliss. His cock twitched with need, but he ignored that and settled himself in between her legs. She was truly a beautiful sight, glowing against the dim light coming through the window –her pussy pulsed with need – glistening with her sex. Derek rested his head against her thigh and hip bone and breathed her in.

Without hesitation then, he passed the fat pad of his thumb over Meredith's clit, she moaned at that first touch, her fingers finding his scalp. He pressed his thumb into her hot core and he felt her grab it, her delicate muscles clenched down with measured force. He gently pulled out and replaced his fingers with his mouth and ran his tongue up and down her beautiful seam. Somewhere in his mind, he heard her call out – but he was already in too deep – he pressed a finger into her hole and swirled his tongue up and over her nub, relentlessly trying to get her off now!

He removed his finger and placed his whole mouth over her core and clit and tried to siphon every bit of her juice he could get. He moaned into her depths and that vibration rang around in his own body, finally zapping his cock with unexpected force! It was like a feeding frenzy all of a sudden – for Derek had no idea what happened – only that he wanted more of Meredith and that he never thought there would be enough of her to satisfy him. Never! He pulled back ever so slightly, her pussy pulsing with need.

"You taste so good, so fucking good," he muttered as he set himself back to his ministrations.

He felt her body tremble under his touch, as he pulled on her nub, rolling it in between his lips for a split-second before he let go, only to grab it again. She was desperate now, grabbing his head, his shoulders, but he pressed down on her thighs and opened her up to him even more, her center – red, ripe, juicy, hot – it was all he needed to see before he plunged his mouth over her hole again and fucked her senseless with his tongue … it was all he could do from keeping himself from cumming … and he was so desperately not ready to cum!

Meredith's hips rose from the bed and met his mouth halfway, she clenched her ass cheeks together and then he felt her muscles clamp around his tongue, holding him there as her orgasm washed over her … setting her out to sea and beyond! Derek closed his eyes and felt her come down from her high – he French kissed her pussy over and over again – he was her steady anchor as she rode out the storm. She pulled on his hair and he traveled up her body, only to feel her desperately kiss and hug him. Keeping one hand over her hot mound, he kissed her plump lips and opened his eyes to find her.

"Derek," she said breathlessly, roaming her glassy eyes around his, she was filled with passion, emotion and a twinge of something else … insecurity perhaps, no, he couldn't get a read … all he knew was her raw inner beauty stung him like a bee – yes, this was more, maybe he didn't imagine it after all – he felt Meredith reach down to find his rock hard cock.

"Hmm," he said, smiling as she passed her thumb over his opening. She held his sensitive head with just the right amount of pressure. "I want you too," he answered her unasked question, his voice, shaky with emotion he hadn't expected. He kissed her softly then and basked in the glow of her orgasm with her.

Lifting his hand from her mound, he reached over for a condom, but Meredith intercepted his hand and took it from him. "My turn," she said, a faint gleam of her feisty side returned to her face as she quickly sat up and playfully pushed Derek back onto her pillow.

She straddled him then, his cock banged against her ass as she leaned over and kissed him once more on the mouth, darting her tongue into his depths for a taste. "Hmm, you taste good too," she moaned. "Like me," she cooed, and he had no doubt he did.

Meredith held the condom packet in her hand and moved her way down Derek's chest, stopping briefly to play with his trillion nipples. She tugged on his sensitive skin there, swirling and flicking the tiny raised peaks with the tip of her tongue. Derek opened his eyes and watched as Meredith traveled lower and lower – pressing tiny kisses to his abdomen, ribs and hip bones – the taut peaks of her breasts cut across his cock and thighs as she went, her ass straight in the air, oh how he wished she was turned around … the faint taste of her pussy still swathed his lips as he licked them in anticipation of what was to come. Just thinking about the taste of her pussy made blood rush to his cock as it reacted now to every small nip or kiss from her swollen lips.

Derek closed his eyes to the sight before him only to focus on keeping what was sure to be an explosive orgasm at bay for now. He felt the tips of her wild locks fly across his belly and he thought he would lose it right then! But fueling the fire even more was the hot breeze of her breath moving intermittently across his cock, oh God, it was enough to make him cum right then and there! He tried to still his heart, but instead he was jarred into over drive when he felt Meredith begin to pump his shaft – up, down, up, down – instinctually, he rocked his hips up, knowing the grand prize was his for the winning! And then he felt it: her beautiful mouth encase his cock, oh God, what this woman could do with her tongue … he was a goner!

Derek opened his eyes and watched as Meredith ran her tongue up and down his cock, up one side, down the other, several times in rapid succession. Just enough lubrication for her to continue that movement with her hands while she sucked on his sensitive head like it was the best tasting lollipop in the world. She was savage, she swirled her tongue around and around, pumping her hand up and down as she went. Derek bucked his hips up to meet her mouth, he wanted more of her mouth – he had to have it – but she only pushed his hips down into the mattress, steadying him for the short haul to pure bliss!

"Hmm," she hummed into his hole and he nearly came right then. "Hmm," she moaned again, releasing one of her hands from his cock, she reached down cupped his sack, gently massaging him there causing him to push his cock deep into her mouth and she took it all without hesitation, lapping, sucking, grazing him with her teeth, she gave it all –except that suddenly he wanted more – he wanted their connection!

"Meredith!" he heard his warbled call, but she only nipped and sucked, it seemed she too was lost. "Meredith!" he tried again, for he was desperate.

Without wasting time, he pulled her from his cock then, a look of complete surprise crossed her face, but he only smiled and brought her up to his lips. "I don't want to, not yet," he said breathlessly, taking the condom from her, before rolling her onto her back. "I just want you," he said, his voice hoarse.

Meredith smiled as he pushed her down into the mattress with the full weight of his body … God, the skin on skin contact alone did him in … they were both flushed, swollen and ready as Derek leaned back on his knees and opened the condom packet. Meredith smiled, peeking at him through her long eye lashes. Derek placed the condom on the head of cock, leaving a little of space at the top and watched as Meredith watched him roll the condom all the way down his shaft, he could feel his fat veins pulsing with blood. He looked down briefly, making sure there were no air bubbles and when he did – Meredith raised her knees and opened her thighs wide – Derek locked his eyes on her … she wordlessly offered herself to him. He went back to checking the condom, but was interrupted again when he saw the wave of her hand from his peripheral vision, he looked up just in time to see her dip one of her long fingers into her beautiful pussy. Both his cock and heart jumped erratically and he was all but gone!

He leaned forward, placing his hands on either side of her head, his knees resting in between her thighs, he kissed her. "Don't do that without me," he husked into her ear, before he grabbed her earlobe and sucked on it, hard. Meredith squealed, he did it again … anything to hear her laugh.

"Do what?" she managed to ask innocently, her guttural, lusty giggle betrayed her though. Her fingers pressed over her clit now.

Derek kissed her again then – with a tenderness that surprised him – it was just her, this inner secret beauty, he felt like he was the only one in the world she would reveal herself to. Her hands moving to his skull as she attempted to wield control over that kiss. She stunned him all the time … leveling him without even trying. "Your beauty is insane," he said simply, truthfully, his breath hitched in his throat.

Meredith caught his eyes with hers – she looked shocked, scared even, but then her whole being softened – and she was back in the moment, lost within the bubble once again. Derek reached down between them and pressed two fingers into her molten hole.

"Hmm, Meredith," he muttered. "I want you … so badly," he found himself saying, before closing his mouth over hers. They moaned in unison and were rocked by the sweet lullaby of the storm raging within the small room all around them.

"Derek," she said breathlessly as she pulled away from their kiss. She reached down and carefully held him, near the base of his cock, just below the ridge of the condom. With precision, she swept him up and down her hot seam. He could feel her heat cover the tip of his cock and he swore he almost came on contact. "And I want you ... so badly, fill me up," she sighed, her eyes closed, totally lost in the moment with him.

Without another word, Derek replaced her hand with his and eased his hot ready cock into her hot ready core … inch by inch, he sank into her, until he felt his cock bump against her cervix – bump, bump – he was in and he would never tire of the perfect way she fit around him. All was still in the world again and yet the energy within their bubble was wild and carefree and all-consuming!

Derek locked his eyes on her soul-filled gateways and for some unknown reason – thick tears formed, pricking his eyes – thereby blurring his vision of his new lover. He had no want or desire to hide those tears though, for they meant something … so he let them fall on the blessing of their connected bodies. Meredith clenched around him, holding him in place, right where he was meant to be.

"Derek, shh," she said, her own eyes becoming glassy as she tried to assuage both their fears. She reached up and cupped the side of his face with her hand, just enough to tell him she was still there, he turned his head and kissed her palm. She smiled, her eyes never moving from his. "I need you," she said, a whiff emotion lodged deep within her voice, bringing him back into the moment with her.

On her words, Derek began to find his tempo, her slick walls and tasty juice lubricated their machine in a matter of seconds! She raised her knees up, he instinctually held them up under his forearms as he began to gently pound into her core, allowing for that deeper penetration he already knew she loved. He pumped her then with everything he had, making sure to never break his eye contact with her, for he couldn't look away from her untamed beauty even if he tried.

Something had shifted – something consumed him – in that small moment a second ago… something told him to trust Meredith Grey. Something told him she really did need him or want him and that she was consumed by him … just the way he was by her.

"Meredith," he called out as he worked their machine more slowly now, a pace fit for longevity as his glistening cock struck her pussy purposefully – bump, bump, bump – he looked down, her breasts moved to his every pulse, he ducked his head down and captured one of her rosy peaks in between his lips, he rolled it in between his lips and lapped and sucked on it, all the while pumping his steel rod into her core … wedging himself into her tight hold as she began to clamp down all around him – the delicate force of her muscles – it was indescribable really! Somewhere from the depths of bliss, he heard Meredith moan his name and then she shifted, pushing her knees down, clasping her feet low around his back as Derek continued to pump into her like never before … he was on a mission now! He felt her core tighten again – the systematic clenching of her orgasm had begun – she was so close, so fucking close he could almost taste her juice!

"Derek, I'm so close, faster, deeper … just deeper!" she pleased into his mouth as he kissed her senseless now and quickened the speed of his tempo. She closed her eyes briefly only to open them once again – she placed her feet flat on the mattress, opening herself up to him, offering herself to him – she was ripe for the taking as he felt her snake a hand in between them and press her fingers around her opening, before moving them up to her clit.

"Hmm, you feel so good, so … fucking good," Derek husked as he pounded down, changing his angle ever so slightly so his hip bone pulsed against Meredith's wrist …thereby adding more pressure to her clit.

"Right there!" she screamed in appreciation, he felt her fingers press into her swollen clit and rub against his rod as he moved in and out of her endless depths.

Derek so desperately wanted to get her off now … he wanted her to cum, for watching Meredith cum was one of the most naturally beautiful occurrences he had ever been blessed enough to see. "Let it go," he ordered gently, for he was about to blow himself.

With the last bit of energy he had left in him, Derek began to pulse into Meredith's lubricated hole – bump, bang, clit, in, out, slip, slip, slip, cum, cum, cum – with that his mind became fuzzy, his skin fever-pricked, his heart on fire, his core smoldering with need, his nerve-endings popping everywhere all around him just before felt Meredith clamp around him with all her might, her hips rising up to meet his as she pressed her clit deep into his pelvic bone and came hard just as Derek felt the rush of the unbearable pleasure-filled pain of his orgasm.

"Derek!" she called out, he wrapped his arms around her and held her, keeping her, cradling her, desperate to hold on to their connection, to their orgasmic energy, before he slipped into the undertow of pure bliss.

Meredith clenched hard around him then – keeping and cradling him too – but Derek felt lost deep within her already … in mind, body and spirit. It was like nothing else … he had no words. His heart swelled, he pressed tiny kisses to her collarbone, lips, neck, earlobes, her hot dewy skin was all he ever wanted to taste, the air between them was the only air he would ever need.

And in those moments they were both lost …

Lost in the waves of their orgasms and secret deep feelings for one another …

Just lost, yet hopelessly found …

Both buoys for their secret aches and pains and broken hearts …

Finally safe and sound within their newly created bubble …

That bubble … the one that housed them and protected them and their intrinsic connection …

Surely the bubble could withstand the surreptitious perfect storm of deceit that was headed straight for them …

Surely, they could survive this – his secret – Derek promised himself as he held on tight …

Surely, he could do this, come clean with Meredith and earn back the trust she seemed to give to him – not freely – but because she allowed herself to …

Surely they would survive; he thought as he reached down, held the base of his cock over the ridge of the condom and reluctantly pulled out …

Surely he wouldn't lose her …

Derek reached up, pulled a couple of tissues from a box on Meredith's nightstand, dropped the condom inside and wrapped it up. He placed it on the night stand, reached down and grabbed the quilt to cover them and settled into the warmth and security of her body. She had already been to oblivion and back – for she was breathing deeply now –and he was lulled the predictable beat of her heart as he lay his head down on her chest. Her hands went to neck; he looked up and found her glassy green eyes once again.

"Meredith," he said. "Are you okay?" he asked, his voice filling the quiet all around them.

"Yes," she smiled. "Will you sleep with me … stay with me?" she asked, her voice cracking, although he had no idea why.

"Yes … please," he said with relief. He lay his head down on her pillow and she only moved closer – burrowing deeper into him and him into her – they were buoys for one another once again.

***

Everything went black then and the beautiful memory was safe and sound within Derek's uneasy mind. Sleep came easily for him, much like it did on that afternoon in Meredith's room. And very much like that beautiful moment all those months ago – when Meredith let herself trust him and he let himself trust her, and they slept together through the afternoon and the evening too – Derek desperately needed sleep … good sleep and sound sleep.

And even though he was alone now and even though they had not survived that perfect storm of deceit all those months ago – he knew they would survive this one – for they were becoming stronger both together and apart from one another and that had to count for something … right?

Yes, Derek felt certain they would survive the storm this time … he just needed to find Meredith first.

Chapter 5 to follow.